by dlavieri
Get full value from the thanks exchange by making eye contact
and listening carefully to any response.
4) Notice what’s taken for granted. If we always perform at a stel-
lar level, our colleagues may assume that our high standard is
just normal and cease to notice it. Then it feels especially good
if someone recognizes how hard we’ve worked to keep up the
pace. When you express appreciation to a valuable team mem-
ber, make it clear that you understand what goes into their good
results.
5) Calibrate your “thank you.” Elaborate kudos in response to
some little thing may seem fake and can be embarrassing. And
too little gratitude for a huge effort can feel insulting. The tone
and style of your tribute should be commensurate with the good
work you’re calling out. A casual e-mail can be enough to make
somebody feel appreciated for a routine task. But a face-to-face
encounter is more appropriate if they pulled out all the stops.
6) Write. Don’t forget the power of a handwritten note. It still feels good when another person takes the time to sit down and write
about what we’ve done.
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Think Like an Entrepreneur, Act Like a CEO
7) Be surprising. Formalized praise, such as during an annual
review, is important, but it’s not enough. With time, routine
assessments feel ho-hum, no matter how positive they may be.
To show you mean it, express your gratitude or admiration when
it’s not expected.
8) Be quick. Offer your commendation as soon as possible after the
activity that inspired it. Words of thanks and approval (like other
feedback) have more impact right after we’ve done the work.
The “thank you” habit can be good for you
When you regularly look for opportunities to express appreciation, you are
more likely to focus on and support the values and activities that matter most.
And research suggests that taking the time to feel grateful can actually
reduce your anxiety. Saying kind words to others can feel very good, and
sometimes hearing their response can feel even better.
13
get over Your fear
of looking like
a suck-up
one of the greatest TV characters ever was Eddie Haskell, Wally Cleaver’s
oily, conniving friend, still to be seen on reruns of Leave It to Beaver.
Eddie was an archetype who no decent person wants to resemble—a two-
faced sycophant, always scheming and currying favor to promote his plans.
The fear of looking like a brown-noser is so powerful among professionals
that sometimes they shy away from obvious opportunities to make a friend or
pursue a goal. Among my clients, the people who seem most likely to worry
about resembling Eddie Haskell are the straight shooters who look the least
like him.
A good example is Trish*, a quiet but talented financial wizard who
wanted to eventually move to her dream job in another division of the com-
pany. Trish said she’d probably need support from Al, a senior colleague who
knew the leaders there. She described Al as smart and accomplished, but self-
absorbed and eager to be the center of attention.
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Think Like an Entrepreneur, Act Like a CEO
I suggested Trish find ways to build her relationship with Al, and specu-
lated that he might respond well to a bit of flattery. She said, “Yep—he probably would. But I couldn’t do it. I just don’t like to suck up.”
Even though it could mean a lot for her future, Trish didn’t want to cul-
tivate a friendship with Al because he seemed arrogant and might expect her
to kowtow. I said she needn’t grovel and asked her to simply make a list of
Al’s strengths and areas of expertise. Next, I suggested she spot opportunities where Al’s advice might actually be helpful.
Trish identified Al’s types of special knowledge and found projects where
she could use his insights. Then she began to ask him for occasional guidance.
To her surprise, Al responded warmly and eventually became her mentor.
Ultimately, he guided her into the transfer she’d been seeking. Trish’s reluctance to appear unctuous had almost prevented her from getting to know the
man who became her champion.
Trish is not alone. Modest but otherwise self-aware people often have a
disproportionate fear of looking like a bootlicker.
Are you reluctant to offer a heartfelt tribute for
fear it will be taken as apple-polishing?
Do you avoid voicing sincere admiration because people might think you have
a hidden agenda? If so, you’re probably overreacting. There are many times
when offering a compliment is an authentic move, and it’s wise to get beyond
your fear of kissing ass. Here are seven situations when you should stop
worrying about seeming to suck up:
1) When you’re supporting a positive environment. As I men-
tioned in Chapter 12, research suggests people are more produc-
tive in a workplace where most of the comments are affirmative.
If you consistently contribute to the environment by keeping
most of your words authentically upbeat, people won’t regard
your praise as manipulative.
2) When it’s a boss. Are you reluctant to say “good job” to the big
boss because you don’t want to seem sycophantic? Wel , consider
what it’s like from that boss’s perspective. Maybe she worked her
way into this job because she’s the kind of person who is motivated
by getting As. Now, however, if everybody is afraid to applaud her
achievements, she may start to feel unappreciated. It’s not healthy
get over Your fear of looking like a suck-up
69
or smart when the whole team is reluctant to give a leader honest
positive feedback. Stop being so self-conscious and al ow yourself
to be as nice to your boss as you are to your other col eagues.
3) When you want to make new friends. As long as you’re not being
untruthful or over-the-top, it’s okay to express respect or gratitude
to a person you’d like to know better. Finding something nice to
say is a polite and acceptable way of building a relationship.
4) When it’s wise to avoid conflict. Some people are never going
to be your friends, but you have to find a way to get along with
them anyway. If they are annoying, you may make things even
worse if you indulge in complaints. If they are bullies, you may
attract more torture if you let them see your pain. When you’re
dealing with difficult people, a good starting point can be to talk
yourself into a mood of relaxed confidence. Then look for the
good things about them, so you can diffuse the tension with a
compliment that is genuine and on target.
5) When you owe them an apology. There are moments when
groveling is justified, such as when you forgot an important
deadline, or said something dreadful at the office holiday party.
It’s okay to cringe and humble yourself when you want forgive-
ness for doing something truly wrong.
6) When it would be kind. It is always appropriate to put people
at ease or calm their anxiety, regardless of their rank or
yours. If
empathy makes you want to offer a flattering remark, don’t be
put off by concern about how observers may judge your motives.
And if you can’t say anything nice, maybe you really shouldn’t
say anything at all.
7) When you feel shy. When some people say, “I don’t want to suck
up,” the real truth is that they are afraid to step forward. When
you hesitate to speak up, look more closely at your motives. Do
you actually think it would look bad or is it just that the thought
of drawing attention to yourself gives you butterflies? It’s okay to
be fearful, but make a smart, conscious choice about how you
will respond to that fear.
If you honestly mean it, don’t hold back from offering praise or thanks
just because cynics might criticize you.
14
use games to create
Power and direction
george*, a fairly new manager, hesitated when I asked him about his work.
Then he said, “Objectively, it’s going really well. But I don’t know how
long I can stand it.”
The good news was that, after two years of building collaboration and
creating expertise, George’s team was exceeding all its objectives and had been recognized as a shining “center of excellence” within the large organization.
However, now leaders in other divisions were trying to steal some of the
glory and resources. They were attempting to poach George’s expert staff
members by having them reassigned away to other challenges. When I asked
George how many team members he’d actually lost, he said, “None. But I’m
so exhausted from the constant fight to protect them that I’m not sure if I can keep this up. The stress is just too much.”
I thought about how much George loves board games and recalled a party
where he and friends had played fiercely for hours. The intense players shouted and mocked each other. But at the end of the game they laughed about the
competition and talked about what fun it had been.
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use games to create Power and direction
71
I asked George whether he could take a step back from the challenges
to his team and view his colleagues more like other players in a strategic
game, such as the kind he enjoyed playing with his buddies. George real-
ized that he was finding the battles at work to be tiring because they had
begun to seem too personal. It felt like a slap to the face when other manag-
ers responded to his success by threatening the important program he had
built so carefully.
George resolved to start taking office politics more lightly, like playing
a game. He would remind himself that decisions impacting his program
reflected complex patterns and were seldom about him. He became more
adept at quickly disengaging from daily skirmishes and regularly stepping
back and refocusing on his bigger goals. As he concentrated on keeping per-
spective, George found work to be fun again, and less stressful.
How to invent career games to generate energy
A game involves goals, challenges, rules, and often interaction with other
players. If you’re struggling to understand a problem at the office, or if you’re just bored by the daily drill, try approaching parts of your work as a game.
These tips will help you to launch your game:
→ First, define the rules. If a workplace issue feels like a confus-
ing mess, look at it in a different way by framing it as a game
you must learn to play. Ask yourself: What are my goals? What
moves will take me in that direction? Who are the other play-
ers? What are the consequences of each type of move? Are some
moves out of bounds?
→ Play more than one game at a time. There was a time when
George was torn. His ultimate career goal was to get a pres-
tigious government job. But it felt like he was cheating his
employer when he shifted his focus from current responsibilities
to building his profile in broader circles. He said, “My career
took off when I finally realized that it’s okay to play two games
at the same time. Every morning I not only thought about how
to excel at my day job, but also visualized how to prepare for
my dream job. That additional target and drive made me a bet-
ter employee at the same time it opened doors for the future.”
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Think Like an Entrepreneur, Act Like a CEO
→ Understand others’ games. In your workplace you are sel-
dom in direct competition with your colleagues. It’s like you
are playing your games, and they are playing theirs, and you
occasionally bump into each other on the field. The best players
try to understand their colleagues’ goals and look for ways to
offer help. Collaboration happens when you see how your goals
overlap and find ways to play together.
→ Make work more fun. If work feels boring, think up a game
that will make it more interesting. Challenge yourself to do
something faster, better, or in a different way. Set a goal that
involves learning a new skill, varying your habits, or broadening
your network. As you find ways to make your tasks more inter-
esting and enjoyable, you’ll become more productive.
→ Track results. “Gamify” is a term used to describe the appli-
cation of game design to a non-game process. Often, the idea
is to give you a real-time view of your own or someone else’s
performance. People have embraced the concept of gamification
in the context of exercise, where wearable devices track every
step and can share summaries among selected friends. Some
employers are gamifying repetitive and boring tasks by shar-
ing performance metrics among workers, hoping a little healthy
competition will make work more engaging. You can gamify
your own tedious tasks by keeping track of your performance
and rewarding your achievements.
If you think about your career as a very long-term game, you’ll be less
likely to become bogged down in this week’s problems. Regularly ask yourself
where you’d like to be a few years down the road, and create a game to help
you develop the skills and resources that will get you there.
15
Be Prepared with
clever ways to Brag
what if a headhunter calls today with an interesting job possibility? Can
you speedily show that you’re an ideal candidate? And will you be
ready if a boss or client has questions about how you’ve been using your time?
New opportunities or unexpected challenges can pop up fast. But when
you’re asked to quickly explain what you’ve been doing on the job, you might
not be prepared to gracefully describe your achievements. Some people even
go blank when asked to talk about what they’ve done lately.
To keep moving ahead in your career, you must know how to describe
where you’ve been. Even if you’re happily entrenched in a job that feels secure, on occasion you’ll need to demonstrate your worth. Perhaps you’ll want to
go after a raise or promotion, or show that you’re ready to take on a juicy
assignment.
Even if other people aren’t inquiring about how you’re doing, to keep
&nb
sp; growing on the job it’s wise to maintain a realistic sense of your cur-
rent productivity. And if you routinely keep track of which activities bring
the most results, you’ll know how to prioritize your time in the future.
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Think Like an Entrepreneur, Act Like a CEO
So that you’re always prepared to demonstrate your accomplishments,
consider these strategies:
→ Keep a “love me” file. This is a handy place—also known as a
“brag file”—where you immediately store a copy of any docu-
ment that says something nice about you. I’ve seen a few “love
me” files that are full of handwritten “thank you” notes and
letters of praise from grateful clients. It’s more likely that your
file—whether it’s in your desk drawer or the Cloud—will be a
mixed bag. Include anything that commemorates good work
or a positive evaluation, from casual “thanks” messages to press
clips or training course certificates. If your file is empty, you
might think about rounding up letters of reference or testimo-
nials, just in case.
→ Get real about “performance management.” Your organi-
zation may have an annual performance appraisal process.
Typically, it begins with the establishment of goals and ends
when your progress toward those goals is evaluated in the con-
text of a discussion about compensation. Often, the process is
pro forma and nobody pays much attention to it. But that’s a
missed opportunity. Take charge of the process and use it to get
buy-in for things you want to do. Propose meaningful goals and
routinely document your progress. Your records will help you
create a specific picture of your most important contributions.
→ Count activities and results. Your resume, activity reports,
and project summaries will be more useful and impressive if
you include relevant numbers. Let’s say you’re a PR manager
and a prolific writer. You can tell a prospective employer that
you blog frequently and write lots of press releases. But wouldn’t
it be more effective to say that in the last six months you’ve
posted 60 blog items, averaging 20,000 views each, and you’ve