Jame refused to give up on anything. He walked and tried to jog to get himself healthier and stronger for his next surgery. They had to go back in for a lymph node dissection, which is going after other lymph nodes in the area that might also have melanoma in them and take them out. It was another serious surgery and he wanted it as soon as possible. He held out that Michael will change his mind and asked Jack to email our son again.
It was now June and Jame’s surgery was scheduled for next week. We went through all the preparations again, making all our lists.
“Don’t you think you should let your mother know how serious this is getting, Jame?”
“It’s not that serious yet and no, I don’t want her here.”
Okaaaay. End of that discussion.
Erin and Kaitlin were wonderful. They were home after their semester, although Erin was leaving soon to go back to Rutgers for summer photography courses that she couldn’t squeeze in before. Kait worked as a nanny for a family who took her away on lots of vacations, so many nights it was just Jame and me.
We were sitting snuggled together on the back deck one evening and Jame turned to me very seriously. “Cath, I wonder if you’re wondering why I haven’t brought up us getting married in a while.”
“I’ll ‘fess up. Yes, I have wondered.“
“I wanted to wait until after this next surgery and see what comes out of it. And then I want to really do something to convince Michael to meet us because I want him here when I marry you.”
“Oh, Jame, it’s all so jumbled up. The next surgery scares me and I can’t imagine what you’re thinking and feeling about it. I am disappointed that Michael doesn’t want to meet us, but he is entitled to his choice. And we don’t have to get married. I’m content with the way things are.”
“Oh yes, we’re getting married, Cath. I wanted that when we were in high school. I promised that when we were in high school. It’s taking me a very long time to make good on some of my promises, but that is one I am committed to keeping. I want to be your husband and I want you to be my wife. I want us to be together forever. “ He wrapped his arms around me so tightly. “I don’t ever want you ever to doubt me again.”
“Oh Jame, I don’t doubt your love and commitment. I feel it every second of every minute. My life is complete now with you in it. I do want Michael here to be part of us, but we have to accept that that might not happen. We made our decisions long ago and this is the consequence.”
Jack called to report that Michael never answered his email. Jame worked out harder and harder. He was driven by a need even I couldn’t understand. He was dealing with his demons of all the decisions he made and the life he had lived. Nothing like staring cancer in the face to bring you to your knees.
Both girls wanted to be with me during his next surgery. They had gotten very close to Jame and had an emotional stake in the outcome too. We sat and talked and looked at the clock. Then talked some more. Drank a lot of coffee, nibbled on some food, and prayed a whole lot.
Finally Doctor Hadler came out, looking weary and serious. My heart dropped.
“I’m sorry to tell you, Cath, but we found more than a half a dozen affected nodes. One to three is a better prognosis. This many is very serious. I wish I had better news. I’ll be around to see him tomorrow. Either I can tell him or you can. There is chemotherapy and immunotherapy we can try. We’ll talk more tomorrow.” He patted my arm and left.
I sat stunned as Erin and Kait began to cry softly. I picked up my phone and called Jack.
“Please email Michael and tell him his father has very serious cancer and that’s why he’s been trying to connect with him. Ask him if he could find room in his heart to make a man’s dream come true.”
“Who’s Michael?” Erin sniffed and wiped her eyes and nose.
“Yeah, I thought Jame didn’t have any kids,” Kait added.
I told them the entire story of Jame and me and Michael.
Chapter 33
“Hey honey, wake up.” I stroked Jame’s brow and push his lock of dark hair away from his eyes. He stirred a little but the morphine they had given him really knocked him out.
I sat back down in the chair alongside his bed and held his hand. The same hand that first held mine back in ninth grade. I didn’t want to think much about anything. It was too difficult and too heart hurting. This love of my life was back with me but for how long? Oh God, pleasepleasepleaseplease. That’s all I could pray over and over again.
“Cath?” Jame slurred it a little.
“Yes, sweetheart. I’m right here.” I gave his hand a squeeze.
“Come closer.” He tugged feebly on my hand.
“I’m here,” I said as I kissed his cheek.
“Will you marry me?” He gave a shadow of a smile and tried to open his eyes.
I lay my forehead on his and kissed his eyelids and nose and mouth. “Yes, my love, I will marry you.”
The morning took way too long to come around. I sat up in the chair holding his hand, sleeping in fits and starts. Long, dark nights in a hospital room are the pits.
“Hey Cath, you look like something the cat dragged in.” His sleepy eyes and grimace of his mouth belied the teasing tone of his words.
“Yeah, well you look worse than me, so there. It ain’t easy sitting up all night taking care of a lazy good-for-nothing.”
He smiled at that and then asked what I had been dreading all night. “How’d I do?”
“Oh, Jame. It’s not so good, sweetheart. Not too good.” I held in my tears. He didn’t need to see that now.
He rolled his head away from me. “Shit.” And then he closed his eyes.
Dr. Hadler came in later when he was less groggy and explained some more about his choices in dealing with what was now advanced melanoma. He would have his office send over pamphlets outlining the different protocols, their effectiveness and side effects. It would be a hard road but it could help.
After he left, Jame slowly sat up in bed. He gestured for me to come over and sit with him.
By now the tears were threatening and he put his arms around me and let me cry. He remained stoic and solid, holding me tightly, my rock, my soul mate.
“Ok, that’s enough. That’s all the crying allowed for today.” He lifted up my chin and mopped up my tears with the blankets. “We have a wedding to plan. I wasn’t too drugged up not to remember that you said you would marry me. This surgery is over, now on to the wedding!”
I went from crying to laughing quickly. What an amazing man. And he was mine.
“Ok soon-to-be-husband, what do we do first?”
“Ooh, I love the sound of that, husband. Say it again.”
“Husband. Husband. Wonderful, wonderful husband!”
“Wife. Wife. I love my wife.” And there was those molten chocolate-brown eyes looking deep, deep into my eyes as if he were trying to see our future.
“Well, first you have to get your ass in gear and get out of that bed so we can get going on our wedding plans.”
“Seriously Cath, listen. This is what I want.”
“Oh here we go again- what you want. What about what I want?”
“Hear me out, please. You. Me. Erin and Kaitlin. Hopefully Michael but if not, OK. Minister or mayor or whoever can marry us. Our living room. Just us. No one else. In a few weeks when I feel better.”
I leaned over to give him a hug carefully avoiding all the tubes and wires. “How did you know that was exactly what I wanted too?”
We kissed to seal the deal.
I told Jack not to tell Jame what I had given him permission to reveal to Michael. Jame would have hated it but it must have worked because Michael responded. He was going to fly to Florida to talk things over with his mother who since his parents’ divorce ten years ago had been his primary parent. He would let Jack know his decision.
I didn’t tell Jame but kept putting off our wedding date saying he wasn’t strong enough yet or I was still looking for a dress.
As Jame recu
perated, I heard back from Jack. Michael had agreed to meet, but only with me. Alone. No Jame.
I was elated and crushed at the same time. Michael wanted to meet me but not his father. Jack couldn’t explain it but advised me to go and not tell Jame yet. It was a step, Jack explained, which could lead to more steps.
I hated lying to Jame but I told him I was spending the day in the city looking for the perfect, simple wedding dress. I played it up that this was a big deal for me and he should just shut up about it.
Michael had offered to come to New York to see me and Jack arranged for us to meet at an outdoor restaurant near Battery Park. He sent Michael a photo of me and me a photo of him. I wouldn’t need the photo. He was a Jame-clone.
I arrived a half hour early, so nervous and distraught. What if he didn’t show up? What if he got lost? He had my cell phone number so hopefully that wouldn’t happen. What would I say? What would we talk about?
I jumped when my phone rang. It was Jame. “How ya doing sweetheart? Found your dress yet?”
“No, I didn’t and stop bothering me! I’m too busy to talk with you right now.” I had to keep up the charade.
“Ha! Just teasing you. And wanted you to know that even if you wear rags, you are beautiful to me and I’ll marry you anyway.”
“Very funny. Gotta go!”
Whew! Be still my heart. That was a close one. I started to turn off my phone when it rang again. A number I didn’t recognize.
“Hello?”
“Hello is this Cath? This is Michael.”
Ohmygod! Ohmygod! It’s him. “Hi Michael. I’m at a table outside the restaurant. Are you running late?” I was babbling like an idiot.
“No, actually, I’ve been here for about an hour and I’m…” and then this wonderful lanky, six foot four beautiful Jame-twin was standing in front of me.
“I’m Michael.” He held out his hand and I shook it. I must have been staring because he cleared his throat and asked, “May I sit down?”
“Oh yes, please, Michael. I can’t believe it’s really you.”
“Yes, m’am it’s really me. I saw you when you got here but I was too nervous to say anything.”
“Please don’t be nervous. I’m nervous enough for both of us!”
I now understood what the saying meant when people “drink him in with my eyes.” I couldn’t believe this amazing young man was my son.
“Thank you so much for agreeing to meet me. I know, or maybe I don’t know, how hard it is for you to be here.”
“Um, Cath? Should I call you Cath? It’s a little awkward.”
“Cath is fine. How is your mother? She was very kind to me over the years. She sent me photos of you. Did you know that?”
“Not until recently. I went home to see what she thought about meeting with you and my father and she told me it would be a good thing for me to do, so here I am.”
Bless that generous woman. I don’t know if I could have done the same thing.
“My mom said that she only knew about you and sent you pictures and things. She said she never knew much about my birth father so that’s why I wanted to start with you. I’m still not sure I want to open up this can of worms, but my mom said it might help me know myself more.”
“Your mother is a wonderful woman.”
“I always knew I was adopted. She told me right from whenever I could understand that a very special girl loved me so much that she gave me to her to take care of because this young girl couldn’t.”
I had promised myself not to cry but it was hard at that moment.
“So, um, I googled you and my father. You’re both very successful.”
“We weren’t at 18. He was pushed to follow a dream and I was a scared, stupid kid who felt like she had no choices. I want to tell you I’m sorry I am that I had to give you up, but it sounds like so little now.”
“Well, I can’t say I understand, but I remember when I was 18 and if my girlfriend had gotten pregnant it might have been a big problem just like you had.”
“So wise for your age. Tell me about yourself, Michael, or do you have any questions for me that you want answers to?”
“I majored in management at BC. Went there on a volleyball scholarship. Interned at Mangus Enterprises where I still work in HR. It’s pretty good. Not sure if I’ll stay in Boston though. Lots of my friends are ending up here in New York City so I might give it a try.”
My heart did a little flip of joy at that. “New York is awesome.”
“I’ve read some of your articles and things online. Pretty good.”
“Thank you. I started writing in high school and always knew that I would be a journalist.”
“And I got in your way?”
“No. No, Michael. Please don’t ever think that. I would have kept you if I could have. There just was no way at the time. My parents couldn’t do it. I had no job, no money, and felt like I had no choice. You were wanted. Don’t ever think you weren’t. It broke my heart to give you up.”
“My mom was a great mom. She was always there for me.”
“I am so happy to hear that. I prayed for you all the time that you were well, safe and happy.”
“So my birth father, the basketball guy. He didn’t want me? Was that it?”
“It was very complicated with both his parents and my parents not supporting us about having you. His dad was very forceful and pushed Jame a lot.”
“So what’s the story about his cancer?”
“Jame is really sick. He’s recuperating from his second surgery. We don’t know what the prognosis is but we’re hoping for the best. Michael, he has no other children. You are his only child, his only son. And he would like to meet you.”
“It was hard enough coming to meet you. So many people think that adopted kids are dying to meet their birth parents, but not everybody is. I tried not to think about you too much when I was growing up. I did make up stories about you, but not about him. I never even considered him. Maybe that’s because I figured he never considered me.”
“I don’t think that’s exactly the way it was, but he’d be happy to answer your questions. And I thank you so much for agreeing to see me.”
“So are you guys married? Any other kids? “
“I married once and have two daughters who are 20 and 19. They’re in college. I told them about you, Michael. You have sisters. They are very interested in you. And your father just came back into my life recently.”
“I don’t know. This is all a lot to take in all at once. I figured if I met you first, then I could decide if I wanted to meet anyone else.”
“It’s totally up to you. I understand, but we’re kind of fun when you get to know us. Especially the girls.”
He laughed at that and the tension lifted a little.
“Can we order lunch? I’m starving. I was too nervous to eat this morning.”
So Michael and I talked about his life, my life, his sisters, moving to New York, his mom and not once did he bring the subject of Jame up again. So I let it go. It broke my heart.
We left it that he would call me if he wanted to meet the others or see me again. I told him to call or email about anything at all. He thanked me for not being too scary (God he had the same sense of human as Jame!) and I thanked him for being so open and willing to talk.
I watched him walk away, the same long strides and same body build, and it made me so sad that Jame wasn’t sitting right here next to me. A piece of my heart walked to the street and out of sight.
When I came in the door later, I had my story all ready that I didn’t find one dress that I liked but Jame beat me to it.
“Jack stopped by and explained to me what you were doing and why. I totally understand, Cath. I’m sad but I understand.”
“Oh Jame, I wish it could have been another way. He said it was too much to think about meeting all of us.”
“Tell me about our son, Cath. Please tell me every detail. I want to know.” Jame laid back on the couch look
ing exhausted. I told him about every word, mannerism, look, and question Michael had. And he soaked it up like a man needing water after a desert drought. I felt so bad.
Erin and Kaitlin were next to hear all about their half-brother. They were curious but not quite sure what to make of it.
“I think that’s so mean that he doesn’t want to see Jame. He doesn’t know what a great guy he is,” Kait argued.
“Yeah and why wouldn’t he want to meet us? If he was brought up an only child, I think it would be cool to find out you have sisters,” Erin questioned.
Missing Pieces of My Forever-Heart Page 10