Toxic

by Rachel Van Dyken

“Right. Big difference, awesome encouragement. Cousin of the year.” I groaned and leaned back against the couch. I was just getting comfortable when a pillow hit me in the face.

  Swearing a blue streak, I jumped to my feet.

  Wes held out the pillow and tilted his head. “Rough morning? Where’d you go anyways?”

  “Dude.” I croaked and just shook my head. Not him, not again. I was cracking.

  The door to the dorm opened, revealing a tuckered out Kiersten. She was sweating like crazy, so I could only assume Wes made her workout with him after our morning study session. Swear, they did everything together, practically lived together since they’d gotten engaged. I didn’t mind — correction I didn’t mind that much, but the PDA was getting a little tiring. Case in point — today at the coffee shop I probably escaped right before he swallowed her whole.

  “You look like someone just died,” Kiersten joked coming up alongside Wes and leaning against him.

  Damn. Perfect-looking couple. They’d have beautiful kids. Wow, I’ve completely lost my shit. Was I really thinking about them procreating? And getting emotional about it? Oh look, there’s something in my eye. A freaking tear. Hell, I needed to get out.

  “Hah.” My eyes narrowed. “Still too soon.”

  “Damn, no death jokes?” Wes laughed and pulled a sweaty Kiersten into his arms, attacking her mouth with such force that I, Gabe Hyde, slut of the year, felt like blushing.

  “Guys, not here by the food.” I pointed to the fruit on the table. “It’s weird.”

  “Making out next to bananas?” Wes pulled away from Kiersten. “Really, man? Coming from you? Seriously, what’s wrong with you?”

  The room fell silent. Great. Perfect. I shrugged and forced a smile. “Oh, you know, my demented cousin claims it’s a dry spell.”

  “Right.” Wes snapped his fingers. “I almost forgot about that fun little piece of information.”

  “For the last time!” I all but yelled. “It’s not a dry spell if it’s by choice!” I rarely yelled. Everyone stared at me like I’d just lost my shit. I was a lover not a fighter. The slutty flirt that slept with anything it could. The guy who could charm the pants off a federal judge. Yelling? Anger? Yeah… I bit my lower lip and scowled at the floor. Tick-tock, tick-tock. I really was losing it.

  “Right.” Wes’s eyes narrowed. “Hey, uh, Gabe, I need help with something. Can you come with me to my room real quick?”

  “Sure,” I said slowly, my eyes darting between him and Kiersten. She pretended to be totally oblivious to the tension between me and Wes.

  “See ya, at dinner, Wes.” She kissed his cheek and skipped into her room slamming the door behind her.

  “Use protection.” Lisa called after Wes and me once we reached the door.

  “Hilarious!” I yelled above her laughter.

  We walked in silence to Wes’s room. Why did I suddenly feel like I was about to get a dad lecture? I was sweating. What the hell!

  The elevator was silent as it made its way to the sixth floor. You could hear a pin drop. I followed Wes down the hall and finally into his room.

  Even though he’d gone through cancer treatments at the beginning of last year, they still allowed him to stay as Freshman RA, so at least I knew we wouldn’t have roommates barging in on us while he laid into me about raising my voice around girls.

  Once we were inside, he shut the door, locked it, and threw one of his footballs at my face.

  “Why?” I ducked. He threw another one. I barely caught it before it smashed into my nose. “What the hell, Wes!”

  “Finally!” He all but shouted. “A reaction. You’re like a freaking zombie. What gives? And don’t lie. Kiersten said you were acting weird this morning too.”

  I yawned, attempting to look bored, even though my palms were sweating something fierce. “Nothing, man, just school stuff.”

  “School stuff?” Wes repeated. “You really wanna go with that excuse?”

  “Drugs?” I offered.

  He snorted. “Yeah, right.”

  “Jackass.”

  “Whore.”

  “Wes—”

  “What?” He took a seat by his desk and crossed his arms. “What’s going on?”

  I didn’t spill my guts. I knew I owed him everything — hell, I felt like he practically saved my life when he almost died, he made me feel like living again. His strength was like gravity, pulling everyone within a fifty-mile radius into its center. You couldn’t help but want to be better when you were around him, and that was the problem.

  “I’m aging man, and we both know cancer can come back at any time.”

  “Seriously!” I threw the football back at his face. “This is what I’m talking about!”

  “What?” He caught the football and twirled it in the air. “Speak up, I can’t hear you.”

  I groaned into my hands, “You’re so damn perfect. It really is irritating as hell.”

  “Thanks.” He flashed a smile.

  “I’m serious.”

  “I know.”

  I groaned again.

  “Gabe—”

  I reached into my pocket — the locket was cold against my fingertips. “Have you ever messed up so bad that—”

  “That what?”

  I averted my gaze. “I just… you’re my best friend, don’t get me wrong, but I feel like you never do anything terrible. You’re smarter than most therapists, you have tons of money, you’re like a freaking god around this place… Oh right, and a walking miracle. Check all those off the list. I know life hasn’t been easy for you, but you don’t mess up, you roll with the punches and move on. I just wish I knew how to do that.”

  Wes laughed out loud. “Wow, a little freaked out that your opinion of me is that high. Do I really need to make a list of all the times I’ve screwed up in life?”

  “It would help,” I grumbled, crossing my arms.

  A few seconds of utter and complete silence went by. I didn’t mind though. Wes and I were like that. We didn’t always have to be talking or arguing or laughing. Sometimes silence was what I needed most and he knew that about me. He knew more than anyone — even Lisa. And I had a sneaking suspicion he knew every damn part I played was an act.

  “What’s really going on?”

  “The weight.” I cursed. “It’s wrapped around my legs, pulling me deeper into the darkest depths of the ocean and for once, I want to let it.”

  “Why?”

  My head snapped up. Wes’s eyes didn’t hold judgment, just concern. “Because I deserve to sink.”

  “Doesn’t everyone?”

  “No, you don’t get it.” I got up and started pacing. “You know how you always felt like nobody understood? Remember when you said you’d drink shitty coffee the rest of your life if you could just live? Remember all those talks about people just walking through life without a damn clue about your pain? Your journey?”

  Wes nodded.

  I started to sweat. I gripped the locket harder until it had to be making an imprint onto my fingertips. “How does a person deserve life?”

  “Trick question,” Wes answered softly. “We don’t.”

  My phone simultaneously buzzed and sounded in my pocket, interrupting our talk. It was my mom’s ringtone — she’d called at least five times in the last hour. I knew I should probably talk to her, but it just brought up too many bad memories. And, I was officially late for class.

  I stabbed at the ignore button and grimaced at Wes. “Listen, I gotta go. Can we talk later?”

  Wes waved me off. “Of course, just don’t go jumping off any buildings or sleeping with the entire swim team again and we’ll be good.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Later.”

  “And don’t forget Taco Tuesday!” he yelled as the door slammed shut behind me.

  Chapter Three

  My reflection was foreign… I didn’t even remember myself — the guy I was. I’d been living with that damn mask for so long that I’d completely lost it �
�� all of it. Thank God. —Gabe H.

  Gabe

  I made my way to class. It was a bit of a trek — UW was a huge school and on any other day I probably would have ridden my Harley, but I needed the walk. I could only hope it would clear my head.

  As I crossed the street, a prickling awareness wrapped itself around me. I stopped walking toward the business building and looked behind me. Nothing. Just people walking back and forth, talking, smoking, laughing — all of them in their own little worlds. I liked it that way. Really. I’d only had a few close calls over the course of the last few years, and now that I was graduating in a few months, I was almost home free.

  I’d wanted to go to school — I’d needed normal more than I’d needed money, excitement, all of it. My parents hadn’t understood. Then again, they didn’t understand anything that didn’t have to do with what they wanted for my life. How could they not get that the reason I almost died and ruined my life was because they wanted me to be something I wasn’t? I laughed out loud and stuffed my hands into my jeans pockets to caress the cool metal locket. Each year I’d gone back to LA with a different tattoo. The next more offensive than the last. When I pierced my nose I think my mom about had a heart attack. Dad all but disowned me.

  Pity. I would have liked to be disowned.

  Lisa always warned me not to push them too far — she was afraid I might be tattled on. All it would take would be for my dad to announce my secrets to the media and I’d be done for. The secrets? My past? Front page news. The life I’d built? Changed forever.

  I swallowed the fear and continued walking toward the building. Two months until school ended, and then I could start my own life, away from my family, away from the painful memories, and away from the man I used to be.

  I felt better once I stepped into the old building. Homework was something I could focus on… I might look like I was part of some punk rock band, but I had straight A’s for a reason. I needed to be successful in order to get the hell out from underneath my family’s grasp. I could almost feel their hands wrapping around my neck, choking the life out of me just like before.

  I jumped when my phone buzzed in my pocket. I quickly answered it and leaned against the wall, closing my eyes as my heart clattered against my chest.

  I needed to get it together — fast.

  “Hey!” Lisa said from the other line. “What’cha doin?”

  “Going to class like a good boy. Why? Are you in trouble?”

  Lisa rarely called me during the day unless she needed a ride… or food… or… Okay fine, so she called me all the time. It just felt lame that she was one of my only friends.

  “Nah.” She cleared her throat. “I, um, I just thought you should hear it from me.”

  “Hear it?” I repeated. “Hear what?”

  “My mom called.” She paused.

  “Lisa, what the hell? Just spit it out,” I growled, trying to sound annoyed, when really I was terrified of the news Lisa was going to tell me. I hated fear. It made me feel weak. And weakness was a close second on the list of things I never wanted to feel again.

  “Your father… he’s…” She took a deep breath then finished in a rush. “He’s gotten into some financial trouble… nothing huge. I mean, he can’t touch your trust found, but well, my mom talked to your mom, and she’s worried he’s going to sell your story to the media for money.”

  My heartbeat roared in my ears, adrenaline surged through my body as I looked wildly around me — for him, for cameras, for reporters. Shit, I was going to be sick. My hand started trembling so bad that the phone clamored against my ear. My entire body went cold. Shaking, I scanned the area again and stepped into the shadow of the building. “Sorry, Lisa. Thanks for letting me know, but I gotta go, I gotta—” I hung up and started running. I wasn’t even sure in what direction I was going. I could have hit a tree for all I cared. My legs pumped harder and harder as the cold air hit my face. I could still feel them chasing me. I could taste the blood in my mouth from biting my tongue.

  “Was it an accident?” the reporter asked. “You’re over eighteen. Do you think you’ll be held responsible?” She lifted the microphone in my face and waited.

  I looked around for help.

  No one.

  Who was I kidding? Nobody was going to help me. She was gone.

  “Um, no, no comment,” I stuttered.

  “Is that your answer for everything?” a male reporter fired out.

  I stared into his cold black eyes and nodded. “For now it is.”

  “Shit! Shit! Shit!” I ran my hands through my hair and slowed down as I made my way back toward the dorms. What the hell could I give him to keep him from going to press? I had money but couldn’t access all of it until I was twenty-two, which wasn’t for another four months. I got a monthly stipend of five grand a month. I could take my money out of all my investments but would that solve anything? Would he ever stop? I could give him everything I had, which was roughly ten mill, and he’d probably still find a way to spend it all and come after me. It wasn’t the money. I wasn’t stupid. I was his cash cow. He was still pissed I’d walked away.

  Funny. Dad hadn’t been upset that my squeaky clean image had been wrecked by drug usage, drinking, and the horror that followed. He was pissed that I’d run, that I’d given up what was, in his estimation, a gold mine.

  I jogged past my dorm.

  And jumped onto my old Harley. I needed out — an escape. Drugs were out of the question — which left only one thing.

  I rode as hard as I could toward the music building. My bike almost fell over as I parked it and ran up the stairs to one of the private rooms. Once inside I locked the door behind me, pulled the blinds down, and sat at the piano.

  My heart pounded in my chest as the ivory keys stared back at me — called to me.

  My addiction.

  Four years.

  I’d stayed away from the piano for four damn years.

  Not anymore.

  The bomb went off, the timer dinged, my hands caressed the piano. I groaned aloud and slumped onto the wooden bench, my body taking its natural position over the instrument.

  I wasn’t even sure I knew how to play anymore — how to sing — how to communicate what was eating up my soul — slowly poisoning me.

  But I had to try.

  The minute I pressed the keys, need poured out until my shaking hands were hovering over the piano, and before I could stop myself, I started playing. I played the songs of my teen years, and then finally — as if my hands couldn’t keep themselves from playing the melody — I played her song.

  A strange sort of madness washed over me as I pounded harder and harder. Maybe if I played hard enough she’d come back, maybe I’d get a re-do and the last four years would be nothing more than a horrible nightmare.

  I fought tears and then banged my hands across the piano as hard as I could. Cursing the past that was finally catching up to me.

  Tick-Tock, Tick-Tock, with each slam of my fingers the cadence in my chest quickened.

  I was so done.

  Part of me had known I couldn’t last this long.

  Hell, it was a miracle I’d been able to put on such a show to begin with — then again I was an incredible actor. I should have won an Oscar.

  My life was one big epic joke.

  Finally, like a piece of steel getting manipulated and bent — I broke. A tear rolled down my face and dripped onto the piano.

  My pointer finger slid over the tear as I wiped it from the ivory keys. Tears had never helped me. But sex? Hell, yeah. I was a freaking god with the right girl — most of the time with the wrong ones. And every conquest made me feel more godlike, impenetrable, stronger, able to withstand everything. Except it had really only been building a fortress around me. But in the moment, I could be everything I ever promised those girls — her — that I’d never really be. I could put away the fractured pieces of my heart and pretend like the past didn’t matter, only the moment. So I took each mo
ment with each girl for what it was, an opportunity to turn into what years ago would have been my worst nightmare.

  For a time. It worked.

  Because for a second I could believe I’d never been him to begin with. I was Gabe.

  The only problem?

  It wasn’t even my real name.

  Chapter Four

  Pretty sure using drumsticks to play the piano was frowned upon. —Saylor

  Saylor

  It was my last practice session before my schedule change. I hated that stupid Freshman Seminar class. Right now it was the bane of my existence! The only way I could keep my scholarship was to have a high grade point average, and that was the one class I’d been slacking in, but only because they didn’t take attendance, which meant I usually skipped in order to gain more practice time.

  Unfortunately, it also meant I had no idea what was going on and usually flew by the seat of my pants. Let’s just say the professor was less than impressed with my inability to get my butt into a chair, even when I told him it was because I was working hard in my core classes.

  Ugh. I meandered down the hall and paused. The practice room that I usually used was occupied. It wasn’t a big deal, but there was kind of an unspoken rule among music majors, if you were there every day for a year, and practiced at the same time — it was usually your slot. Anyone else was a dirty little poacher.

  Okay, so my feathers were ruffled but only a bit. I mean, whoever was playing had some serious issues if the loudness was any indication. Hopefully, they wouldn’t break the piano in the process of self discovery. Though, I probably wouldn’t have chosen Ashton Hyde music to do said discovering. Eight years ago maybe, but not so much right now.

  Geez, that music brought back way too many awkward dates, skate nights, and high school parties. All things I’d rather forget, considering I’d been the music nerd.

  I sighed and went to the room opposite from where the music was coming, when all of a sudden the notes took a drastic turn.

  A haunting melody floated into the air followed by cursing and then pounding on the keys of the piano. I took a few steps toward the room. The blinds were pulled. The pounding continued and then more cursing. Seriously, the dude needed anger management. I wasn’t sure if I should go down and talk to the head of the department about how someone was literally beating the crap out of one of their expensive pianos, or if I should just mind my own business.