“Where are you going?”
“Get out. We need to talk. I can’t drive with this unexplained, frigid fury hitting me off you.” I slammed the car door shut and closed my eyes.
Get a grip. You have zero expectations from him. He owes you nothing.
But when I opened my eyes, I forgot about it all within a snap of a second. “You begged me to let you see Anna. Why did you want to join us when you have no interest in speaking to her—or me, for that matter.”
His face brows furrowed, and his jaw clenched taut.
“Tell me. I really need to understand what’s on your mind. You can’t be that bored inside John’s house. You want to be driven around? Are you that desperate for company?”
“It’s not about that.” He lifted his hands to clutch his head, elbows up and out. The same picture of forlorn confusion and shock I’d seen that day at school, when I drove away from him after he figured out Anna was his child.
It made me soften a little. “What’s going on with you?”
He dropped his stare to the ground then glanced at the cars whizzing past us on the road.
“Jax, you can tell me.”
“It’s frustrating,” he said. “I’m trying here. I’m trying, and I know I’m screwing up and I can’t fucking get it right.”
“Get what right?”
“This dad stuff.”
I’d never seen Jax at a loss for words. “What did you think you were doing when you asked to join us today?”
“Exactly what I said I wanted. I want to get to know Anna better. I had a good time with her at the trampoline park. But there wasn’t any talking involved there. It was just jumping and playing, and we bonded over that. She was happy, and it felt good. I thought I could do it again today.”
“You don’t have to do that. You don’t have to bond with Anna. She doesn’t even know you’re her father. She thinks you’re John’s friend’s son, and you’re crashing at his place. That’s all. She’ll never connect the dots.”
“Doesn’t she ever ask?” His chest rose and fell quickly as he waited for a response.
“Ask about what?”
“What do you say when she asks about her dad?”
I sensed that the answer to this question was important to him. I wanted to say the right thing to help him cope with his confusion. But I wasn’t going to lie to accommodate that.
I closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose. “When I woke up this morning, I didn’t expect to have this conversation. I miss the days when every morning was uneventful.”
“Tell me what she knows about her dad.”
“She doesn’t ask. I don’t know if she’ll ask in the future or not. Maybe this is just how it’s going to be. She’s never shown an interest in her dad. Most of her friends are being raised by single moms. Her world is complete with just me in it.”
Jax exhaled sharply. “I suck at this anyway.”
My heart skipped a beat. For all the years I’d known him, he was never one to doubt himself. He set his sights on something, and he made it happen. But the pressure of being Anna’s father was making him lose his shit.
“You don’t have to be a dad.” I kicked the wheel of my car, just to have something to do. “Anna doesn’t need a dad. She could use another friend. I’m not telling her about you because I don’t think it’s good for her right now.”
A flare of frustration sparked in his eyes. “If you’d told me ten years ago, I could’ve had a chance to figure this stuff out. I didn’t even want kids. I’m thirty years old, and I’m suddenly a dad. Not to a baby, I must add. A grown girl! She’s as tall as you! I don’t know what to do.”
His passionate monologue was tinged with regret.
“Jax.”
“Don’t. I’m sick of pretending that this hasn’t screwed my life up for me.”
I jerked at that revelation. “For you? Screwed that up for you? How has that girl screwed up your world?”
He halted, obviously realizing what he’d said. “That’s not what I meant.”
I smiled through my anger. “This is exactly why I didn’t tell you. You’re self-centered and selfish. You weren’t like this when we first met. You changed. You became hard and unyielding and cold. All that mattered was Jax, Jax, Jax.”
His eyes narrowed, and I continued on angrily.
“I ceased to matter. Everything was about what you wanted. How the world should suck it up and deal with whatever you want. You didn’t care how your actions impacted another person. You admitted it yourself. You don’t give a shit about anyone. Why all the pretense? Why are you pretending to want something meaningful with Anna when you and I both know she’s a diversion? You’re trying to stay occupied while you rot here in this ‘shithole.’ Anna and I are not a temporary entertainment channel you switched to because none of the other channels had anything worth watching!”
He reached for my face. I jerked away, but his fingertips held the nape of my neck, and his thumb rested firmly on my jawline. I jolted into stiff shock at the intimacy of his touch.
Before I could figure out what to do and how to fight the urge to kiss him, he yanked his hands away.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.” He shook his head. “I’m not ready. I’m not ready to be a dad, but part of me feels like I owe something to Anna.”
“You don’t. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. We don’t need you to be Anna’s dad. We’re fine!”
Why did my words sound hollow to my own ears?
Anna was fine. But would she continue to be fine?
Me? I wasn’t fine.
I didn’t trust men. I’d tried relationships and dating, but it was too much pressure now.
I was afraid I’d get trampled over by the man or considered weak for opening up. If that didn’t happen, I came across cold and unfeeling.
That sucked for me because I really wanted a partner, someone to share my life with. But I was too scared to take the plunge.
I’d had one real relationship after Jax, with a kind, wonderful man. Greg cared, and he was dependable and kind. I thought I was all set, completely over Jax.
But three months ago, when Greg asked me to marry him, I’d panicked. I answered him with a loud “No.”
I couldn’t tell Greg that I was tormented by memories of this one man, Jax, who I loved with a vengeance. I continued to want him.
Why did Jax have to return? It was easier to believe I didn’t want him when he was far away. I wanted him like a crazy, fragile, weak woman. I wanted to throw myself into his arms and melt away.
Men were a fickle lot. I’d learned the perils of misplaced trust after being dumped by Jax. Ironically, though, Jax was the only man I wanted to trust.
I knew exactly how he would let me down. There would be no surprises there. Jax would not disappoint my expectations of his betrayal.
When it came to other men, I kept lying in wait, wondering how they would betray me.
Jax would abandon me. I knew it. It wasn’t so scary when I was prepared for it.
“Stop trying to be a dad when that’s not what Anna needs.”
“What do you need? “
The hope, the promise in his eyes made me want to bolt. Run away from him like I’d run away from Greg’s proposal three months ago.
I didn’t want the promise of anything. It would only be broken. “I don’t want anything from you. Just fix your own issues, then leave us to our life. We’re pretty happy.”
His eyes darted over my face, boring holes into me as if he was trying to get a peek into my soul. I blocked him out.
“Can I tell you a secret?”
I shrugged. “Sure, why not?”
“I’m terrified that Anna wouldn’t like me if she knew I was her dad.” He chuckled. “That’s insane. I’ve never given two shits about anyone liking me.”
My heart warmed at his admission. Now I knew why Jax had acted like a jackass. He was terrified of the emotional connection
he felt with Anna. He didn’t know what to do with it. He’d been without family ties for so long. “Do you want to talk about it sometime?”
He grinned. “Every time I sat down with my therapist, I hated every minute of it. I was only doing it to pacify Diane. But for the last three days, all I’ve wanted is to be in that man’s office again. I need help to figure this out.”
“Call him then.”
“Maybe I should. “
“I’m obviously not the right person to help you deal with this. Because I’d rather you still didn’t know about it,” I teased.
He chuckled. “If it were up to you, I’d have grandkids running around and you still wouldn’t tell me.”
“That was the ideal situation, yes.”
“You’re a cruel woman,” he joked. “Now can we go home?”
Home? “Yeah, sure.”
Twenty minutes later, I pulled into my driveway and considered inviting Jax inside.
Don’t do it.
I needed to find a way to stop wanting the man before I executed this bizarre, ill-conceived plan of being friends with this sex-on-legs creature.
“Liv?” Jax had stopped on his way to his father’s house. “Can I take you out to dinner tonight?”
My heart sped up. He had his hands in his pockets, and he looked almost hesitant. He looked adorable, and that’s not a word anyone would associate with this powerful, unyielding man. The moment reminded me of when Jax was seventeen and he’d asked me out. He looked young and carefree and like my old Jax.
I smiled as I shook my head no. I wanted him too much. I was terrified.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
He nodded, his jaw grating. His face was unreadable.
I’d had trouble gauging Jax’s feelings when he turned eighteen, after his mother left. It was almost as if he’d practiced shutting off all his emotions.
Now he was just too good at it to know any different.
12
Jax
I spotted Liv on the other side of my bedroom window before she even tapped furiously on it. Her expression, one of pure terror, made my heart hammer erratically.
I yanked the window open. “What’s going on?”
“Why aren’t you answering your phone? Someone’s broken into my house.”
I was rushing outside before Liv had completed the sentence.
“Where’s Anna?” I stormed toward the front of Liv’s house. Before Liv answered, I spotted Anna. She was standing ten feet away from the door, wearing shorts and a tank top, shivering.
My heart wrenched seeing her like that. She looked like her mother: pretty damned scared.
“Call 911.”
“I already did.”
I pushed the front door open. “Stay here, both of you.”
“No! Don’t go inside alone. I’m coming with you.”
I didn’t want to argue with her when her voice was shaking.
She halted when she saw my confusion. “Jax, just help me look inside.”
Police sirens wailed in the distance as I turned on every light in the house and pulled the closet doors open. It was a compact two-bedroom house with just one floor, so I cleared the house before the cops even got there.
In under half an hour, the cops had finished searching the perimeter of the house and the thick bushes growing wild in the backyard. Nothing. They’d stay in touch, they said. Let them know if we saw anything else suspicious. The usual.
I stood in the living room as Liv shut the door behind them and leaned against it. “I’m still shaking.”
My restraint, my sense, vanished. I couldn’t help it. Striding over, I clutched Liv’s forearms and pulled her into my chest, hugging her tightly.
To my surprise, Liv melted into me. Her face buried into the center of my chest. I rested my nose on her head, instinctively inhaling the scent of her hair.
Big mistake. Liv lurched out of my arms as if I’d scorched her. She didn’t meet my eyes, and I felt like I’d crossed a boundary.
I probably should keep my hands off her. For safety reasons.
Anna was lying on the couch, her head resting on a blue cushion.
Liv began to speak in what seemed like an effort to dissipate the awkward silence. “We got home from the mall. Anna went to change in her room, and I went to the kitchen. There’s glass all over the floor inside.”
“Which means someone pushed it in from outside.”
“Exactly.” Liv shivered.
I balled my hands into fists at my sides as reinforcement to keep my hands off Liv. I wanted to clutch her to me, hold her, comfort her.
Instead, to distract myself, I glanced at Anna. She looked so tiny, curled up on the couch. She was far from her usually chatty self. The girls were terrified. My girls were terrified.
“Do you want to go to bed, Anna?” I winced as soon as I said the words. Both of my girls looked at me like I was a ghost.
“I’m scared.”
My throat closed up at the admission. I was glad when Liv took over.
“I know, baby. It’s okay to be scared. But you know you’re not alone, right? I’m here with you.”
“Why would someone even want to break in? What did we do wrong?”
Liv kissed Anna’s hand. “Nothing. We did nothing wrong. I’m not even sure the person who broke in wanted to steal something. Maybe they were just hungry. It’s not an excuse, but if they were dangerous, they’d have taken stuff. Or stayed inside to scare us. Jax checked the whole house. The police even checked the berry bushes in the backyard. They said it’s okay to stay here.”
“Can I sleep in your room?”
Liv smiled, and I was hooked on the sight of Liv being a mom. Such a calm mom, in control. “Your room’s as safe as mine, kiddo. Tell you what. I’ll stay in there with you, help make sure everything’s okay tonight. Tomorrow, maybe you’ll feel better sleeping alone again. Okay?”
As Liv and Anna made their way to the bedroom, I spotted the broken window through the open kitchen door. I couldn’t bring myself to leave the house. I paced the living room until Liv called from Anna’s bedroom.
“Jax?”
She’s never going to be okay with letting me stay.
In the bedroom, Anna and Liv were sitting in bed.
I prepared for a fight. “I’m not leaving you alone in here tonight.” I leveled my glare at Liv’s dumbfounded face. “That’s not up for discussion.”
Anna fell onto her pillow, nonplussed. Liv glanced at me sideways. “Okay.”
“What? No argument?”
She shrugged.
I pressed the back of my hand to her forehead. “Are you sure you don’t need a doctor?”
She smacked my hand away, fighting a smile. “I can’t argue right now. I’m exhausted. Nothing like this ever happens in this neighborhood. That’s one of the reasons I moved here.”
I looked around. Everything in the room was a shade of purple. I dragged a purple beanbag to the center of the room and fell on top of it. “This is a safe neighborhood. Always has been. Even the cops were confused.”
“Maybe because they didn’t take anything? Weird.”
Anna looked at me. Should I say something to help, like Liv had? I tried to come up with something meaningful that would help her feel safe. “Don’t worry about a thing.” That’s all I could manage.
What the hell was wrong with me?
Even Anna looked at me like I’d completely lost the plot.
How the fuck did I end up here?
In my daughter’s room, with a big poster of Ariana Grande on one wall and a pegboard with art covering the other. A wooden desk, a computer, books. A backpack with shimmery beading.
“I love your bedroom, Anna.”
Silence.
“She’s asleep,” Liv murmured gently.
“Oh.” I got to my feet. “I’ll be in the living room if you need me.”
“Stay for a while.”
A knot constricted my throat, a
nd I fell back onto the beanbag. Liv was the mother of my child. We had been connected for the last eleven years. This bond was irrevocable.
Both of us were comfortable with the silent staring contest.
The warmth in her eyes reminded me of the way she’d listened to me when my mom left. I’d vowed to not cry, and I hadn’t. I’d turned into stone that day. Liv had tried to reach me as I shut down. She’d tried to hug me, but I rejected her. I’d chosen to wallow in my pain all alone and turned into an uncompassionate bastard.
That wasn’t even the worst of it.
During the eight months that followed, I had festered with my pain alone. I lashed out at the one person closest to me: Liv.
She bore it silently every time. Understanding me, caring for me, giving a goddamned shit.
And then you dumped her. After getting her pregnant.
I’m sorry, Liv.
I couldn’t say it out loud. I didn’t believe in offering an apology without also offering an explanation to the problem.
And I didn’t have one.
How could I explain why I’d left her behind? There was no excuse for the way I’d handled it. Except that I was piece of shit that didn’t deserve the beautiful woman Liv had become.
And I sure as hell didn’t deserve the lovely child she’d given birth to. A child that was half mine.
Liv and Anna deserved better.
The two of them are better off without me in the picture.
If I could do it all over again, would I do anything differently? I would’ve still left Liv behind—even if I’d known she was pregnant.
The mere thought of being an actual dad to Anna terrified me. It was too much pressure. It was too much responsibility for someone who only had himself to care about for the past eleven years. Just thinking about it made me feel like an imposter.
What the fuck did I know about being a good dad?
I was a selfish prick.
Just like my dad had been.
13
Liv
I locked my car and walked up to the front door.
The sound of a hammer landing on wood resounded from the back of my house. Changing direction, I made my way around, and froze at the sight.
Baby's Daddy: An Enemies to Lovers Romance Page 8