Bleeding Love

by Harper Sloan

  After the longest hour of my life while the owner runs us through the rules and safety procedures, I’m being suited up with more protective gear than the swat team probably wears. I’m not sure how I’m expected to move around like this.

  Liam looks over after he adjusts the strap on his own helmet, and gives me a grin. “How do you feel?” he asks me.

  “Hot. And stiff. ”

  He laughs and hands over my paint ball gun. I look at it and then back up to him. His grin grows and he walks over to show me how it works.

  “I think you got it, darlin’, just point and shoot. Just don’t shoot anyone on our team. ”

  “How do I know they’re on our team?” I ask lamely.

  He taps my yellow helmet and then points to his own. “Avoid the yellow. ”

  “Right, avoid the yellow,” I gulp.

  I kept chanting that as we make our way out the door into the back of the center. The whole thing looks like some weird obstacle course. There are different areas clearly meant to shield and some that look like my worst physical education nightmare come to life.

  “Ready?” the owner asks when we make it to the group of ten or so other people all geared up in yellow and blue helmets.

  Avoid the yellow. Avoid the yellow.

  “When you hear the buzzer, go. ”

  Shit, I missed everything else he said. Liam looks over and gives me a wink through his goggles and when I hear the buzzer sound I watch as everyone scatters. Liam grabs my hand and pulls me toward one of the bunker like shielded areas. It takes me a few seconds to get my head in the game, but when I hear Liam laugh, I watch as he pops his head around the side before pulling his gun up to pop off a few shots. I hear a grunt and then a muted curse before Liam turns with an even bigger smile.

  My blood is pulsing through my veins so hard that I can hear it roaring in my ears. I can’t figure out if I’m feeling pure fear or excitement. My mind is telling me to run, but the look of joy on Liam’s face, transforming him from handsome to panty-soaking gorgeous, makes me want to keep it there.

  My hands shake as I pull myself up and peer around the side. I see a few yellow helmets, but my gaze zeros in on one lone blue one with her back to me. With a ridiculous amount of jittering, I bring my own gun up and let off a few pops. When I hit her clear in the back with one of my yellow paint balls the adrenaline rushing through my body spikes, and I feel like my body might explode with excitement.

  I can’t explain the feelings running through my system. When I drop back down to where Liam is waiting and turn to look at him, the smile on my face can’t be stopped.

  I’m having fun. So much fun that I don’t even think. I drop my gun and grab his padded shoulders and give him a huge hug.

  When I pull back, his smile matches my own.

  “Let’s do this!” I exclaim.

  He gives me a nod and for the next thirty minutes I feel, just like he asked, and for the first time in a long time, while the adrenaline is rushing around and my heart is about to beat out of my chest, I’m looking forward to every second that is to come.

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  “LET ME PUT ICE ON it, please,” Liam asks for the tenth time since we pulled up at my house.

  I look over at him with a smile, the same smile that hasn’t left since my first hit during the paintball game. Not even when one of the last blue players got me right in the back of my thigh and the burning pain caused me to face plant in the middle of the field. Of course, the pain was easily forgotten when I watched Liam stop and turn sharply and pelt the guy with one try before he dropped down to make sure I was okay.

  That smile was shining bright when I watched Liam hand his phone over to the owner, grab me by my middle and position me in front of him. It was still shining huge when his phone came up, flash went off, and I know that had I looked when Liam did, I would see one big wonky smile on my face in that picture.

  If the look on his face was any indication, he liked seeing that big wonky smile. He liked it a lot.

  I still haven’t come down from my high. I look up, smiling at him and shake my head.

  “It’s going to hurt more if we don’t put ice on it. ”

  “I feel fine,” I tell him and honestly I am. It’s sore, but it doesn’t hurt. Well, it doesn’t hurt that much.

  He looks up from where he’s been studying my thigh and gives me a long accessing look.

  “What?” I ask him.

  “Nothing, darlin’, nothing at all. ”

  He doesn’t take his gaze from mine. I look down at where he’s kneeling against the floor and just drink him in. Today has been the most fun that I’ve had in a long time. All because of Liam.

  “You feel it yet?” he asks after a few minutes.

  “Huh?”

  He opens his mouth to respond but snaps it shut when the front door opens and I hear my precious daughter laughing at the top of her lungs.

  “Mommy! I got to ride in a monster truck!”

  My eyes widen and I look at Liam in shock. I had called Dani earlier when it became apparent that my kidnapper wasn’t going to give up, and asked her if she could get Molly from school. I know Dani doesn’t own a monster truck. The thought of my daughter in a monster truck scares the crap out of me.

  “Breathe,” Liam says softly.

  “Right. ” I take a deep breath and nod my head, looking deep into his eyes.

  Molly rounds the corner that separates the front hall and the living room, her infectious smile causing me to give her one of my own. When Nate comes into the room, my smile slips slightly.

  “You aren’t Dani,” I tell him.

  “Nope. I’m prettier. Right, Mols?”

  She giggles and gives him a hug. “Yup! Hi, Lee! Mommy, look, Lee’s here!” She turns from where Nate is standing and bounces toward Liam. I hold my breath and wait to see what she’ll do next. It seems, if her leaping into his lap is any indication, that my girl is getting attached to all of these men in her life.

  I ignore the slight pain in my chest when Jack’s face crosses my mind and will myself to not think about the things that he’s missing in her life.

  “Hey, little lady. ”

  I look away when I see the look of reverence in her eyes. Yeah, my girl sure is hooked.

  “Where is Dani?” I ask Nate, avoiding the look on Liam’s face as he gazes at my precious daughter.

  “She’s in time out,” Nate tells me, ignoring my shocked face and dropping down to hold his arms out. “What? I’m prettier than that troll, Mols! Has my beauty let you down?” He throws his hand over his forehead and drops to the ground in a dramatic faint.

  Molly claps her little hands and giggles at Nate’s antics. I swear, this girl.

  I look over when Liam laughs and scoops Molly up in his arms.

  “Be gone you ugly ogre! Princess Molly has no time for the likes of you!”

  My eyes widen and I watch in fascination as the two huge alpha males play with Molly effortlessly. Of course my daughter is eating up every second of this. I sit there, watching and in the middle of her beautiful laughter I feel like the walls are closing in on me. Not in a bad way, necessarily, but it hits me that this is something that I’ve been keeping from her. By closing myself off and making it so nothing and no one can come close enough to form bonds that can break, I’ve also kept Molly locked up.

  I’ve kept my innocent daughter from experiencing relationships of others. Sure, I can justify it away that I’m keeping her from the pain if we were to lose someone else, but what is that teaching her?

  My God, I’m teaching her fear.

  Fear for the unknown and that fear will keep her from having the beautiful life that I so wish she will have.

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  With wooden legs, I stand. They don’t notice, the three of them having too much fun chasing each other around my living room. Their laughter trails after me as I walk down
the hall, into my bedroom, and finally my bathroom. This is the safest room for me to hide away and let the guilt of what my own fear has pressed upon my daughter.

  I want to move past this. I know deep down that this is the unhealthiest way of living. I should move on. Jack is gone and there isn’t anything that can bring him back. Logically I know that, but mentally I don’t know if I can handle jumping over that last hurdle.

  It really is time to move on.

  Right there in my bathroom, I let the last of my grief over losing Jack bleed out. Knowing that I’ve been so wrong to stay locked tight for this long. But, just because I’ve accepted that, doesn’t mean it doesn’t kill me to let those last bits of fear start to leave my body.

  I lean against the counter and focus my thoughts. Looking up at where the mirror used to be, I suddenly can’t keep it locked up anymore. But instead of tears, a manic hysterical bubble of laughter comes shooting out.

  And then another.

  Before I know what happened, seconds pass and I slide to my ass in the middle of my bathroom, hands held over my stomach as the cramps my laughter has caused sink in. Tears blur my vision, and a pain so blinding that makes my breath come in rushed gasps, rips through me.

  That’s where Liam finds me, of course, the poster child of sanity rocking back and forth on her bathroom floor. If he had any doubts of my mental status before now, I’m sure they’re all confirmed now.

  He doesn’t say a word and as the laughter turns to sobs, he shifts around me and lowers his body to the floor. His legs frame around my rocking body and his strong arms wrap around me tightly. His silence continues as he tightens his hold. He doesn’t speak, just lets me lose it in his arms. When I finally calm, he moves us both so that I’m sitting across his lap. His arms come back around me, one going around my middle and pulling me in close. His other arm comes up, hand moving to cradle my face and press me against his chest.

  Turning my head, I take a deep choppy breath and let his scent fill my senses. That warm intoxicating blend of wooded pines and leather. All Liam. It fills my head and when I let the air back out, I feel a small sliver of control come back over me.

  Almost as if his hold alone gave me some of his strength.

  “Molly?”

  “Nate’s got her, baby,” he mutters.

  “I’m sorry,” I exhale.

  “Far as I can tell Megan, that was a long time coming. ”

  “Yeah,” I confirm.

  “Want to tell me what brought that on?”

  I don’t want to, but after today—him giving me a day of carefree fun—I feel like I owe him something. Maybe, just maybe, if I let him in just a little he will understand why I’m absolutely no good for him.

  “I’ve . . . I . . . God. I thought that if Molly just had me she would be safe. ”

  His arms jerk, but he doesn’t speak.

  Pushing my head closer to his body, I take that strength, that safety that his body gives me, and continue, “I never wanted her to know what it feels like to miss someone. Know the pain that comes when part of you dies. That’s what Jack was, part of me, of us. She was too young to understand or feel that loss. I guess I’ve been living in a bubble. Keeping her wrapped tight with me so that we would never have to depend on someone else for our happiness. ”

  “Darlin’ you aren’t living. ”

  “We are,” I sigh, “We have each other. But yeah, we—no, I—haven’t been. ”

  “And how well is that going, Megan?”

  I pull my head up and look at him, really look at him. His eyes hold no sympathy, just empathy. He isn’t judging me. As I look into his handsome face, all I see is his understanding, but also his searching gaze boring into my own as if he’s trying to communicate something without words.

  He’s letting me lead.

  And if the way his heart is racing against my body is any indication, his holding back right now is costing him.

  “She needs this,” I confess.

  “Yeah, baby, she does, but so do you. ”

  I nod my head and his eyes go soft. His hand moves from where it fell when I shifted to look at him and his other comes from between our bodies. His warm hands take my face and his reverent hold and the tender look in his eyes, causes me to close my eyes.

  “Look at me, Megan. ”

  I shake my head.

  “Darlin’,” he says as his breath dances across my lips. “You need to look at me. ”

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  “Why?” I murmur.

  “So you can see. ”

  His thumb moves, the pad of his finger running along my jaw. He waits, giving me a few breaths. My eyes slowly open and when I look into his face, just inches from my own, his eyes are burning with an emotion I’ve never seen directed at me.

  I’ve seen it before and the knowledge of what he’s trying to communicate with just that searing gaze, makes my heart leap in my chest before beating so violently it feels like it might break right out of my body. This is a look of complete affection. Tenderness that I’ve seen a million times since Cohen pulled me into his world. It’s one that Cohen is often giving Dani. But right now, coming from Liam, it’s mixed with the hunger that is simmering just beneath the surface, his simple look has turned into something I’ve never experienced, but always wanted and made me yearn to see it a million times over.

  A look that no matter how much Jack loved me—it was only a love of friendship and never, not once, a look that made me feel like I was the only person he ever saw.

  I gasp, my thoughts feeling like nothing short of a betrayal to his memory.

  “You feel it. ”

  My eyes widen and I don’t move. Not confirming physically, but giving him that regardless with my silence.

  “Yeah, baby. ” His forehead drops against mine and his eyes stay locked with my own. “You’ve given that angel everything she needs, Megan. She doesn’t lack love, but she has so much to give. She doesn’t understand loss, but she will. You can’t keep that from her no matter how hard you try. It’s part of life. All you can do is be there for her when it inevitably happens. And as hard as this is for you, you have to know that she needs to experience all of the ups and all of the downs that life has. She. Needs. To. Live. ”

  He stops, brings one of his hands from where it was resting lightly against my neck and wipes the tear that had rolled from my wide eyes.

  “There is no doubt in my mind that you have been doing the best you can. You protected her while you have been protecting yourself, but it’s time to step out of that bubble and let yourself feel. Live. You both need this, not just her. You’ve watched her this past year, Megan. When everyone is around, that little girl lights up. So much love to give. She gives it freely and eagerly. Not one person she comes around isn’t affected by that smile. ”

  “I’ve kept her from this, Liam. ”

  “No, baby. You haven’t kept anything from her. You’ve been too busy guarding yourself that you’ve missed it. She already has it. Do you really think Nate would have fought his own sister off and volunteered to bring her home from school if he didn’t want to? He told me he locked Dani in her own house and brought Molly home, just so he could spend some time with her. Half the time when Izzy is watching her, Molly is watching Nate. Did it seem odd to you that she didn’t even bat an eye when I was here the other night? Darlin’, those times Dani has had her while you were working? You know Dani and I are close?”

  I nod and his smile deepens.

  “I look real good in Dani’s makeup baby. ”

  My jaw drops and the image of Liam—all very male Liam—the subject of one of Molly’s makeovers.

  “I’m there, often, and I’ll be the first to admit that she has me wrapped around her finger as tight as I can get. ”

  He finishes and gives me a second while my mouth flounders.

  “She never told me. ” My voice comes out harsher than I meant
and I can tell he doesn’t like it.

  “You’ve been scared of your own shadow for a while now, Megan. She might not have told you outright, but she wasn’t keeping it from you. ”

  “Molly never told me,” I continue.

  “She didn’t tell you? Or you didn’t want to hear it?”

  My brow wrinkles and I think about what he’s saying. Had I been purposely been ignoring things I don’t want to see? All those times that Dani had watched her for a few hours, she had come home on cloud nine. Her chatter had been nonstop and most of the time so rapid that I couldn’t keep up. But—my God! What kind of mother am I?

  “Tea parties,” I say hoarsely. “I always thought that Leelee was . . . well, not you. That night you came with pizza—” My voice trails off as I remember how my daughter so oddly spoke to Liam like she had been waiting for him. Like she had anticipated his arrival at her home.

  “It’s not hard to love her, Megan. I would never hurt either of you, but you have to know had I refused the innocent love she so freely throws to everyone around her, that it would have left a mark. ”

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  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  I try to shift, but he doesn’t allow me to move from his lap.

  “I’ve been trying to. ”

  “You’re so confusing. You haven’t been trying to do anything but get back in my pants. ”

  His eyes go hard and he moves so that I can’t do anything but look right at him. His eyes burning, but this time without giving me any kind of warm feelings.

  “Make no doubt that I would love to be back in those pants, Megan. I guarantee you that the next time I’m right back in those fucking pants it’s going to be because you want me there. But don’t ever accuse me of using your daughter to get there. The only thing confused here is you. You’re too busy trying to keep yourself from seeing what’s right in front of you. You’ve got yourself so twisted in knots to keep everyone out, that you can’t see a damn thing. ”

  He stops talking and moves to stand, leaving me with no choice but to follow him up. He straightens, helps me finish my climb from the floor, and drops his hand instantly.

  “If I didn’t know with all that I fucking am that you’re worth the trouble, I would leave and never look back. ”

  I step back a foot at his words.

  “So fucking stubborn, Megan. So stubborn. What happened out there,” he says, pointing in the direction that Molly and Nate can be heard laughing. “What happened is you finally seeing past the goddamn guilt and fear that has been eating you for years. The fear I can understand, baby, I get it. But the guilt, I don’t see it. I’ve tried to wrap my head around it for months now, and I still can’t get it. You aren’t living and until you get your head out of your ass you’re going to continue living this lonely life. What happened out there was you seeing that, even with you trying to keep her from experiencing anything that may one day cause her a second of pain, she’s breaking free of those tangled webs and living. Take a page from her book Megan and maybe we can finally be on the same chapter. I was wrong before, we aren’t just on different ones, you’re still ten books behind me. ”