In the Midst of Tribulation

by Mary Griggs

  "All right. I'm going to get some sleep. Call out if you need anything." Collecting the empty cups and dry washcloths used that night, Piper headed downstairs.

  "We alone?"

  Susan was startled by the hoarse question. Sitting down on the side of the bed, she laid a cool hand on Jay's cheek. "Yes, we're alone. How are you feeling?"

  "Wiped out." Jay tried to push herself up on her elbows. A sharp pain in her back, dropped her back onto the bed, coughing.

  "What are you thinking? Stay still, you idiot." Susan helped ease Jay onto her side and held her through the spasms that racked her body. When she stopped coughing and her pulse began to climb back down, Susan rolled Jay onto her back. She watched closely as Jay's color improved before she offered Jay a mug of tea.

  She drank the foul tasting drink of steeped bark, grimacing as she did so. "Who was it that suggested this?" she asked facetiously.

  "It was yet another one of your good ideas."

  "Good thing I'm so full of them."

  "Hmm. I always thought that you were full of it." Susan busied herself taking Jay's pulse. "You really gave us a scare."

  "Yeah. I think I scared myself. That whole not breathing thing is a tough way to go."

  "Thank goodness you had the supplies and manual."

  "Some antibiotics and pain killers wouldn't have been amiss."

  "So, you're a dreamer, too"

  Jay shifted slightly. "Have y'all seen any sign of those guy's friends?"

  "No."

  "Did you put out a guard?"

  Shaking her head, Susan asked. "We never even thought about it. Do you think we're in danger?"

  Jay lay quietly for a while. "I don't think we're in any more trouble than we were before. I don't know where those guys were from or where they were going. Hopefully, any friends they have won't want to borrow trouble by coming after whoever killed them."

  "Are you okay about the killing?" Susan picked up the washcloth and began to wipe Jay down. "Doris said you blew them all away."

  "I did what I had to do."

  "That wasn't my question."

  Rolling her head, Jay moved until she was able to look Susan in the eye. "I'm in no condition to second guess myself. Check in with me again once I'm back on my feet. Right now, I need to focus on getting better."

  "I'll hold you to that." Susan laughed. "You know you can always talk to me."

  "Thanks."

  "No problem. Now, why don't you try to sleep some more?"

  As she could barely hold her eyes open, Jay nodded and let Susan tuck the covers around her. Her breathing evened out and her muscles relaxed as she slumbered.

  Chapter Seventeen - Tarry With Me

  Deeper, deeper grow the shadows,

  Paler now the glowing west,

  Swift the night of death advances;

  Shall it be the night of rest?

  Words: Caroline L. Smith, 1852 Music: John B. Dykes, 1862

  For a long moment after she woke up, Jay lay perfectly still. Only three days ago, she had woken up to a nightmare. She was only just now realizing that it wasn't just a bad dream.

  One of the curtains wasn't closed all the way and there was a beam of sunlight shining directly onto her face. She winced when she tried to open her eyes. Closing them tightly against the glare, she listened intently until she determined that no one was in the room with her.

  Opening her eyes, she confirmed what her other senses told her. The room was empty. Jay sighed, grateful for that small favor. She needed to get away. She didn't feel able to handle the clogging sympathy and concern that was being showered on her by the other occupants of the house.

  They didn't understand that she wanted to be alone. She had to think about her narrow brush with death and she had to figure out what she was going to do if or when she recovered.

  Taking in a deep breath, she held it tightly as she rolled on to her right side. Supporting her left arm against her chest, she pushed up and swung her legs off the bed. Hissing softly, she struggled up into a sitting position.

  She had to blink quickly to clear the black spots from her vision. Wishing away the nausea, she stumbled over to lean against her dresser. Jay opened a drawer and pulled out a pair of pants. Balancing on one leg was a chore but she zipped up the pants and moved to the closet. There, she chose a soft flannel shirt and eased her arms in and it over her back. She struggled with the buttons and then sat up down to rest.

  To finish dressing would be the hardest part. Taking a few breaths, as deep as she could manage, she felt up to putting her socks on her feet. When she slipped her feet into her boots, she nearly fell over as she bent to tie her laces.

  Once she recovered from the dizziness, Jay made her way to the staircase and climbed laboriously downstairs, clutching the banister on either side to keep from falling face first to the floor. It was funny but she couldn't remember the stairs being so steep or so long before.

  At the bottom, she looked over and saw Doris sitting at the dinning table sipping on a cup of tea. For a long moment the two women stared at one another. The ticking of the grandfather clock was the only noise in the house.

  Doris blinked first. Nodding silently, Jay went to the closet and pulled out a jacket and a weapon. Gritting her teeth, she was able to slide her good arm into the sleeve and the other side over her shoulder. She missed her first attempt was finally able to put her automatic in her pocket with a handful of bullets.

  For a moment, she considered going into the kitchen and getting something to drink. Jay was afraid that the sleeping members of the household would awake and stop her escape. Her need to get away overrode her thirst.

  Never turning around, she walked out of the house. When she gently closed the door behind her, the dogs leapt and bounded around her. In a stern voice barely above a whisper, she commanded them to stay and guard. She didn't look back as she walked past the lake and disappeared into the woods.

  "Where's Jay?" Piper shouted an hour later. She almost fell down the staircase, catching herself under one arm on the railing and nearly dropping the mug of tea that she had taken up for the patient.

  "She's not up there?"

  Piper rolled her eyes at Susan's question. "Do you think the room is so big that I could have missed her?"

  "I was just wondering if you checked the bathroom."

  "Can she even make it that far on her own?" Piper asked before turning to go back up the stairs.

  "She went for a walk." Doris' quiet statement silenced everyone.

  "What? She shouldn't be out of bed. How could you let her go?"

  "Who am I to stop her?"

  "You're right. Perhaps if you had been somebody who gave a thought once in a while to someone other than themselves, we wouldn't even need to be having this conversation." Piper's tone was scathing.

  "What are you saying? That this is my fault?"

  "Give the lady a cigar. Jay wouldn't be hurt and certainly wouldn't be out wandering around if it wasn't for you."

  "Oh, and you had nothing to do with it." Doris sneered. "You kissed me."

  "So I made an error of poor taste and judgment. What's your excuse?"

  Doris' eyes filled with tears. "None of you have ever made a secret about how little you want me around. I'll just leave."

  "Don't be an idiot, sis." Martha was impatient. "This isn't about you right now." She glared at Piper. "You aren't helping things either. Right now, we need to figure out what we're going to do about Jay."

  "We need to go look for her."

  "I think we should wait." Susan had her arms crossed tightly over her chest. "I think she needed to be alone."

  "What?"

  "Doris, did she say anything?"

  "No. She just took off."

  "All right, then. She obviously left under her own power. We need to wait."

  "There must have been a reason," Piper wondered aloud. "She hasn't been able to be awake for more than a few hours at a time. Why would she leave?"

&n
bsp; "We won't know that until she returns."

  "And where?" Piper walked to the French doors. "Maybe her fever came back and she's out there, wandering around and out of her head."

  Doris spoke quietly. "She seemed to know what she was doing."

  "How do you know?"

  "Her actions were very deliberate."

  "Tell me exactly what happened." Martha sat down at the table. "Don't leave anything out."

  "There isn't much. She had a little trouble with the stairs. We looked at each other and she went to the closet and got her coat." Doris drew her finger through the water rings on the table. "She put her pistol in her pocket with some ammunition and went out the door."

  "Oh, that's just great. She's out there with a weapon."

  Susan barked, "Calm down. Have you ever known her to leave the house without some form of personal protection? Her having a gun doesn't mean anything."

  "Doesn't it?"

  "Not really. I think she just needed some time away from us."

  "Why? What did we do?"

  "Think about it. She's been alone here for a long time. We come and she not only has to baby-sit us but she now has to recover from a life threatening injury. She doesn't like feeling dependent at the best of times."

  "Are you sure about this?"

  Susan shook her head. "No. But it's a plausible explanation."

  "I still think we should look for her."

  "Give her some time to get it out of her system. We don't want to her to think that she is a prisoner."

  "And you're willing to risk her life on your idea that she just wanted a time out?"

  "We have to honor her decisions."

  "How long are we to wait while she is out there, dying out in the woods?"

  "Give her until after lunch."

  "I hope you're right."

  "So do I. So do I." Susan glanced out the window and offered a prayer that she was doing the right thing for her friend.

  When Jay left the house, she headed down the hill. It was not because she had a destination in mind but because it was easier in her weakened state. She was hardly out of sight of the house before she started to struggle, feeling the burn in her lungs and ache in her muscles. Once she hit the road, she followed it for about a hundred yards until she came to an abandoned drive. She left the road to make her way down the steep incline to the stream.

  Crossing the stream took the last of her energy and she sank to the ground at the base of tree. Her back to the smooth bark, she closed her eyes. While she waited for the frantic pace of her heartbeat to slow, she concentrated on the breathing in the fresh scent of the woods.

  When she opened her eyes again, the sun had moved overhead. She was grateful for the warm sunlight as the sweat from her earlier exertion meant her shirt was cold upon her back. Cracking her knuckles, she had no more cause for delay.

  She pulled the pistol from her pocket and hefted its weight in the palm of her hand. The black metal felt almost too light for the amount of power it contained. Gripping tightly, she considered how best to hold it.

  In her entire life, she had never contemplated suicide before. She had no religious conviction about her body and soul belonging not to her but to God nor did she have any particularly Kantian objections about the irrationality of using her free will to destroy her freedom. At the most basic level, she was just too damn curious to ever close that door altogether.

  But this was different. She was bone tired and in constant pain. Jay knew that her recovery had hardly even started. Without the medicines that had been available just a few years prior, she knew that she was looking forward to months of agony if she was going to ever return to full health.

  And that was her real problem. The Big If. She abhorred the thought of having to give up her independence and identity. She fuzzily remembered the smell of infection and thought the stench of death lingered on her skin. Her body had never failed her before and the cold that settled into her very joints felt like the beginning of the end.

  Like Hamlet, she felt the seductive pull of an endless sleep. She lifted her bowed head and knocked it against the tree at her back. Looking around the clearing, she watched a bird take off. Searching for what had disturbed it, she was surprised to see a large, feral cat staring across the space at her.

  "Hello." Jay smiled. "Are you here to bring me some kind of message?" The cat's tail twitched. "You're kind of scrawny for a spirit guide."

  The two of them stared at one another for several moments before the landing of another bird distracted the cat. Completely ignoring the woman, the cat stalked its prey. It crouched with only the tip of its tail twitching. With a graceful lunge, the feline landed on the bird and made quick work it, despite its struggles.

  Jay watched the cat eviscerate the bird and carry the remains out of the clearing. She sighed. "Well, that was a pretty confusing portent. Am I supposed to identify with the bird and worry about what happens when I get distracted? Or perhaps, I'd be better off remembering that the cat lost one meal before the second nearly landed in his lap." She drew up her knees and balanced the pistol on them. "Harrumph. You're probably just making a statement about the frigging circle of life. The question I have for you is whether I'm coming or going?"

  Sitting quietly, Jay listened to the sounds of the forest. She could hear the birdcalls, the music of the river, and the wind rustling the tree boughs. Becoming even more intent, she listened to the sound of the insects and the far off rustling of the cat returning to its den. Peering at the automatic, she grimaced. "Do I even belong here?" she asked.

  With deadly economy, Jay ejected the magazine and quickly took the weapon apart before reassembling it just as quickly. She fed a round into the chamber and switched off the safety.

  For the longest time, she stared down the barrel of the gun. The hole seemed to grow until it filled her entire vision. Finally, she turned it away from her face and ejected the unused cartridge. Sliding the bullet and the weapon into her fanny pack, she climbed to her feet.

  She took one last look around the clearing before she turned and headed back the way she came. Stopping at the river, she made the laborious effort to sink to her knees. Leaning over, she took a long drink from the river before she rinsed her face and hands in the cold stream. The water tasted extraordinarily good and felt refreshing on her skin.

  She made her way back to her feet and started back up the hill. It was difficult to keep her feet on the gravel road but she made it to the top without falling.

  The effort used up nearly all of Jay's remaining strength. She had to hold onto one of the saplings on the shoulder and gasp for air before she could take another step. Gritting her teeth, she growled to herself before having to laugh. Not even an hour ago was she considering ending it all. Now, she was mad when it seemed like she wouldn't make it back to the house. Pushing off, she lowered her head and concentrated on putting one foot ahead of the other.

  Piper stepped across the bridge and saw Jay. Her head was down and she was cradling her left arm against her stomach. Moving quickly to close the distance, Piper called out, "Jay!"

  Jay's steps were erratic and there was a copper taste in her mouth. She startled when Piper suddenly appeared in front of her. "Hello."

  "Hey."

  "Where'd you come from?"

  "I was looking for you."

  Jay nodded. "Are you the only one?"

  "No. We all went out in different directions." Piper slipped her shoulder under Jay's right arm. "Where did you go?"

  "Didn't I tell you that I had an important appointment?"

  "It must have been left off the calendar."

  "We need to fire that secretary." Jay had to stop talking to concentrate on staying on her feet.

  As they walked, Piper took more of Jay's weight. "Just lean on me."

  "It's hard."

  "Are you in pain?"

  "Yes, thank God."

  Piper was confused. "You're thankful you're in pain?"

  "You b
et." Jay panted. "It means I'm still alive."

  "Well, I'm glad you're okay."

  "Thanks. I appreciate y'all coming out looking for me."

  The two of them fell quiet as they concentrated their efforts in making their way up the trail. Piper was grateful to finally see the house. She helped Jay upstairs and was able to sit her on the bed. With an economy of motion, she was able to undress her and get lying down in bed.

  "You sweated a bit during your adventures. You want me to give you a wipe down?" she asked, frowning at the pale face.