by dlavieri
I met these two best friends they were young congressional staffers, thrilled to be working on Capitol Hill, but not always sure about how to build careers in the government.
First Andrea, and later Sherry, asked me to serve as a mentor. Both were
obviously talented and I enjoyed their company, so I said “yes” without giv-
ing it much thought. At the beginning, we spent much of our time together
talking about their work challenges. But soon I was hearing as much good
advice as I could offer. Through the years, Andrea and Sherry have pushed
me beyond my career comfort zone, sent along clients and opportunities,
challenged me to be less self-deprecating, and have been there for all my biggest events.
These strategies can help you create powerful
mentoring relationships
Being involved in mentoring can be enormously rewarding, whether you’re
the guide or the protégée. If you want to attract additional mentors, or
strengthen the relationships you already have, try these tactics:
→ To identify mentors, begin with casual connections. If you
hope to recruit a mentor, don’t start with complete strangers.
Most of these people are too busy and unlikely to make time for
you. Instead, look to your network. As we discussed in Chapter
10, your network extends from your inner circle all the way out
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to communities of folks you haven’t even met yet, like members
of your professional groups or your college alumni association.
Think about the people with whom you have even a slight con-
nection and gradually strengthen some of those relationships,
slowly and steadily, one Sugar Grain at a time.
→ To recruit mentors, request a bit of advice. All too often,
young professionals ask higher-ranking colleagues to serve as
mentors, are told “yes,” but then nothing happens. Usually
it’s more effective to gradually engage advisors, starting with a
small request and encouraging further involvement as they get
to know you better. For example, you might approach a senior
colleague and say something like, “I want to get better at X, and
I notice that you are great at X, so I wonder if you could give
me advice about this X-type challenge?”
→ For more help, make a specific request. Some mentors would
like to do more, but they don’t know where to start. They can’t
read your mind, and it’s often up to you to explain when you
need more than advice. So make an explicit request when you
want something from a mentor. If programs, procedures, or
deadlines are involved, do all the homework, so you make it as
easy as possible for them to put in a good word or fight your
battles. And understand that it isn’t fair to ask for action if your
mentor doesn’t have suitable rank, access, or knowledge.
→ Welcome honesty. At times a mentor’s most important contri-
bution is to give constructive feedback, even when it’s unpleas-
ant for you to hear it. If you’re working on a project in which
your mentor has expertise, ask for suggestions about how to
improve your chances for success. Don’t allow yourself to be
offended by honest feedback, even if it is hard to swallow, and
resist the urge to respond defensively.
→ Aim for two-way relationships. Mentoring works best when
both parties make an effort and enjoy some benefit. If you are
trying to forge a stronger bond with your mentor, ask yourself
what’s in it for them. Can you, the mentee, make the relation-
ship more valuable by serving as a source of information and
support? Do you know what they care about most? Have you
figured out the kinds of activities and venues they prefer?
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→ Practice sponsoring and mentoring. To learn how to create
better relationships, look for opportunities to practice being the
mentor. Even if you are at the bottom of your hierarchy at work,
you can find mentees through alumni and nonprofit networks.
As you find ways to make contributions to your mentees, you
will get a better sense of how to manage upward and energize
your own mentors.
Although there are many reasons to be a mentor, much of the joy comes
from helping someone else. If others guided you along your professional path, now is a good time to pay it forward. If you didn’t have the help you needed, break the negative cycle by giving someone else the kind of support that
would have made your life easier. If you want to be a great mentor, consider
these suggestions:
→ Listen. You can’t solve everything. But you can always help by
asking questions in a positive way and genuinely listening to the
answers.
→ Request plans. When mentees identify realistic goals, sug-
gest that it’s time to create a plan. Help them identify action
steps and milestones, and hold them accountable for moving
forward.
→ Make connections. Be alert to opportunities to tap into your
own network on behalf of mentees who need information or
introductions. Once you build up a bank of mentoring relation-
ships, it can be particularly gratifying when your long-term
protégées agree to help out your newest crop of mentees.
→ Meet regularly. Don’t let strong mentoring relationships fade
away after the initial challenges have been addressed. If the
match between the two of you still feels right, suggest ways to
continue the conversation, even if there is no pressing need.
You’ve both made an investment, and the best part of your
partnership may be just beginning.
Reciprocal mentoring can be powerful
The classical image of mentoring involves a relationship where an older, capable person helps to guide someone with less experience and knowledge. That
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idea of a wise, generous senior advisor leading us along a career path can be wonderful and soothing, but it’s not always available or even desirable.
Here’s what can make mentoring really hum: creating relationships
intended to work both ways.
I thought about this new style of mentoring during a long weekend at
our Virginia farmhouse, as I dropped in and out of a three-day conversation
between my husband, Andy Alexander, and one of his much younger pro-
fessional pals. Andy was the longtime Washington bureau chief for the Cox
Newspapers chain, where he also ran the international news operation. He
won journalism awards and served a term as ombudsman of The Washington
Post. Once a classic newspaper guy, these days his work includes teaching and fostering media innovation, mainly at Ohio University’s Scripps College of
Communication.
Andy’s 20-something friend Ryan Lytle has racked up an impressive
resume as a multimedia expert. An outstanding 2010 Scripps College gradu-
ate, today Ryan is a rising star at Mashable.com, a global source of news “for the digital generation.”
As the two men brainstormed about trends in delivering the news, what
fascinated me about their interaction was the way each one liste
ned so intently and seemed to be learning from the other. When I asked about it, Ryan said
one thing he learns from veterans who grew up in a very different news business is how to build organizations and grow leadership. Andy said, “Everything I
do professionally is about the future of journalism. And part of being engaged is staying in touch with the people, like Ryan, who are creating that future.”
Andy and Ryan didn’t create a formal mentoring relationship. But their
style of dialogue illustrates the benefits of an emerging concept: reciprocal mentoring, where each partner is both teacher and student. Both men enjoy and benefit from their talks. The differences in their age, skill set, and experience are what make their sharing so interesting and valuable. If you’re ready
to give reciprocal mentoring a try, consider this approach:
→ Think about the potential exchange. As a starting point,
define what you want to learn and some of the strengths you
have to offer. If you have potential partners in mind, approach
them with the idea of mutual mentoring. If the problem is that
you don’t know where to start, spread the word about what
you’re seeking. Professional, community, and alumni circles can
provide venues for meeting people of different generations and
backgrounds.
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→ Identify needs and goals. It’s not enough for partners to begin
with a vague sense that they’d like some career help. Each
partner should enter the process with clear ideas about issues to
explore and forms of assistance that would be welcome. Later,
when the relationship is successfully launched, it might grow in
surprising directions.
→ Consider logistics. It’s great if you find a mentor in your
neighborhood and can meet over coffee or lunch. But what if
you go through your national group and find an ideal partner
who lives across the country? Explore options like phone calls or
video chats, and set a schedule that’s comfortable and conve-
nient for both of you.
28
don’t Be sabotaged
by Your own
frustration
Years ago I learned something about career resilience by watching how
two women in the same large organization handled their work-related
frustration. Mary* had an abusive boss who bullied her and made her days
miserable. She was from a humble background and not as highly educated as
some of her colleagues, and she felt shy about confiding in coworkers when the boss insulted and demeaned her. Senior management finally became aware
of the boss’s ugly habits when he was investigated and fired for unrelated
wrongdoing.
Mary knew that she had strong grounds for complaint, but she decided to
let go of her hurt and anger and become strategic. In spite of her bad experience, she wanted to stay with the organization, and she convinced manage-
ment to provide her with training and opportunities in a different professional field. Mary became an excellent student and her confidence grew. As the years 128
don’t Be sabotaged by Your own frustration
129
went by, she was promoted and ultimately she built a new career that brought
her great pride.
Elsewhere in the organization, Cheri* was passed over for several manage-
ment slots. She was smart, polished, and technically proficient, but was told that she wasn’t a good fit for the leadership track she hoped to pursue. Cheri felt entitled to a promotion and was angry about not moving up in the way she’d
expected. Instead of listening to the feedback and trying another approach,
she fumed and grumbled to anyone who would listen. As Cheri allowed her
resentment to grow, her coworkers tired of the chip on her shoulder.
Nobody was sad to see Cheri go when she was hired away by a start-up
company. And she didn’t resist the urge to fully express her bitterness. In her last week on the job, Cheri told her bosses just what she thought of them.
When the start-up quickly failed, nobody on her old team wanted to write her
a favorable recommendation. Cheri ultimately had to take a lower-level job in a different field.
Move out of your own way and let go
of workplace frustration
Do you arrive home from work too anxious to relax and enjoy your evening?
Do you find yourself waking up in the middle of the night, fuming about
what they’re doing at the office? Do you hear yourself complaining to col-
leagues about how things are done around here?
Professional life has always been full of annoying jolts and tedious chal-
lenges. Some career paths have become increasingly bumpy in recent years,
with belt-tightening and increasing demands for production. It’s understand-
able if you’re feeling discouraged and indignant about how you’ve been treated.
But just because there are strong reasons for your negative emotions
doesn’t mean you can afford to indulge in them. You are in charge of your
career. If you hope to stay where you are, and you want things to improve, you need to come up with a plan.
And before you can implement your plan, you may need an attitude
adjustment. Here are reasons to stop fuming and let go of your preoccupa-
tion with the bad stuff at work:
→ You must be present. If you want to move to a better
career phase, you have to operate in high gear. But if you’re
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preoccupied with how you were treated last week or last year,
you can’t be fully engaged in what’s happening today. If you
give in to annoyance, you could be less alert to new opportuni-
ties, less creative, and more likely to make mistakes.
→ You must be energetic. When you’re trying to launch a new
plan, it helps to be in great shape. But if you can’t let go of your
angst, you won’t sleep as well, your stress level will slow you
down, your health might suffer, and you won’t be able to do
your best work.
→ It’s best to come across as an upbeat team player. Your best
friends may be willing to listen to the story of your bad breaks,
but even they will grow tired of you if you don’t move on. Most
folks prefer working with positive people, and they tend to
avoid the high maintenance whiners. When you find a way to
release your negativity, you’ll be more productive, work better
with others, and attract more opportunities.
Do you feel more like Cheri than Mary? Is it possible that your continuing
frustration is undercutting your good work and limiting your career mobility?
If it’s time to lose your negative attitude, these strategies can help:
→ Notice. Becoming aware of your frustration can be the first step
in letting it go. Take a careful look at how you’ve been feeling
and be honest with yourself about the consequences. Consider
keeping a journal of your feelings. Once you have specifically
described your misfortune and the pain it caused you, it’s much
easier to move past it all.
→ Be grateful. Neuroscience research suggests that we don’t expe-
rience gratitude and anxiety at the same time. As a result, your
ire will naturally dissipate when you focus on things that cause
you to feel thankful. So make a list of things for which you’re
most grateful and read that list a few times a day, including first
thing in the morning and last thing at night.
→ Take breaks. By pausing and shifting your focus, you can
dispel pent-up antagonism and feel refreshed. Whether it
means chatting with a friend, taking a short walk, or spending
a few minutes meditating, take frequent breaks throughout the
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workday. And remember that regular exercise provides a change
of pace and can help you feel more cheerful.
→ Forgive. When you can’t stop being upset about how manage-
ment has treated you, you’re likely to remain bogged down
in the past. But when you elect to stop blaming people, you
can move beyond yesterday, enjoy today, and look forward to
tomorrow. Many spiritual traditions offer guidance about the
benefits of and the path to forgiveness.
29
Yes, You can do
something about
difficult colleagues
does it feel like your job would be more fun if you could work with a
different crowd? Are you surrounded by whiners, chronic pessimists,
backstabbers, or other difficult people? Or is going to the office less pleasant because of that one person whom you just can’t stand?
In any workplace there may be folks who are hard to get along with.
Sometimes you can reduce the pain by staying out of their way. But avoiding
their company may not be an option. Here are five suggestions for dealing
with your difficult colleague:
1) Don’t escalate the problem. The first rule is to not make things
worse by indulging in petty revenge, sulking, or gossip about
what a jerk that guy is. Even if he started it, the wise move is to
take the high road. If you spend too much time complaining
behind his back, your colleagues may think that you’re just as
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bad as he is. When you disagree with him about a project, limit