The Boxer and the Butterfly

by Sasha Hibbs

  I had to alleviate his fears. I had lied, for weeks now. But looking up at Mickey, hearing him open up about his past, his current fears, I had a lot of work ahead of me in a short amount of time. My parents were going to kill me, but looking at Mickey gave me the courage to finally do the right thing and risk it. He was worth fighting for.

  I wasn’t going to be Bathsheba. I chose Mickey.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  I decided to wait until Saturday to break the news to my parents that I’d been lying about dating Jay. I had this conversation so many times in my head, and it didn’t matter how I spun it, ultimately Mary’s advice would win out. I was going to simply tell them the truth. But not until after Mickey’s fight. I needed Jay for one more night and then I’d let the chips fall where they might. I’d make them understand. How could I not after knowing all of Mickey’s thoughts, his torment, his demons, his declaration of how he’d felt about me long before senior year?

  Jay came to pick me up. I thought of Mickey and drew the courage I needed. I had to break this to Jay also and wasn’t sure how well or poorly he’d take it. I slid down into his Audi, snapped my seatbelt into place, and as he drove towards the boiler plant, I sighed and focused on the truth.

  “Jay, this has to stop. I’m going to come clean with my parents about Mickey tomorrow which means they are going to know you and I were never dating.”

  “Are you kidding me?” Jay said, his voice clipped.

  “I’m tired of sneaking around. I appreciate that you’ve helped me, that we’ve helped each other, but it has to stop. You know it’s only a matter of time before we’d get caught anyway.”

  “That’s not an option for me, Autumn. I can’t get caught. I can’t,” Jay said, his voice growing panicky.

  “Don’t you think my parents are going to be as pissed as yours? I’ve been dreading this, honestly, I have. But I care too much about Mickey to keep sneaking around with him like he’s a secret I’m ashamed of. He deserves better.”

  “No, your parents are not going to care as much as mine. You have no idea.”

  “Jay, look. I’m sorry. Truly I am. But I’m tired of hiding Mickey. I want to be able to go to a movie with him. I want him to meet my parents. I want to be done with the lies. Don’t you want the same? Aren’t you exhausted by it? I want my parents to approve of Mickey, but I’m prepared if they don’t. I chose him.”

  “I don’t have that convenience, Autumn.”

  “Aren’t you tired of this? So what if she’s poor, assuming that’s the issue,” I added. “I’m sure she has other traits that will make up for lack of family wealth.” Jay grew gravely quiet and it made me nervous. “She can’t be that bad.”

  “She’s a he,” Jay whispered.

  “What?”

  “You heard me. So you see? It’s not the same. My parents will disown me. Never mind my coach, my team. Some of them already suspect. Do you know what would happen to me if I came out?” Jay’s words were tainted with fear, his voice was low, but I could hear the trepidation perfectly clear.

  “Jay, I—”

  He cut me off. “Do you know what my dad said once when the topic of homosexuality came up? He said they should be shipped off to a deserted island away from the public eye where they could all burn and die for all he cared. He’s repulsed by the idea. Sickened. How do you think he would view me, his only son, if he knew the truth? He’d disown me at best if he ever found out, and kill me at worst.”

  “Jay, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say.”

  “Say that you’ll give me tonight to break up with him before you tell your parents we were never dating. I’ll tell my parents you were cheating on me and I ended it,” Jay said.

  “That’s terrible, Jay. You’re telling me that if I don’t tell my parents about Mickey, that you won’t break up with your boyfriend, but if I tell, you will?”

  “That’s exactly what I’m saying.”

  “He means that little to you?”

  “That’s not fair and you know it. At worst your parents will ground you, try telling you how much better you are than Mickey, but eventually they’ll get over it. Me on the other hand, I stand to lose everything. I stand to lose my position on the team, scholarships, all the opportunities my parents make sure to remind me of every damn day. Prospects that are there for the taking so long as I follow the course.”

  “Jay, don’t be ridiculous. It’s not like we are living in the past. Being gay is accepted now more than ever.”

  “Now you’re being ridiculous. Being gay has never been accepted. Bigotry is still there and I will not be a victim to it. I will not lose what I’ve worked so hard for. Tell me now once and for all. Are you going to tell your parents about us?”

  I could hardly believe what I was hearing. It was too much at once. I was angry that he wouldn’t stand up for the one he wanted to be with. I was no better than him, but I made my mind up. I was going to fight for Mickey, to be with him, damn the consequences. I didn’t care anymore until he answered the last question I asked.

  “Who is he?”

  “Sean McGregor.”

  I sat back in my seat, nausea choking me. I heard Daniel’s words echo in my mind. Said he’d kill the damn guy if he broke his little brother’s heart again. Why, when I finally grew the courage I needed to make all my wrongs right, did I have to be faced with a new cruel situation? My happiness would have to come at the expense of Sean. I thought about Sean—two years younger than me—his innocence in all this, and my heart broke.

  “Are you sure there is no other way, Jay?” I asked him this, but I knew he was right. I didn’t agree with the majority. It wasn’t until Mickey that I chose a side, the side of the minority, those who didn’t have the money and connections the majority did, and overcame their circumstances in spite of it.

  I thought about my own school. There were only two gay kids that I could think of. And I would be lying if I said they’d never been bullied. They had. Several times. And when I thought of Jay, star football player with scouts coming to visit him, I knew he wasn’t lying when he said his chances would go from a sure thing to virtually nonexistent if he came out. People were prejudiced. Some denied it, but in the end, we all were guilty of it to some degree.

  Tears pooled in my eyes. I tried to keep them in check and calm my voice when I spoke. “I won’t tell them, Jay. Pretend I never said anything.”

  Apparently we weren’t pawns in our parents’ game of chess playing for kings and queens. Jay and I were both playing for kings far better than we deserved.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  I walked down to where Mickey’s fight would be. As he usually did, Sean bailed as soon as I got there. He had to know about me and Jay, but for the sake of keeping Jay, didn’t spill the beans about our secret. It all made sense now. For several weeks I’d been able to slip off with Jay to see Mickey on Friday nights. Our parents wanted us to be a couple. And for several weeks Sean would leave the moment I got there because his ride was showing up not to drop me off, but to pick him up.

  As he waved bye to me on his way out, I could see that spark of excitement in his eyes, that feeling of passion at getting to see the one he’d thought about all week. And if I told my parents the truth, I would be crushing not only Jay, but Sean as well. When my own feelings were at stake, gambling was something I had been willing to do. But as Sean gave me a glimpse of his boyish smile and innocent dimples, I couldn’t condemn him.

  What was I going to do?

  Take one step at a time. I put one foot in front of the other and took courage that I could give up my happiness for someone else. Maybe that could serve as atonement for my sins.

  “Hey, you,” Mickey said.

  I padded up to him. Without saying anything I laced up his gloves around his wrists. I thought about the resilient hands I was holding. Mickey was stronger than me on so many levels. He was a fierce friend, a devoted son and big brother, stood up for what he believed in. I paled in compari
son.

  “Is everything okay?” Mickey asked, wrapping his arms around my waist, pulling me in closer.

  “Sure. I’m just worried about tonight’s fight, that’s all.”

  “Are you sure? You’re not having second thoughts about me coming over Sunday to have lunch with your parents are you?”

  Like the actress I’d become, I didn’t miss a beat.

  “Of course not. They’re looking forward to it.”

  He peppered me with soft kisses along my brow, my cheek, until finally he made his way to my lips. It was then I felt a tear slide down my face.

  “Hey, hey. It’s okay. Don’t worry about me. I’ve fought worse than this guy.”

  He was referring to his opponent, Owen Mitchell. He was a junior at Fairmont State, outweighed Mickey by twenty pounds, but Mickey was on a roll. I had no doubt he’d make easy sport of Owen. Leo was still on my mind in the ring, but outside the ring was the knowledge that tonight would more than likely be our last night together. I’d have to call Mickey tomorrow and cancel our plans for Sunday, tell him that we couldn’t see each other anymore. But I would still go along for Sean’s sake, still have Jay come pick me up on Fridays so they could see each other.

  Had I been honest with my parents from the beginning, I wouldn’t be standing here now, sacrificing the boy I loved so I wouldn’t ruin the happiness of another. I would’ve never been put in this situation. I would’ve never known about Jay or Sean. Jay would’ve never seen his opportunity to blackmail me, and I in turn to use him to my advantage. We built a house made of cards, and it was crumbling fast.

  “I know. Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.”

  Mickey kissed me, and then Daniel and I followed him out. Mickey slid in between the ropes as his opponent did. From the corner of my eye, I noticed Rich watching the fight. These were college-level fighters against a high school kid. These last fights would determine the one fight that would solve all Mickey’s problems. Leo. He wanted a piece of him so bad I could see it in every punch he threw, like it was one more step closer to paying off his mom’s house.

  Mickey was the underdog. But unlike these college-age guys who more than likely came from family wealth, or at least weren’t tied down to a burden that kept them from realizing their dreams, Mickey viewed these fights like he was fighting for his mother and brother. Like he had to protect them from being destitute. That kind of hunger could give even the biggest underdog the fighting chance he needed. And Mickey was hungry.

  I watched him closely, unsure if I would ever have the chance to again. His performance was flawless. The fight lasted eight rounds before Mickey threw his signature combination taking Owen out. A thought flickered through my mind. I remembered hearing Daniel say there was a good chance Leo would end up going pro.

  I didn’t like these fights, especially looking at the small trickle of blood oozing down Mickey’s right temple where he let Owen hit him. But there were some undeniable factors in Mickey’s situation that made me see, perhaps for the first time, his talent in this sport. He’d had no formal training. No coach. Nothing but hunger and a natural gift and he tried to combine the two and make them work to his advantage. It made me wonder what Mickey could become if he had the tutelage of an experienced trainer. If under the right direction, could Mickey learn techniques to better protect himself and make a professional career?

  I’d attempted many times to talk Mickey into giving up fighting because of the danger. I begged him to take a more scholarly approach to life and go to college and carve out a life with his head instead of with boxing gloves. But it dawned on me that while Mickey wanted to take care of his family regardless of the personal cost, maybe, just maybe he loved this sport too.

  After the crowd cleared out, Rich came up to Mickey. Handing him his cut of the profit for winning, he said, “You did good, son. You did real good. I want you to train hard over the coming weeks. You’ll have four more fights, and then in May, if you win all the ones leading up to it, you’ll have your fight with Leo.”

  If I were being honest, there was a large part of me that didn’t like Rich. He was an older guy taking advantage of younger kids. Using them to draw in crowds and build his empire at the expense of their blood and sweat.

  “I won’t disappoint you,” Mickey said, tucking the envelope stuffed with cash and shoving it into his back pocket.

  “There’s more. These fights are on the down low, but I have connections. You’ve grown quite a reputation for yourself in the underground. There will be a scout in attendance at your fight with Leo. He’s coming to see him, but I assure you,” Rich said with a creepy smile, “he’s heard of you, too.”

  Once Rich left to go back to his office Daniel punched Mickey in the arm.

  “Holy shit, man! That’s awesome. It’s a win-win. You beat Leo, get what you’ve always wanted and have a shot at getting noticed by someone who could actually turn this into something worthwhile.”

  “What I’m doing is worthwhile,” Mickey said, grim undertones resonating in his voice.

  “You know what I meant, man.”

  My iPhone dinged, signaling Jay was out in the parking lot waiting for me. Most Fridays I’d opted to drive so I could pick Jay up, drop him off somewhere, and then get him once Mickey and I parted ways. Mickey would have no knowledge of Jay that way. And on the Fridays Jay picked me up, I made sure to leave before everyone, including Mickey, came pouring out of the fight.

  When I left home, I’d made up my mind to come clean, tell Jay he needed to do the same. I’d done that, and over the last two hours, I’d become distracted by the thought of this being my last night with Mickey. I forgot to make sure I left before I found myself in a position where I’d still have to hide Jay from Mickey. But as I pulled out my iPhone to read my text message, my heart sank and all thoughts of caution went to the wind.

  Help!!! Sean’s hurt. Bad. We r n parking lot.

  “Oh, my God…”

  I ran up the metal steps and threw the door open to the outside. I scanned the empty parking lot until I spotted Jay’s Audi.

  Faintly, I heard Daniel and Mickey run up behind me. Jay stumbled out of the driver’s side and limped over to the passenger side where he opened it. Sean slumped over and fell out onto the gravel. I ran as fast as I could, loud footsteps behind me.

  Sean lay crumpled up on his side, his naked back staring up at me. I saw vicious red welts running down his ribs and under his torn jeans. From my periphery, I saw Mickey on my right side and Daniel on my left. It felt like time stood still. I was taking in this gruesome sight before me, my gaze flicking from Jay to Sean.

  “What did you do?” I asked, my voice barely above a whisper.

  Jay had tears in his eyes.

  “I did nothing. Absolutely nothing.” Jay said, his voice shaky.

  Mickey knelt down and rolled Sean onto his back gently.

  “It’s going to be okay, Sean. We’ll take care of you,” Mickey whispered in soothing tones to Sean whose breathing was ragged.

  “You motherfucker!” Daniel said, running at Jay, tackling him by the waist, dragging him down and throwing punches. “I’ll fucking kill you!”

  Mickey shot to his feet as my knees nearly buckled on me. Mickey grabbed Daniel from behind, the two falling backward as Mickey wrapped his arms up underneath Daniel’s to restrain him.

  “Stop it, man. Calm down. We’ve got to get Sean to the hospital. He needs medical attention.”

  “Let me go! I’m going to kill that son of a bitch!”

  I watched Daniel struggle to break free, but it was useless. After several seconds, exhausted, Daniel went limp against Mickey.

  “Your brother, Danny. Your brother. Think of him. If I let you go, you gonna put your head back on?”

  “Yes. Let me go.”

  “Live to fight another day, my man. We got to get Sean out of here, now.”

  After keeping him in a bear hug for a few seconds, Mickey slowly released Daniel. I kneeled dow
n beside Sean and gingerly placed his head in my lap. He was clutching onto a wadded black shirt against his otherwise naked chest. He had to be freezing.

  “Here, here. Sh. Let me have that,” I said, trying as gently as I could to pry it out of his grasp so I could put it back on him.

  Jay rolled over on all fours. To his credit, he never once tried to deflect Daniel’s punches or defend himself. He crawled over to Sean. By this time, Mickey started barking orders.

  “Daniel, go get your truck. Get it as close to him as possible,” he said, and then gazed down to Sean after Daniel turned and ran toward the truck. “We’re going to get you help.”

  “No. No … hospital,” Sean choked out as I finally worked the shirt out of his hands.

  My stomach dropped. I heard the sharp inhale of breath beside me. Mickey and I both stared down in horror at why Sean didn’t want to go to the hospital. The wetness I began to feel on my hands was from Sean’s shirt. Only it wasn’t from tears or sweat. It was from blood. Sean’s blood.

  “They held him down, and I watched from where I was hiding,” Jay said through sobs. “We were at the park. My shoelace was undone. I told him to go ahead to the car as I bent down long enough to tie my shoe.” Jay was hysterical at this point. “I heard Sean scream and when I looked up, some guys from my team held him down and I hid. I hid. I hid. You have to believe me … I didn’t know what to do. Oh God, oh God, oh God…”

  “Oh, my God…” I whispered in horror.

  Tears fell from my eyes as I pictured Sean, sweet and harmless Sean, being overpowered and held down by guys twice his size while they carved the word “fag” into the skin across his chest.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Time seemed to stretch on forever before we finally made it to the hospital. Daniel pulled up beside the emergency room entrance while Jay and I followed behind in his Audi. I watched from the passenger side as Mickey and Daniel gingerly dragged Sean out of the truck. They used their bodies to prop him up and bear his weight as they walked him into the hospital. Jay took no trouble to hide the anguish on his face. As I opened my door to get out, Jay stopped me.