The Substitute

by Sean Ashcroft

  “I remember,” Callie said. “This is about Zach, huh?”

  Flynn suddenly found his hot chocolate fascinating, staring down into the mug like it held the answers to all the mysteries of the universe.

  “Yeah,” he said, holding the mug tighter. “It’s about Zach.”

  Callie made a sympathetic noise, and damn, was he really that obvious?

  “I kissed him,” Flynn blurted out.

  He wished, a moment later, that he’d said we kissed. Not that he wasn’t willing to take responsibility for his actions, but…

  Maybe he wasn’t ready to, and maybe it was hard to think about what that meant.

  Callie would understand, he told himself. Callie would get it.

  “Okay,” she said, sipping her own hot chocolate. “Gonna need a little more context before I start dispensing advice.”

  “I took him to the networking thing,” Flynn said. “And he rescued me from someone else, and then I was walking him to the bus stop and he seemed cold, so I gave him my jacket, and then he was laughing at… I don’t even remember what, but I just… wanted to kiss him, so I did, and then the bus came and he got on it and left.”

  The tips of his ears burned as he remembered kissing Zach, which he’d been trying not to think too much about. There were too many feelings attached to it, all tangled up together, and Flynn hadn’t even started to sort through them.

  “Okay,” Callie repeated. “So you definitely kissed him? He didn’t kiss you?”

  Flynn wet his lips. Of course she’d picked up on that.

  “Yeah,” he admitted, voice rough. He paused to sip his hot chocolate, letting the warm, rich liquid roll around in his mouth before swallowing, taking his time while he thought about what he wanted to say next.

  “I kissed him,” he confirmed, knowing it was time to own that. He’d kissed Zach. He’d done it because he wanted to do it.

  Worst of all, he’d liked it.

  Which all added up to being really confused right now.

  “Right. And when he left…?”

  “He pushed me away,” Flynn said, and that part still stung, and he didn’t even know why. The only thing he was sure of was that the whole thing made his stomach hurt.

  The worst part of it was definitely that he hadn’t heard from Zach yet, and it was already Monday. He’d had a whole day to get in touch.

  Of course, on the other hand, Flynn hadn’t tried to contact him, either, so it wasn’t impossible that Zach was sitting around in his own kitchen thinking the same thing.

  Flynn didn’t like the thought of that. He hated the thought of Zach alone, and hurt, and as confused as he was.

  Zach mattered to him. That was kind of the center of the whole problem.

  “Did he seem upset?” Callie asked.

  “Not exactly,” Flynn said, because he hadn’t, not really. He’d seem surprised, mostly, and maybe like he wasn’t ready to process the whole thing. Flynn wasn’t ready to process it, either.

  He just remembered how nice it’d been when Zach was leaning against him, and how needed he’d felt, and how much he liked that feeling. How much he wanted to be important to someone.

  How much he wanted to be important to Zach, specifically, even though they’d only known each other a few weeks now.

  “You’re not surprised that I kissed him,” Flynn said the moment he realized it himself, looking up at Callie. “Are you?”

  Callie shrugged. “You’ve always been a little bi,” she said.

  Flynn blinked at her.

  What?

  “What?” he asked aloud, since thinking it probably wasn’t going to get him any answers. He’d exhausted his own self-knowledge, and he needed someone else to nudge him if he was going to dive any deeper into self-discovery.

  “You’ve had a crush on that barista for months,” Callie said.

  Flynn blinked. “No, he’s got a crush on me and I just… don’t mind.”

  “You… know you’ve told me about him, right? About how he’s cute, about how he always remembers your order, about how you once talked to him for an hour about Brutalist architecture instead of getting any work done?”

  “I was just…”

  “And I’ve never been to that café, so it’s not like you were just filling me in,” Callie interrupted. “You talked about him like a little boy with a crush.”

  Flynn paused, turning that over in his head. Had he? When Callie put it like that, it definitely sounded that way, but…

  “And there was the time Jamie Williams wanted to date me in high school, and you said you’d date him if I wouldn’t and then talked about his assorted virtues long enough that I had to come out to you to shut you up.”

  “He was my friend,” Flynn defended. “I just wanted him to be happy. And I was kidding.”

  “You were kidding about how I really needed to see him without a shirt on before I made a final call?” Callie asked, raising an eyebrow.

  “Yes?” Flynn responded, suddenly unsure.

  “I have half a dozen more examples,” Callie said, not unkindly. “I’ve been expecting to have this conversation for a while. I thought we’d have it before you turned thirty, but…”

  A lump formed in Flynn’s throat. Maybe… maybe Callie was right?

  “Okay, well, if you’re so smart, how come it took me this long?” he asked, fairly sure even as the words escaped him that she’d have an answer for that, too.

  “Because you could be straight, or at least you could tell yourself that and not have to worry about the extra stress of being bi. Because you watched your brother get bullied for being different. Because you knew me for three years before I told you and you knew why it took me so long, even though you were my best friend.”

  Flynn sipped his hot chocolate. This was a lot to take in.

  Some part of him knew that it was true, though. Deep down, he could feel all this making sense, like he finally had an explanation for a whole lot of things that hadn’t really sat right before.

  He’d wanted to kiss Zach because he was attracted to him. Because Zach was sweet, and funny, and pretty, and the first two were maybe things a straight man would think, but the last one… seemed a little far.

  Crap.

  He hadn’t expected to go on a journey of self-discovery today. He’d expected Callie to tell him it was okay, everyone occasionally kissed people they weren’t attracted to in the heat of the moment, he could keep…

  Telling himself he was straight.

  Because that was what he’d been doing, right? Telling himself he was straight. Telling himself.

  Not because it was true, but because he desperately wanted it to be so he’d never have to think about it. Girls worked just fine for him.

  But then there was Zach, who needed him but never took anything from him without resisting first, who didn’t seem capable of using anyone, who laughed at his jokes and had jumped to help him out when he needed it.

  Who made Flynn’s heart flutter when he smiled.

  That was probably not a thing that happened to straight men.

  Flynn sighed, taking a sip of his hot chocolate and letting all this wash over him.

  Bisexual.

  It was a clunky word compared to the relative simplicity of straight, or gay, but maybe that worked. It was more complex, too. He’d get comfortable with it.

  He’d have to. Now that he knew, now that he’d had this conversation with Callie, it was out there. It was who he was.

  “So, what now?” he asked, licking hot chocolate from his lips.

  Callie shrugged. “Depends on you,” she said. “I’m never gonna tell anyone about this unless you want me to.”

  Flynn nodded. That was what he expected, though it was good to have confirmation. He didn’t need to worry about anything else right now.

  “I kinda meant about Zach. What do I do? Because right now he thinks a straight guy suddenly came onto him.”

  “Have you talked to him?” Callie asked.
>
  The chair creaked as Flynn shifted his weight in it. “Not… exactly.”

  “By which you mean not at all,” Callie said, sighing. “Communication is the foundation of a good relationship. With anyone. Even if it’s not going anywhere other than friendship with Zach.”

  “What if…” Flynn paused to wet his lips. “What if I want it to go somewhere else?”

  “Are you asking me how to seduce a man?” Callie asked, raising an eyebrow. “Because you’re kinda asking the wrong person, here.”

  Flynn snorted. “Yeah, well. No one knows less about it than me.”

  Callie shrugged. “I dunno, I saw the way he looked at you even while he was in tears over Aiden. I think you’re definitely in with a shot, if you wanna take it.”

  “I think I do?” Flynn looked down at his hot chocolate. Hell, he couldn't even make a decision about this.

  He didn't know what he wanted, but he definitely didn't want Zach to disappear from his life over it.

  “It's okay not to be sure,” Callie said, as if she could read his mind.

  Not that he wasn't being pretty obvious about not knowing what the hell he was doing, here.

  “If he can't accept that, then you really don't want to date him. Trust me,” Callie continued. “But I think he will. He didn't strike me as an asshole. I think he'll understand that you need time, that this is all new for you.”

  That, Flynn believed. Zach didn't seem like the kind of person who’d push him for anything he wasn't ready for. He hadn't pushed for anything at all at this point.

  There was every chance he wouldn't even be interested. He was the one who walked away.

  Which meant that Flynn really would have to talk to him, even if it was to apologize. He owed Zach that much.

  “You want my advice?” Callie asked.

  “Always,” Flynn said. Callie’s advice was one of the few things he always felt he could rely on.

  “Okay, so, I think you should go for it. Zach’s cute, he’s already married to you, and he seems like a great place to start if you’re gonna experiment with guys. He’s nice and safe and unlikely to turn out to be a nutjob later.”

  Flynn peered down into the dregs of his hot chocolate, considering that. “Aiden saw him first, though,” he said, and even as the words were forming in his mouth he couldn’t help wondering what the hell was wrong with him that he was trying to sabotage himself.

  Aiden wasn’t even here and he was still managing to make Flynn miserable.

  “He had his chance,” Callie said. “He had his chance, and he screwed it up, and you don’t need to let him take anything else away from you. Zach’s a grownup, he can make his own decisions. You should talk to him, at least, instead of telling yourself he’s going to reject you.”

  Why did Callie have to be so goddamn sensible?

  Flynn smiled wryly. This was why he loved her, and why she made so much difference to his life. He couldn’t really be mad about that.

  Besides, she was right. She was cutting through all the bullshit excuses she knew he’d make and tossing them aside.

  Really, Flynn was just scared of being rejected. Of maybe losing a friend who he’d come to enjoy the company of.

  But he’d already gone and made a first move, so he couldn’t just leave things as they were.

  “So what you're saying is, I need to put on my big boy pants and talk to Zach,” Flynn said.

  He knew that was what he had to do, of course. He’d known that before Callie came over.

  She was here to give him the kick in the ass he needed to do it.

  “I wouldn’t have used exactly those words,” she said. “But yeah, that’s about the size of it.”

  Flynn sighed. “All right. I’ll text him. But I need you to sit there and hold my hand while I do it,” he said.

  Callie reached across the table and took Flynn’s hand. He hadn’t meant it literally, but now that he had her hand he wasn’t about to let go of it.

  “Thanks,” he said, pulling his phone out of his pocket. “Wish me luck?”

  “God, you really want everything, huh?” she joked. “Good luck. You deserve nice things.”

  Flynn smiled wryly and pulled up a new message to Zach. He could do this.

  Chapter Fourteen

  “You remembered how I take my coffee,” Zach enthused as Flynn sat down opposite him in the same cheerful little café they’d met up in weeks ago.

  He’d been worried about seeing Flynn again when he’d been invited here, but as soon as Flynn walked in the door carrying the reusable cup Zach had given him last time, he’d started to feel like things were going to be okay.

  And then Flynn had smiled and waved at him before heading straight for the counter and ordering, still smiling at the barista but playing with the wedding ring he was still wearing.

  Zach had caught the moment of disappointment on the barista’s face. It wasn’t that he wanted the guy to be miserable, but it was nice to see Flynn was… laying claim to him.

  Yeah, that was exactly how Zach wanted to think about it. Maybe he was reading too much into the gesture, maybe he was stupidly getting his hopes up, but Flynn was still smiling shyly at him. Plus, he was dressed up in a crisply-ironed shirt in a deep charcoal color that made his eyes look even more blue than usual, and he was freshly shaved.

  Everything about him screamed that he was trying to look good, and… well, there was no one else here to look good for, was there?

  “Of course,” Flynn said. “Hard to forget that you like to ruin perfectly good coffee with three sugars.”

  Nothing about the way he said it was cruel. He was joking.

  Zach was so relieved that Flynn still felt like they could joke. He’d been afraid things would be weird between them now.

  “Says the man who told me last week that there was nothing that couldn’t be improved by adding more bacon.”

  “That’s because that’s a fact,” Flynn said, holding his cup in both hands in front of him, thumbs stroking up and down the sides.

  Zach stared at them, transfixed by the action, definitely not imagining Flynn’s hands anywhere else. No matter how much he wanted to.

  They had a serious conversation to get through, first.

  Zach wrinkled his nose. “Chocolate, maybe. But not bacon.”

  “Have you ever had chocolate-covered bacon?” Flynn asked. “Because I can agree that chocolate improves it.”

  A shudder ran down Zach’s spine at the thought. “Gross,” he said. “Disgusting.”

  Flynn chuckled. “I’m gonna get you some so you’ll know how wrong you are. And if you hate it, more for me.”

  As much as Zach had absolutely no interest in discovering for himself what chocolate-covered bacon tasted like, he was glad Flynn was talking about the future as though they were still going to be hanging out regularly.

  That was the thing Zach wanted most. Flynn was a good friend to have, and fun to be around, and he didn’t want to lose him.

  “I take it back, you’re the worst husband,” he said, though he wasn’t serious. He was definitely the best husband Zach had ever had.

  Of course, Zach had only been married the once, but he had almost married Aiden. Even with his worries over how his relationship with Flynn was about to change, this was definitely better than the alternative.

  “Yeah, about that,” Flynn began, looking down at his coffee cup. “I really need to apologize to you.”

  Zach’s stomach sank.

  He’d been so sure that Flynn was going to admit to… curiosity, at least, but he was apologizing. Presumably because kissing Zach wasn’t something he wanted to do again.

  “You don’t,” Zach headed him off. “Worse things have happened to me.”

  “That doesn’t mean that what I did wasn’t wrong,” Flynn said. “I should never have just… kissed you out of nowhere like that. No matter how much I wanted to.”

  The plastic chair he was sitting in creaked as Zach shifted his weight, w
hich drew more attention to the movement than he would have liked. Flynn looked up, meeting his eyes, and he knew that his feelings on the subject were written all over his face.

  “Wanted to?” he asked meekly, his cheeks already flushed at the thought.

  Flynn wanted to kiss him? He’d hoped to hear that, but he hadn’t realized how damned good it would feel until Flynn had actually said the words.

  “Yeah,” Flynn said, his voice breaking just a touch. He took a sip of his coffee, swallowed, and then cleared his throat. “Yeah,” he repeated. “I wanted to. Which doesn’t have to mean anything if you don’t want it to. I just figure there’s no point in lying about it.”

  “I…” Zach paused, unsure where to even begin. “Is it okay if I’m fine with you wanting to kiss me?”

  A tiny, shy smile spread over Flynn’s face, his features lighting up with it even as his eyes stayed cautious. “That… sounds like it’d be okay.”

  Zach smiled an equally shy smile back. “Good. Because I’m fine with you wanting to kiss me. Uh. Again in the future, even, if that’s…”

  “Yeah,” Flynn said again. “That’s something I’d like, I think. I… this is new for me.”

  “I know,” Zach responded, fingers itching to reach out and touch Flynn. He debated it for a moment, and then cautiously extended his hand across the table, stretching his index finger and just barely brushing against the wedding ring Flynn was wearing.

  Flynn didn’t make any attempt to move. If anything, he sat even more still than he had been, as though he was afraid of scaring Zach off.

  “I have no idea what I’m doing,” Flynn added. “I’m gonna need you to be patient with me.”

  “I like to think patience is one of my greatest qualities,” Zach said. That wasn’t strictly true, but for Flynn, he’d make sure it was. Whatever pace he set, Zach would follow.

  This was too good a chance, too wonderful a thing to screw up for the sake of moving quickly. It wasn’t often that a man like Flynn came along, and it had taken one hell of a series of events to get them to this point.

  Zach wasn’t about to ruin it with impatience.