Where to Draw the Line_How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day

by Anne Katherine

  Now let me introduce you to a nearly inviolable law I’ve discovered, the Law of Heterotidiality. This law ordains that a very tidy person always marries one who tends to clutter. Survival of the species is thus promoted by keeping a couple’s home balanced between the extremes of drowning in debris and ringing with cries of, “Oh no, I threw that out and now I need it!”

  Li, who is energized by tidiness and loves order, can be perpetually irritated by Fan, who leaves tools where they were last used. Fan’s perspective is that being a good parent, doing a good job, or simply living a full life matters more than a few tumbling piles. Li needs for things to be tidy in order to have energy for the kids or for Fan, and thus is thwarted by clutter. Fan sees Li’s standard of neatness as arbitrary and feels confined by it.

  I’ve had a fair sprinkling of clients who were neglected as children, not by an absent or drinking mom, but by one who was driven to keep things tidy. These mothers were so devoted to keeping their households showroom perfect that they didn’t see their children’s lonely eyes. Taught by painful experience that the house was more important than they were, these kids couldn’t find their own place in either the house or their mother’s heart.

  Not surprisingly, these adult children of compulsive tidiers have difficulty keeping their own homes in order. Another consequence is that many of them live alone and feel doomed to be alone in the world. Some essential connections got missed while mom was polishing the furniture.

  So what are appropriate boundaries around tidiness?

  First, respect the needs of each member of the household regarding their own possessions and their own private space. If Shanna keeps her tools in perfect order, put them back when you borrow them. If Harold feels violated when you move things on his desk, leave his desk alone.

  Second, if at all possible, create an inviolable space for each member of the household—a room, a closet, an alcove that can be screened, a corner where each person can be cluttered or tidy to their heart’s content. Keep out of their spaces and leave their things alone. Close the door or pull a curtain if company is coming.

  Third, when you are a guest in someone’s home, model your tidiness parameters according to what you see your host doing. If they neaten the room at the end of the day, don’t leave your socks in the living room. If they carry plates to the sink, do the same.

  If you are tidier than your host, create the order you need in your own area, and stop there. Always ask permission before straightening or cleaning a host’s home. It is a gross boundary violation, no matter what your motive, to clean out someone else’s closet or organize their drawers—unless of course you have first gotten their express and enthusiastic permission.

  At work, negotiate tidiness boundaries that promote your own productivity. If your boss insists on a neat desk, but a barren work surface shuts you out of the creative part of your brain, tell your boss why you need to work differently. If you need neatness to have a clear head, explain why dumping out a drawer on your desk will set you back for a couple of hours. (Obviously, a monstrously untidy place of business will also turn away clients. On the other hand, stalking a client with a dust mop sends a forbidding message.)

  An appropriate tidiness boundary is one that protects the integrity of the environment and the integrity of the people who use it. Tidiness boundaries also exclude any extreme that violates the space of others, interferes with anyone’s quality of life, threatens anyone’s health, or gets in the way of intimacy.

  My sister serves as a good model here. Her house is always comfortable. It’s easy to find room to play a game, have a conversation, or share a meal. There are places to sit and room to move, and the house is clean enough to feel healthy. Yet when someone visits, she sits down and attends to them. She doesn’t track them with a vacuum cleaner or wait till she’s completed twenty chores before she talks to them. Her whole home is designed and maintained according to two priorities: living comfortably and having space to connect.

  Chapter 21

  DRESS AND APPEARANCE BOUNDARIES

  It is an interesting question how far men would retain their relative rank if they were divested of their clothes.

  —THOREAU

  Our appearance and attire are the first signals we send to people. By our attire we reveal who we are, what we care about, and in some cases what we are busy doing at the moment.

  Costume has always been a way to announce tribal connection. This is as true now for operagoers in Manhattan and rad teenagers at the mall as it was thousands of years ago when humans drew patterns on their animal-skin garments.

  Clothing and appearance can proclaim a boundary or the lack of one. Clothing can be a neon sign that states your position in the world and how you expect to be treated. We can also use clothing as a defense, deliberately dressing in a way that shuts certain people out or scares them off.

  On the other hand, clothing can invite some people too close. An outfit that is too skimpy or suggestive may broadcast that a boundary is missing, and could send an engraved invitation to someone with sexual exploitation on their agenda.

  What are good boundaries of dress? Where are the appropriate limits that balance the needs of the culture with individual expression? How much of a fight should there be between parents and adolescent children about clothing?

  ADOLESCENT FASHION, AN OXYMORON?

  Each new adolescent generation is remarkably creative in finding styles that will cause elders to gnash their teeth. Adults feel instinctively that their own culture is being rejected, and the friction thus created gives emancipating adolescents a separate part of the pond in which to finish developing and become individual.

  These days the dangers in that separate place seem greater than they used to be. This gives the overseers of teenagers a more complicated responsibility. We have to let kids find their own way, but we don’t want them to die, or destroy their brains or bodies, as they make the transition.

  Yelling at children, making derogatory comments, does not win them to your point of view. A teenage girl will probably rebel against a father who calls her a slut, and dress even more provocatively. A son won’t want to comply with a mother who says he looks stupid with jeans hanging around his knees. The anger that lies beneath such comments will only promote further estrangement and contempt.

  Remember that teenagers are sensitive and vulnerable and want to be accepted by the teenage clan. Find ways to compromise. When you want your child to mix with members of your own culture, ask for (and, sometimes, even insist on) compliance with your idea of appropriate dress. But when they’re with their peers, let them dress more or less as they please.

  I remember a dear thing my grandmother did when I was a teenager. I went to a party at our church, peeked through the door, and saw that all the girls were wearing flats. I was wearing high heels. I backed away, went to the phone, called home, and asked my grandmother to bring me flat-heeled shoes.

  Some other parent might have reacted with a disparaging comment. “For heaven’s sake, it’s not that important. Grow up. It’s not a big deal for you to be wearing different shoes.” But I was fortunate. My grandmother understood that I ached to be accepted and that I would rather miss the party than stand out as different. She brought the shoes immediately, even though we lived a few miles away, and I waited in the foyer until she drove up. With the right shoes I could enter the party and enjoy it without being self-conscious.

  ADULT FASHION

  The fastest way to enter into a culture is to adopt its fashion. If you wear clothing that is shockingly different from the group you wish to join, you will be making a statement of individuality, but you will not be taken all the way in until you are known. We set up extra miles of proving ourselves when we dress quite differently from the others in our milieu.

  I’ve never seen a surgeon or a judge with obvious multiple body piercings. A bikini would get a lot of attention at a church Christmas concert in Montana. A three-piece suit in Hawaii looks confining a
nd uncomfortable.

  If you dress quite differently from the norm in your workplace, area, or community, you are making a statement. Is this a statement you want to make? Do you want to separate yourself in that setting? (Maybe you do. That’s fine, so long as you accept the consequences of that decision.)

  In a business environment, clothing that is too casual or sexual can prevent promotion. At a job interview, an appearance that sets you apart can make interviewers wary. Unusual dress in a retail setting might draw one group of customers and warn off another. Be careful not to push away the ones who would buy your product.

  Clothing and presentation can be vehicles that carry you in or keep you out. Take time now and then to think about the messages you are sending in the various settings in which you live and work. Are those messages congruent with the results you want to have?

  ACCEPTING DIFFERENCES

  Twenty years ago, when I was visiting my grandmother in a nursing home, all the women wore what we called house dresses. My grandmother never wore a pair of trousers or jeans her entire life. I remember trying to picture those elders in jeans and thinking it hilarious. Now everyone I know, regardless of age, wears jeans. It’s more common to see denims on a grandmother than on a toddler.

  As each generation ages, it brings a new wave of fashion into the next higher age bracket. The generation that wore jeans in the sixties carried jeans into workplaces and retirement communities. The generation that wore T-shirts as teenagers carried that style into adulthood. Today, T-shirts can be accessorized and are often made from fine fabrics.

  Before you judge another’s attire, consider cultural and regional differences. For my first Thanksgiving in the Northwest, I dressed for dinner as we did in the South. Mine was the only long skirt among the jeans. I last wore a pair of heels six years ago, at a friend’s wedding. I had to go out and buy them, because I no longer owned high-heeled shoes.

  It’s been said that Northwest fashion is an oxymoron, like fresh frozen jumbo shrimp. The uniform of the Northwest is casual, but it suits me (and apparently many others who place comfort and flexibility over style).

  Each region has its own parameters of what constitutes propriety. In the South and Midwest, certain social groups have strict customs about dress. Shoes and purse must match. No white shoes between Labor Day and Memorial Day. In parts of Appalachia, a mark of respect is donning a clean apron when a guest arrives.

  When you are welcoming a visitor from another region, remember that a style that looks eccentric to you may be reflecting the norm of that person’s home territory. You may appear just as surprising to them.

  People react instinctively (and often negatively) to dress that is eccentric to their place, culture, or generation. We are wise to take that into account when we seek to belong. On the other hand, when we already do belong, and we’re in the position of receiving a newcomer, we can afford to regard eccentricity with more latitude. We can accept the differences we notice, trading judgment and criticism for the fresh interest that can be revealed by another’s individuality.

  FROZEN BY FASHION

  The appearance issue becomes a problem when it interferes with living. Changing outfits six times because we want to make a good impression on a first date is understandable, but missing the party because we feel unattractive is a more serious situation.

  Any time we deprive ourselves of enjoying an experience, taking a trip, or risking a new venture because we judge ourselves unattractive or physically unacceptable in some way, we are being controlled too much by image. If we have a narrow view of our appearance and are self-conscious about not being Hollywood perfect, we may shy from a contact or smother our natural expressiveness and give an incorrect message that derails a potentially valuable relationship.

  It’s not your appearance, but the attitudes you have about it, that affect someone’s response to you. Clara Oaks felt shy about her weight. She carried extra pounds around a beautiful warm heart and a thoughtful approach to life. She was a wonderful friend. When she met someone new, male or female, she was certain they were seeing only her body size. She held herself back. She revealed very little of herself and carried an air of stiffness. She telegraphed the message, “Stay away.”

  Most people didn’t try to get closer. She believed that was because of her size, but it was her attitude about her size that pushed them away.

  If you hold back because you’re having a bad hair day or because your outfit is ten years old or because your shoes are scuffed, the other person will sense the energy, but is likely to misinterpret the reason. You’ll get the distance you expected, but not because of your appearance. They’ll take the message as being about them or as a sign of your coolness toward them, and that message is what will make them back off.

  The truth is, most other people don’t dwell on how we look. When we see someone for the first time, their appearance registers—primarily so we can identify them—and then we soon see further inside that person. If someone judges and dismisses you because of what’s on the outside, you’ve lost nothing. Such a superficial person isn’t worthy of you.

  Live your full life. Don’t miss a party because of a pimple. Don’t keep yourself from a gala because you can’t afford a new outfit. The important thing about life is experiencing all the rich variety of goodness that is offered.

  Chapter 22

  BOUNDARIES FOR ILLNESS AND CHRONIC CONDITIONS

  ILLNESS

  Nora came down with a bad case of pneumonia that lasted for weeks. Already situated in an assisted living retirement home, she got good care. But she was bedridden, and while she was sick she was transferred into the hospital wing.

  A friend, also living in the same home but mobile and in a self-contained apartment, called her one morning and said she’d come down that evening so they could watch 60 Minutes together.

  Nora looked forward to the visit. When she felt a little stronger that day, she moved the chair so it would be better placed for her friend’s viewing. She prepared herself for her friend’s arrival, propping herself up in bed, getting the correct TV station, and mustering her energy for the occasion.

  60 Minutes started, and Nora realized she’d seen it, but for her friend’s sake, she kept that station on, rather than switching to another program she would have preferred.

  She waited through the entire program.

  An hour and a half late, her friend showed up. “What would you like to do?” she said.

  Nora didn’t know how to respond. She had geared her energy for the previous hour and now she was tired again. The visit had already taken more from her than it had given.

  Healing takes a lot of energy. When a person is battling a disease or recovering from surgery, they have limited resources for handling social situations. When they are expecting you to visit within a certain time period, they garner their energy for that time. If you miss that period, they will have two strikes against them. Their energy will be on the wane, plus they’ll be angry or disappointed that you didn’t follow through, and that eats up still more energy. Furthermore, they are in a vulnerable situation, so they’ll feel reluctant to express their anger and disappointment. That only gives them one more thing to handle.

  We may sometimes think that since someone who is ill is just lying there all day, it doesn’t matter when we show up. But to a person who is bedridden and dependent, time is very important. It passes too slowly, especially if they are waiting for the joy and interest your visit will bring. Each minute you are late, they are watching the clock and losing a minute of energy. If you are very late—or, worse, miss the time period entirely—they may not be able to recover the energy they spent in feeling unimportant or abandoned while they waited.

  When a person is dependent, little things matter a lot. So follow through if you make a promise, because any promise you make will be taken seriously.

  If you are an hour late and the person says, “I’m just glad you came,” they are being gracious. Don’t take it at
face value. Ask, “Is it hard on you if I’m late? Would you feel better if I gave you a general window of time when I might visit rather than a specific time?”

  CHRONIC PHYSICAL ILLNESS

  Janet had several autoimmune diseases that dictated the parameters of her life. Her energy would ebb and flow like a tidal river, except that she had no chart to tell her when a surge would start or when she’d be felled by bottomless fatigue.

  Despite this, she managed to work part-time, attend church, keep an apartment, and carry out the responsibilities of daily living. However, she did this only through meticulous management of her internal resources.

  Her activities were carefully sprinkled throughout the week. If she wanted to go to the church picnic, she’d have to skip the service itself. She couldn’t just run out to the store; she’d combine trips so that walking to the car and walking to the store served more than one purpose. Her entire life was organized around the wise budgeting of her energy.

  Now and then she would grieve for the activities she’d have to sacrifice in order to do the ones she wanted or needed most. At times her life seemed harder because she had no partner to ease the burden or share the chores and decisions.

  Now and then new friends would enter the picture. At first, they would be a great boon. They’d be full of willingness to help and energetically tromp up and down the stairs to her apartment. By transporting her and assisting her, she’d be able to do more. She loved the expanded possibilities when people helped her.