Burn, Baby, Burn

by R. J. Blain

  Perkins looked up from his work. “Please do.”

  “And your husband seems to like this idea.”

  “Partner her with him. They get along.”

  I considered that. “Hey, Perkins? You game to test out a trio with Janet and Nilman? If you two have to put up with me and Bailey, a third might not be a bad idea. We haven’t tried a trio yet, and when I’m called out, we typically need numbers anyway.”

  “I’m game. Bailey will love it, too. She likes Janet. Janet likes her, too.”

  I arched a brow. “How do you know that?”

  “She said so at the Wall Street incident. Janet filled me in. It didn’t occur to me to mention it because Janet works at a different precinct.”

  “I’m going to request for her, especially if she gets on with Bailey out of the gate.”

  “I can get in touch with Dowry for you if you want to start the ball rolling on that,” he offered.

  “Do it.” I decided to stay still and let the kids and puppy play while I talked to Tiffany. “Sorry about that, Tiffany. When the mad scientist gives me a good idea, I’d be a fool not to pursue it.”

  “I knew there was a reason I tolerated you. So, Bailey will be fine, but she’s probably going to be sick for a few days. If she gets sick enough I want you hovering, I will notify you of this, so if you can control your overprotective maleness, please do so.”

  “My overprotective maleness?”

  Perkins burst into laughter, bowing his head and shoving his chair from the computer desk. The chair slid on the mat and dumped him on the floor, where he continued to laugh.

  “And your husband is literally on the floor laughing.”

  “Was he near any electronics at the time?”

  “Actually, yes.”

  “He sometimes spits coffee on the computers when laughing. He didn’t want to damage it.”

  “Well, his phone was on the desk. Or a tablet. Actually, I don’t know what he was using, but we didn’t bring our laptops.”

  “Same difference. Screens and liquids. He has problems with them. How is he handling his separation anxiety from my most glorious majesty?”

  I snickered. “I think he’s handling it just fine.”

  “I’m so sad right now.”

  “I’m sure you are. So, how did your brassault booking go?”

  “Five days of community service in a women’s shelter. I’m happy with this. They made me do some heavy negotiating, too. Your wicked wife told them to keep me amused while she went to the vet, so they were trying to hit me with everything they had, and just because they thought it was funny, they actually called a judge to confirm the hours.”

  “Nice. You won’t have to go back to Atlantic City for a hearing?”

  “That factored into their decision to call the judge. They didn’t want to give me an excuse to earn more misdemeanors in their jurisdiction. One of the cops asked Bailey to come to Atlantic City if she decided to snap. She’s got a lot of fans for a woman who is convinced she’s uglier than sin.”

  I snorted at that. “She’s not ugly.”

  “She’s quietly gorgeous and doesn’t know it, and her scars are adorable. She oozes cute, but she’ll never be a super model.”

  “If I wanted a super model, that would be a problem. But yes, I agree. She’s perfection.”

  “I feel like this whole conversation is wasted because we’re holding it where she can’t hear. I’m in the other room, and I’m fairly sure she has tinnitus.”

  “Tinnitus?”

  “Ringing in the ears, common when there’s an ear or sinus infection, of which she likely has both. She’s talking louder than normal, and I have to raise my voice if I want her to hear me. And since she’s focused on her sore throat, sneezing, and coughing, she isn’t paying attention to her ears. She hasn’t realized it yet, and I’m keeping it that way. Once again, don’t worry. I’m keeping an eye on her.”

  “I’m going to worry. This is a fact.”

  “Right. Because you’re Police Chief Worrywart. I can work with you worrying, but I can’t work with you knocking on the hotel room in the middle of the night because you’re having a freak out. We clear?”

  “Perkins, your wife is bossy.”

  “She’s always like that. Just give her what she wants. Otherwise, she’ll take hostages,” Perkins replied between fits of laughter.

  “Your husband says I should just let you have what you want.”

  “Tell him I’m counting that as one of his Christmas presents to me this year. But, being serious. I’m going to keep a close eye on Bailey, but I don’t want you rampaging and ruining our road trip. Do you need an instruction guide to where we’re going?”

  “The Venetian in Las Vegas.”

  Tiffany fell silent. “The Venetian?”

  I found it amusing she lowered her voice to a whisper.

  “If you don’t already have a room booked at the Venetian, I will be booking one for you.”

  “We have two rooms booked at the Venetian,” she confessed. “The goal is to force our wayward husbands to catch us, and as there are some things we refuse to share, we have a room each.”

  “I’m going to have to upgrade one of the rooms to a multi-bedroom suite. Two dogs, a cat, two adults, and two whelps is a lot to fit into a regular room.”

  “Hold on. I’ll give you the reservation number for Bailey’s room.” Tiffany was quiet for a few minutes before reading off a number. “I’ll text it to you as soon as we’re off the phone, too.”

  “Good. You planned this pretty well, didn’t you?”

  “The ideas were all Bailey’s, I just helped refine them. Well, the list of contingency plans were all me. If I let Bailey plan the whole thing, we would’ve just gotten on a plane like sane people. The road trip idea was initially wishful thinking, but then I reminded Bailey you love chasing her. We got carried away.”

  “I’m okay with you getting carried away, just keep her safe. I won’t even ask you keep her healthy, although I do ask you try to get her a little healthier or take her to the hospital if her condition worsens.”

  “Did Arthur give you drugs? You have to be on something like alprazolam for you to be saying shit like that. This is not the conversation of a lucid Police Chief Samuel Quinn.”

  “I had a divine-prescribed chill pill last night, but I don’t like taking them, and I will probably fight the next person who recommends I take one,” I muttered.

  “Made you dull-witted and numb?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Try buspirone. It’s friendlier on the side-effects and while it takes longer to kick in, it’s less likely to screw with you quite as much. Photograph your prescription bottle. I’ll give the doctor who prescribed it a call.”

  “Anubis arranged it.”

  “I’m okay with telling a god he picked a shit drug and to give you a different prescription. I can also send you some reference materials for meditations and other methods that can help prevent you needing to take it as often. If your separation anxiety worsens, we can meet up for a temporary visit before we run away again.”

  “Why aren’t you a medical doctor?”

  “Too many restraints, not enough flexibility to research. Rules suck. I like the research I can do without needing a bunch of annoying sentients complaining they’re test subjects. Also, most patients suck, and the last time I had to do a medical evaluation for some random idiot, telling them their diet was shit and that they’re the reason they’re sick didn’t go over well. It didn’t matter I was right on my evaluation. That said, some hospitals will call me in for help on weird cases.”

  “I’m afraid to ask what classifies as weird to you.”

  “There was an infant with Hutchinson-Gilford progeria. That’s a scary one, but really rare. It’s accelerated aging. The doctors couldn’t figure it out, but they knew there was something seriously wrong shortly after birth. With progeria, you need to act quick even with magic helping. Took me two labs and three days wi
th the poor baby to figure it out. Usually, babies with the syndrome show signs after a year old, not so soon after birth. She’s doing okay. Not great, but okay. She’ll die in her thirties, but it beats the initial prognosis. Before, she would’ve died of old age by thirteen.”

  “That poor kid. Still, it amazes me sometimes. I look at you, and I don’t really think you’re a mad scientist. You look normal. But you go into your basement and change the world. Or other doctors contact you because they’re stumped and you’re amazing at finding obscure things.”

  “Don’t respect me too much, Chief Samuel Quinn. I have your wife, and I’m out to corrupt her.”

  I laughed. “Just try to keep your corruptions manageable. If you could get her to ask for more things, that would be nice.”

  “Now you’re just asking for a miracle.”

  “I really am. Still, thank you for keeping an eye on her. If you need anything at all, let me know.”

  “Hey, I have a question for you.”

  “Yes?”

  “A truck and one of those nice camper trailer things to go with it? Yay or nay?”

  “Yay, keep the trailer below twenty-two feet and make sure the engine in the truck can handle it. With the truck, I want performance and longevity. The bigger the better. I can give you the bank wire details or call the dealership myself. Your husband helped me translate her request to mean she wants a trip to the dealership to purchase a truck.”

  “Brand?”

  “Whatever Bailey sees and falls in love with that has good performance and longevity. If you call in the order to a Las Vegas dealership, it can be ready for pickup by the time you arrive.”

  “How about New Mexico and we pick it up on the way there? It’ll take us a few days to get there with her sick. I’m going to take her to some touristy things, maybe take her to a zoo to have a checkup done on her ocelot, and otherwise take it easy. She wants to find the source of the rabies, but her magic failed last night.”

  Uh oh. “Failed?”

  “I think she was too tired to get a trail started. I’m going to delay her from trying again for three days just to be safe.”

  “Keep me in the loop,” I ordered.

  “Let me know what the twins say. It’s time for me to feed her some more soup, make sure the pets are okay, and check her temperature. Text me with updates.”

  “Will do. Drive safe, and thanks.” I hung up. “Perkins? I can’t tell if your wife is a devil or an angel.”

  “A bit of both, really. Why?”

  “She’s on a mission to corrupt my wife, who is sick enough Tiffany felt a need to call me and tell me she’d let me know if it got really serious, but was interested in knowing what the twins have to say about Bailey’s condition.”

  Perkins sighed. “All right. And?”

  “I need a different prescription for a chill pill, but she’ll take care of it, apparently.”

  “Yeah. She’s good at that. She’d make a damned good doctor if being a doctor didn’t annoy the hell out of her.”

  “Not everyone can be a good doctor, and really, she’s a better mad scientist, I think. She gets the groundwork on some good breakthroughs in motion, dumps it on the lap of someone ambitious enough to want the credit and the fame, and quietly gloats when she’s right.”

  Perkins chuckled. “And most of the scientists give her credit for the groundwork, too. It’s only polite.”

  “Then she not-so-quietly gloats, but I can’t really blame her for that. It works. Although, if she does anything weird to Bailey in her basement lab, I make no promises the lab will survive. Also, how did you even afford a lab? I’ve seen the bills we’ve gotten for basic medical equipment for the forensics guys. That stuff is not cheap.”

  “I stopped asking, Sam. I’m worried she might have robbed an actual bank for it, and some things I just don’t want to know about. That’s one of them.”

  I couldn’t blame him for that. “All right. You give Dowry a call and inquire about Janet and a possible transfer, I’ll get on the phone with the twins, and then we’ll hit the road.”

  Chapter Eleven

  Bailey

  A long drive while sick sucked. At one point, I unbuckled my seat belt and did my best to curl up on the floorboard so the heat keeping our feet warm might somehow permeate the rest of my body. By some miracle, I fit, although my feet ended up on the seat.

  Perkette pulled over long enough to move the seat back to give me more space and dump a blanket on me. Somehow, she managed to stuff a pillow into my new nest for my enjoyment. “That’s one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever seen you do, and that’s saying a lot. If you were cold, you could’ve just asked me to turn the heat up.”

  “You would’ve started gagging because it’s too hot in the car,” I mumbled.

  “While true, I would’ve done it. Don’t suffocate down there, okay? And if you feel up for it, you can give your husband a call? He’s probably not driving.”

  “He’s not? Why? He usually drives.”

  “He had a chill pill yesterday because he’s an anxious man. Think of him like one of those puppies who whines when separated from its owner.”

  I patted around for my phone and found it crammed in a pocket, and I relocated it to the seat. “This SUV is surprisingly spacious.”

  “That it is. So, your husband has sent me on a mission to acquire a Christmas present for you. Ironically, we’d already decided to do this on our own. First, we’re headed south. Probably New Mexico, possibly Texas. I’m to take you to two dealerships. First, we’re to find you the biggest, manliest truck Sam’s money can buy.”

  “Nope.”

  “Nope?”

  “I want to see his face when I pick the truck.”

  Perkette laughed. “But I can’t haul one of those camper trailer things with this SUV.”

  “Nope. Same reason.”

  “I need a travel lab, Bailey.”

  “Rent a trailer. Put it in that. Rent a truck if it’s not one of those box trailers. I want him to take me. Non-negotiable.”

  “I’m not sure I can stomach much more of the disgusting sweetness levels you two produce. I’m setting your kitten up on the seat, and Blizzard is taking a hard-earned nap. I do believe he was on guard duty last night. I’m proud of you, Bailey. You managed to charm both of your husband’s pets.”

  “He’ll walk into the room and they’ll forget I exist,” I muttered.

  “And you’ll walk into the room and he’ll forget they exist. It all works out, so don’t worry about it. If you’re not going to let me take you to a car dealership—”

  “I didn’t say that.”

  Perkette was quiet for a moment. “But you don’t want a truck or a trailer.”

  I smiled, and while I considered myself to be a very bad wife, I knew what Quinn liked, and it was red and it currently sat in Perkette’s garage. “I never said you couldn’t talk me into going to a car dealership to pick out something for him.”

  “You’re going to buy him a new convertible, aren’t you? Bailey, I swear, I love how you can just go with the flow, but there should be limits on how flighty you can be. You were all over the truck and trailer idea yesterday. Granted, you said you thought he’d kill you for it, but you were all into the idea. Now we’re on to buying him a convertible?”

  “One I’m not scared of driving. If I buy it, I won’t be afraid of driving it. The red one has history.”

  “Right. And he’s going to abandon it the instant you give him his new one. I’m just warning you that is what will happen. And it will.”

  “No. He will keep it, and he can give it to one of the whelps when they’re older.”

  “Now that’s what I’m calling thinking ahead. You’re going to need a bigger house with extra garage spots. You’re also going to need to get a second convertible for the other whelp, of a similar make and model as the red one.”

  “Truck can sit in the driveway. It’s a big, manly truck. Cruiser can sit in the drive
way, too. Convertibles go into the garage,” I announced. The only flaw in my plan was the lack of a third spot, but I supposed we could get the second convertible for the second child when they were older.

  “Okay. We’ll go convertible shopping, and once you pick one you like, we can have it made and delivered to New York. That still leaves me with the problem of the lab.”

  “Vegas.”

  “Vegas?”

  “We’re having Christmas in Vegas. Do we have time to get to Vegas and get the car ordered?”

  “We could just blitz straight to Vegas,” Tiffany said. “I could turn a hotel room into a lab. I’ve never tried to make a compact lab before. If we stop only to sleep and walk the pets, we can be there in two days. You can sleep it off at our hotel. I’ll have to get our reservation changed. We’d given ourselves until right before Christmas to get there, as we don’t know your true endurance as a unicorn.”

  “We’ll hotel crawl. That’s a Vegas thing, right? We just go hotel to hotel?”

  “I’m not even going to ask how you know that, but yes. We can do that until our check-in date at the Venetian. That still leaves me the problem of my lab, Bailey.”

  As Perkette was a mad scientist, I had faith she could figure out how to handle her lab with her new restrictions, so I ignored the issue. “I’m not completely ignorant about the perversions of Vegas.”

  “I’m turning you into a Vegas showgirl for Quinn’s amusement. This is revenge for you thwarting my lab plans. Consider yourself warned.”

  I thought about that. “But only in private, and you have to watch the kids and pets.”

  “Deal.” Perkette got back behind the wheel where she belonged. “I’d say fasten your seatbelt, but if you feel better there, I won’t tell if you don’t.”

  Quinn

  “What do you mean Janet is missing?” I demanded, and everyone in the room froze, including Sunny and the whelps.

  Perkins recovered first, and he sighed, setting his phone on the desk.