by Haemin Sunim
ACCEPTANCE
If you’re sad, it’s okay to acknowledge your sadness.
If you have pain that leaves you at a loss,
it’s okay to talk about your pain.
The reason we have difficulties
is that we are unable to accept
the things that cannot be changed.
Let them be and see what happens.
THE ART OF LETTING GO
“LET IT GO” is advice we often hear, but it’s difficult to know how to put it into practice. I’ve met many people whose distress stems from their inability to move on from setbacks or let impossible dreams go. For example, if someone irritates us, we would like to forget the incident as soon as we can and move on. But even though we try to let it go, we end up recalling the incident and upsetting ourselves again. Then there are times when we are on the cusp of achieving a major goal we have been working toward, only to fall at the final hurdle. When we attempt to identify a new goal, the memories, regrets, and frustrations come back and torment us, leaving us unable to focus on anything.
“Let it go” is actually another way of expressing “Accept it fully.” It does not mean that the painful memory will somehow disappear. We might wish to erase the past like we wipe chalk off a blackboard, but it’s simply not possible. And the more we struggle to forget, the more we give strength to the memory and get attached to it. But there is one very important thing to remember: What causes us such distress is not the memory itself but the emotions that surround it—like regret, disappointment, anger, and frustration.
This might seem subtle, but it is important to distinguish the memory from its emotions. A disappointing or hurtful situation from ten years ago doesn’t cause us the same distress now as it did then. This is because the emotions surrounding the memory have been either extinguished or alleviated. The memory itself is not the problem—it’s still there; it’s the emotions connected to the memory that are the problem. And so there’s no need to suppress the memory or try to get rid of it, which is nearly impossible anyway.
So what should we do if we want to let something go? The answer is to accept ourselves just as we are. If we accept the struggling self, our state of mind will soon undergo a change, though it will be subtle at first. When we regard our difficult emotions as a problem, and try to overcome them, we only struggle more. In contrast, when we accept them, strangely enough our mind stops struggling, and grows suddenly quiet. And when that happens, it becomes possible to leave our emotions behind and look at them warmly from the outside. Rather than trying to change or control difficult emotions from the inside, allow them to be there, and your mind will rest. When this happens, you can more easily detach yourself and look at your emotions calmly, as though they belong to someone else.
When our mind is quiet and we look at our emotions from the outside, something unexpected happens: We sense the loving presence of our inner silence, watching those emotions with composure. If you are religious, the inner silence may feel like the presence of God or another transcendental being. We thought we were struggling alone in the world, but in the stillness we sense “the one” who is always with us, who looks at our mind with compassion. When things get especially difficult, some of us even purportedly hear words coming from the silence or from God, saying, “Things are so hard for you right now, but you will be okay no matter what.”
When we arrive at this point, we can sense some distance between our difficult emotions and ourselves, and no longer identify ourselves with these emotions. Then we can allow them to exist, since they don’t bother us as much. Previously they were overpowering, because we felt they were taking up all the space within the small confines of our mind. But then the walls crumble, and those same emotions are now in a warm, tranquil, wide-open space, where we can see them clearly. Even though the emotions haven’t disappeared, they don’t seem like such a huge problem anymore. You have neither avoided nor altered them, but with gradual acceptance of them comes a corresponding peace.
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DURING THE TIMES in your life when your inability to let something go leaves you feeling distressed, please don’t try to fight it. Instead, allow it to be there, and then observe it without words. Your mind will soon become quiet and spacious, making it easier to live with your negative feelings. Then you may even see the eyes of compassion inside you that look on your inner wound with love. As this happens, your mind will realize that you are not the wound, but the deep silence that knows the wound.
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When you feel bad, don’t struggle with the feeling.
If you struggle to control it, you can make it worse.
However hard you might wish your feelings away,
they will stay for as long as they need to.
When you allow them to be there and watch them,
they usually leave earlier than you expected.
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Emotions are like uninvited guests.
They come whenever they want to,
and leave once you acknowledge their presence.
Although emotions are born inside of you,
don’t assume that they belong to you.
That is why they rarely listen to you.
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The moment we allow ourselves to be,
we finally feel at peace with ourselves.
Remember that we can only be ourselves.
When we accept ourselves,
others begin to accept us, too.
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*
If you fully accept your difficult emotion,
be it loneliness, anger, sadness, or frustration,
you will derive strength from that acceptance.
After acknowledging the truth of the situation,
new wisdom and courage will manifest in you
so you can face the next stage.
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You can’t let your obsession go
just by thinking to yourself, “I need to drop this.”
Only when you see that obsession brings
suffering in the end, will you be able to drop it.
You were rushing to lick honey off a razor’s edge.
* * *
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If you insist that someone change their life,
it could be because you are not happy with your own.
* * *
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Do you often say to your loved one,
“If you love me, can’t you change for me?”
That is not love.
Love’s true face is acceptance and freedom,
not restriction and control.
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If you’ve often had to deny yourself what you want,
you may unwittingly deny the wishes of others,
feeling that people should live their lives like you live yours.
If you stop denying yourself,
it will become easier to accept others as they are.
* * *
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Until you started thinking something was a problem,
it hadn’t really bothered you much, had it?
Labeling something a problem is often what makes it one.
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There are people who say,
“They’re the problem, not me.
Why do they keep telling me to change?”
But think about it for a moment.
If you asked them what the problem was,
how would they answer?
Wouldn’t they also say that it’s not themselves but you?
If neither of you backs down,
you won’t get anywhere.
And it’s
much quicker to change your own behavior
than to convince someone else to change theirs.
If you give a little ground, they’ll probably do so, too.
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When you’re upset, remember the words of Dale Carnegie:
“Let’s not allow ourselves to be upset
by small things we should despise and forget.”
When something upsets you,
recall something upsetting from a year ago.
Does it still bother you?
You probably can’t even remember it all that well, right?
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There are times in our lives when we just want to give up.
Even though it’s hard, hold on.
When you feel you absolutely can’t take any more,
be patient for just a little while longer.
If you throw in the towel, everything you’ve built will be lost,
and you will regret it forever.
Persevering even when things are difficult reveals your true character.
* * *
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In many things in life, the good is mixed with the bad.
If you throw away the whole thing because you dislike the bad part,
you’ll also throw away much that is good.
* * *
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When someone is praised greatly,
two beats later the criticisms start.
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However happy or healthy we manage to be,
it seems nothing can ever be perfect.
If we come into money,
we quarrel over money with our family.
If we obtain a position of power,
our friends try to benefit.
If we succeed at work,
we soon have enemies, jealous of our success.
Learn to accept that such is the way of the world.
* * *
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When the winter wind blows and the temperature drops,
going outside becomes unpleasant.
But the same cold wind
makes the air pure and clear.
Even things that initially look bad
contain something good, if only we look closely.
* * *
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“The secret to a happy life
is not chasing after a better job
but learning to enjoy the job you have.”
—HYEGWANG SUNIM
* * *
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People start out trying to achieve success
as the world defines it,
but as they get older,
they begin to enlarge their idea of success.
It is the law of nature that what goes up must come down,
and so people gradually train their sights
away from worldly success and on happiness
in learning, volunteer work, friendships, and spiritual practice.
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Even if you have everything you’ve ever wanted,
you won’t be happy if you’re always striving for more or better.
Happiness comes when our hearts are peaceful and content,
and when we learn to appreciate what we already have.
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When you finally achieve something you’ve wanted for a long time,
it seems like you’ll be happy forever.
But that’s not how things go.
After feeling happy and proud for a while,
waves of despondency come flooding in,
and success gives way to a backlash you never anticipated.
Instead of postponing your happiness until you’ve achieved your goal,
live a little and enjoy the moment.
Life is passing you by while you are waiting.
We don’t become wise by thinking more.
When our mind becomes relaxed and open,
we suddenly have a brilliant new idea.
Trust the wisdom that exists in silence,
and rest your hardworking mind for a while.
LESSONS FROM LIFE’S LOW POINT
EARLY LAST YEAR I was contacted by Shin-soo Choo, a Major League Baseball player for the Texas Rangers. He had read my first book, The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down, and wanted to meet me. Since then, we have formed a close bond, exchanging occasional messages and phone calls. If he had a game in New York, sometimes I would go to cheer him on. In the first half of the year, his batting score wasn’t as high as it had been, so he asked me how he might try to get out of his slump. I worried about him, struggling alone in a foreign country like I did, as if he were my younger brother. He was under enormous pressure to help his team win games and live up to the fans’ expectations. When I told him what he might consider doing, he said he’d already tried everything he could think of, including my suggestions, but had been unable to find the exact cause of the slump. All of this was weighing heavily on him.
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EACH OF US WILL EXPERIENCE something similar in our lives—a situation in which nothing seems to improve, despite our best efforts. I’d recently had a similar experience myself, related to my health. After suffering from a severe cold the previous winter, most of the symptoms had disappeared, but the pain in my throat still lingered. I gargled with salt water and took various medications prescribed by my doctor, including antibiotics, but nothing seemed to help. After several months of this, I even had a CT scan and acupuncture, but the pain still didn’t go away, and no one could say exactly why.
Many people who ask me questions via social media or after a public talk find themselves in similar circumstances. When your grades don’t improve even though you study hard; when you’ve spent months putting all your efforts into your business but it doesn’t take off; when you’ve made efforts to improve your relationships at home and at work but nothing changes; when you’ve done everything the doctor recommended but your illness persists—at such times it’s inevitable that we become frustrated and depressed.
We may try going to church, temple, mosque, or synagogue, to pray for help and ask advice, but this doesn’t result in the quick fix we were hoping for. When advice like “Just do your best and things will turn out fine” no longer brings us comfort, what should we do?
First, we need to take a step back and get a broader perspective. There are times when the sea is rough, and other times when it’s smooth. There are days when the sun shines bright, and days of torrential rain. Why do we consider good weather to be the norm that bad weather disrupts? Why should the sun always shine on us? The bumpy patch you’re on is part of a longer road; we have to learn to take the rough with the smooth, and see both as equal parts of our lives. When we take a broader view, the present slump can be seen as the trough of a wave, which sinks down to gather the energy it needs in order to rise again. It’s thanks to these low points that, when we’re again riding the crest of the wave, we’re able to be humble rather than arrogant, and to have the wisdom not to get carried away.
It is also important to make setbacks an opportunity for cultivating compassion. When our life is progressing smoothly, it’s easy to credit our efforts and talent. When we see someone who’s not doing as well as we are, in their work or in their relationships, we naturally assume it’s at least partly their own fault. If their relationships aren’t going well, we think it must be due to some flaw in their character; if they can’t get a promotion, it’s easy to think it must be because they don’t work hard enough.
But the world is like a great web, where everything is connected to everything else, no matter how far apart; so how can anything be due solely to one person
’s shortcomings? Isn’t it possible that some problems can’t be solved even with the greatest determination; that people’s given situation or background makes some things inherently harder for them than for others? Your will isn’t enough to turn your circumstances around; isn’t it possible that other people’s efforts were no less than yours, yet they, too, were unable to solve their problems? Try making your own slump an opportunity to be more compassionate toward others who are also struggling.
Finally, know that your continuous and accumulated efforts will eventually help to turn your circumstances around. The pitcher Chan Ho Park, the first Korean-born Major League Baseball player, once told me something that sums this up: Whether you are in a slump or riding high, whether fans are cheering or heckling, the only thing you can control is the ball you are about to throw. And though no single ball can do much on its own, taken together, all the balls you throw are enough to bring about a big change.
Your efforts, however small, are never in vain. Even the most vicious storm runs its course eventually; as long as you hold on and don’t give up, you’ll be able to see the sun come out again. Right now, in the middle of writing this essay, I hear that Shin-soo Choo is on a winning streak. We can do it, all of us!
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In the quilt of life,
praise and criticism, pleasure and pain,
winning and losing, joy and sadness
are woven together as one.
Even when we endure criticism or experience loss,
we should become mindful and accept it