Where to Draw the Line_How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day

by Anne Katherine

  When you weigh the cost of going it alone versus seeking help with an effective program or therapist, remember to factor in the expense of time. How many years have been lost already? How many more are you willing to sacrifice?

  Think about how many months it would take you to build a house singlehandedly, compared to having the help of friends and using a good do-it-yourself book. The process would be speedier still if you worked alongside an experienced contractor.

  When it comes to psychological change, going it alone can take decades. Contrast that with the following options, each of which will bring positive changes the first year. With an effective program (one without professional supervision), joyous living can become a habit within five to ten years. A skilled professional can guide the way to transformation in three to seven years. Combine a good program with professional help and it’s possible to turn around in two or three years. (All this is assuming you pitch in, tell the truth, and make an effort.)

  HOW DO BOUNDARIES HELP?

  Boundaries give you safety without making you miss out on the good stuff. Compare the difference between boundaries and a defended state in the following example:

  Defended

  As Perry walked toward the building he was already mad. These mandatory get-acquainted parties were a waste of time. He never met anyone interesting at them.

  He walked in and headed for the punch table so he’d have something in his hand, then settled at an empty table in the corner. He watched with a surly eye while other people greeted each other. He saw only fakes, social climbers, and women looking to snare a man.

  An attractive young woman approached his table. “Mind if I join you?” she said.

  He shrugged. “Suit yourself.”

  She sat down. “What’s your focus here?”

  “Programming.”

  “Working with any interesting projects?”

  “Nope.”

  “I’ve been studying the Norami system. It’s incredible. Moves data like lightning. I’m having so much fun learning it, but it’s taking me a long time. It’s so complex.”

  “I found it easy.”

  She blinked. “What do you enjoy doing outside of this place?”

  “Not much.”

  “Sorry I bothered you.” She rose and walked swiftly away.

  In a defended state, we may sabotage even the most rudimentary interactions that would allow a relationship to begin by avoiding others, discouraging eye contact, answering questions curtly, revealing nothing, showing no interest in the other person, misinterpreting offers of friendship, and flatly contradicting conversational offerings in which the content is not so important as the effort to reach out.

  Boundaried

  As Barry walked toward the building he was nervous. These mandatory get-acquainted parties were great for extroverted people, but he knew he wasn’t one of them. He walked in and headed for the punch table so he’d have something in his hand, then settled at an empty table in the corner. He watched the other people greeting each other so easily. He wished he was good at it.

  An attractive young woman approached his table. “Mind if I join you?” she said.

  “No, save me from my terminal shyness.”

  She smiled and sat down. It was a very sweet smile. “Are you shy?”

  “I’m so shy, Barbara Walters would run out of questions in three-point-five minutes.”

  She giggled. It was a charming giggle. “What’s your focus here?”

  “Programming.”

  “Working with any interesting projects?”

  “You bet. I’m knee deep in Y Three K.”

  “Y Three K?”

  “I may be shy but I believe in planning ahead.”

  She laughed outright. He thought getting her to laugh would be a worthy vocation.

  She said, “I’ve been studying the Norami system. It’s incredible. Moves data like lightning. I’m having so much fun learning it, but it’s taking me a long time. It’s so complex.”

  “I love that system. It’s worth taking the time to learn it. If you run into snags, I’d be glad to help. What do you enjoy doing when you aren’t here?”

  She scooted closer. “I love gardening. How about you?”

  “I’ve always wanted to learn to garden.”

  • • •

  With boundaries we need not unilaterally shut out people or possibilities. Setting boundaries gives us the option of letting in the people who may become meaningful to us.

  Boundaries can be used in two ways—by limiting the actions of the people who have hurt you, and by including the people who’ve shown themselves to be trustworthy. In other words, boundaries prevent harm and allow benefit. Barry demonstrated the inclusive aspect of boundaries by being responsive to an appropriate opening comment from the young woman. Perry, on the other hand, shut out a potential relationship by his defended actions.

  Boundaries discriminate. In contrast, defenses have the unfortunate characteristic of closing out the good as well as the bad.

  With a boundary toolkit, you pay attention to actions that discount you and limit such interactions with dispatch. It’s your first date with Max and he dismisses your stance about dialectical determinism. This is a red flag. Disagreement is fine. Differing opinions add interest. But to brush off your opinion as inferior is not okay. His response is a warning for you to watch for a pattern of dismissal, disregard, or disrespect. If you notice such a pattern, you can back away from the relationship or see how he handles it when you set a boundary. For example, “Are you aware, Max, that you tend to dismiss my opinions? Please treat my ideas with respect.”

  Before you call your rejecting mother, you remind yourself to thicken your boundary. If she makes a rejecting comment, you either make a firm statement that sets a boundary or end the conversation immediately.

  By taking yourself out of situations in which you or your choices are being negated, you send your psyche the message that you are taking charge of self-protection and that it need not be on automatic red alert.

  You will also help yourself replace defendedness with boundaries by letting in good people. When a friend proves trustworthy, see that friend again. Risk a little more. Notice when you are treated kindly. Pay attention when someone offers you trust. As you become more discriminating about the people you let in, the spaces of your life will fill up with positive people, and you’ll have less room for the harmful ones.

  Years ago, we controlled weeds on our lawns with a poison so pervasive that it threatened the extinction of certain birds. Now we have weed control that is very specific in action. We used to wipe out all the bacteria in the body to fix an inflamed finger. Now we use antibiotics very carefully. We have learned that large-scale drastic measures cost more than they are worth.

  Being defended is similarly expensive. Take a look at what your defended states have cost you. What opportunities, experiences, people, and joys have you missed due to defendedness? Make a list.

  With boundaries, you can protect yourself in specific and mindful ways instead of walking around armed to the hilt. You can limit your exposure to uncaring people and nourish contacts with the people who have the potential to become dear.

  Chapter 4

  COMMUNICATION BOUNDARIES

  You have not won a person’s agreement when you’ve silenced him.

  MAKING A REQUEST

  Kelly is a close friend of Salvatore, Anita’s husband. When Anita and Sal separated, Kelly, though not the “other” woman, actively promoted Sal in getting a divorce. Sal and Anita mended their differences and reconciled, but Anita no longer trusted Kelly and was not interested in a friendship with her.

  August 12, 1998

  Anita, this is Kelly. When I visit people in your town, they ask me what I think of Anita’s new home. And I have to tell them I haven’t been invited to it. I know a lot of people in your village. I suppose I’ll just have to tell people that you are shutting me out for no reason.

  August 14,
1998

  Kelly, this is Anita. I’m in the middle of a big project with a pending deadline. I can’t begin to think about how to talk to you about this right now.

  January 15, 1999

  Anita, this is Kelly. It’s been six months. Maybe I got the wrong impression, but I thought you were going to call me when your project was over so that we could talk.

  January 20, 1999

  Dear Kelly,

  Last summer, you threatened to blacken my name in my new village if I didn’t invite you to my house. Apparently you find it inexplicable that I haven’t invited you. Let’s review your prior actions concerning me.

  1. A message from you on my voice mail telling me my husband wanted a divorce. (March 1997)

  2. A letter from you to Sal saying that if he tried to patch up our marriage, you could no longer be friends with him. (June 1997)

  3. Entering my apartment with him while I was on a retreat, to encourage him to leave me a note saying he wanted a divorce and no further contact with me. (August 1997)

  You’ve made clear through these actions what you think of me. Nothing in your behavior gives me a message that I would be safe with you.

  In our one conversation between those events and now, when I tried to express to you how hurt I felt by your actions, you said you weren’t yourself, that your husband made you do it.

  Frankly, that is not enough ownership for me to have any assurance that you wouldn’t be an instrument of pain for me in the future.

  Before I could sit down and talk with you, I’d need to hear you acknowledge what you did, and I’d need to be assured that I wouldn’t run into such sabotage from you again.

  I’d especially need to know that if I didn’t do what you wanted, you wouldn’t gossip about me in my new community or threaten what I value in any other way.

  Anita

  March 14, 1999

  Anita, this is Kelly. I don’t even know how to begin to respond to your letter. Let’s just get together and talk.

  March 17, 1999

  Dear Kelly,

  The needs I expressed in my last communication to you have not changed. I’d still need certain things from you before I’d feel safe enough to talk.

  If you need a review of these things, please look at my previous letter.

  If you are concerned about what will happen should we run into each other in my new town—since we have so many mutual friends—my plan is to be civil, polite, and appropriate. I have not indicated in any way, by words, tone, or inference, to any of our mutual friends that issues exist between us.

  I only wish you could say the same.

  What is the outcome you wish from our meeting? What are you hoping for?

  Anita

  April 5, 1999

  Anita, this is Kelly. I just got your letter this weekend. It was a mistake for me to be in a triangle between you and your husband. The rest is all fallout from that. So, never mind.

  As you read the above series of communications, what boundaries and boundary errors did you spot? Can you identify the problem with Kelly’s initial communication without knowing any of the preceding events?

  Here’s a replay. Give it a try:

  “Anita, this is Kelly. When I visit people in your town, they ask me what I think of Anita’s new home. And I have to tell them I haven’t been invited to it. I know a lot of people in your village. I suppose I’ll just have to tell people that you are shutting me out for no reason.”

  Kelly is threatening that she will malign Anita in her new community if Anita doesn’t do what Kelly wants. This is a boundary violation. To use a threat to achieve an end, of course, creates distance in a relationship.

  This is a remarkable first message, given the context. After a year of silence between the two women, this is Kelly’s first communication to Anita. The previous time she breathed Anita’s air, Kelly was accompanying Anita’s husband as he left her a note saying he definitely wanted a divorce.

  Can you pinpoint what is missing in Kelly’s message? This is a skill worth acquiring as you become more savvy about boundaries—noticing what isn’t said or what isn’t done. What isn’t said can be a boundary error. Figuring out what’s missing can help you spot a manipulation or explain why an interchange seems off kilter.

  What is missing in Kelly’s initial message? Of the following choices, what should she have included?

  1. A clear request.

  2. Acknowledgment of events that had gone before.

  3. Acknowledgment of the current state of their relationship.

  4. Some sort of compliment toward Anita.

  The first three options would have increased Kelly’s chances for a successful outcome. To turn this into a healthy communication, Kelly could have made a clear, direct request, and acknowledged the current situation between them and the substance of preceding events. Given their estrangement, a compliment would have seemed manipulative and out of place.

  Here’s an example of a healthy way to make a request:

  “Anita, this is Kelly. I realize I participated in several events that probably caused you a lot of pain. I know I did things that hurt you. I am friends with Sal, and now that you two are back together, I’d like to see if I can repair things with you. I’d really like to see your new house, and it’s awkward for me when mutual friends ask me what I think of it. Could you consider meeting with me to see where we can go with this? Call when you can, please. ’Bye.”

  HEALTHY COMMUNICATION BOUNDARIES, PART I

  • If you want something, make a clear, straightforward request.

  • If your request doesn’t fit the nature of your current relationship, acknowledge that. For example, if you have a history of unfinished issues with the person and you wish to establish better terms, acknowledge both the current situation and your wish for something different.

  • Remember that the other person has a right to refuse your request. If they refuse, you can negotiate in an effort to find some way to honor both their needs and yours.

  RESPONDING TO A REQUEST

  We are not required to do whatever someone wants of us. Always remember that you carry the ultimate responsibility for directing your life. When someone asks something of you, you are the authority on whether or not it will be good for you to say yes.

  Of course we all, in the name of a higher value, choose to do things that—though temporarily uncomfortable or full of effort—will in the long run bring us closer to our preferred life. I might not really want to sit at a booth at the county fair and talk about raising chickens, but for the sake of happy chickens and doing my part in the community, I’ll put in a half day.

  When someone requests something of you, consider if that’s the best use of your time and energy, and if saying yes can be life-giving to you in some way. If it’s not good for you to do exactly what the other person wants, see if a variation could make it work.

  As practice, you might, with the next few requests that come your way, come up with a counteroffer that opens negotiation. Instead of a quick yes or no, see if changing something about the request could make it fit you better.

  In the initial interchange between Anita and Kelly, for example, Kelly implied a request. Anita made a counteroffer, which was an opening of negotiation. Then Kelly let the whole thing run aground by not acknowledging the counteroffer.

  Kelly committed a series of communication errors that ended up costing her what she wanted. When you look at the series of messages from Kelly, she has a pattern of neglecting to acknowledge Anita’s communications.

  Look at the following interchange. Notice what is missing.

  January 20, 1999

  Dear Kelly,

  Before I could sit down and talk with you, I’d need to hear you acknowledge what you did and I’d need to be assured that I wouldn’t run into such sabotage from you again.

  March 14, 1999

  Anita, this is Kelly. Let’s just get together and talk.

  This is manipulation by denial.
Kelly’s actions are saying: I’ll ignore your counteroffer, pretend it never happened, and just go on with what I want.

  Ignoring boundaries is itself a response. We sometimes feel that if a person tromps over us after we’ve said no, then we must not have been clear. We can get caught in the trap of explaining again and again, meanwhile letting the other person take advantage of us.

  If you find yourself trying to educate the other person over and over, you are working too hard. Notice how Anita handled it. When Kelly ignored her first letter, Anita essentially said, “even though you ignored the points in my previous letter, they still stand. Read it again if you need a reminder.”

  We do not need to take responsibility for another person’s refusal to respond. If your reasonable request, counteroffer, or boundary is ignored, pay attention. You are being responded to. The other person is responding with disregard. At that point, you are justified in setting a firmer boundary or in protecting yourself further.

  When Anita set her boundary—I will talk with you only under these conditions—Kelly could have responded with further negotiation, but such a response would have required first that Kelly acknowledge the boundary that Anita set.

  For example, “Anita, I realize you need to hear me admit that I did things that hurt you, and I’m willing to do this, but I need to do it in person, not over the phone or in a letter.

  “I am sorry I threatened you with gossip. I get impulsive, and things just come out of my mouth that I don’t really mean, and then I regret them later.

  “I promise to keep our issues just between us. And I can already say I’m sorry. A year ago I felt loyal to Sal, and I was seeing only his hurt. I forgot that there are always two sides, and I did ignore what I was doing to you.

  “So, I’m asking you to meet with me even though I can’t give you all of what you want now.”