Missing Pieces of My Forever-Heart

by Janet Grosshandler

  “Come here, Cath. I want to talk with about something.” Jame motioned for me to settle on the couch next to him.

  “No, I’m not going with you to see your mother.”

  “Ha! That’s not it and I wouldn’t push you to do that anyway, sweetheart. I want you to pick up more assignments from your editor.” He held up his hand to stop my objections. “You need to get back to work fulltime, Cath. Or at least more than the dribbles you’ve been doing every few weeks.”

  “Why? I’m fine with money and I want to spend my time here with you.”

  “There’s no reason both of us going stir-crazy this winter. I’ll get into this clinical trial and who knows how much I’ll be up and around. You need more to do than sit around and watch me be sick.”

  I suspected his steamroller was shifting into high gear. He had his reasons he wanted me to get out more. I gave him the benefit of my doubts.

  “All right, I can do that. Let me see what Ed wants from me. But I’m not taking any assignment that takes me away for weeks at a time.”

  “Fair enough. Bo and I will do just fine. Go to the city; get back into your journalist groove. Don’t want people to forget about you.”

  I suspected there was more to this, but I decided to wait it out.

  While Jame was in South Carolina visiting his mother, Bo and I went for long walks. I surprised myself how much I enjoyed it and Bo actually was good company. When we would sit at night, I started to pour my heart out to that silly dog that listened as if he understood every word I said. When my tears fell, he would lick my hand.

  I told Bo the story of Jame and me, as many details as I could remember, even the tiniest things. I confided my fears of him dying and us not getting our “happily ever after.” Bo abandoned his dog bed on Jame’s side of our bed and slept on the rug by my side. I wondered what he thought about things?

  Jame returned from what he called ”the worst visit ever.”

  “There was no easy way to tell my mother I might not make it. As soon as she saw me, she burst out crying. How’s that for a welcome?”

  Jame had gotten much thinner and gaunter. His lovely thick brown hair was gone and his “cool bald look” was in place. I can’t imagine his mother’s shock when she saw him since he had told her very little about his illness.

  “So I laid it all out for her, me and my cancer, me and you, Michael. At times I was afraid I’d have to start CPR, but she actually came through pretty well. She says she just wants me to be happy and not die before her. I told her I could guarantee the first but not the other.”

  “Well, moms are like that. We want what’s best for our kids, but not anything bad happening to them. It’s good that you went and reconnected with her. No regrets.”

  “What I regret is listening to my parents when I was 18. I missed my life with you.”

  “Jame, we don’t know what would have happened then. All those things got us here. Let’s just appreciate the blessings in our lives now, OK?”

  I helped him unpack. He was really wiped out after the trip. I’m sure it must have been emotional with his mother. No mother wants to lose a huge chunk of her heart.

  Chapter 37

  Michael was settled in New York City, rooming with some BC buddies and enjoying his new job at Exis Corp. He wanted to jump into high gear and show his bosses what he could do so he turned to Jame for business advice.

  Jame went into his version of warp speed. He wrote Michael long email missives, pages and pages, outlining everything he had learned and used successfully over his career. I don’t think Michael understood how once his father gets hold of something, he pours his heart and soul into it. Right now, Jame’s goal was to help Michael rise to top management in the next few weeks, I think.

  Thanksgiving came. The girls were home. Erin was in her senior year at Rutgers with a strategic internship coming up in the four weeks of Christmas break. She had landed a plum assignment with FoxieRoxie.com, a fashion and clothing online company that in three years had amassed millions of dollars in sales. She was a marketing major with a photography minor and was hoping to get her foot in the door and get hired for a job after college. I loved that the offices were in Jersey City, not far from home.

  Kaitlin’s sophomore year at Seton Hall caused her to do an about face on her major. She gave up her theater obsession (thank goodness) and switched into a Special Education/Elementary Ed major because, as she put it, “I can act all I want in front of the kids and help them at the same time.”

  So my girls seemed set for now and I loved having them stumble, sleepy faced down to breakfast.

  “Yum, Mom. Thanks for the French toast.” Erin was the most awake.

  “Mmmmmmmm,” was all we heard out of Kait as she poured herself a large cup of coffee.

  “Late night, sweetie?”

  “Yeah, I was trying to watch a movie on TV, and Dad and Michael were yammering on about “skill set” this and “objective-based” that. What’s Dad doing, teaching Business 2.0 to Michael in one day?”

  “I think that’s exactly what he’s doing. I don’t think Michael knew the hurricane force his father is capable of.”

  “What about me?” Michael shuffled into the kitchen, his hair sticking up. I tried to picture how he would have looked at a younger age getting up for breakfast in my kitchen. I usually didn’t indulge myself like that.

  “Dad’s giving you his crash course in moving up the corporate ladder,” Kait said.

  He laughed. “Yeah, he’s really into it. But you know, he’s telling me some good stuff. I have this chance to pitch some ideas to get me on a cool new project with a major client, and he’s getting me to come up with all crazy things that I can condense down into a proposal that just might get me on it. He’s amazing.”

  “He is that, alright. And I think he’s in his glory that you want his help. It’s making all the difference to him and I know you’ll be the first one chosen for the new client.”

  “Mom, you are such a positive person, always looking on the win-win side of everything.” Michael gave me a hug.

  Whoa, when did I become the positive, glass-half-full person? Did I catch it from Jame? How did I make that transition in the middle of his cancer battle?

  Despite everything, I was happy and content. Jame and I lived in the present, the now, today. We couldn’t change the past and we did not want to look at the future. Only here, only now. And right now there were three beautiful children polishing off the French toast and planning their day.

  Jame didn’t come down until almost noon. The late night strategizing with Michael had taken its toll.

  “Morning, my love. Is the turkey already cooking?” Jame sniffed at the oven but stepped back when he breathed in the turkey smell. He’s been having trouble with certain food smells lately, where it was dwindling down to only a few things he had an interest in eating.

  “Yes, but you don’t have to eat it if you can’t. It’ll be OK.”

  “I’ll do the best I can. Don’t want to ruin our first family Thanksgiving together. Do you know what I was doing last Thanksgiving?”

  “I think you’re going to tell me anyway, sweetheart,” I teased.

  “Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I was in a hotel room in London and had a filet mignon because they don’t make turkey over there in London for lonely Americans. You’re on your own.”

  “Awww, should I cry now or later for poor you in London with filet mignon?”

  “I will tell you one thing I did last Thanksgiving that I enjoyed. I read everything I could find on the Internet about you. I’d been thinking about you and wanted to catch up on your career. You had just done that video documentary about homeless mothers in different cities. Impressive.”

  “Thank you. I was impressed with my work too if I do say so myself. Hey, you know what Michael said to me this morning? He said I was a positive person. I think I caught it from you. You turned me into someone who sees the good stuff despite the bad. How about that?”<
br />
  “I think our son is a brilliant man. I know how you got it from me.”

  “Yeah, how so?”

  “From infusions. Every time we make love, I fill you up with love and happiness and shazam! you changed!”

  Jame always can make me laugh. It felt good. But it had been a while since we’d made love. He had been too ill most of the past few weeks especially.

  “I know, I see it in your face. I miss you too. Tonight, we’ll go to bed early and spend all night making passionate love,” he promised.

  I hoped that we could.

  Our first Thanksgiving as a family was very special indeed. If the kids noticed Jame pushing his food around on his plate instead of eating it, they didn’t say anything. Yelling at the football games on the TV, snacking on second helpings of pie later on. It seemed like a normal family gathering. We all pretended the elephant in the middle of the room did not exist.

  “Awesome as usual, my love. The meal was great and the company the best I could ever wish for,“ Jame said, as we got ready for bed.

  “Yes, I saw you eat two pieces of pie with whipped cream”

  “At least I haven’t lost my sweet tooth.”

  That he didn’t and if oatmeal and apple pie with whipped cream was all he could eat, then that’s what I would make him for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

  “Hurry up with your shower,“ Jame said as he settled back into his pillow slowly. His back and shoulders were hurting him a lot these days, and he had avoided taking his pain pills while the kids were here. He said he didn’t want to be zombied out especially for his time with Michael.

  “Did you take your pills?” I asked trying to look stern.

  “Yes, m’am, I took my meds. Now hurry up.”

  I zipped through my shower, anticipating sweet love with Jame. When I climbed into bed, I could tell he was sound asleep. I didn’t have the heart to wake him up. He was trying so hard to keep this holiday up and happy. I snuggled close to him and listened to him breathe for a long time until I fell asleep.

  “Cath, wake up, sweetheart.” I felt a nuzzling at my ear.

  “What’s the matter? Is it time to get up?”

  “No, it’s still dark out. Sorry I fell asleep last night on you.” The nuzzling turned into kisses trailing around my neck heading up towards my mouth. “Cath, turn to me, sweetheart. I need to love you right now.”

  There was something new in Jame’s voice. I couldn’t figure it out exactly, but there was sadness all through it.

  Chapter 38

  Two weeks later we heard the final decision on Jame’s entry into the new clinical trial. After his most updated tests and scans, the committee decided that his melanoma was too far advanced for him to be a viable candidate for the program. Jame took it stoically.

  “Well, it was a long shot and I’m sure Dr. Hadler would have gotten me in if he could have. I know the trials have to hopefully have success and as of now, I’m not in good enough shape for them. OK.”

  He gave me a hug. I held in the tears, finally realizing how much I had been counting on this saving grace.

  “I’m taking Bo out for a walk for a while.”

  Jame hadn’t been able to walk Bo very much in recent days so I watched him get as far as the woods behind our house. He sat down on a bench that was out there, leaned over, hugging Bo’s neck and I could see his shoulders heaving. And Bo, bless him, understood his master’s mood because he reached up and licked Jame’s tears.

  The stark reality almost knocked me off my feet even though I was already on my knees- my sweet Jame was going to die.

  Chapter 39

  Michael called a few days later. He had good news for Jame and me and wanted to come down to see us over the weekend. I heard him coughing and sniffling.

  “Are you sick?”

  “A little cold, that’s all. Mom, wait ‘til you hear! It’s awesome!”

  “Michael, I’m so, so sorry. Your Dad can’t be around anyone who’s sick right now. His immune system is almost nonexistent because of all the chemo and meds he’s on. If he catches something from you, it could be bad.”

  “Oh man, I really wanted to tell him in person and you too. But I understand. How’s he doing? What’s the word on the clinical trial?”

  I had to take a deep breath to tell our son the news. “No, he didn’t make it into the trial.”

  There was silence from Michael. Then “Shit. This sucks so bad. We’re gonna lose him, aren’t we, Mom?”

  “Yes, Michael, we are. And I agree, it sucks. So maybe the next week or so you could call him a lot? And tell him about your good news? Is it about that client project?”

  “Yeah, I got on the project team. Thanks to him. And they’re using one of my ideas.”

  “That’s wonderful, sweetie! I’m happy for you and so proud of you. What a future is unfolding for you.”

  “Yeah, but Dad won’t be here to see it.” Michael started to cry.

  “Well, maybe not physically, but he’s embedded in your DNA and your heart forever. In a few years when you’re leading the projects at work, you’ll think, ‘What would Dad do about this?’ and he’ll whisper it in your ear. You’ll know he’s still around.”

  “Mom, how are you doing with all this?”

  “I don’t really know, Michael. I don’t really know. One day at a time.”

  “Is Dad there now?”

  “I think he’s awake.” I walked into the family room and handed Jame the phone. “Your son has some news for you.”

  I heard Jame’s “Way to go! Awesome!” as I walked into the kitchen and sat down numbly at the table. It was getting harder and harder to put that one foot in front of the other these days.

  Chapter 40

  Jame spent a lot of time sleeping. His meds had been increased. He was eating very little and had grown thinner. It was a week before Christmas when he called out to me that he wanted to talk in our office.

  Curious, I found him at his desk with a bunch of documents strewn out all over. He gestured for me to sit in my chair as he turned in his seat to face me.

  “Ok, Cath, the love of my life. It’s time to have the hard conversation.”

  I looked at his desk and almost bolted from the room.

  “Come on, sweetheart, I need you to be that strong woman who threw me out of this house the first night I came over.”

  I had to smile at that memory. So much changed since then. If I had only known what I know now, I would have taken him in my arms that moment and had a few more days.

  “I am that woman, so say it fast and get it out in the open.”

  “Ahhhh, there’s my kick-butt girl.”

  He opened the first document and proceeded to go over his Will, all his assets, his bank accounts, the insurance policies, and anything else I would need to know and have in order to settle his estate.

  “I know you don’t really want to be here doing this, but we have to and I need to. So I know you’ll be OK.”

  At that I couldn’t help myself. I leaned over into his lap and cried my heart out. He rubbed my back, shushing me, pushing my hair out of my eyes, trying to make a horrible situation better. Bless him. HE was the strong one.

  “How can you face all this, Jame?”

  He simply said, “How can I not?”

  He wanted me to carry a copy of his Living Will and medical power of attorney with me at all times “just in case.” He didn’t want to be kept alive on machines. He wanted to die with dignity and he was depending on me to carry out his wishes.

  “Who woulda thunk I’d be turning over the power to pull the plug to the first girl I ever made out with.”

  “It’s not funny, Jame! “ I wiped my eyes with my fingers.

  “Cath, if I don’t keep my sense of humor, I’ll lose my mind.”

  “You said let’s have the hard conversation. Well, let’s do it.”

  “What do you want to say, Cath?”

  “That it’s not fair to only have you for this short
time. How come we only have short times together?”

  “I’ll ask when I get to heaven. OK, OK, no more fooling around. Serious, right?”

  “Please.”

  “I don’t have any philosophical answers for you, sweetheart. Wish I did. Why did we meet when we were so young? Why is our connection so deep? Why did circumstances tear us apart?”

  I joined in. “Why were we brought back together again? Why were we so blessed to get Michael back in our lives? All the why’s, Jame. What do I do about them? They’re making me crazy!”