I patted Eli’s knee. “Did you talk to Mom yet? I talked to her for a few minutes, and she said she might call you.”
“She did, actually. Last night.”
“And?”
“She’s still wrapping her head around it, but she’s coming around. The conversation wasn’t much different than it normally would be.”
“What about Dad?”
Eli fidgeted. “I still haven’t talked to him, and Mom gave me the same line about giving him time. But… I did talk to Cara.”
“Really?” Neither Eli nor I were close with any of our sisters. I could count on one hand the number of times I’d talked to Cara and Jenna on the phone since I’d been away at college.
“She and Rob talked to Dad.”
“Rob talked to Dad?”
My brother nodded. “I was as shocked as you are. Apparently, he has a cousin who is trans, and his entire family disowned her. He was close to the cousin growing up, and it didn’t sit right with him. He’s secretly kept in touch with her, but if his family knew, they’d probably disown him.”
“Oh my God,” I whispered. “I had no idea.”
“Me neither. Cara knew, but like I said, it’s Rob’s family’s dirty little secret.” He shook his head. “Anyway, they talked to Dad, and do you know what Dad was most worried about?”
I braced myself. “What everyone in town will think?”
“That’s actually his second concern, believe it or not. He’s more worried about passing on the Byrne name.”
I snorted. “We have like fifty male cousins. The Byrne legacy is alive and well.”
Eli shrugged. “I’m just telling you what Cara told me. I mean, honestly, not much has changed. I didn’t really talk much to Dad before, and I’m not talking to him now. We’re never going to be buds.”
“Yeah.” I understood that. I doubted I would ever be close to the other women in my family. At least Eli and I had each other.
“But the tuition check cleared, so yay.” Eli did jazz hands.
“Well, that’s something.” I hoped it was a sign that my family was on the right path.
“So now that you’re up to date on my drama, tell me more about yours.” Damn it.
“There’s no drama,” I corrected. “We just broke up. That’s all.” That’s all. Snort. Even I wasn’t buying that line because if it were true, I wouldn’t have crashed Eli’s GOT party to avoid my feelings. I should have known Eli wouldn’t let that fly.
“If that was all, you wouldn’t have called me with an SOS.”
“It wasn’t an…” I sighed. “Okay, maybe it was an SOS. I didn’t want to hang out in an empty apartment. Besides, you were gone all summer. Is it so wrong for your big sister to want to see you?”
“It is if it’s bullshit.” Eli narrowed his eyes at me. “Tell me again why you’re here and not with Jake. I still don’t get it. You seemed happy with him.”
I had been happy, or so I’d thought. I didn’t know anymore. “I didn’t like who I was becoming with him.”
“Explain.”
“I took care of the kids, the house, everything. I was basically Mom.” When I heard myself say that, I felt like a petulant teenager dissing her uncool parents, but it was more than that. I didn’t want to fall into the role of wife and mother without being my own person. I was putting the cart way in front of the horse in this scenario, but regardless, my feelings were what they were.
My brother looked at me questioningly. “But you were happy.”
I thought about the times I’d spent with the kids—dress shopping with Ashley, baking with Emily, and even that one time Ben tried to teach me how to play World of Warcraft. But my thoughts mostly lingered on my time with Jake—our first kiss in his kitchen after the Target expedition, tubing with everyone at the New River, and the hours we’d spent wrapped around one another. The memories made me sad, but only because I would never experience those happy times again.
“Yeah. I was happy,” I confirmed.
“So then what’s the problem?”
“He told me he couldn’t do it without me. That’s too much pressure. I was his girlfriend and the kids’ nanny. I’m not their mother. He needs to figure out how to manage without me because I can’t always be there no matter…”
Eli propped his chin on his fist. “Finish the thought.”
“No matter how much I want to be.” My voice was barely above a whisper. I didn’t like admitting that out loud. The role I’d railed against my entire life actually made me happy. It made me feel fulfilled in a way I hadn’t expected, and that was because I was in that role with Jake by my side.
“So be there. See where it takes you.” Eli’s advice seemed too easy.
I shook my head. “I can’t. I don’t want to question if he wants me for everything I do for him or if he wants me for me.” Because no matter how much I liked taking care of him and the kids, it wouldn’t be enough for me, not in the long run. No, it was better to get out now before I got in even deeper.
“But how do you feel about him?”
“I care about him a lot, more than I’ve ever cared about anyone else. It’s just that there’s this pressure here.” I splayed my hand across my chest. “There’s just too much pressure. I can’t be who he wants me to be.”
“So the pressure is because of his expectations?”
“Yeah.” I tried to keep the annoyance out of my tone. Eli was trying to help, but I’d already told him everything, and I hadn’t wanted to talk about it in the first place. I was emotionally exhausted from seeing Jake and engaging in this conversation.
“Are you sure about that?”
“For fuck’s sake, Eli.” I stopped myself and looked guiltily at his friends, who were trying to look busy in the kitchen and failing miserably. They were totally eavesdropping, but I didn’t care. I would have done the same. Still, I lowered my voice. “Why do you keep asking the same damn question?”
He shifted on the couch. “You’ve been stressed before, right?”
“Yeah, of course.”
“What did that stress feel like?”
“I don’t know. Why does it matter?”
“Just stay with me on this. What did it feel like?”
I thought back to my classroom observations with Mrs. Davidson. My stomach would churn, and I would get tightness behind my eyes. “Headaches and upset stomach.”
“But not pressure in your chest?”
I shook my head.
Eli’s lips stretched into a smile. “That pressure you’re feeling isn’t stress, Rach.”
“Then what is it, Dr. Byrne? Hmmm?”
Eli threw his head back and looked at the ceiling. “Oh my God, Rachel. For a smart person, you can be so dense sometimes. But if you can’t figure it out, I’m not going to tell you.”
I knew immediately what he was alluding to, and it was ridiculous. “You think I’m in love with him or something, don’t you?” I laughed. “It’s only been a couple months. That’s not nearly enough time to fall in love with someone.”
“If you say so.”
“I’m not in love with him.” I scoffed. “That would be crazy because…” I put a hand over my chest as I felt the familiar tightness that was there whenever I thought about Jake. It filled me, and if I closed my eyes, it didn’t feel like pressure so much as warmth and longing. Holy shit. “I’m in love with him.”
“Ya think?”
I rested my head in my hands and my elbows on my knees. How the hell did Eli figure that out before me? Apparently, I was emotionally illiterate and couldn’t understand my own feelings.
I’m in love with Jake.
The realization was surreal. I’d never loved anyone before, much less been in love. Still, I felt like a moron for not recognizing it. Too bad it didn’t change anything.
“It’s not enough.”
Now it was Eli’s turn to get annoyed. “For eff’s sake, Rach. Why not?”
I struggled to put my reasoning into w
ords. “Jake told me I made him strong, remember? But I can’t do that for him. Let’s say we get back together and then we break up for good. He needs to realize he can handle his family on his own. Also, I don’t trust myself with him. It’s so easy to forget about me and put him and the kids first. He can’t put me first, and I get that, but I don’t want to get lost in the mix. Besides that, what I said earlier stands. Because of how we started, how will I know if he wants me for me or for the role I play in his and the kids’ lives?”
Eli stared at me. “Well, it sounds like you’ve got your reasons all thought out.”
I’d expected him to argue with me and was surprised when he didn’t. But he was right. I’d thought it through. No matter my feelings, it didn’t make sense for me to get back together with Jake—if he would even take me back at that point. If he wouldn’t, then I would know it wasn’t meant—
Stop. The matter is settled. No point playing the if game.
“Hey, Peeping Toms!” Eli called. “You want to start Game of Thrones now?”
Stephen plopped down next to him on the couch. “Peeping Toms look at naked people, so that’s not what we are.”
“Yeah,” Talia said. “We’re Nosy Nellies, not Peeping Toms.”
Stephen wriggled his eyebrows at my brother. “But if you want to get naked, I could make an exception and be your Peeping Tom.”
Aw… how cute. Except, ew… he was talking about my little brother.
“Don’t even think about responding to that in my presence,” I told Eli sternly. “You’re still my little brother.”
One edge of his mouth quirked up. “And you’re still my neurotic big sister.”
To that, I responded in the only way an older, wiser, and more mature sibling would. I stuck my tongue out at him.
***
Jake
I ATTENDED BEN’S new-student orientation and even asked a few questions that I thought were appropriate and relevant. Ben was thoroughly embarrassed and shrunk away from me, muttering, “Stop talking. Just please stop.” I took that as a sign that I was doing something right, so I asked three more questions after that. Maybe I could handle this guardian thing after all.
Ashley had stayed home with Emily. I’d checked my phone every two minutes throughout the orientation, petrified I would get a call from them or worse, a call from the fire department telling me the house was on fire. But when we got home, the girls looked like they hadn’t moved. Ashley was still in bed in her pajamas, watching YouTube on her phone, and Emily was sprawled on the couch, watching TV. After taking a hard look at our situation, I’d determined that I wanted to try giving Ashley more responsibility. Since I’d only been going a mile down the road, I figured this would be a good test. I was relieved she’d passed.
I had also determined that the next year would be the hardest. Once Ben had his license, he would be able to help with taxiing the girls back and forth to activities. When I’d mentioned that to him, he had merely shrugged and said that as long as I got him a cool car, he would do whatever.
“Even the grocery shopping?” I’d asked.
“Sure,” he’d replied. “I’ll just do it online.”
Mind blown. I’d had no fucking clue I could order groceries online and have them delivered to the house. The time savings was worth the extra cost. I’d made a deal on the spot with Ben that I would pay him to handle that now. He’d agreed immediately. Win-win.
That had given me another idea, and I’d offered to pay the girls an allowance if they took care of the laundry. Emily had readily agreed, but it had taken some time to come to an agreement with Ashley. She’d considered my offer a starting point for negotiation, and by the time we were done, I’d agreed to pay her more than I’d originally offered. She’d also tacked on the condition that if she proved she was responsible, I would consider letting her get a cat. Lord help me. Still, I’d walked away from the negotiation with a smile, thinking Ashley might be better suited to debate than drama.
After orientation, I grabbed my gear and rushed to football practice. I was late, but I’d had a meeting with Coach Coyle a few days ago to discuss my situation. I’d told him that while I would do everything in my power to attend every practice and training, that might not always be possible since I was caring for my three siblings. I’d told myself that if he was an ass about it, then I didn’t want to play for him anyway. It was total bullshit, but the thought gave me the courage to do what I needed to do for my family. Luckily, Coach Coyle had been cool about it and had stressed the importance of communication.
In the days since I’d seen Rachel, I’d thought a lot about her comment about me using her as a crutch. At first, I’d been in denial, but it didn’t take long for me to realize that what she’d said was true—I’d come to depend on her so much that I hadn’t been standing on my own two feet. She’d shown up in my life at the perfect time so that I didn’t have to. It had been the easy way out, but not the best way. It hadn’t been good for me or the kids, and it hadn’t been fair to her. I hated to admit it, but she’d been right to kick me to the curb.
God, I missed her. I would’ve been lying if I said I didn’t miss her helping with the kids, but that was partially because I liked being part of a team. It was one of the reasons football suited me. More than that, though, I simply missed her. It was the worst at night when I went to bed alone. I missed waking up feeling the warmth of her skin on mine. I missed seeing her sleep with her fist under her chin, like she was thinking deeply, even in her sleep.
As much as I missed her, though, I respected her enough not to try to get her back with promises I couldn’t keep.
CHAPTER 25
Jake
WHEN I CAME home from football practice, I was surprised to see Eli sitting in my living room, playing Uno with Emily.
“Hi,” I said uncertainly.
Emily misread the confusion in my expression. “Don’t be mad. Ben said it was okay for him to come in because we know him.”
Eli put his cards down. “Sorry. I would have called ahead if I had your number. But I’d have to ask Rachel for that, and she doesn’t know I’m here.”
My surprise gave way to confusion. I dropped my bag on the floor but remained standing. “Why are you here?” I’d met Eli once for a total of twenty seconds and hadn’t made a stellar impression. He was the last person I’d expected to find in my living room.
Eli looked at Emily, who let out a disgruntled sigh. “I know what that means. I’ll go away so the ‘grown-ups’ can talk.” She stomped out of the living room. Moments later, her bedroom door closed loudly. Fuck me. She’d been spending too much time with Ashley. Perhaps pairing them up to do the laundry had been a bad idea.
Eli rubbed his palms on his shorts. “Again, sorry to just show up like this. I wanted to talk to you in person.”
Worry suddenly clawed at my chest. “Is Rachel okay?”
“Eh,” he muttered. “Define okay. I don’t know what you did exactly, but you fucked up.”
Eli kept surprising me, but what I still didn’t know was why the hell he was there. If it was to berate me, I would show him the door. I could manage that myself.
“I know,” I said tightly.
“But maybe she’s fucking up now.”
I did a double take. “What?”
“She was happy with you. Maybe she still could be. I don’t know.”
I studied Rachel’s brother, wishing I had taken the time to get to know him when Rachel and I were together so I could figure out what his motive was now. This conversation was throwing me for a loop.
Incidentally, he studied me right back. He seemed equally out of his element.
“Again, not to be an ass, but why are you here?” I asked.
Eli rested his elbows on his knees and laced his fingers together. “Something you said or did has gotten her all up in her head and made her neurotic. For the record, I’m her brother, so I can say that. You can’t.”
“I know better than to call an
y woman neurotic.” Despite the circumstances, I liked this kid. Finally lowering my guard, I sat adjacent to him in a chair. “Not all of it is her being neurotic, though.” At his perturbed look, I put my hands up. “I’m just repeating your words. Relationships are about compromise, right? But there are some things I can’t compromise on. My siblings come first. They have to. I can’t change that.”
“She wouldn’t want you to, because seriously, that would make you a total jackass. And Rachel doesn’t need another jackass in her life.”
I took a second to think about what he’d said and realized he was right—Rachel would think less of me if I shoved the kids aside for my own benefit. I would think less of me too.
“I’d like to think I’m not a jackass.” I paused. “Well, most of the time anyway. But I can’t be who she needs me to be either.”
“Are you sure about that?”
I had been, but the fact that Eli was there made me question myself. I’d given up on the idea of being with Rachel since she seemed to want nothing to do with me. Besides that, my circumstances hadn’t changed. But Eli’s presence lit a dangerous spark of hope. “What did she tell you?”
“Nope. Not breaking her confidence. But do you care about her?”
I wasn’t a spill-my-feelings kind of guy, especially to a dude I barely knew. “She’s important to me.”
Eli stared at me. “Yeah, and her hairstylist is important to her. That’s not what I asked.”
Maybe I didn’t like Eli after all. “Why are you arguing semantics?”
“It’s not semantics. Well, technically it is, but there is a subtle but important difference.”
For fuck’s sake, I hadn’t lost Rachel because of poor word choice. If that were the case, I would have cracked open a damn thesaurus and fixed the problem. “She knows how I feel about her.”
He was silent for a moment. “Does she?”
I opened my mouth to say, “yeah,” but I closed it, suddenly not certain. I’d thought Rachel knew, but Eli had me second-guessing. Damn him and all his stupid questions. I thought he was an art major, but he was pulling some psychology shit on me.
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