by Haemin Sunim
A few days after our dinner, my friend sent me an email, thanking me and telling me that he now felt much more at ease. “It seems I can finally forgive my aunt,” he wrote. “I went home and, just as you advised, thought about what kind of suffering my aunt might have endured. It struck me that she had had an unhappy life herself. Her husband was successful, but he constantly cheated on her. Feelings of betrayal and loneliness dominated her married life. If she had been happy, she probably never would have behaved like that to my mother. It feels like I might be able to forgive my aunt and let go of my past.”
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THERE IS NOT ONLY RAGE and hatred inside us, but also sadness and grief, loneliness and terror. But that is not all. There is also the compassionate inner eye looking at such emotions with equanimity. When you are suffering because someone is hard to forgive, I pray that you find the compassionate gaze inside you.
May you find the eye of compassion within you!
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Underneath someone’s violent nature,
there is always fear, rooted in
either childhood or present circumstances.
Underneath that fear lurks
hurt and vulnerability.
If you really want to forgive someone,
look beneath the surface and see what is there.
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“Only true understanding can
bring about forgiveness.
And this kind of understanding is possible
when you see the suffering of others.”
—THICH NHAT HANH
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However much someone deserves your hatred,
hating them will end up making you
the biggest victim of your own hatred.
The deeper the valley of hatred grows,
the more it comes to feel like you are trapped in hell.
Resolve to be mindful of these negative feelings,
even if for no one else’s sake but your own.
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“Haemin Sunim,
even though I apologized, she still won’t forgive me.
Do I have to get down on my knees and beg?”
Things don’t get forgiven right away
just because you say you’re sorry.
She has suffered a lot because of you,
so it’ll take more than a couple apologies
for her to forgive you.
If you are truly sorry, you ought to
apologize sincerely many times.
It’s easy to say a few words—too easy, in her eyes,
compared with the pain she has had to endure.
* * *
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When you look at the situation calmly,
you see that the person who wronged you
behaved badly not only to you,
but also to everyone in a similar position.
His terrible character is obviously to blame.
So don’t take personally
what he said or did to you.
The problem is not you. It is him.
* * *
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When she says hurtful things,
is it really in response to something you did,
or is there another explanation?
If it is the latter, then there is no need to take the blame
for something you have not caused.
* * *
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If you are stressed out,
maybe it’s because your mind is overcrowded
with other people’s thoughts and activities.
If this is the case, go on a “media fast” for three days—
forgo your cell phone, TV, and internet.
You will soon be able to listen
to your own body and mind
and return to a state of good health.
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If your desk or the floor of your room is messy,
it attracts more mess.
And, of course, it doesn’t help you to work efficiently.
When you get home from work and change your clothes,
even if it’s irritating, it helps to hang them up in the closet.
* * *
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Like someone who quits smoking for their health,
my friend said he quit all news for a month.
And he really did stop being distracted and anxious.
Ask yourself whether you truly need to know
the latest news about politics, accidents, and celebrities.
We mindlessly consume it all without thinking.
And, like instant noodles, it provides no nutrients.
* * *
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When we are alone in a peaceful place,
we experience the stillness of our mind.
It is nourishing and restorative, like medicine, helping us to
recover our center and feel the divinity within us.
A dose of stillness once in a while does a lot of good.
* * *
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Life’s pain is not something to be overcome.
Instead, it calls for gentle love and healing.
The more forcefully we deny it,
or try to forget about it, the stronger it rises up.
Gaze warmly at your pain,
without denying or resisting it.
If you do, you will detect the love
that lies beneath it.
* * *
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The good heart that prays for the end of others’ suffering
ends its own suffering with such prayers.
Send out your blessings to
family, friends, colleagues, strangers on the street.
A saint acts compassionately not because she is a saint.
Rather, her compassionate acts make her a saint.
* * *
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So you feel terrible today.
But that doesn’t mean your whole life is terrible.
Right now you feel drained and worn down.
But you will feel better after a good night’s sleep.
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The heart’s wounds are healed
when we encounter beauty or humor.
When we walk amid the beauty of nature, our thoughts rest.
When we look at beautiful art, our sensibilities are stimulated.
When we talk with a humorous friend, our mind brightens.
Through beauty and humor, we return
to our original state and become whole again.
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I heard the following joke from another monk:
A novice monk asks a senior monk,
“Is it appropriate for a monk to use email?”
The senior monk answers,
“Sure, but only if there are no attachments!”
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If you want to kindle firewood,
there needs to be space between the logs.
If you pack the wood too densely,
the fire will not take; the flames need room to breathe.
In the same way, if our lives have no breathing room,
we won’t be able to enjoy all the things we have,
no matter how great or precious they are.
* * *
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When you have somewhere to go,
set out ten minutes early.
Your mind won’t be rushed,
and you will be able to enjoy the walk.
Similarly, take an
extra five minutes to enjoy a meal.
You will be able to taste the food properly,
and the meal won’t sit heavy in your stomach.
A mere five or ten minutes here and there
can dramatically improve your quality of life.
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If you own several of the same thing,
keep only the one you like best, and give the others away.
If we have too many possessions,
we do not possess them; they possess us.
A clean space, with everything neat and tidy,
is the greatest luxury, setting our minds at ease.
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Choose two or three objects per day
that you haven’t used in a while,
and give or throw them away:
food, medicine, and cosmetics
that have passed their use-by date,
clothes you haven’t worn in years,
books you’ve read but won’t read again,
appliances that are just taking up space.
If you get rid of them, you don’t lose but gain.
Uncluttered space is a source of comfort and relaxation,
and you are left with only the things that make you happy.
“HAEMIN, I AM A LITTLE DEPRESSED”
OVER THE COURSE OF OUR LIVES, most of us go through periods of depression. It would be wonderful if our lives were filled with only joy and happiness, but there is also aging, falling ill, and dying to contend with. It’s only to be expected that we will feel depressed at some point, when confronted with the inevitable.
If I look at my own life, depression is like a guest who shows up just when I’ve managed to forget about him—when my relationships with colleagues were strained by misunderstandings, when my hard work did not pay off, when I got sick but didn’t know the cause or how to treat it. I saw no hope of escaping from these circumstances, and depression crawled in.
Since founding a nonprofit organization in Seoul called the School of Broken Hearts, I have had many occasions to meet people like me who experience occasional mild depression. The school offers free support programs for those struggling with cancer, loss of family, divorce, raising a child with a disability, LGBT issues, unemployment, relationship problems, and more. Most participants are not clinically depressed; if they are, we urge them to see a medical doctor right away. But to those experiencing mild depression every once in a while, I have been giving the following advice from the perspective of Buddhist psychology.
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WHENEVER FEELINGS OF DEPRESSION have taken hold, I’ve examined my mind carefully and discovered some striking characteristics about it. First of all, what has triggered my depression and kept feeding it was none other than my own repetitive thoughts. Depending on what kinds of thoughts we have, they have huge bearing on our emotional lives. A positive thought produces a positive feeling, whereas a negative thought leads to a negative feeling. If we don’t keep throwing the firewood of depressing thoughts into our mind’s furnace, the depressed feeling remains only a visitor, disappearing along with the thought. So if we want to understand feelings of depression, we must first understand the thoughts that give rise to them.
Thoughts are our own individual perspectives on the external and internal situations we call our lives. According to scientists, people have as many as seventeen thousand thoughts in a single day; many thoughts tend to be similar in content, and those that recur most frequently have to do with memories. We become habituated to thinking about the same episodes over and over again. The problem is that for the most part, we are often lost in our thoughts and remain completely unaware of them. Although thoughts are produced by our own minds, they have the power to determine our emotional lives, frequently against our will. Moreover, since thoughts tend to operate on a subconscious level, we cannot easily distinguish between those that reflect objective reality and those that reflect our subjective opinions. This means we are quick to believe that our thoughts are a clear reflection of reality even when this is absolutely not the case.
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IN LIGHT OF WHAT WE KNOW about the nature of thoughts, there are three tips I want to offer about how to beat back depression. First, when a depressing thought comes to you, remember that it is only a single, passing cloud in the big sky of your mind. Many psychological problems come about because we confuse our evanescent thoughts with ourselves. But thoughts are only fleeting responses to specific circumstances, which are themselves constantly changing. When we step back and observe a depressing thought, we can see how insignificant it is in the grand scheme of things. And if we leave it alone rather than engage with it, it either disappears on its own or changes shape. We can say to it, “Oh, how interesting! A cloud is passing overhead,” and soon it will end up dying out. But if we attach ourselves to the thought and identify with it, rather than perceiving it as separate from ourselves, then we let it linger and end up falling into the swamp of depression.
Second, if your depression is triggered by negative comments about you by people who don’t know you very well, you should understand that though it sounds like they’re talking about you, their words say more about their own negative psychological state than they do about you. Their comments are based on their own projection of who they imagine you to be. Although you can hope that such people become happier and less mean-spirited, you cannot hold yourself responsible for their negative state of mind, which you have not caused. If you don’t give them your attention, they cannot hold so much power over you.
Third, we have to keep in mind that most thoughts are personal opinions based on our limited experience. They are not set in stone but change as the situation does. So if you catch yourself having negative thoughts, rather than thinking too seriously about them, simply turn your attention to the present moment and breathe. It’s always helpful to focus on breathing, because breathing always happens in the present. When you feel your breath moving in and out of your body, your mind relaxes, and any tension in your body eases. And when your mind arrives at the here and now, your thoughts naturally stop. In fact, try setting this book down for a moment and breathing deeply for just one minute. Remember that an easy way to release your mind from the trap of negative thoughts and feelings is to focus on the present moment through your breathing.
Now try to feel your breathing.
Breathe deeply, in and out. . . .
Healing begins when
we start to attend to ourselves.
* * *
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We all experience feelings of depression
at some point in our lives.
When you do, notice that the fuel
for depressed feelings is negative thoughts.
If we keep feeding the feeling with those thoughts,
the feeling grows stronger and stays longer.
Rather than being trapped in negative thoughts,
shift your attention to your body and breathe deeply.
As the mind clears, so will the feeling.
* * *
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Clouds release their sadness
by crying until they can cry no more.
When they have no tears left to cry,
they feel a great weight has been lifted,
as heavy as all the tears they have shed.
We can release our sadness into the sky within us.
When we feel sad, it’s okay to cry like the clouds.
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When sadness visits you,
don’t try to push it away.
Instead, walk right into its center
and embrace your sadness.
After many hours of crying,
you will begin to see
the light at the end of the tunnel.
* * *
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Don’t trust your negative thoughts,
especially when times are hard.
When you’re in pain, it feels like
the pain will always be with you;
when you fail, it feels like
you’ll never pick yourself up again;
when you’ve experienced loss, it feels like
the wound will never heal.
But nothing lasts forever,
not even your hard times.
You will get better.
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When you are stressed out by too many thoughts,
pay attention to the object right in front of you.
Really see the object as closely as you can.
What is its color, texture, style, material?
When you focus on something in front of you,
your thoughts naturally stop, because the mind
cannot do two things at once.
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When difficult emotions
like loneliness, sadness, and fear
well up inside you,
the most courageous thing you can do
is to spend some time with them.
Rather than trying to escape them
by turning on the TV or calling a friend,
sit next to them and look at them quietly.
When you pay attention to them,
they will either change their shape and disappear,
or make you see that they’re not that terrifying.
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