Night Show

by Richard Laymon

  ‘At least till something better comes along.’

  ‘You are a creep!’

  ‘See?’ Jack said. ‘You’re already starting to plumb the depths of my being.’

  The waiter came and they both ordered ribs. When the meal came, Jack said, ‘Be messy. Don’t make me look bad.’ Dani found that she didn’t have to try. The juices and tangy sauce clung to her fingers, trickled down her chin. Fortunately, the table was well stocked with napkins. She used plenty, but Jack used more. She watched him, amused, as he swiped at his dripping mustache and beard.

  ‘You should feel honored,’ he said. ‘I wouldn’t humiliate myself, this way, in front of just anyone.’

  ‘You look like a bear in a honey jar.’

  ‘Please. It’s hard enough to maintain dignity eating bones without comparisons to Gentle Ben.’

  ‘I was thinking of Winnie the Pooh.’

  ‘Gasp. Groan. How could you?’

  When the stripped bones lay heaped on their plates, Jack said, ‘I’m gonna need soap and water. Back in a minute.’

  He left. Settling back in her chair, Dani looked around the restaurant. She saw waiters hurrying to crowded tables. She saw men gesturing at each other with forks, a late arrival greeting his companion with a shoulder slap, a hollow-cheeked beauty sipping wine at the table of two older men who talked vigorously and ignored her, a slick young man with an open shirt and gold necklaces, holding the hand of a girl who looked sixteen and awe-struck.

  The man seemed too earnest, a sure sign that he was handing out a line. The girl looked innocent. She would buy the line, whatever it might be, and probably live to regret it. She would lose some of that youth, that innocence. Next time around, she would be more cautious.

  But not too cautious, Dani hoped. You’ve got to take chances.

  Her stomach fluttered. Jack would be returning any minute. Dinner was nearly over. Then they would drive to her house, if only because Jack’s car was parked there. A great relief to just kiss him goodnight at the door, postpone the tense, wonderful time of intimacy. Perhaps they would both be better off waiting.

  But she knew it wouldn’t happen that way. Now that she’d found him, discovered the truth, she wanted him too much.

  They would go to her house and make love.

  She reached for her wine. The surface of the Sauvignon Blanc shimmered as she lifted the glass to her lips.

  ‘Danielle Larson?’

  Startled, she jerked her head to the right. A man on the sidewalk waved. Dani stared, trying to recognise him: tall, so skinny he looked as if his black turtleneck was all that held his bones together, hairless and pale. With his back to the lights of the street, however, shadows concealed the features of his face.

  He looked like no-one Dani knew, or wanted to know.

  But he’d called her name. She didn’t want to snub him, so she waved.

  He began to run toward her. Dani caught her breath. Goosebumps stiffened her skin. This is a put-on, she told herself. Nobody runs like that, on tiptoes, hunched over, arms up like a goddamn boogyman ready to grab a throat.

  It’s a joke.

  But he was plunging straight for the patio railing, straight for Dani.

  Someone screamed.

  Dani shot her chair back and leaped away. Her shoulder caught a passing man. He started to fall. Their feet tangled and Dani dropped onto him. ‘Geez. I’m sorry, I’m sorry,’ she muttered, scurrying off.

  ‘Quite all right. Any time.’

  She looked toward the railing. No sign of the intruder. But a crowd had gathered there as if everyone in the restaurant had raced over for a look at the phantom. They talked in a rush.

  ‘Some kind of nut.’

  ‘Run, you bastard!’ a man yelled.

  ‘Matters are coming to a pretty pass when one . . .’

  ‘Probably freaked out on Angel Dust.’

  ‘Certainly sparked things up.’

  ‘Where’s the manager?’

  As the commentary continued, Dani pushed herself to her feet. Her skirt was twisted awry, her green silk blouse untucked. She was trying to straighten herself when Jack came out. His mouth dropped open. She saw alarm on his face. It changed to relief when he spotted her. He eased his way through the throng of guests returning to their tables.

  Then he reached Dani and took hold of her shoulders. ‘You all right?’

  ‘I’m okay. Just a bit rumpled.’

  ‘What happened?’

  She shrugged. ‘I’m not really sure. Some guy on the sidewalk called my name and waved. Next thing I knew, he was running for the patio like a madman.’

  Jack frowned. ‘Did he say anything?’

  ‘I didn’t stick around to find out.’

  ‘But he was coming for you?’

  ‘Sure looked that way.’

  ‘Let’s get the hell out of here.’

  Against Dani’s protests, Jack paid the bill. On the sidewalk in front of the restaurant, she kissed him. ‘Thank you for the dinner. It was supposed to be my treat, you know.’

  ‘I’m a chauvinist.’

  ‘I’d better raise your salary.’

  ‘Feel free.’

  He took her hand and they headed for her car. Dani wished she hadn’t parked so far away. During her eight years in Los Angeles, she’d developed the habit of taking the first parking place within walking range of her goal. It saved her from crowded, expensive parking lots, from the intimidation of valet parking, from circling blocks in a frustrating search for an empty stretch of curb. Sometimes, the practice backfired. She would walk three blocks only to discover a parking space directly in front of her destination. Tonight, she wondered if the strange, skinny man might be lurking nearby, ready to spring out at them. The sanctuary of the car remained a block away, around the corner on Robertson Blvd.

  She held Jack’s hand more tightly.

  ‘It’s all right,’ he said.

  ‘I hope so.’

  ‘Do you have any idea who it might’ve been?’

  ‘Not the slightest.’

  ‘But he knew you. Did you tell anyone you’d be here tonight?’

  ‘Nobody,’ she said, and heard the quiet tread of footsteps from the rear.

  They both looked back. The lone man, far behind them, waddled along in a pale suit and Stetson, a cigar poking from his mouth.

  ‘That him?’

  Dani smiled with relief. ‘Not unless he’s a were-oaf.’

  ‘A were-oaf?’

  ‘By day, a cadaverous vegetarian. But when the full moon rises, a strange sensation grips his body. He pulses with throbbing corpulence. His clothes burst at the strain and he sags out, four hundred pounds of shimmering obesity, driven by an insatiable need to stalk the night in search of lasagne.’

  ‘Wow,’ Jack said, ‘you oughta run that by Roger.’

  ‘Yeah, he’d probably go for it. He went for Midnight Screams, didn’t he? Call it An American Were-oaf in Sardi’s.’

  ‘Or The Slobbering.’

  They rounded the corner, laughing, and Dani spotted her white VW Rabbit halfway up the block. She started to walk faster. Freeing her hand from Jack’s, she reached into her purse for the keys.

  Across the street, the brake lights of a car glared red. The car stopped.

  ‘Oh boy,’ Dani muttered.

  ‘Hope it’s not stopping for us,’ Jack said.

  The car was a black hearse. It didn’t move.

  ‘Maybe he needs directions to Forest Lawn.’

  ‘Funny,’ Dani said.

  The hearse began to creep along, keeping pace with them as they hurried to the Rabbit.

  ‘Want me to check?’ Jack asked.

  ‘No!’

  Dani rushed into the street and unlocked her door. She climbed in, jerked it shut, and locked it. Then she leaned across the passenger seat to unlock Jack’s side. As he lowered himself into the car, the hearse sped away.

  Dani twisted around to watch it. At the end of the block, it turned o
nto a sidestreet. ‘Well, it’s gone.’

  ‘For now,’ Jack said.

  ‘Bite your tongue.’ She started her car and pulled away from the curb, keeping her eyes on the rearview mirror. The road behind her was clear for a moment. Then headlights pushed into the intersection. The long, dark body of a car swung onto the road. ‘Oh shit,’ Dani muttered.

  Jack looked around. ‘Is it the hearse?’

  ‘I couldn’t tell for sure. I think so.’

  ‘Well, don’t worry.’

  ‘Tell that to my stomach.’

  ‘Don’t worry, stomach.’

  With a nervous laugh, she flicked her turn signal on. At least the traffic light was green; she wouldn’t have to stop and let the car catch up and find out, for sure, that it was the hearse.

  She made her turn, and the car vanished from her mirror. Speeding up Third Street, she continued to watch. The traffic light changed, and a line of waiting cars started through the intersection. Dani sighed as if given a reprieve. ‘That should hold him,’ she said.

  ‘It probably wasn’t the hearse, anyway. And if it was, there’s still no reason to think it’s following us.’

  As they passed Joe Allen, Dani’s eyes moved from the lighted, bustling patio to the deserted sidewalk where the stranger had called to her.

  Her scalp suddenly prickled. ‘It’s him,’ she whispered.

  ‘What?’

  ‘It’s him! I know it. The guy in the hearse, it’s the one who ran at me. He hung around, followed us to the car.’

  ‘No. Come on.’

  ‘Yes!’

  ‘Come on, this isn’t one of Roger’s splatter movies, it’s real life.’

  ‘I don’t care.’

  ‘It does make a difference, Dani. If we were characters in some damn thriller, I’d say sure, the nut hopped into his hearse, he’s gonna follow us and treat us to a nasty death – special make-up effects by Danielle Larson.’

  In the rearview mirror, the stream of cars was drawing closer.

  ‘But this is real life. The nut was probably just a harmless space case. The guy in the hearse probably just stopped on the road to get his bearings, figured out his mistake, and turned around to get on the right track. Two unrelated incidents.’

  ‘I hope you’re right,’ Dani said.

  ‘So do I,’ Jack looked over his shoulder. ‘There it is,’ he said without excitement.

  ‘Where?’

  ‘Second car back, in the other lane.’

  ‘What should I do?’

  ‘Just keep going,’ Jack said, and faced the front.

  ‘Toward home?’

  ‘He’ll probably turn off. Chances are that he’s not following us. Really. I can think of several times I was absolutely convinced cars were tailing me. They stayed back there, turn after turn. But nothing ever came of it. They just happened to be heading the same way.’

  ‘Yeah, I’ve gone through that too.’ She eased into the left-hand turn lane.

  Jack looked around.

  ‘Is it there?’

  ‘Afraid so. Just behind this Mercedes.’

  ‘Oh Jack.’

  ‘Everybody takes Crescent Heights from here.’

  Dani knew he was right. The road led directly into Laurel Canyon Boulevard, one of the few routes over the hills to the western side of the valley. The knowledge, however, didn’t ease her mind.

  ‘When do we decide he is following us?’ she asked. ‘Our next turn-off’s Asher. By then, it’ll be too late.’

  The signal changed, and she made her left turn.

  Jack was silent for a few moments. Then he said, ‘I think we’d better play it safe. We certainly don’t want to lead him to your door.’

  ‘That’s for sure.’

  ‘What’s the road before Asher?’

  ‘Dona Lola.’

  ‘Okay, take that instead. If he turns there, we’ll know.’

  ‘Then what?’

  ‘We’ll worry about that when it happens.’

  ‘Don’t you mean if it happens?’

  ‘Right, if.’

  They continued up Crescent Heights. Though Dani kept checking the rearview, there was always at least one car between them and the hearse. Jack, sitting sideways, had a better view and sometimes spotted it.

  ‘We’re coming up on Sunset,’ Dani finally said. She drove this route almost every day. Half the cars, she knew, would turn off at Sunset – a major boulevard and the last opportunity to leave Crescent Heights before it became Laurel Canyon and climbed into the hills.

  She drove through the intersection. ‘Is it . . .?’

  ‘Still with us.’

  ‘Oh shit.’ She wiped her sweaty hands on her skirts.

  ‘Just means he’s heading toward the valley like the rest of us.’

  ‘Yeah.’

  The narrow road led upward, twisting and banking, the darkness of the wooded hillsides unbroken except for an occasional window light.

  ‘Isn’t that store up ahead?’ Jack asked. ‘That old-fashioned country store?’

  Dani nodded.

  ‘Pull into its parking lot. But do it suddenly, if you can, and don’t signal.’

  ‘What if he pulls in?’

  ‘At least there should be some people around.’

  ‘Okay,’ Dani said. She didn’t want to do it, wished she had more time to prepare herself. Dona Lola was five minutes away, but seemed like the distant future compared to this.

  The road curved and she saw the well-lighted store standing among the trees. A man with a grocery bag was climbing down its wooden stairs. Half a dozen cars were parked in its lot.

  Jack was right. A good place to confront the hearse. Certainly better than the lonely darkness of Dona Lola Drive.

  She checked the mirror. The car behind her was a safe distance back. Suddenly, she jerked the steering wheel to the right. They hurtled into the parking lot and she hit the brakes.

  Twisting around, she gazed back at the cars on Laurel Canyon.

  The hearse sped by, along with the others.

  Dani slumped back in her seat and sighed. She felt exhausted.

  For a few moments, they sat in silence. Then Jack said, ‘Would you like me to drive the rest of the way?’

  ‘No, it’s all right. We’re almost there.’ She turned the car around, waited for a break in the traffic, then accelerated onto the road. ‘Anybody ever tell you you’re brilliant?’

  ‘Only my mother.’

  ‘Well, you are.’

  Jack smiled. ‘The guy probably wasn’t following us, anyway.’

  ‘Probably not,’ Dani said. ‘After all, this isn’t one of Roger’s splatter movies. This is real life. Hearses don’t tail you in real life.’

  ‘Right.’

  ‘Right.’

  She wanted to believe it, but couldn’t. She doubted if Jack really believed it, either. She wasn’t terribly surprised when, at the crest of the hill where Mulholland intersected Laurel Canyon, they came upon a black motionless shape on the road’s shoulder.

  The hearse.

  It had waited for them.

  It swung onto the road behind them.

  Dani wasn’t terribly surprised, but she wanted badly to scream.

  4

  SHE SWUNG onto Dona Lola. The hearse followed. ‘Now what?’

  ‘Stop the car,’ Jack said.

  ‘Here?’ The street was dark and deserted. A few cars were parked along the curbs, and light shone in the windows of nearby houses, but nobody moved about.

  ‘Let’s see what he does.’

  With a nod, Dani slowed the car, stopped it. She shifted to neutral and set the emergency brake.

  In the rearview mirror, she watched the hearse creep closer. A few yards behind them, it stopped. The driver was alone. His face was a dim blur, craters of darkness where his eyes should be. His head was hairless.

  ‘It’s him,’ Dani whispered. ‘The guy from the restaurant.’

  Jack looked through the back windo
w. ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘I think so.’

  The high beams of the hearse went on, shooting light into the car. It glared off the mirror. Squinting against the painful brightness, Dani shoved the mirror. It tipped upward, shining at the ceiling.

  Jack faced the front. ‘Obnoxious s.o.b.’

  ‘What does he want?’

  ‘Obviously, he wants to scare you.’

  ‘At least,’ Dani muttered.

  ‘You know, it might be a practical joke. Maybe someone hired this guy to throw a little fun into your life.’

  ‘It’s a prank?’

  ‘I wouldn’t rule it out. After all, look at the irony of it: the queen of horror effects pursued through the night by a creep in a hearse.’

  Dani nodded. ‘It could be someone’s idea of a joke.’

  ‘Someone with a rather cruel and tasteless sense of humor.’

  ‘Michael?’

  ‘What about your old friend, Al?’

  ‘My God, do you know what film he’s on now? The Undertaker.’

  Jack whistled. ‘I believe the mystery is solved.’

  ‘Not quite. How did he know we’d be at Joe Allen tonight?’

  ‘Could’ve followed us from the studio. He’d recognise your car, wouldn’t he?’

  ‘Sure.’

  ‘The weirdo didn’t show up till we were done eating. Al probably phoned, let him know where to find us, and the guy hustled on over.’

  ‘Al’s certainly capable of it,’ Dani said. ‘I wouldn’t put it past him, but . . . I don’t know.’

  ‘It’s the only solution that makes sense.’

  ‘Don’t!’ she cried as Jack pushed open the door.

  ‘I’ll be right back.’

  ‘Jack, for Godsake!’

  He flung the door shut and marched toward the hearse. Dani sprang from the car. She took a step toward the hearse, but fear hit her like an icy gale, forcing her backwards against the open door.

  ‘Jack, come on!’

  He tugged at the handle of the passenger door. The hearse rocked slightly.

  Then the driver’s door flew open. The man leaped out and ran at Dani, arms out, mouth agape.

  His pointed teeth, she knew at once, were plastic vampire fangs.

  A gag. It’s all a sick gag.

  Jack was charging past the front of the hearse, trying to head him off. But Dani saw that he wouldn’t make it.