Grasping at Eternity (The Kindrily)

by Karen Amanda Hooper

  “I just think they had a lot of nerve,” I huffed. “Acting like they were so perfect.”

  “All parents want to give their children the best life possible. Right now you don’t understand how tough it is to be a parent, but maybe someday you will. Let me ask you, do you live each day for your future children? Before every decision or action, do you stop and ask yourself, ‘how will this affect my son or daughter?’”

  “I don’t even know if I’ll have children.”

  “Exactly, because you’re living your life for you right now. You aren’t worrying that what you do today will be judged by your children. A time of consequence for every action we take is inevitable, yet we don’t give it much thought because it seems so far away in the present moment. No one is perfect. I’m not sure how the theory came to fruition that parents should be an exception to that rule. All souls have some light and dark in them. Think of how freeing it would be if you could turn to the people you love and say, ‘I’m not perfect. I never will be. I’ve made mistakes and some of them I’m very sorry for, but every choice, every experience, is a lesson. It makes me who I am. I’m a work in progress and I’m doing the best I can.’”

  Louise was right. My parents had been teenagers. They had peer pressure and lessons to learn just like I did. I took a deep breath—somehow feeling lighter. “I’m glad you told me. It’s nice to know they weren’t perfect.”

  Louise squeezed my hand. “That’s what stories are for—to learn something.”

  “I guess every story can’t be rainbows and happy endings.”

  “Definitely not all rainbows, but happy endings are a matter of perception.” She looked at me over her glasses again. “Who knows if there is ever an end to our story?”

  ∞

  Being stuck at home on suspension meant I had plenty of time to do my schoolwork. Ms. Barby gave us an assignment on the meaning and history behind our name. My non-existent access to my family tree left me with limited information.

  I was in the kitchen, searching the Internet when Louise came home with groceries.

  “Louise, by any chance, do you know anything about my name?”

  “Sure I do. What would you like to know?”

  I helped her unpack bags. “Well, most websites say it means ‘star of the sea’, but that doesn’t fit me, so I was wondering if it had personal meaning behind it.”

  “Actually, I played a part in the selection of your name. Your mother came to me when she found out she was pregnant. She suspected she was having a boy.” Louise had a faraway grin on her face like she was picturing that moment in time. “She decided on Michael, but a few weeks later, the doctors informed her she was having twins.” She winked at me. “And one was a girl.”

  I was thrilled Louise knew this stuff. In some small way I felt reconnected to my family.

  “I asked if I could choose your name. We already had Dylan and Nathaniel by then, and Anthony and I weren’t planning on having more children. Your mother knew I had always wanted a girl, so she agreed to let me name you.”

  “You didn’t plan on having Carson?”

  “No. Carson was an unexpected surprise. But a pleasant one,” she added. “I chose the name Mary for you, and your mother liked it. However, on the day of your birth, she looked at you for the first time, and said you didn’t look like a Mary. She didn’t think it fit who you were. So she called you Maryah, but spelled it so my selection of Mary was within your name.”

  “Wow. I was almost a Mary. Why did you choose that name?”

  “Mary means beloved or wished for child, and that’s exactly what you were.”

  I held up a can of tuna before putting it in the pantry. “And now I’m a star of the sea. I sound like a brand of tuna fish.”

  Louise patted my back as she passed by me. “I think you have the best of both worlds. You are a beloved and wished for star of the sea.”

  “I am a Pisces. At least the water reference works.”

  Her faraway look returned. “Indeed, you are a water sign.”

  “Do you know what your name means?”

  She imitated a manly voice. “Louise means famous warrior or renowned fighter.”

  I giggled. “Boy, your parents sure got that one wrong, huh?”

  “What do you mean by that?”

  “I didn’t mean it in a bad way. It’s just you’re so sweet and loving. I couldn’t imagine you fighting with anyone.”

  She raised an eyebrow and tossed me a pack of paper towels. “I fought for you, didn’t I?”

  I tried to hide my sappy grin. She did fight for me, and I was glad she did.

  “Well, I have to call some clients,” she said. “I’ll leave you to your homework.”

  “Thank you for telling me that story.”

  “I have plenty more. All in due time.”

  I took my laptop to my room and relaxed in bed while I researched the rest of my family’s names. Michael meant the same thing on every website I looked at: He who resembles God. It worked. Mikey had it all, and many girls referred to him as a god over the past few years.

  My mother’s name, Sarah, meant “beautiful princess” on the first site I searched. My mother was exactly that. Though, for a second I wondered if she ever had a stripper name.

  I moved onto my father. Steven meant “crowned one.” The genius of it made me smile. A crowned prince and his beautiful princess just like a fairytale. I thought about my parent’s fairytale love continuing in another time and place. I smiled even bigger, realizing I still considered it a fairytale, even with the dark patches Louise revealed. They were imperfectly human, and I loved them even more because of it.

  I thought about calling Krista and telling her about my name, but with the time difference she’d already be asleep. Finding the meaning of her name wasn’t so easy. Some websites said it was derived from Christine, meaning “variant of Christ” but another definition said “anointed.” I’d heard the word before, but had no idea what it meant, so I looked up the definition:

  Anoint:

  1.To apply oil, ointment, or a similar substance to.

  2.To put oil on during a religious ceremony as a sign of sanctification or consecration.

  3.To choose by or as if by divine intervention.

  The first two definitions didn’t fit, but I liked the third option. I texted Krista, knowing she’d read it in the morning. Did u know u were chosen by divine intervention? Luv u.

  I drifted off to sleep, and it was no surprise that I dreamt about her, but Nathan was in the dream too.

  Krista sat on her bed with a shirtless Nathan in front of her. His lean muscles and broad shoulders were enough to make any girl drool, but Krista just sat behind him with her hands pressed against his back, talking casually.

  She had on old sweats that she refused to throw away even though they had holes in them. Her hair was a mess, but she didn’t seem to care that a half-naked hot guy was in her room. And she didn’t seem nervous, or even excited that she was rubbing his back. But that’s the thing about dreams. They rarely make sense.

  “You could do much better than him,” I said to her. “In real life he’s crazy.” Lately, I’d resorted to talking in my dreams. Not that anyone ever heard me, but it made me feel less like an invisible spectator.

  I stood, or hovered, or floated—or whatever it’s called in Dreamland—in front of Nathan. His eyes were closed but his face was relaxed. Krista’s eyes were closed too.

  “You’re all good,” she said. “Even the ligaments are healed.”

  Nathan put his shirt back on. “As always, thank you, Krista.”

  “No problem. I’m happy to help.”

  Of course. First, the bloody back dream and now Krista helps him feel better. That made sense considering she wanted to be a nurse so badly.

  “No pain in your hand at all?” she asked.

  He stood up and leaned against her dresser. “No. You did a splendid job as usual.”

  Kris reclined into her pi
llows and swung her knees from side to side. “I still can’t believe you punched him. Heck, I can’t believe Maryah got in a fight. What’s the world coming to?”

  Nathan’s lips curled upward and his shoulders bounced with an almost-laugh. “She’s always been a fighter.”

  Once again, we’d wandered into dream territory that made no sense. Me, a fighter? Ha.

  Nathan opened and closed his hand into a fist several times. “You’re sure there’s nothing romantic between her and River Malone?”

  She blew her nose and sniffled like she had a cold. “I’m one-hundred percent sure.”

  He nodded and let out a whoosh of breath. “There are several matters I need to take care of. I won’t be around much, but if you need me, or if she confides in you about…anything I should know, please call me.”

  “Will do.” Krista stood up and they hugged each other so lovingly that I almost felt uncomfortable watching. “She sent me a text tonight saying my name meant I was chosen by divine intervention.”

  He pulled back and smiled. “Sometimes she has no idea how close to the truth she is.”

  “I know. It’s freaky.”

  Freaky was right. I’d become a master of blending real life with my freakishly weird dreams. Krista and Nathan said they loved each other. That was the last straw. I couldn’t handle anymore. One hard pinch of my wrist and I was out of there.

  RIVER DANCING

  Maryah

  River made his way through the groups of gawking girls and greeted me with a haughty smile. “Let’s ditch today.”

  “No way. I don’t need another suspension.”

  “Fine, Miss Goody-two-shoes.” Once we were in class, he put his arm around the back of my chair. “You weren’t here when we discussed our name assignment, but I researched yours.”

  “So you know I’m destined to start my own tuna company?”

  River snickered. “You’re a star of the sea, and my name has no hidden meaning. It makes sense.”

  “You lost me.”

  More of our classmates filtered in and took their seats. River leaned so close to me his lips brushed against my ear. “Every river finds its way to the sea. Maybe you’re the sea I was meant to find.”

  I threw my pen at him. “This is no time for jokes. In case you forgot, April challenged me to a boxing match. The last thing I need is people overhearing crap like that and thinking you’re serious.”

  I had spent both days of my suspension leaving April voicemails, sending her apology emails, and texting her. She didn’t reply to me at all. Not one word.

  Faith poked her head between us. “Guess what I discovered about your name, River?”

  He sat back and grinned. “What?”

  “Sometimes a river flows directly into the ground and dries up before it reaches a larger body of water.” Faith sounded all cheery like it wasn’t mean, but I shot her a dirty look.

  My evil eye must’ve looked like the work of an amateur compared to River’s. The bell rang and Faith danced to her seat.

  ∞

  I didn’t give up on April.

  Weeks passed but she didn’t come back to school at all. I still sent texts and emails, I’d even asked her other friends if she was okay, but they told me nothing.

  My biggest fear was that her mom may have gotten worse. Every morning I’d look through the obituaries, holding my breath until I confirmed her mom’s name wasn’t printed there. April did call River, but he didn’t answer, or call her back, and I wanted to strangle him for it.

  “You could at least find out if she’s okay, if her mom’s okay. Don’t you have a heart?”

  He kept bopping his head to the song on the radio as he cut off an SUV. Another reason I wanted to strangle him, he was a careless driver. “No good will come from us talking. She wants me to say I miss her, but I don’t. She’ll just get more depressed.”

  I sighed. His logic kind of made sense, but I was so worried about her and no one would tell me anything. Silence was the worst punishment in the world. It was even more torturous because I didn’t do anything wrong. I’d rather April just punch me in the face a few more times, and get out all of her misplaced anger so we could go back to being friends.

  River pulled into the lot of Barking Frog restaurant, and I climbed out of the Jag. For the first time since he picked me up, I noticed River’s outfit. Black slacks had replaced his usual dark jeans, and he wore a button down shirt instead of one of his rocker shirts.

  “Am I underdressed?” I glanced down at my jeans and sweatshirt.

  He held open the front door. “Nah, you’re fine.”

  The hostess asked for our name, and River told her we had reservations in front of the fireplace. Unlike our usual hangouts, the scene gave off a creepy romantic vibe.

  “What’s going on?” I asked, after the hostess seated us. “This seems a little much.”

  He grinned. “Happy Valentine’s Day.”

  “Valentine’s Day is tomorrow.” And what did a holiday about love have to do with River and me?

  “I know, but it’s Saturday night, so I figured we’d kick it off now and spend all day together tomorrow.” He set a black velvet box on the table.

  I laughed, thinking he was kidding, but he insisted I open it so I did. It was the diamond heart necklace from our shopping trip.

  “River, you bought this for April.”

  “No, I bought it for you. You assumed it was for April. I wanted to give it to you for Christmas, but figured I’d wait until I gave April the ax.”

  I stared at him in shock.

  He rocked back on two legs of his chair. “You said you liked it. It’s black and white, so it matches the haunted look you’ve got going on.”

  The room was too warm. I felt dizzy. “I don’t understand.”

  “Sometimes you are so oblivious. Wait right here.”

  He left the dining room and came back a few minutes later carrying a black vase filled with white roses, and his guitar. I just sat there, paralyzed with denial. No way River did all of this for me.

  He strummed his guitar while singing about two dark strangers joined by destiny, and how tragic roads led them to each other. It was slow, melodious, and haunting. People sitting at tables all around us stared with big grins, and a group of servers gathered across the room to watch. I was flabbergasted when he sang the last words “please be mine.”

  The whole place erupted into applause while River stared at me, waiting for a response. River wanted me to be his? The heat from the fireplace raised my body temperature a hundred degrees.

  “Are you on drugs?” I whispered. It seemed the only rational explanation.

  His face flushed and he glanced around the room, but thankfully, most people had returned to their meals or conversations. “Maryah, I like you. I know you feel the same way, so let’s squash this best buddy charade.”

  Sweat dripped down my back. Had he lost his mind? Guys didn’t like me that way. No guy had ever liked me that way. We were just friends. He was April’s boyfriend, or had been anyway. I could never do something so cruel to her. “I—I don’t know what to say. I need to go home.”

  “Are you kidding me? We haven’t even ordered yet.”

  I struggled to swallow. “I just—I need time to—it—I had no idea you felt this way.”

  “Seriously?” He looked astonished, genuinely astonished.

  “I swear.”

  “Wow, you’re more clueless than I thought. I guess it would be overwhelming. It’s not every day a rock star sings a ballad to you.”

  I pushed my chair away from the table, away from the seven-hundred-dollar necklace, the song, the roses, and River. All I could do was nod in agreement and bolt for the door. If I opened my mouth I was sure I’d throw up.

  HEART RACING

  Maryah

  Even after taking all night and most of the next day to process what happened, I was still in disbelief. River asked me to be his girlfriend. Most girls would be walking on clou
ds and showing off the necklace to anyone who’d look at it, but I couldn’t even try it on.

  My mother’s jewelry box sat on my dresser in front of me. Opening the lid and placing the necklace inside should’ve been easy, but as I reached for the wooden box, my skin prickled. I was scared to open it. Like it contained a dangerous secret, and if I unleashed it, my whole world would change. Don’t be stupid, Maryah. It’s just a jewelry box.

  My fear disappeared after I forced myself to lift the lid. Some necklaces, bracelets, a few pairs of earrings, and several rings, were neatly arranged on the red velour lining. I took out each item, imagining my mother wearing them.

  Tears ran down my cheeks. “Mom, I miss you so much.”

  I placed River’s necklace in the box. He told me to take all the time I needed, and I needed more time.

  Anthony and Louise were on a weekend getaway, and Faith and Shiloh were spending their Valentine’s Day doing couple stuff, but Carson and Dakota appeared in my doorway.

  “We’re about to go four-wheeling,” Carson said. “Want to come?”

  Normally, I would’ve declined out of fear I’d embarrass or hurt myself, but I needed a distraction from the River drama. “Sure, but I’ve never ridden a dirt bike before.”

  Dakota tossed me a racing jersey. “There’s nothing to it. You’ll have a blast.”

  “Meet us in the garage,” Carson said.

  I debated leaving my ring on, but didn’t want to get it dirty, so I placed it in my jewelry box then headed outside.

  Carson loaned me riding pants that were way too big, but I made do. I hopped on the back of his four-wheeler and the three of us rode out to a huge opening of paths and red-dirt hills.

  Carson popped a few wheelies and peeled around in circles several times, stirring up tornado clouds of dust, but I loved it. After a Riding 101 lesson from Carson, Dakota offered to let me ride his bike on my own.

  “You sure?” I asked.