Toxic

by Rachel Van Dyken

  “Tear.” I released a deep sigh “You only have one more to make up for.”

  “I thought that’s what all this kissing was for.” He teased.

  Laughing, I kissed him harder as his arms wrapped around me. He lifted me into the air and pushed me against the wall, assaulting my lips with such force that I let out a pitiful moan. And then another as his tongue twisted around mine, retreated and then pushed forward again. The guy could kiss. Seriously. Could. Kiss.

  My knees weakened as he pressed his hands to my stomach steadying me on my feet.

  “Gabe? Saylor?” My mom’s voice echoed down the hall.

  I sighed in frustration as Gabe pulled back and bestowed one more kiss on my mouth.

  “In here,” he called.

  Mom walked into the room, took one look at me, and stumbled a bit. Once she regained her posture, she cleared her throat. “The oxygen mask is helping her breathe during the day, the ventilator at night, but… Gabe, I don’t have a good feeling. Her coloring is very pale, and her face…” Mom sighed. “What I’m trying to say is, she’s transitioning. I can see it. I can feel it. She’s starting to go.”

  “Go?” Gabe croaked.

  “Gabe.” Mom reached out and grabbed his hand firmly in hers. “Kimmy’s dying, but you need to let her go. Do you understand? People… even in Kimmy’s case, they try to hold on. They hold on and it’s so very painful when they do. The best thing you can do for her is allow her to rest in peace. Give her permission not to be strong.”

  Gabe swayed on his feet. “I’ve been saying goodbye for years.”

  “Maybe this time…” Mom said wisely. “You should mean it.”

  Chapter Forty-Nine

  It was like the accident all over again. I felt powerless — until Saylor grabbed my hand and didn’t let go. I used her strength — I used all of it. And for once I didn’t feel guilty for needing someone else. She was my savior. —Gabe H.

  Gabe

  Saylor held my hand as we walked into the room. It was nearing midnight, so the room was blanketed in black.

  The only sound was that of the machine breathing for Princess, and the noises from her chest that would follow.

  The ventilator was attached via a tracheotomy so that she could still talk, but Princess had stopped talking two days ago.

  Now, she just stared at the ceiling, as if waiting for someone to call her home.

  “Princess?” I kept my voice quiet, kneeling in front of her bed. Grabbing her hand, I whispered, “Kimmy, sweetheart?”

  Her head turned, just enough so I could see the whites of her eyes. With a smile she nodded. “Tired, Ashton.”

  “I know, sweetie,” I croaked. “I know you are.”

  “Coughing.” She sighed, her chest rattling. “Hate this.”

  “I know.” Was that the only phrase I could speak? I squeezed her hand tighter even though I knew she couldn’t feel it.

  Her body was so broken that she couldn’t even feel my reassurance as I held on for dear life. And now her spirit was following that same body into heaven.

  “I love you,” my voice cracked as tears trickled down my face. “But sweetheart, sometimes, it’s okay to stop fighting.”

  “So tired,” she repeated.

  “A nap sounds good, doesn’t it?” I said hoarsely. “Wouldn’t that feel good, sweetheart? To take a nice, long nap?” My voice cracked as Saylor came up behind me, placing her hands on my shoulders.

  “Yes…” Princess said slowly. “Ashton, will you sing me to sleep…” Her eyes welled with tears. “One more time?”

  “Yeah,” I whispered through my tight throat “I can do that.”

  “And Ashton?” she pleaded, her voice so weak I was sick to my stomach.

  “What sweetheart?”

  “Thanks for being my best friend.” Her voice was so weak, it was hard to discern what she was saying.

  I nodded. I couldn’t talk. Whatever words were forming in my mind wouldn’t make sense. They’d come out as a pitiful sob.

  Without letting go of her hand, I leaned in and started to sing, while Tara went and slowly started pulling the equipment from Kimmy’s throat and body.

  “I love my Princess, my favorite girl. Every time I hear her laugh, I want to save the world — cause she’s my, my, my girl.” My voice cracked and wavered as my mind replayed images of our times together.

  Our first movie, her laugh, her smile, the way she kissed me, the love she gave me. The gift of her life was more than I’d ever deserve.

  I kept singing. “My girl, my girl, she’ll always be my girl, and when the tears fall from her eyes, I’ll swear to never let her cry… never alone, never without me, never without us together. My girl, her and I will rule forever. My girl. She’ll forever be my girl.”

  Princess smiled and closed her eyes.

  Her chest stopped moving.

  I knew she was gone — and I knew in that moment that God had received another princess into his arms. It happened so swiftly so beautifully that had I not been watching her face, I would have never known that she’d slipped away.

  A vision of Kimmy running through Heaven brought a sad smile to my face — she was gone. And she was finally whole.

  Chapter Fifty

  If I could take away his pain… If there was a way to transfer it from his soul onto mine. I would take it. Without hesitation I would take it all. Maybe that’s how you know you love someone. When you actually feel each tear they cry as if they were your own. When you feel each cut, each bruise, each hit as if you’re the one suffering. I bled for him. And in turn, he bled for her. Funny, how life comes full circle. —Saylor

  Saylor

  “She’s gone.” My mom said it softly, but it may as well have been a scream for as much as the announcement penetrated the room. “I’ll make the call to hospice.”

  Slowly, Gabe released Kimmy’s hand and stood. “I need to call her family, make an announcement, get the funeral arrangements—” He staggered, nearly collapsing on the floor.

  Without thought, I grabbed his hand and led him down the hall until we were in the music room.

  I closed the doors.

  I locked them.

  And led Gabe to the piano seat.

  “We’ll stay here…” I squeezed his hand. “…for as long as it takes.”

  “What?” His eyes were glassy with tears.

  “For as long as it takes for the sorrow and pain to transfer into acceptance. I’ll stay here. With you. By your side. I won’t leave.”

  “Promise?”

  “Vow.” I placed his hands gently on the piano. “I vow.”

  “I can’t.” Gabe’s hand were lifeless against the keys.

  With strength I didn’t even know I had within me, I put my hands over his and started playing. “Then let me play through you. Let me help you push through that pain until there’s nothing left.”

  Gabe hung his head and let me help him.

  Soon, his hands were gliding over the piano with such perfection, I was able to remove my own.

  Tears collided with his hands. The drops caused his fingers to sometimes slip as he moved from one song to another.

  Three hours we were in that room.

  The only noise was the music Gabe played. Some sad songs, some happy ones, but in the end, sometimes words can’t express what’s in your soul. And talking to Gabe about what he just went through? Seemed silly compared to letting him bare it all to me with his music.

  When the last note ended, Gabe stood.

  I was sitting on the floor against the wall.

  He walked over to me and dropped to his knees staring into my eyes for what felt like an eternity. Then he took my hands in his and pulled me to his chest. “I love you. If you remember nothing else for the rest of your life, if you fall and hit your head and can’t remember my name, if you get so sick you’re unrecognizable, if you hate me, if you’re on your deathbed and can’t manage to even lift a finger — remember this. I. Love. You.
Always. Forever. Eternally. Is that kind of love something you can handle, Saylor?”

  “I already am.” I choked back the tears. “I love you too.”

  The room fell silent, only our ragged breathing kept me aware that time was passing. That it wasn’t a dream.

  “Come on.” Gabe got up and held out his hand. “It’s a new day.”

  I smiled and gripped his hand with mine. “It’s a new beginning.”

  “That…” Gabe smiled and kissed my head. “It is.”

  Chapter Fifty-One

  Death and love are the only two things that exist in this world that are strong enough to alter the course of your life, of your destiny. They either propel you or paralyze you. In the end, the choice is always yours. —Wes M.

  Gabe

  The funeral was over with before I even realized it started. I got up to say a few words and almost cracked. Then Saylor smiled.

  And I was able to finish the eulogy.

  I sang her song.

  It was bittersweet. When I’d written her that song it had been during a time in my life when things were still so innocent. When she was still Kimmy to me, when I thought I would spend the rest of my existence in her arms.

  If there was anything I learned in this situation it was that we weren’t promised anything. All we had was moments strung together. Each one is over in a blink of an eye. I’d understood this to an extent when Wes went through his surgery. God, I’d been so bitter about that. So angry because it hit so close to home. Because I’d known I was doing a crappy job of pushing away my demons.

  But now? Now I just wanted to do right.

  And doing right started with Saylor.

  “Hey,” Saylor walked up and gave me a hug. We walked hand in hand out of the church. Oddly enough reporters had respected my wishes and laid off a bit. There were still cameras but the buzz felt different, as if they were mourning right along with me.

  “You wanna go somewhere with me?” I asked.

  Saylor shrugged. “Are you sure you’re up for it?”

  “Yeah.” I nodded, feeling the corners of my mouth turn up in a smile. “I really am.”

  “‘Kay.” She squeezed my hand.

  We said our goodbyes to Lisa, Wes, and Kiersten, and drove in silence down I5.

  “Where are we going?” she asked.

  “It’s a surprise.” I laughed. I actually laughed. Damn, it felt good. My hands were sweaty as I gripped the steering wheel and drove into downtown.

  It was crowded for a Wednesday afternoon.

  Saylor was silent as I parked as close to Pike Place Market as I could.

  “Come on.” I laughed again and slammed the door. A smile formed at her lips as she grabbed my hand and giggled a bit.

  My heart hammered in my chest as we ran down the streets. What started as brisk walking turned into a full out run. I had no idea why. It just felt — necessary.

  Once we reached the bottom of the hill right in front of Pike’s Market. I held up my hand and went over to the spot.

  “Fish.” I pointed to the sign. “Our first date was fish.”

  Saylor burst out laughing. “So are you saying every date from here on out is going to involve fish?”

  “Only the important ones.” I winked and went up to the guys working the seafood for the morning. “I need salmon, a big-assed salmon.”

  The guy nodded. “Alright, you ready for it?”

  “Oh…” I held up my hands. “I’m not catching it. She is.” I pointed to Saylor.

  She gaped. “What if I drop dinner?” She held up her hands.

  “Chill, Nemo’s not alive.” I winked. “Better get ready, Saylor, becauase they throw hard.”

  The guys started counting. “One—”

  “Ahhh!” Saylor clapped her hands and gave me a panicked look.

  “Two!” I joined in.

  “Oh, my gosh!”

  “Three!” The man threw the fish.

  Screaming, Saylor closed her eyes but still managed to catch the giant fish.

  Cheers erupted from the crowd as Saylor lifted the fish in triumph. “I did it!”

  “I knew you could.” I kissed her temple.

  “Are we really eating all this fish?”

  “Maybe not all of it.” I shrugged and offered a wink. “Unless you’ve suddenly developed the appetite of an NFL lineman.”

  “Hey!” Saylor nudged me with her body. “You said you’d love me regardless…”

  “Truth.” I nodded and pointed at her. “That’s the truth.”

  “So the fish?” She lifted it in the air.

  “Oh no, you can keep it.” I patted her head in teasing. “We’re going to cook it tonight, and I’m going to make good on my promise to strike out the very last tear.”

  “How do you expect to do that?” Saylor’s shoulders lifted. “By feeding me?”

  “You’ll see.” I rubbed my hands together. “Now, let me go pay for Nemo before we go back home.”

  “Your car’s going to smell!” she called after me.

  “So will your hands!” I fired back.

  Her eyes narrowed.

  By the time I paid for the fish and helped her carry it up the hill and place it in the car, my stomach was already growling for food.

  “Hey, you do know how to cook salmon, right?” Saylor asked once we walked into the house that I was hoping, praying, she’d still want me after I said what I was going to say.

  “What?” I dropped my keys onto the counter. “You mean, you can’t cook?” I threw my hands up in the air. “How can you even call yourself a woman? What have I gotten myself into! I’m going to starve!”

  Saylor crossed her arms over her chest. “You done yet?”

  “Make me food, woman.”

  “So here’s the line.” Saylor made a motion with her hands. “You just jumped over it then burnt the village on the other side.”

  “Aw…” I winked. “I can cook, but I am bit sad I won’t get to see you in some apron, sweating over the stove looking all hot and bothered.”

  “Because cooking does that to women.” Saylor nodded. “We also have pillow fights in our thongs and look forward to doing laundry.”

  Laughter bubbled out of me before I could stop it.

  She hit me again.

  “Stop hitting me.” I stepped away. “And be useful.”

  “Useful?” she repeated, her eyes narrowing again.

  “I’m cooking in my boxers.” I shrugged. “So I need you to get me an apron, just in case Nemo decides to come back to life and tries to nibble off Gabe Jr.”

  Saylor closed her eyes, then opened them. “So many, many, things…” She opened five drawers before she found the apron. “…wrong with you.”

  Keeping my eyes locked with hers and feeling no shame whatsoever, I peeled off my button up and stepped out of my pants.

  Saylor’s mouth dropped open a bit.

  “You were saying?”

  “Stop flexing.”

  “I’m not.”

  “Damn it!” She stomped her foot.

  “Apron?” I held out my hand, palm up and waited.

  Saylor’s eyes ate me alive as she examined me from head to toe. “No.” She hid the apron behind her back. “I think you should take your chances with Nemo. Prove you’re a man and all that.”

  “Wow.” I teased. “I didn’t know it was up for questioning.”

  “What?” her head jerked up.

  “My manhood.” I grinned. Saylor’s cheeks went bright red. “You know I could always cook naked.”

  She swallowed… slowly. “Oh?”

  “Keep your pants on.” I winked. “I kind of want to savor the moment when I’m with you for the first time, and I really don’t want you to be covered in fish.”

  She exhaled a long breath as her eyes once again greedily took me in from head to toe.

  “Now, honey… I could go for some honey dripped all over your body.” I stalked toward her. “Or maybe even some chocolate.�
�� Leaning in, almost touching her, I nipped at her lower lip. “Right here.” I traced the line of her face and then moved my finger down her neck to her chest. “Or some whipped cream, right here.” I licked the hollow valley between her breasts and sighed happily.

  “I forgot.” Her chest heaved.

  “What?”

  “How dangerous you are,” she breathed.

  “And now?” My mouth sucked the skin just below her left ear. I moved up until my lips tugged at her ear. “Now what?”

  “What?” She arched toward me. “I forgot the question.”

  “Fish,” I whispered in her ear. “We have to cook the fish, and then — maybe — I’ll show you what I mean.” I stepped away from her body, feeling cold, wishing I could just press against her and stay there forever. But fish. I had fish to cook.

  “Gabe—” She groaned. “Come back.”

  “Nope. Gotta feed.” I stepped away farther and started getting busy with the food.

  “Does it bother you?” She handed me the apron. I pulled it over my head and paused.

  “Being shirtless? No.”

  Saylor sighed and leaned against the counter top. “Not that. I still call you Gabe.”

  I thought about it for a minute and answered. “Say, you met me as Gabe. All you know is Gabe. To you, I’m Gabe… so what if to the rest of the world I’m still Ashton? We’re the same person, and both Gabe and Ashton are in love with you.”

  “That sounds like you have multiple personalities.” She teased, tugging the un-tied apron strings back so that I was plastered against her.

  “I gotta admit, I kind like the idea that you’ll have a variety of names to choose from when I make you scream.”

  Saylor’s face flamed red.

  “Don’t worry.” I kissed her mouth. “We eat first.”

  “And then?” Her voice wavered.

  “And then…” I shrugged. “Forever. We have until forever.”

  Chapter Fifty-Two

  Healing doesn’t come right away — and even though I was still in pain, this time I embraced it, because the pain was a reminder that she had existed. The pain reminded me — she’d lived. Funny, how I used to think numbing my pain would make it go away. But the only way to fully rid yourself of the pain is to go against nature and embrace it. —Gabe H.