“No, I’m not. I’m still processing.” Processing, not avoiding. I didn’t want to talk to Jake until I knew what I wanted to say. Since when was being prepared a bad thing? Since it’s being used as avoidance.
“So was Mom.” He jerked his thumb toward the back seat. “Why do you think we have a dozen muffins, two loaves of banana bread, and three dozen cookies back there?”
Cheese and rice. What does she expect us to do with that much food?
“I’ll call him when I get home,” I said. “I didn’t want to deal with it while we were here. I had enough to focus on.”
“Here’s the part where I get to feel guilty about the implosion of your relationship.”
“It’s not imploding. It’s just going in a different direction.” Ending was a very different direction than the one we’d been going in. The more I thought about it, the more I realized I should have kept that friend line firmly in place. The thought of abandoning Ben, Ashley, and especially Emily made me sick to my stomach, but it couldn’t be helped. I couldn’t stay in their lives without staying in Jake’s, and I didn’t trust myself to be just friends with him. And if I was more than just friends with him, I was scared I would lose myself. I didn’t know how to set boundaries.
When he’d learned I wouldn’t be able to help most evenings in the fall because of my grad classes, I’d been so tempted to blow them off, to put Jake and his needs first. On the surface, being giving was a good trait, but at what point did it stop? At some point, my needs and wants should come first. And if not now, during this part of my life, then when?
***
Jake
WHEN I SAW Rachel’s name pop up on my phone Sunday night, I answered after the first ring. Finally.
“I’m sorry,” I said immediately. “I hope you got my message. I acted like an ass and was totally—”
“Stop.” She didn’t sound like herself. Her voice was lower, more mechanical. “I can’t do this.”
“Do what?”
“Us.”
That one little word was a knife in my gut. I’d known not hearing from her all weekend was a bad sign, but I didn’t think the damage was so vast that it couldn’t be repaired. I’d fucked up, but I could make it better. I would make it better. She just had to let me.
“Rachel, I know now that I might have taken advantage of you, and I’m sorry. I’ll make it up to you.”
There was a pause, and the knife in my gut receded.
“I can’t.”
Then, just like that, it was jammed farther in.
I wanted to say, “you can,” but shit like that was what had gotten me in this mess in the first place. Maybe I hadn’t changed. But goddammit, that didn’t mean I couldn’t.
“Can we at least talk about this in person?”
She paused again. “No. If I’m with you, I don’t trust myself to do what’s best for me. I know that makes me sound like a bitch, but I don’t know how else to explain it. Since Ben’s done with summer school now, he can stay with Ashley and Emily the last few weeks of summer. But don’t worry. I’ll still come by and take Ashley to her last few drama classes this week.” Her words came out in a rush, leaving me no time to interject.
“That’s not what I’m worried about right now.” But I understood why she thought it might be. Hell, she’d discussed important decisions she’d made about her major and future career, and I hadn’t even remembered what she’d said. I wasn’t denying I’d screwed up, but that didn’t change how I felt about her and how much she meant to me. “You make me stronger. I need you in my life.”
She sucked in a breath, and the vise that had been squeezing my heart loosened. Maybe I’d gotten through to her, at least enough for her to talk to me before making this decision.
“That’s way too much pressure. I can’t be your strength.”
Fuck. I hadn’t wanted to pressure her. I’d wanted her to understand how important she was to me and how much I cared about her.
“Rach—”
“No. I’m sorry, Jake.” Her voice caught, like she was trying not to cry. “This is hard for me, but I think it’s best for both of us. You need to be strong without me.”
I didn’t see how being apart would be best when we were so good together. How could she not see that when it was so clear to me?
“What if I can’t?” I asked stubbornly, digging in my heels and knowing in my gut that was the wrong thing to say. But I couldn’t stop myself.
“You can,” she said simply. “Goodbye, Jake.”
The line went dead.
***
Rachel
WHEN I PULLED into Jake’s driveway to pick up Ashley for her drama class the next day, it was Emily who purposefully marched out to my car and climbed in the back seat.
“Um, hello,” I said hesitantly.
“Why aren’t you coming over anymore?” she asked.
Her words hurt my heart, which was already bruised and broken. “Ben’s home now,” I explained. “He’s done with summer school, so there’s no reason for me to be here full-time.” It was a valid reason, but not the true one.
“But I thought you were still going to come over.” Her voice was filled with confusion, like she knew she was missing something. I loved how intelligent these kids were, but times like this made me wish they were a little slower on the uptake.
“I’m still going to do the things Ben can’t,” I said carefully, “like drive Ashley to drama this week. Speaking of that, is she ready?”
“Almost.” Emily clicked her seat belt.
“What are you doing?”
She shrugged. “I’m bored. I want to come.”
Ashley ran out the front door and got halfway to my car before turning back. A few seconds later, she emerged again carrying the bag containing her costume.
“Good morning,” I said when she got in the car.
She glared at me then crossed her arms and looked out the window.
“Ashley,” Emily hissed. “You’re being rude.”
“She broke up with Jake, so I’m not talking to her.”
“What?” Emily shrieked. Thanks, Ash.
“Yeah. That’s why he’s sad.”
Hearing that Jake was sad made me feel worse, except for that small, petty part of me that was glad he was also hurting. Maybe it wasn’t all petty, though, because if he was sad, then that meant he cared, at least a little.
Feeling numb, I closed my eyes. I hadn’t anticipated this, which was stupid. Of course the kids would question why I wasn’t around. I wished I knew exactly what Jake had told them. Maybe if I could have held my shit together for a longer conversation, we could have talked about it.
Emily undid her seat belt and leaned between the front seats. “Why did you break up with Jake?”
“Buckle up,” I told her. “I don’t want Ashley to be late.”
She scooted back and clicked her seat belt. “Why did you break up with Jake?” she repeated.
“It’s complicated.” I didn’t want to discuss the breakup with them, not because they didn’t have a right to ask questions but because, as I’d told Jake before, I wasn’t their guardian. I didn’t know what he’d already told them. And hell, they were part of the reason I’d left. God, I felt like a heartless bitch admitting that, yet I couldn’t help but wonder how things might have been different if Jake hadn’t taken responsibility for his siblings right before we got together.
Our split definitely wasn’t their fault, though. Instead, my involvement with them had brought to light some things that otherwise may have remained hidden. I wanted someone who would put me first. I didn’t think that was an incredibly selfish requirement in a boyfriend. Jake couldn’t give that to me. I understood that—Ben, Ashley, and Emily needed to be his priority. I could deal with that, but I couldn’t handle Jake using me and our relationship as a way to offload his responsibility.
Being with the girls made my thoughts even more scrambled, though, because I didn’t mind doing things wit
h them and for them. In fact, I enjoyed it. If I was being really honest, I missed it, and it had only been one day.
Ashley snorted. “That means she doesn’t want to talk about it.” Smart girl.
“Was he mean to you?” Emily asked.
“Not exactly.” I glanced in the rearview mirror to see Emily’s concerned expression. Sweet girl. “But Ashley is right. I don’t want to talk about it.” It was on the tip of my tongue to tell her that we could still be friends, but that was treading into dangerous water. It was such an odd situation to be in, and one that had been caused by disregarding the friend line that should have remained in place. If I had only been Jake’s friend, employee, and the kids’ nanny, this mess could have been prevented. It had been selfish and unreasonable to think I could have it all.
And it was even more ridiculous that I was wondering if I still could.
CHAPTER 24
Jake
NEARLY A WEEK had passed, and Rachel still wouldn’t talk to me. Yesterday, she’d finally taken my call but only so she could ask me to stop calling and texting. She wanted a “clean break.” At first, that pissed me off. Had I been nothing more than a boss with benefits to her? Had our relationship meant so little to her that she could write it off so easily? And if that was the case, then why couldn’t I do the same?
The answer was simple—I loved that girl. It took losing her for me to realize it. How fucked up is that? Maybe I didn’t deserve her. I sure as hell came with baggage. Maybe it was too much to ask her to accept all that. The real pisser was that I’d thought she not only accepted it but embraced it. She had fit seamlessly into my new life. But I realized now that had been all her doing, not mine. I’d talked a big game about changing my life for my siblings, but other than moving into a house with them, I hadn’t had to make many adjustments, all thanks to Rachel.
I wanted to be what she needed, but damn it, I had little wiggle room. Everything would be easier if I gave up football, but easier wasn’t always better. Just like I would resent my siblings if I gave up football, I feared I would also resent Rachel if I gave it up to make more time for her. Maybe that made me an asshole. I wasn’t sure. If nothing else, it made me honest. I didn’t want the love I felt for her to turn into resentment.
Emily landed in the seat next to me in the auditorium and handed Ben and me programs. We’d forgotten to grab them when we came into the auditorium.
Ben opened the lavender program. “How long is this thing?”
“I don’t know.” I counted the songs listed. There were twelve. If each one didn’t last more than five minutes, then the entire show shouldn’t last more than an hour. I was happy to support Ashley, but musical theater—especially musical theater performed by tweens—wasn’t my thing. I fully expected the performances to be cringeworthy… except for hers, of course.
It turned out I wasn’t wrong. I’m such an ass. Ashley’s singing didn’t break glass or anything, but she didn’t have what I would call natural talent. Still, while she wasn’t the best, she definitely wasn’t the worst. But I would never, ever say that to her.
As the show finished, I eyed the adults around me, wondering if they had genuinely enjoyed it. Maybe once people became parents, their brains got rewired to like this shit. Or maybe they’d just had more practice at hiding their true feelings.
As soon as the lights came back on, Emily jumped up and ran to the back of the auditorium. What the hell? Maybe she had to go to the bathroom. I’d let her have a huge soda at dinner, which was probably a mistake. She’d barely been able to sit still through the show. At one point, I’d put my arm around her to keep her from bouncing in her seat.
“What’d you think?” I asked Ben.
“Do you want my honest opinion?” he asked dryly.
“No. I want the opinion you’re going to tell Ashley when she comes out.”
“In that case, it was the best middle school theater show I’ve ever seen.”
It was the only middle school theater show he’d ever seen. I couldn’t help but grin. What a smart-ass.
Emily reappeared, dragging Rachel by the hand. I ran a hand through my hair. Damn it. I hadn’t known she was coming, though I should have assumed it. Rachel had taken Ashley to every rehearsal and had even sewn her damn costume. She was more invested in seeing the show than I was.
Rachel looked fantastic. She wore a modest dress, and her hair sat on top of her head in a messy bun. I wanted to pull at whatever was holding it up until the hair fell onto her shoulders.
Ben looked at me, then Rachel, then back at me. “Um, yeah. I’ll wait in the truck.” Then he dipped out. Punk. Good to know I should never count on him to be my wingman.
“Look!” Emily said, pulling Rachel’s arm forward. “She brought flowers for Ashley.”
I stared at the bouquet of roses and glanced around me, noticing for the first time that all the other people had similar items. Fuck. I didn’t know that was a thing.
Emily tugged on my arm. “There’s the other Emily who was in my class at school. I’m going to go talk to her.”
I nodded, and she darted off.
“Hi, Jake,” Rachel said quietly.
“Hi.” There were so many things I wanted to say to her, but not while we were being jostled by the other attendees making their way down the aisle. I wondered if I should spit out the words anyway because I might not get another chance. “How are you?”
“Fine. You?”
“Fine.” This is the fucking worst. Our conversation couldn’t get any more superficial. I gestured to the roses. “Ashley will love those. I didn’t think to get any.”
She nodded. “I figured that, so these can be from everyone.”
Ouch. I doubted she’d been trying to get a dig in with her comment, but nevertheless, that was the result. She had thought I might screw up, and she’d been right. And as usual, she’d bailed my ass out.
“You can give these to her.” Rachel handed me the flowers. “Tell her I said she was wonderful.”
She turned to leave, but I grabbed her arm to stop her. “Wait. Please don’t go. Come back to the house after this. The kids miss you. I miss you.”
She stared at me like she was waiting for me to say more. I wanted to, but damn it, I wasn’t going to tell her I loved her while we were surrounded by middle-aged parents in a middle school auditorium.
Someone bumped into Rachel, igniting the irrational urge to take her in my arms and protect her. I would take any excuse to pull her against me. “You’re important to me,” I told her instead. “I want you in my life.”
She pulled her arm away. “Sorry. I just… I can’t be your crutch.”
I frowned. “My crutch? What’s that mean?”
Applause and chatter erupted around us as kids emerged from backstage to greet their parents. I caught sight of Ashley, who had been waylaid by the parents of her friend.
“I should go.” Rachel sounded sad. “Take care of yourself, okay?”
I didn’t stop her as she walked away. She wove her way through the crowd and out the exit. I didn’t know what else to do, which seemed to be my new status quo.
I never knew what the fuck to do.
***
Rachel
WALKING AWAY FROM Jake was harder than it should have been. I had made the right decision. Things should have been getting easier instead of harder.
When I got to the parking lot, my hands shook. I’d planned to go home, but Katie was with Wyatt, and while Princess Buttercup was there, she’d been pissy with me, probably because I hadn’t taken her to see her new BFF, Ashley, that week. I didn’t want to be alone with my thoughts. No, that’s not right. My thoughts were fine—my head said I had done what was best for me. But my feelings were another matter altogether. They were all over the place. I’d thought the pressure in my chest that occurred whenever I thought about Jake would have subsided, but instead it only grew more intense.
I called Eli. “What are you doing? Do you want to hang out
?”
“I’m at Stephen’s place.” That was his new boyfriend, whom I had yet to meet.
“Oh, don’t worry about it, then.”
“Is everything okay?”
I attempted to sound upbeat. “Sure! I’m great!” Oops. I may have overdone it.
There was a pause. “We’re just about to binge the first season of Game of Thrones. You can come over if you want.”
“I don’t want to intrude.”
“It’s not intruding. His roommate is watching with us too. I’ll text you his address.”
Stephen’s apartment turned out to be down the street from mine, and since most people still hadn’t returned to town, I easily found a guest space to park in.
Stephen had flaming-red hair—there was no chance he could claim auburn—and a face full of freckles. If I’d been feeling snarky, I would have asked if his last name was Weasley. He was a year older than Eli and a music major with a plan to become a high school band director. His roommate, Talia, was an art major, like Eli, and had been the one to introduce the two of them.
While Talia and Stephen made popcorn and mixed drinks in the kitchen, Eli sat with me on the couch. “What’s going on?”
I pasted a smile on my face and was about to say “nothing,” but Eli always saw through my bullshit. Perhaps I should have found someone else to hang out with, except there was no one—all my other friends were still away for the summer.
“I went to Ashley’s theater showcase, and I saw Jake.”
My brother grimaced in understanding. “Awkward, right?”
“Yes.” But the truth was that it was awkward, and it wasn’t. In some ways, it felt like nothing had changed between us. I still felt like I belonged with him. That’s just because the breakup is so fresh. Yet I’d never felt that way with Adam. Probably because even though I was with Adam for two years, I hadn’t felt for him even a fraction of what I felt for Jake. There was a lot to sort through regarding my uncomfortable feelings, but that was why I was there—so I wouldn’t have to. Maybe I should have made do with Princess Buttercup.
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