Grasping at Eternity (The Kindrily)

by Karen Amanda Hooper

  Through the glasses, the black sky appeared almost white. Every visible star was sepia toned with a halo of gold surrounding it, like specks of glowing dirt thrown onto a white screen. The real sky put the altered version to shame. That couldn’t be how Shiloh viewed the world, colorblind or not.

  I located my star and squinted, searching the space beside mine. I stared for over a minute then removed the glasses from my head.

  “Well?” Dylan asked, stroking his goatee. Amber stood on the front porch watching us.

  I shook my head. “Nothing.”

  Amber sighed.

  Dylan bowed his head. “I’m sorry. Carson thought—”

  “It’s done. Please don’t mention her star or those shoddy glasses to me ever again. What’s done is done, and I don’t need to keep being reminded that she’s gone.”

  “We were only trying to help,” Dylan said.

  “Imagine how horrible we feel.” Amber plugged in the Happy Halloween sign attached to her scarecrow’s hands. “She was killed at our wedding.”

  We had avoided this conversation for years, but apparently Amber was finally ready to discuss it.

  “We all were,” I said.

  “Nathan!” She threw a tiny pumpkin at me. “Thanks for making me feel worse.”

  Dylan clarified. “What he meant was, nine of us were killed on that beach. Maryah is the only one who chose to erase.”

  “Nine,” Amber repeated. “So then you don’t think they killed Gregory?”

  I hesitated, hiding the shiver that ran through me, but not from the cold. “No, I believe they wanted him for his ability.”

  Dylan lit a candle and set it inside a jack o’ lantern. “He’d never help them.”

  “No, he wouldn’t,” I agreed. “Not willingly.”

  Amber sat on the porch swing beside the scarecrow, fiddling with fake spider webs. “I can’t help wondering what if we all hadn’t been gathered in one place. What if Dylan and I hadn’t had our wedding on that island? We were trapped and unarmed. We didn’t stand a chance.”

  I remembered the scene like it was yesterday. Amber looked exquisite in her wedding gown. It had been only months since we last gathered, but Amber was disappointed when Anthony and Louise’s flight got cancelled. Edgar had a severe ear infection which prevented him from flying, so he and Helen were also unable to attend. In hindsight, it was a blessing the elders weren’t present. Anthony tortured himself with the scenarios that might have played out had he been there to use his ability. But “what if” is an awful game to play with oneself.

  “We had no idea they wanted any of us,” I said.

  Amber’s cheeks were sucked in, possibly from fighting back tears, or biting back the memories. “Dylan shakes me awake sometimes. He says I punch and scream in my sleep. Every time it’s been nightmares about the Nefariouns. The gunshots, the blood, the cracking of bones: like it’s happening all over again. Sometimes, I only hear screaming. You’re all screaming, fighting for your lives, but I can’t get to anyone.”

  Dylan wrapped his arms around her. I remained silent, not knowing how to ease the heaviness of her grief or guilt.

  “And Gregory,” she choked on his name. “I keep seeing him there, chained to that tree, having to hear it all—even the horrible things none of us could.”

  “I’m sure he blocked it all out,” Dylan said.

  “No.” Amber shook her head. “Not with all of us in danger. Especially Harmony and Carson. He probably kept his mind open to hear everything. Every fear, plea, and terrified thought running through our heads.”

  I sat down on the porch steps with my back to them. I couldn’t tell them what I’d seen, what I knew. I couldn’t tell anyone. As guilty as I felt for keeping such a grave secret, I had to. Our kindrily couldn’t handle additional devastation.

  “Speaking of Carson,” I said. “What have you two decided about spending more time with him?”

  The swing creaked then Amber moved into my peripheral vision and leaned against the porch railing. “Of course we will. It’s easy to forget how hard the first few rounds of life were. And Carson, with no soul mate. I can’t imagine how hard that must be.”

  Her hand darted to her mouth when she finished her sentence. “I’m sorry, Nathan. I can’t believe I just said that.”

  I waved it off. “It’s fine. I know what you meant.”

  She sat down beside me. “Dylan has been talking to Carson on the phone every night. We’re going to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with him. And I’m going to face my guilt and spend time with Maryah as if we’ve never met.”

  “You haven’t met. She’s not the soul we knew. She’s a stranger.”

  Amber sighed and rested her head on my shoulder. “Are you still determined to stay away from her?”

  “Maryah has forever forsaken us. I can’t keep tormenting myself with impossible hopes of a miracle.”

  “You can’t give up on her,” Dylan said. “It’s only been a few months. You have to believe. If you of all people don’t believe in her, she doesn’t stand a chance.”

  “Tell me, Dylan, are you the one laden with heavy, burdensome chains every day and night? Do you curse the sun every time it sets from the sky because if you sleep you’ll dream of love only to have it vanish when you wake? Are you scared to blink your eyes because the image of your twin flame floods you with insufferable pain?”

  He bowed his head and looked away from me.

  “No,” I continued. “You can’t comprehend that anguish such as mine never receives a reprieve. Your soul mate stands beside you. Imagine looking into Amber’s eyes and seeing that she erased every memory of you. You can’t even imagine the torture.”

  Amber squeezed my hand and allowed a few moments of silence to pass before continuing the debate. “She’s shown hints of remembering. What if there’s an exception to the rule?”

  “Glitches in her brain? Fleeting moments of déjà vu? Hypnosis-induced remnants of our former lives together? Those are the only exceptions. Is that what I’m supposed to be hoping for? Is that what all of you are fighting for?”

  “It’s better than nothing at all.”

  Dylan squatted down in front of us. “Maybe the soul is like a computer’s hard drive. If files or information exist long enough, and are embedded deeply enough, traces of supposedly deleted information still remains. The imprint is too strong to disappear. Maryah’s history and memories run extremely long and deep. She may still have memories imbedded in her soul.”

  “You’re comparing her to a machine?”

  Dylan smirked. “Edgar is always saying how the Akashic Records are now referred to as a universal supercomputer. It’s a sign of the times. Maybe the soul can advance like technology.”

  I didn’t want to admit to the tug-of-war between hope and hopelessness going on inside of me. “I’m determined to keep Maryah safe. Part of that is keeping my distance from her. The other part is finding Dedrick and making sure his hunt is over. Marcus and some members of another kindrily have agreed to help me.”

  “Dylan and I could help.”

  My patience had worn thin. “No. I want everyone from our kindrily to stay together in case the Nefariouns figure out who and where Maryah is. I’ll be here within seconds if you need me.”

  “You being away so much makes me nervous,” Amber said. “Promise me you’re not on a mission to die and erase, and that you’ll be careful over there.”

  “I'm not on a mission to die, and I promise I’ll be careful.”

  I glanced at the sky where Maryah’s star used to be—wishing harder than ever that Carson’s glasses had revealed a miracle. I made a promise to myself that I’d do whatever it took to keep Dedrick away from Maryah, and that promise trumped the one I had made to Amber.

  THANKING THE HEAVENS

  Maryah

  April sniffed again and cleared her throat. “Thanksgiving doesn’t even feel like a holiday this year. How can I be thankful for anything when my mom is fightin
g for her life?”

  I pressed my cheek against my phone, wishing I could reach through the line and hug her and tell her to be thankful she still had her mom, that even if—God forbid—her mom did die, she still had time to tell her how much she loved her. She’d have a chance to say goodbye. I’d give anything to have had that. But instead, all I said was, “I’m so sorry.”

  “Let’s talk about something else. How are you? Any updates on Nut Job?”

  “Yesterday, Louise dropped a bomb that Dylan and his wife were coming to stay for Thanksgiving. I figured Nathan would come too, but thankfully he’s spending the weekend with friends.”

  “There.” April chuckled. “Something to be thankful for.”

  Louise came into the kitchen.

  “I should get going,” I said. “Try to enjoy your holiday.”

  “Yeah.” April seemed to perk up a little. “River’s coming over later, so there’s one bright spot in my life.”

  My stomach tightened. River had been getting more frustrated with their relationship, but I swore not to tell April. It would only hurt her, and that's the last thing she needed. “Good. You two have fun and try to forget about reality for a while.”

  As soon as we hung up, I heard the front door open. A gray lab galloped into the kitchen with its tail wagging and sniffed my feet and legs.

  “Hello!” a female voice called out.

  “We’re in the kitchen!” Louise replied.

  A fairly tall girl came around the corner smiling. A flower tucked behind her ear complimented the red highlights in her curly brown hair.

  “I brought you homegrown Plumeria!” She set down a basket of colorful flowers and hugged Louise.

  “Maryah,” Louise said. “This is Dylan’s wife, Amber.”

  Amber turned to face me, but I couldn’t gauge her impression because of her dark tortoise shell sunglasses.

  “Aloha, Maryah,” she sighed.

  “Hi.”

  The gray dog sat proudly by Amber’s side looking up at her. “Oh right. This is Molokai.”

  Carson bounded into the kitchen. “Hey Amby! Where’s Dylan?”

  “He’s out front showing off his new car.”

  “Another one?” Louise asked.

  Carson headed for the foyer. “You coming, Maryah?”

  I thought for sure Carson would never speak to me again over the Nathan thing, but lately he’d been somewhat nice to me. “Sure,” I replied, hopping down from my stool. Any chance I got to make peace with Carson I took.

  Anthony was laughing as we approached the gate.

  The guy who had to be Dylan turned to Carson, beaming at the tropical blue Mustang convertible parked beside him. His goatee matched his short brown wavy hair. “Brand new GT Premium, not available to the public yet,” he bragged. “And it’s in Kona Blue, baby!”

  “I can’t believe you got them to name it that,” Carson laughed.

  “What do you think, Maryah?” Dylan threw his arm around my shoulder.

  No hello. No nice to meet you. Just bam, I was part of the family. I liked him already. “It’s awesome. You really named the color?”

  “Anthony has friends at Ford. I could have suggested Smurf Blue and they’d approve it. Want to take her for a spin?”

  “Me?” He’d known me all of ten seconds.

  “She drives like a dream,” Dylan insisted.

  “I probably shouldn’t.”

  “Come on, live a little!” Veins protruded out of his muscular forearms when he opened the driver’s door. A wave of dark orange seemed to crest across his hazel eyes. “You drive. Carson will ride shotgun as a safety precaution.”

  Excitement took over and I hopped into the driver’s seat. I inhaled the new car smell and Carson flashed me a reassuring smile. After carefully backing out of the driveway, I drove under five miles per hour on the narrow street that led out to 179. Once we were on the main road I loosened my grip on the steering wheel and glanced at Carson. “Your family has some serious connections, huh?”

  “First of all, they’re your family too. Secondly, it’s not so much our connections but our gifts that help us out.”

  “Gifts?”

  “Finally, she starts asking questions.” Carson lowered his sunglasses. “If a giant meteoroid fell from the sky and landed on our house, would you notice?”

  I stared ahead at the road. How the heck did we end up talking about meteoroids? “Um, yeah. I’d notice.”

  He laughed. “Are you sure?”

  “What do meteors have to do with anything?”

  “Forget it.” He pointed out the window. “That turtle is passing us. Let’s see what this car can do!”

  In my confusion I hesitated, but then shook off Carson’s random weirdness and pushed the gas pedal to the floor.

  ∞

  Helen, Louise, and Anthony made Thanksgiving dinner while everyone watched football. Amber yelled at the television even more frequently than the guys. Edgar put on an apron at halftime, and in-between prepping food he’d tickle Helen or dip her like they were ballroom dancing. She’d tell him to stop, but always said it with a giddy grin on her face.

  Even with his white hair, Edgar looked younger than I had pictured. He had been so quiet since our first meeting. The only words he’d actually spoken to me were, “Welcome home, Maryah.” And that had been weeks ago. On the rare occasions I did see him, he was either napping or had his nose buried in a book. I was shocked when he asked me to set the table.

  “Sure,” I said, jumping up from my seat.

  Carson and Dylan cleared away the extra dining room chairs, but left one extra. Were they hoping Nathan would show up? What if he wasn’t coming home because of me? Was I keeping a mother from spending Thanksgiving with her son? I knew the holidays would be hard for me, but this Nathan issue added a new degree of difficulty.

  I placed the last fork and knife on the table. When I looked up, Edgar was almost standing on top of me. He stared at me for an uncomfortably long time. My attention darted between his bifocals and leather loafers until he said, “It’s been too long since we have all gathered at this table.”

  I swallowed hard, trying to think of something to say, but all I came up with was, “Yup.”

  He grinned, mussed up my hair, and then called everyone into the dining room for dinner.

  Halfway through the meal, just when I had finally recovered from the awkward encounter with Edgar, Dylan stood up and tapped his fork against his glass.

  “Amber and I have an announcement.” Amber held his hand and blushed. “Amber is four months pregnant.”

  Happy cheers erupted around the table, but Louise looked like she already knew.

  Carson smiled through a mouthful of potatoes. “I’m gonna be an uncle!”

  They all looked so happy, so bonded. The way a family should be. The way my family had been, when I still had them.

  Everyone chatted about names and whether they hoped for a boy or girl, but I excused myself. I needed to call my aunt and uncle to arrange going home for Christmas break. Louise would never skip two major holidays with her son, and I didn’t want to be hanging around when Nathan—the maniac—came home to see his family.

  ∞

  “Happy Thanksgiving, Pudding,” Krista said sadly. She understood how rough the holidays would be for me.

  “Happy Thanksgiving.” I replied, trying not to sound gloomy.

  “How was your day with the family?”

  “Good. I met Dylan and his wife. He let me drive his Mustang.”

  “Awesome.”

  That was it? She had nothing else to say? “How are things in your world?”

  “Mom’s side of the family came over, so we’ve had a house full of people all day. Oh, and I have the most exciting news!” Her voice sprang up several octaves.

  I smiled at her contagious enthusiasm. “So, tell me already.”

  “Mom and Dad are taking me to Egypt for Christmas next month! Can you believe it? I’m going to vis
it the pyramids!”

  My smile fizzled. Krista had always been fascinated with Egypt. This was a dream come true for her, but the greedy part of me was devastated. They were leaving the country for my first Christmas without my parents and Mikey? Had they not even considered that I’d want to spend the holidays with them? Talk about out of sight out of mind! How could they do this to me?

  “I’m looking through my Egypt books and planning all the places I need to see.”

  I couldn’t ruin Krista’s moment, so I faked excitement. “That’s amazing. Make sure to take pictures.”

  “Definitely!”

  It wasn’t Krista’s fault that my aunt and uncle didn’t consider I might want to come home for Christmas. I felt bad making up a lie, but if I kept talking she’d know I was upset. “Louise needs me for something so I have to go, but tell everyone I said Happy Thanksgiving.”

  “Okay. I will. Love you and miss you.”

  “You too.” I hung up the phone, stood on my bed, and ripped down Krista’s photo.

  ∞

  A dark-haired stranger slid my peacock ring on my finger then kissed me. His warm breath against my ear, ocean waves, and ukulele music faded away as my dream of being on a tropical island dissolved into the sunlight pouring through my bedroom windows.

  My dream catcher swayed above me. It looked lonely without Krista’s photo hanging next to it, but whatever. She was obviously doing just fine without me. I’d do the same.

  A delicious, sweet smell made my mouth water, so I climbed out of bed and made my way to the kitchen.

  “Just in time!” Amber stood over the stove, wearing a flowered apron and a luminous smile.

  Dylan swallowed his food. “Morning, Maryah.”

  “It smells amazing in here,” I said.

  “It’s our Black Friday tradition, macadamia nut pancakes and fresh pineapple.” Amber handed me a plate. “Homemade macadamia butter is on the table.”

  Molokai barked as the front door opened.