A Ghostly Mortality: A Ghostly Southern Mystery (Ghostly Southern Mysteries)

by Tonya Kappes

  I had just been to Marla’s pageant school and it was packed. It would seem strange for her to spend time working for Dottie when the school was doing so well.

  “Just on funeral arrangements. You know I’m busy with the pageant school.” Marla Maria had used the big plot of land Chicken left her in his will to open the beauty pageant school.

  Pageantry was taken just as seriously as horse racing around these parts and if anyone could make a business out of teaching girls how to walk, talk and bow, it was former Miss Kentucky, Marla Maria Teater.

  “I don’t know much about dead people and it really gives me the goose bumps being in here, so I’m sorry if you need help since Charlotte left, but I don’t think I can help out.” Marla brushed her hands down her jumpsuit and folded them at her waist.

  “I’m good.” I smiled. “I don’t need help.”

  “From what I heard, you and Zula hightailed it out of town this morning to go see Charlotte.” Marla was fishing for information. “I mean, I overheard something like that.”

  “Spill it.”

  “Oh, honey.” Marla foo-foo’ed me with her hand. “Don’t be getting your panties in a bind. It was just girl talk. You know how those Auxiliary women can be when nothing else is going on in town.” She turned and trotted toward the vestibule. She called over her shoulder, “They don’t have nothing better to talk about.” Her fingers drummed the air. “Toodles!”

  Chapter 2

  Thank goodness I worked well under pressure because I got Jade Lee’s viewing room done in record time. She would’ve loved it. Fluggie Callahan called to say that she’d come by a bit before the visitation so she could drop the memorial cards on her way to drop off the weekly newspapers to the stores. Fluggie was the owner and editor of the Sleepy Hollow Gazette, the only paper in town.

  I had even gotten some of Sissy Phillips’s viewing room ready. Not completely, but some, which would let me have a little more time with Jack Henry instead of spending all night with poor Sissy before we stuck her six feet under. I had a couple hours left before I had to open the doors for Artie to view Jade. Mary Anna had assured me Jade would be fixed up and in front of the viewing room window long before that time, allowing me to jump in the hearse and pay Charlotte a quick visit without Granny.

  The fountain Arley had been working on earlier at Hardgrove’s was spewing bright pink water out of its jets. He was running around chasing after a cygnet, a baby swan. The closer he got, the more it flapped and squalled. He glanced my way. His arm lifted and he swiped it across the sweat that had beaded up on his forehead.

  I put the car in Park, smiled and waved. He groaned and dove for the resting cygnet, catching it in his grips. He held it high in the sky, pumping his hands in the air like he had just made the final winning shot at the NCAA basketball championship game.

  I shook my head and got out of the hearse. There were a few more cars in the parking lot and I was happy to see Charlotte’s was still there. When I walked in, I could hear some voices. Loud voices. And one of them was Charlotte’s.

  I walked in the direction of the echoing and escalating voices, stopping briefly when I noticed a painting on the wall that I hadn’t notice earlier. It was of Gina Marie Hardgrove and her two brothers. My stomach churned as I read the gold plaque: Hardgrove Family. It brought back the memories of those two boys following Charlotte around like lovesick puppies at some of the conventions our parents had taken us to.

  No wonder Gina Marie was the one to take over. Her brothers were too busy trying to mark Charlotte Rae as their property, telling her they were going to be the Funeral Kings of Kentucky and she could be the queen. They’d fed her lines that she could get a big ring like Gina. Maybe that was what had been in Charlotte’s head when we took over Eternal Slumber, but then she realized we were just a small town, homegrown funeral home and we really did just care about comforting the family in a time of need. I couldn’t help but wonder if she figured out we weren’t going to make the money she needed for the life she wanted.

  “Listen here, Charlotte,” Gina Marie spit out. “You better find that donation card because I am not going to make another insurance claim on your behalf. This is awfully suspicious.”

  Donation cards were not uncommon in the undertaker industry. Most of the time, the family would donate the deceased’s clothes or housing items the family didn’t want. Most funeral homes provided a donation card so the family didn’t have to worry about all the tedious things.

  “I’m telling you that I put the card in the file before they closed the casket.” Charlotte’s voice quivered. A tone I had never heard from her. “Ask Sammy.”

  “Maybe that is your problem. You are spending too much time with my brother on Hardgrove time and forgetting to finish the paperwork.”

  My ears perked up.

  “Sammy is married. He is off-limits. You have had your eye on him since you paraded around those conventions. When I hired you, I told him to stay far away from this location. And now he tells me he is leaving his wife, which will put a piece of Hardgrove’s hard-earned dollars in her hands. Something I cannot let happen. Does this have anything to do with you? Because I swear if it does, you’ll regret it! Plus, you need to sign off on those papers your crazy sister was flapping her lips about because you are in breach of contract.”

  That was it! It was bad enough she insulted Charlotte Rae by thinking Charlotte would lay down with that dog, Sammy Hardgrove, but to call me crazy. I’ll show her crazy.

  “Come on in, look around.” I bolted in Charlotte Rae’s office and talked to the empty space next to me like someone was there. “Can you believe this? Charlotte Rae has moved up in the world. And you can stay here with her.” I let out a crazy cackle in the air. My mouth slammed shut and my eyes grew big like I was nuts. “Oops. Did I just say that out loud?” I rolled my finger around my ear. “Forgive me, I have the ‘Funeral Trauma’ and I forgot to take my little pill from Doc Clyde.”

  If Gina Marie was going to call me crazy, I was going to embrace it and parade it around.

  “Emma, what are you doing back here?” Charlotte Rae’s eyes were red around the rim, matching her hair. I stood there like a good crazy girl and looked between her and Gina. “I’m sorry, Gina. Can I have a few minutes with my sister?”

  “Make it fast or you will be riding back to Sleepy Hollow in that broke-down hearse with her.” Gina flipped around and stomped out of the room.

  “What a biiitch,” I groaned when the door was safely shut behind me.

  “Shut up, Emma,” Charlotte whispered, rushing over to the shut door and putting her ear up. “She’s out there listening,” she mouthed, pointing to the door.

  “Sammy? Sammy Hardgrove?” I asked when she gave me the thumbs-up to talk freely. “Seriously? He’s so crooked, you can’t tell by his tracks if he’s coming or going.”

  “No one knows.” She shrugged and wiped the tears from her face. “I thought no one knew.” She shook her head and walked over to the window. She crossed her arms and stared out the window. “I just think I need time to adjust.”

  “Time to adjust? You have been here a few months and I really need for you to sign those papers.” The envelope was still sitting on her desk. I picked them up and walked over to her. I held them out. “Charlotte. Why are you pushing back on me over a decision you made? It’s been like this all our lives. You always put your needs first and I let you. I’m done with this. Sign the papers.”

  “I will.” Charlotte growled and she jerked the envelope out of my hand and ripped it in half, throwing it on the ground.

  “Oh my God, Charlotte, you deserve everything this nasty place does to you! You are dumber than a bag full of hammers.” I shook my head. “Granny will die when I tell her about this!” I bent down and picked up the ripped-in-half envelope. “You will hear from my lawyer!”

  “Lawyer?” Slowly she turned around, and a devilish look came into her eyes. “You mean Ruby Rose, who got his degree online?” An
evil laugh escaped her. “Besides, Sammy loves me. He has always loved me. And he is going to prove it.”

  “People think I’m crazy? Boy, do they have the wrong sister!” I jerked the door handle open and stomped out.

  I couldn’t help but notice Gina Marie was consoling a woman in one of the fancy sitting rooms. I curled my fist and crunched the envelope in my grasp. Even though I was mad at Charlotte, Gina Marie talking to her like that didn’t sit well in my soul. I wasn’t sure who I was mad at more: Charlotte Rae or Gina Marie.

  Either way, I didn’t have any more time to devote to Charlotte Rae. She’d taken up way too much of my time and I had a funeral to put on.

  On the way back into Sleepy Hollow I planned on making a pit stop at the cemetery to make sure John Howard Lloyd, my grave digger—among many other hats he wore around the funeral home—had dug the hole an extra foot. Artie insisted Jade be buried at least seven feet under the earth instead of six. Something about if it ever flooded, which to my knowledge had never happened in Sleepy Hollow.

  He had bought plots next to each other in the newer part of the cemetery where I had marked a plot off for me and Charlotte Rae. Was Charlotte planning on changing her pre-need arrangements, I wondered as the hearse took the curves back to Sleepy Hollow. Surely to goodness Hardgrove’s had some sort of employee plan like we did. Why would Charlotte want to be buried without family around? Then again, why wouldn’t she? All of our people laid in peaceful rest at Sleepy Hollow Cemetery.

  The sign for the Buy-N-Fly off in the distance made my taste buds tingle for a Big Gulp Diet Coke. I jerked the hearse a hard right into the parking lot, barely missing Everett Atwood, who was pumping gas, and completely missed hitting the orange-and-white-striped tabby cat that had run out in front of me. Everett wrenched back, and the gas nozzle sprayed gas all over Beulah Paige Bellefry’s bright red Cadillac. My face scrunched up and an audible groan escaped me.

  “Emma Lee Raines!” Beulah Paige spat out of her pink lips. She lifted her fist in the air and ran over to me. She beat that fist on my window. “Are you crazy? That gas better wipe off and not take the paint off my car or Eternal Slumber will be buying me a brand-new Caddy!” She stuck her fist in the air.

  “Did you want me to kill the cat that ran right in front of me?” I pointed in the direction where the feline I had swerved to miss had run off. I wasn’t in the business of burying animals. And I wasn’t going to start today. I got out of the car, ready to take my punishment from her.

  “You can bet your boots I’m going to document this!” She huffed and puffed up like a blowfish. Her fake lashes batted against her fake tan. She was the only woman I knew who stayed tan all year around and kept her hair as apple red as Granny’s. Her bright blue eyes pierced me.

  I tapped on her pocketbook that swung from the crook of her arm. “I bet you have a journal in there all about me, don’t you?”

  “You are crazy!” Beulah jerked the purse closer to her body. “Emma Lee! No wonder your sister left you high and dry.”

  She turned on the balls of her feet and trotted into the Buy-N-Fly.

  Beulah always had to get the last word in.

  It was best to keep my mouth shut.

  “Hi, Everett.” I did feel bad almost hitting him. “How’s your momma and them?”

  It was always polite manners to ask someone about their family, even if I wasn’t listening to the answer.

  “Everyone is good.” Everett continued to wipe down Beulah’s car. I stood there watching because I could feel Beulah Paige inside running her big mouth to everyone in there about me as she paid. “Did you say you saw a cat?”

  “Yeah.” I pointed to the wooded area next to the Buy-N-Fly. “It must’ve run off in there.”

  “I didn’t see no cat.” His face was clouded with uneasiness.

  “Huh.” I scratched my head and looked at him. “You didn’t?” I asked and watched his head slowly shake back and forth, his eyes never leaving mine.

  Suddenly I became increasingly uneasy under his scrutiny.

  “Well, it was there.” I wasn’t waiting for Beulah to come out. I wanted my drink and I wanted it now. With or without Beulah in there gossiping like she always did. Either way, I was going to have to face the music now or later. It would be all over town that I tried to kill her and Everett with my car. Beulah was the gossip queen of Sleepy Hollow and she could pack a tale better than anyone I knew.

  “Weee-doggie, I’ve been dying for a Big Gulp,” I proclaimed as loud as I could when I stepped inside the Buy-N-Fly. “Burying dead people all day leaves you a little parched.” I slapped my lips open and closed a few times with some sound for dramatic effect.

  “See I told ya.” Beulah grabbed the pearls around her neck with one hand, guarding them as if I was going to jump her and steal them right off her. “Certifiably nuts.”

  “You don’t know diddly squat,” I grumbled under my breath at the Big Gulp counter, filling my cup up to the rim with the pebble ice that made the Diet Coke good and cold. Exactly the way I liked it.

  By the time I made it up to the counter to pay, Beulah had hightailed it out of there.

  I wish I would’ve thought to get John Howard Lloyd a drink because when I finally made it to the Sleepy Hollow Cemetery, he was pouring sweat from digging Jade’s seven-foot-deep grave plot.

  “I wish you would use the backhoe,” I said when I approached him.

  “Nah.” John Howard stopped briefly. He leaned on the shovel with one arm and took his hat off, wiping the sweat away from his wiry hairline with his forearm. “I’m ’bout done. Plus, it keeps me in shape for softball.”

  “That’s right. When is the next game?” I asked about the new softball league that had started back up in Sleepy Hollow.

  He shrugged. He was a man of few words.

  For years there were teams but it seemed to fade away a while back; but a few months ago John Howard asked me if Eternal Slumber would help sponsor a team and I was game. Especially since Jack Henry was on the team and I loved seeing those tight baseball pants on him.

  “Arley Burgin looks like he’s practicing sliding on base.” I chuckled to myself. John Howard looked confused. “I saw him this morning diving after a bird to put in the fountain in front of Hardgrove’s.”

  He shook his head.

  “Are you doing okay?” I asked.

  “Sure am, why?”

  “I was on my way back to the funeral home and wanted to make sure the final arrangements were all set for Jade’s service.” I had all the confidence in the world in John Howard. He never failed me.

  “You know”—he adjusted his hat before he grabbed the shovel—“I sure am glad you are in charge and Charlotte is gone.”

  “Is that right?” I asked, fishing for more information.

  “Yep.” He shook his head. “Arley said your sister is meaner than Gina Marie Hardgrove and he couldn’t stand the likes of her.” John Howard’s mouth thinned in displeasure. “Not that I mean any disrespect to anyone, but I sure wanted you to know how much I’m glad you are here. And business shows it too.”

  “Not if Beulah has anything to do with it,” I muttered, regretting how I had treated her a few minutes ago. At the time it was fun, but Granny would get wind of it from the Auxiliary women and fuss at me like I was ten years old. Marla Maria all but confirmed they had been gossiping about me when they’d seen me and Granny heading toward Lexington this morning.

  “Aw, Miss Bellefry is harmless. She just likes to flap them lips of hers. She ain’t got nobody else to listen to her.” He winked and stuck the shovel back in the hole, digging a little deeper.

  Chapter 3

  Everything was looking good at the cemetery and John Howard had it all under control. It was time to make sure Jade was ready to walk her final catwalk in Sleepy Hollow.

  Granny’s scooter was chained around the tree on the front lawn of the funeral home. I loved Eternal Slumber. It was the prettiest building in Sleepy Hollow, eve
n though I might be a little biased.

  The large red brick, two-story home had a beautiful wraparound porch and large concrete steps up the front to the large leaded-glass, wood-framed doors. The wicker furniture on the porch had large comfy pillows that were so inviting. Most visitors in town didn’t realize it was a funeral home. They figured it to be a historic home to the area, but my family knew we were in the comforting business and wanted everyone to feel welcome and loved when they came to say goodbye to their loved ones.

  “Who in the world put all these flowers in this vestibule?” Granny stood in the middle of the open room when I walked in, surrounded by large floral arrangements. She picked up one that had a big birdhouse attached to it. “This here is from Mable Claire. Now you know she spent all of her social security check on this.” Granny tsked.

  It was not a secret that the bigger the arrangement sent to a funeral, the better off income-wise the sender was. Everyone tried to outdo everyone. Even with the repass food.

  “It was nice of her to send them.” I smiled at all the flowers.

  “I can’t believe the florist would just leave them in here like this.” Disappointment sat in Granny’s wrinkles. “You better let them know what is what around here because they obviously know you are in charge and they will run over you.”

  “Dottie and Marla Maria don’t really know the protocol, but I’ll give her a call and let her know for Sissy’s funeral.” I picked up an arrangement in each hand and carried them into the viewing room to set them around for the funeral service.

  “What do Dottie Kramer and Marla Maria Teater have to do with these?”

  “These are straight from Dottie’s farm.” I was happy to see Jade was laid out and ready to go. I picked up the blue carnation spray Marla had brought over earlier off the front row chairs and carried it over to the casket.