Dreams of Joy

by Lisa See

  He thinks I’m rich, and in the New China I suppose I am with my U.S. dollars.

  “Upper-class Overseas Chinese are accorded every consideration,” he continues. “You are privileged to have the Three Guarantees. You may receive and keep remittances sent to you, as long as you have them processed through the Overseas Chinese Affairs Commission. You may exchange your remittances for special certificates, which will allow you to pay for living expenses, travel, and funerals. You’ll also be allowed to buy goods at special shops, where you can use the certificates you get in exchange for your remittances.”

  “What if I don’t want the certificates?” I want to keep control of my money, but I don’t say that.

  “You won’t have to deposit your remittances in a bank unless you want to.” Which doesn’t answer my question. “And your secrets will be kept.” All this sounds like more than three guarantees, but I don’t mention that either. “You will come here every month and we will chat. You will also report to the Overseas Chinese Affairs Commission. If you don’t go, I will know. I will also visit the place where you live and question the comrades who reside there. Do not think you can hide your bourgeois ways from them or from me.”

  He thumps his pencil on the desk and gives me a hard stare. “It is one thing to come back to China, but you must follow our rules. I hope you have learned your lesson, and I hope you will behave accordingly.” He stands, crosses to a side table, and returns with some pamphlets, which he presses into my hands. “Take these and read them before our next meeting. They contain the fruits of thought reform. I will be asking you to review your past from a revolutionary standpoint. I will not accept an unconvincing confession. You must be honest. You must plunge yourself into the furnace of socialist construction and patriotic reeducation.”

  A few minutes later, I push through the front door. I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. I wasn’t expecting to be hauled off and questioned by the police, and it’s left me feeling terrorized and panicked.

  “Are you all right?” someone asks. I look up, and there’s Dun-ao. I’m very relieved to see him, and surprised too that he would go out on a limb for me. “I followed you here. I waited to make sure you would come out.”

  He’s voicing my exact fear—that I’d been arrested. If that happened, no one would ever know what became of me. Worse, I’d never find Joy.

  “Let’s go home,” he says. “We’ll have some tea. Maybe I can help you.”

  When we arrive home, I make tea for the two of us. I tell Dun-ao about Joy’s running away, my following her, Z.G.’s problems, my need to wait until they return, and all the rules the policeman told me I must follow. I do it because I’ve been intimidated and scared and I’m not thinking properly. Dun—as he says he prefers to be called—informs me that I’m actually quite lucky.

  “You’ll have to attend thought-reform sessions, as we all do,” he says, “but as long as you aren’t labeled a backward element, you’ll have many benefits. You’ll have your special certificates. You can get an exit permit promptly and without delays or questions.”

  “But what about my daughter?” I ask. “I won’t leave without her.”

  “It’s better that you’re both here,” he responds. “It’s a well-known fact that the regime treats Overseas Chinese families as hostages to extort remittances from abroad. That’s the whole purpose of the Overseas Chinese Affairs Commission. They exploit people here, so their relatives will send more money to use to build the country. For this reason, they’re reluctant to allow family members to leave China.”

  “But you just told me that Overseas Chinese can easily obtain exit permits.”

  “Ah, good point. Applications for exit permits which are considered prejudicial to the regime’s interests are not granted.”

  “Well, which one is it?”

  “Maybe both,” he says, unsure.

  “In any case,” I go on briskly, trying to sound confident, “those requests for remittances are blackmail. Still, if I were in Los Angeles and Joy were here, I would send every dollar I had, hoping to get her out. Now I have to think about how to get the two of us out. I can’t be perceived as being rich, but I can’t be perceived as being poor either. I need to stay in Shanghai so I can wait for Z.G. and my daughter to return from wherever it is they’ve gone. I need coupons to live, and I also need to appear invisible while doing those things.”

  But the police know about me, and in days the Overseas Chinese Affairs Commission will be familiar with me too. Quite apart from that, the last thing I want is to act like a widow by being invisible, a coward, or a victim. It’s against a Dragon’s nature to wait, but that’s all I can do. I need to be a wily, quiet, and cautious Dragon.

  “You’re going to need a job,” Dun recommends.

  “I told Superintendent Wu I wanted one. Maybe I could go to work with the dancing girls. They make pens modeled on the Parker 51.” I reel off the factory’s slogan, which the girls recite whenever they have a chance. “Catch up with Parker!”

  “I have a better idea. You should become a paper collector.”

  “I don’t know what that is.”

  “We have always had a reverence for lettered paper,” he explains, sounding professorial. “In the Song dynasty, Lettered Paper Society members collected paper with writing on it, burned it in special ceremonial fires, and then ritually stored the ashes. Every three years, members escorted the ashes to a river or to the ocean, where the ashes would be plunged to be reborn as new words and images. Do you remember the bamboo baskets that used to be on street corners here in Shanghai, where people could properly dispose of their lettered paper?”

  I have a vague memory of those baskets, but my sister and I didn’t have an iota of reverence for lettered paper, considering that we modeled for advertisements, which were clearly lettered paper of the most commercial sort.

  “What was once an honored profession,” Dun goes on, “is now little better than being a trash collector. Still, I think it will give you everything you need—anonymity, access to all corners of the city, obedience to the rules you’ve been told to follow, and a way to get coupons and keep busy until your daughter returns.”

  Joy

  OBSERVING AND LEARNING FROM REAL LIFE

  IT’S STILL DARK when the roosters begin to crow. I stay in bed for a few minutes, listening to the sounds of songbirds, the creaking of the floorboards in the room next to mine as my father rises, and the people outside the villa calling morning greetings. With the wood slats on the floors, the sliding doors, and the thin walls, no secrets can be kept. I hear every footstep, snore, hack, sigh, and whisper. I get up and dress quickly in loose pants and a cotton shirt with a faded floral print—both soft from use and many washings, all gifts from Kumei. I run a comb through my hair. I wish it were long enough to braid like the other girls do in the village. Instead, I put a kerchief over my head and tie it at the back of my neck. I take a quick look in a small mirror. Others here have told me how much I look like my father and that we share many mannerisms, like the way I sometimes pinch my chin when I’m in thought or the way I raise my eyebrows in question. That might be so, but that doesn’t mean we’re alike. Anyway, at least I look more like a peasant than I did a month ago when I first got here.

  I slide open the door and hurry through the corridors and courtyards to the kitchen. Kumei has already started the fire in the stove and water boils in the teapot. I pour some in a cup, take it outside to the trough, where I went the first night, and use the hot water to brush my teeth and wash my face.

  How stupid I was back then! Washing my face and brushing my teeth with trough water seemed fun and adventurous, but I’d gotten sick as a dog and had spent the first few days in Green Dragon with a bad case of diarrhea and vomiting. I’d received little sympathy from Z.G.

  “What did you expect?” he’d asked. “This is a village. These people probably only change the water every three or four days. And they probably use it to scrub their feet and a
rmpits too.”

  That made me sick all over again. My inhibitions about using the nightstool—and within earshot of Z.G.—were completely gone by the time I fully recovered. But I’d learned, just as I’m learning every day. I now know that the carvings with the squirrel-and-grape pattern in the sitting room for the four bedrooms in this part of the compound symbolize the expectation of prosperity for future generations. The wooden screens covering the windows are carved in a lion’s pattern to show a person’s wealth. The mirror hanging above the main gate wards off evil spirits, while the dried fish tacked to the wall in the front courtyard is there because yu, the word for fish, sounds like abundance. The dried pig legs that hang in the front courtyard? They’re for eating. The odor of gasoline I smelled that first night? That’s how people spot-clean their soiled clothes when they don’t want to wash an entire garment by hand. The tree with flowers that look like sweet peas in the middle of the square? It’s called a scholar’s tree. Its blossoms have now turned into fruits that grow in long yellowish pods like strings of pearls. And when I got my period, Kumei showed me what women in the village do: wrap sand in a piece of cloth and wedge it in my underpants. These are just a few things I’ve learned.

  I help Kumei carry the food and eating utensils to the villa’s dining room. Z.G. and Yong, the old woman who also lives in the villa, sit at the table with Ta-ming between them. Yong has bound feet, which are truly gruesome. They’re tiny, like miniature candy bars sticking out from beneath her pants. One morning when I came into the kitchen, she’d pulled up a pant leg to massage a thin white calf. There, behind her ankle, was this mound of scrunched flesh and bones—the parts of her foot that hadn’t been made dainty in her bound-foot shoe. Now I make a point of not looking at Yong’s feet. Because of this, I think she doesn’t like me. Or maybe she thinks I don’t like her. Whatever it is, we’ve barely spoken.

  Today’s breakfast is rice porridge, hard-boiled eggs, pickled turnip, and dumplings made with rice flour dyed green with a local water plant and stuffed with spicy vegetables and salted pork. It’s all delicious, but I don’t eat more than my share. I dip my spoon into my porridge and listen to Kumei and Yong. I’ve picked up the nuances of the local dialect and have gotten much better at speaking it.

  I’m happy that Z.G. and I were sent to live with Kumei. She’s become a good friend, even though we’re still strangers in many ways. How did she get her scars? Why does she live in the villa? Who was her husband? I’ve been dying to ask these questions, but I don’t want to appear nosy. I’ve made up a story in my mind though. Kumei probably married a soldier when he passed through this area. He must have died during Liberation. Since her husband was a hero, the villagers allowed her to live in the villa, where she cares for her son and Yong, another widow, because, in the New Society, the villa has been converted to a home for widows. Maybe none of this is true, but I like the story. And I like Kumei. Her name means Bitter Sister, but she doesn’t seem bitter to me. She’s illiterate, but she hasn’t let the burdens of the past hinder her. She goes to classes in the afternoon, along with many other peasants, to be educated.

  Kumei leaves her son with Yong, and the two of us set out for the fields. Z.G. stays behind in the villa. I came a long way to meet him and it’s already been a month, but he’s an enigma. He hasn’t asked much about May or even me, and I haven’t asked much about him, even though I’d like to know him better. I’m shy around him and unsure what to say. Maybe he’s shy too. Or maybe he’s unused to having a daughter. Maybe he can never feel about me the way my father Sam felt.

  It’s the end of September. The air is still warm, but not as oppressive as it was when I first got here. We walk past paddies, where the rice stalks have browned. Then we begin to climb the short hill across from the villa. I keep my head down, pretending to watch for ruts or rocks in the path, while glancing surreptitiously up the hill to Tao’s house. It looks like many of the other houses—small, built from blocks of some sort, and covered with mud—except that it’s the only one angled north. The windows are just openings, as in the villa. The tile roof is low and crooked. Some rocks form a little retaining wall, creating a small terrace just outside the front door. An outdoor wood-burning stove is built onto one of the exterior walls, which can’t make it easy for Tao’s mother to cook when it rains. A wooden ladder with broken rungs lies askew on the ground, but no one has bothered to right it since I arrived. In the villa, the dried fish and pig legs hang protected in the first courtyard; here they’re haphazardly tacked on an outside wall just high enough to keep them safe from dogs and rodents. Laundry drips on a line: Tao’s undershirts, his father’s baggy pants, his mother’s dark tunics, his eight little brothers’ and sisters’ clothes. To me, the house looks very country and very romantic. My mother would be appalled, calling it a pathetic shack.

  “Tao was born in the Year of the Dog,” Kumei volunteers, noticing the way I’m staring at the house. “Everyone knows the Dog and the Tiger make an ideal love match.”

  “I’m not looking for a love match—”

  “No, of course not. Not you. That’s why we have to walk up here every morning at the exact same time. You don’t want to see anyone in particular.”

  “I don’t.”

  But I do. If May could give me up so easily and if Z.G. doesn’t want to know me, then maybe Tao … Maybe I might still be worthy of love …

  “Everyone likes a Dog,” Kumei continues. “A Dog knows how to get along with others and how to lick their hands. He’s loyal, even if the master is his wife. He’s good at rescuing, as everyone knows. Do you need rescuing?”

  If she only knew.

  “What about you?” I ask. “You’re a Pig, aren’t you? Maybe you and Tao should marry.” I don’t mean a word I say, but perhaps my questions will get her going in another direction.

  “Yes,” she agrees, considering. “It could work. But I’m a widow and I have a child. No one will marry me now.”

  “But it’s the New China and there’s the new Marriage Law. Widows …”

  As we near Tao’s house, he steps out into the sunlight. It’s as if he’s been waiting in the shadows for us to come near. I’m not the only one to observe this.

  Kumei lowers her voice. “Forget about me and let’s think about kisses for you. A Tiger needs a practical and good Dog. Such a good match.” She sighs theatrically, which only emphasizes that she’s teasing me. “Or, since this is the New Society, you could try free love.” Then, “Good morning, Tao. Are you going to the fields? Would you like to walk with us? Comrade Joy has been very quiet this morning. She must still be living on city time. Maybe you can wake her up.”

  I blush. It happens every time I see Tao, but I notice color rising in his cheeks too.

  He ruffles his spiky hair and grins. “I might be able to help our city comrade.”

  Just then Tao’s mother joins her son on the hard-packed earth outside the door of the house. The sleeves of her patched shirt are rolled up to the elbow as if she’s about to wash more clothes or salt vegetables. She carries a child strapped to her back, and another three children cluster around her legs like little chicks. (Chairman Mao has encouraged the masses to have lots of offspring, so China will have many survivors to replenish the population at great speed in case America drops atomic bombs on the country. Also, as he has said, “With every stomach comes another pair of hands.” China needs those hands to build the New Society, and Tao’s parents have helped provide them.) Tao’s mother gives me a resentful look and says to her son, “Come home as soon as you’re done. I’ll have a simple meal prepared for you. Simple, because we’re simple in our tastes.”

  Somehow Tao’s mother has come to the conclusion that I’m not simple in my tastes. Maybe it’s because of the shift I wore my first night here. Or maybe she’s afraid I’m going to steal Tao and take him to Shanghai. We may be living in the New China, but Shanghai has the aura to these people of someplace mysterious, decadent, and sinful.

  Tao
jumps down from the terrace and strides ahead of us. I’ve found that men in the village always walk out front with the women behind. I don’t mind, because it allows me to watch Tao glide up the hill, the sinews in his arms and legs sliding gracefully over his bones.

  It’s a good thing Kumei isn’t in my head to hear my thoughts.

  We reach the crest of the hill. From here we can see five other villages—each comprising its own collective—nestled between or against rolling hills. Neat rows of tea bushes grow in terraces on the slopes. In the valley, rice paddies and fields of corn, millet, sorghum, sweet potatoes, and hay create a checkerboard of food and wealth. We swing down the path and join others in our work team who are also on their way to the fields.

  Some days we work on the tea terraces, picking leaves and tending Green Dragon’s most precious crop. Or we’ll gather sweet potatoes to dry, store, and feed to livestock. We’ve also labored in water, building irrigation ditches, wells, and ponds. We women are luckier than the men. The government has issued a proclamation that women can’t work in water up to their waists. No one, and this is kind of creepy if you think about it, wants any infections to enter a woman through her private parts. Today, though, we’ll just be working in a cornfield. Since all tools have been given to the collective, we check out hoes and other implements we’ll need from the work team leader.

  Now that we’re with other people, I’m careful how I interact with Tao. When he marches straight into our assigned field, I linger on the edge to put a straw hat over my kerchief to shield me from the sun before stepping out into the ripening rows of corn. Kumei is ahead of me. She chooses a furrow next to Tao, but I go another five furrows over and drive my hoe into the soil to dislodge a weed.