Very Nearly Normal

by Hannah Sunderland

  Why had he gone to Jenny for comfort? Why wasn’t I enough?

  The incessant bleeping of machinery ceased to be an annoying soundtrack after a while and instead became a sort of lullaby. I closed my stinging eyes and felt the heaviness of sleep fill my head.

  I woke, startled, when a heavy hand shook my shoulder. I jolted up, my head spinning as I quickly worked out where I was and regained my balance.

  ‘Rhys!’ I said, poised on the edge of the seat and ready to go.

  Rhys sat down beside me in the now empty waiting room and sighed. I glanced out the window. It was getting light outside; I’d been asleep for hours.

  ‘He’s been moved to another hospital,’ he said with a loud exhalation.

  ‘What? Why? Where have they taken him?’ I asked, confused.

  ‘They’ve transferred him closer to home.’

  ‘Birmingham home or here home?’ I asked.

  ‘He’ll be near Tessa and I.’

  ‘Are we going to him now?’ I asked, but Rhys didn’t answer.

  ‘Effie, I need to take you home.’ His tone was apologetic.

  ‘Home?’ What did he mean? I needed to be with Theo. ‘No, I need to see him.’

  ‘Tessa went home and got him some things before they moved him and she brought your bag with her. It’s in my car. Come on, if we leave now you can be home before the streets are warm.’ He stood and started walking towards the exit.

  I stood, blind rage turning my face puce. ‘No, Rhys. I need to be with him.’ I didn’t care if he didn’t love me yet; I would wait until he did. I’d fight for him. I’d battle Jenny to the death if that’s what needed to happen.

  Rhys turned around and walked back, his eyes remorseful and his voice quiet. ‘Effie. The best thing is for you to go home and we will call you when we know what’s happening.’

  ‘No. I’m going to see him.’

  ‘Effie—’ he stepped towards me with exasperation ‘—Theo doesn’t want you to come.’

  It felt like he’d punched me in the gut.

  I recalled Theo’s response, or lack thereof, when I’d told him I loved him. Maybe it was then that he’d realised his mistake. Maybe he’d always known that Jenny was the only one.

  ‘Come on. Let me take you home.’ Rhys turned on his heel and walked out of the door, leaving me standing breathless on the torn lino floor.

  Chapter Twenty

  We drove into the sunrise, watching it crest over the horizon and ignite the sky with the colour of autumn leaves. The roads were quiet and Rhys was a fast driver. I began to recognise my surroundings sooner than I’d thought.

  Neither of us spoke on the journey. I didn’t know about Rhys but I’d forgotten how to. My brain felt like it was running on power-saving mode, only computing the bare minimum. My forehead pressed against the passenger-side window, leaving a greasy smear on the glass as I stared at the landscape rushing by.

  Rhys had tapped my postcode into his satnav before we left the hospital so not even directions were required.

  I would have thought that I’d be feeling too much, that I would barely be able to contain my emotions. But it was almost as if I was so sad that I wasn’t sad anymore. I’d delved so far into the ugly pit of devastation and now I had found myself unable to feel it around me.

  He didn’t want me there. He didn’t want me. Full stop.

  I swallowed, my throat bobbing as I let that fact sink in.

  Rhys pulled up a few doors down from mine and turned off the engine. He sighed quietly and looked over; I watched his reflection survey me in the side mirror.

  ‘Not even ten yet. We made better time than I thought we would.’ He attempted to be cheery, but his tone was nothing but strained and unconvincing. I didn’t respond.

  I turned to him, my eyes feeling like they were coated with a layer of sand.

  Was it true, what Rhys had said? I was only taking his word for it that Theo had said that he didn’t want me there. Maybe it was all a misunderstanding and he’d wake, furious that I wasn’t at his side.

  ‘Do they know what’s wrong with him?’ I asked, my voice crackling from my dry throat.

  ‘No, not yet,’ Rhys replied.

  ‘When will you call me and tell me how he is?’

  ‘I don’t know, but we will, Effie.’

  I blinked for the first time in an age. ‘And can I come and see him when he’s out of hospital?’

  Rhys looked down at his hands and sighed. ‘Let’s wait and see how he fares first.’

  ‘Okay, but you promise you’ll keep me informed?’ He nodded. I grabbed my bag from the back seat and popped the door, pausing on the edge of the seat. ‘Is Jenny with him?’

  Rhys looked down at his hand again, as if he was struggling to look me in the eye. ‘No, she left when they moved him.’

  I felt my tear ducts kick back into action. She’d been there as I slept in the waiting room, blissfully unaware that she was sitting beside his bed, taking the place that I should have held.

  ‘Does he still love her?’

  He looked up into my eyes and I could tell that he pitied me. ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘Thank you for not lying to me, Rhys.’

  He smiled sadly. ‘Take care of that wrist,’ he said, pointing to my splint. ‘It was a pleasure meeting you, Effie.’

  I couldn’t help but feel that he sounded kind of final.

  ‘You too.’ I meant it. I liked Rhys, I just didn’t like what he was saying to me.

  I got out of the car, lingering by the door, unable to close it. It was as if by closing this shining black car door I would be closing it on the part of my life that contained Theo, that contained the best version of myself. ‘Goodbye, Mr Morgan.’

  ‘Goodbye, Effie.’

  I pushed the door; the sound of it closing was a gunshot in the quiet street. He sent me one last glance before driving away and leaving me on the pavement wondering what the hell I was supposed to do now.

  I walked inside and pressed my back to the door, the latch clicking shut in my left ear.

  I let my bag fall from my shoulder and it landed with a thud on the laminate flooring. I stared at the spot on the floor where the laminate hadn’t been cut with enough skill to manoeuvre the radiator cover, leaving a gap that had filled with dust and detritus blown in on the breeze. A dry leaf … a small red button with a tendril of snapped thread still attached.

  The toilet flushed and a pair of feet drummed on the stairs as Joy descended.

  ‘Effie, is that you? We weren’t expecting you back until …’ She stopped at the bottom, her eyes falling to my wrist. ‘What happened?’ She stepped nearer, my eyes moving to hers. I must have looked distraught because she raised her hand to her mouth and creased her eyes. ‘Oh, honey, what is it?’

  A sob burst from my throat as I stepped forward into my mother’s arms and cried into the shoulder of her canary yellow angora sweater. I bawled the story, my voice hitching and catching as I lost my breath and then caught it again. This was to be my second ‘mama hug meltdown’ in under a month, which was quite possibly a record, even for me. I was almost certain that she understood less than fifty per cent of what I said, but that didn’t stop her from leading me to the kitchen, where I sat against the closed patio doors and was force-fed a cup of scalding, too-sweet tea.

  My wrist ached and the splint was starting to itch but the pain in my chest was the worst of all, dull and sharp at the same time and tearing through me like a bullet in quarter speed.

  I lay in bed, exhausted after my meltdown, with a damp flannel on my forehead; it had been cool when Mum had brought it to soothe my headache but the raging heat of my skin had caused it to turn tepid.

  Dad had lingered at the threshold of my room for a time, peering in and listening to me sob. He’d never been what some would call a ‘hands-on’ dad and he’d shuffled back to his computer room when I’d started bawling again. I didn’t mind though – I didn’t want anyone to touch me or talk to me or do an
ything at all to me. I wanted to either be alone or be with Theo and only one of those options was possible.

  I held my phone in front of my face, the screen blazing into life and blinding me in the dark room. I turned down the brightness and texted him:

  Hey, how are you feeling? Do they know what’s going on yet? Please keep me in the loop. Xxx

  I almost signed off by telling him that I loved him, then remembered how he hadn’t said it back and deleted the letters.

  I left the chat and went to my camera roll. I found the photo I was looking for and brought it up full screen. I looked at myself, happy and smiling as Theo kissed me atop the mountain we’d climbed together. How had everything turned from bliss to shit in just over twenty-four hours?

  I hated this, the not knowing, the waiting for the call.

  But what else could I do?

  What were my other options?

  The next day I decided to honour the shift I’d agreed to, even though Mum begged me to stay home and take a ‘mental health day’. I walked to work in a daze, my feet leading where my brain could not, and when I arrived the shop was bustling. I eventually managed to get inside the door after battling past two of those I’ve-had-a-baby-therefore-I-have-the-right-to inconvenience-everyone-with-my-double-buggy parents and I quickly busied myself straight away. I threw myself into mindless tasks that occupied the methodical part of me, locking the crying little girl inside my brain until I got home.

  Arthur was so busy that he barely had chance to yell a hello to me as he disappeared behind the bookcases to find something for a customer. He didn’t notice my splinted wrist until I’d already been there for an hour and only because I managed to drop a man’s copy of The Count of Monte Cristo on his toe after forgetting that I could no longer grip with my left hand. He’d made a fuss about it, saying how I’d damaged his purchase. I ignored him and served the next customer while he sucked lemons on the way out the door. As the man walked away with his own copy of Theo’s favourite book, I found myself wondering what Theo was doing, and why that was more important than texting me back.

  When the queue had finally gone Arthur came straight over and demanded that I tell him what had happened. I stared at him, my face an emotionless mask until I began uttering my first sentence and couldn’t stop – before I’d reached the end Arthur had a tissue pressed to my cheek and an arm around my shoulder.

  ‘I’m sure it’s just because he doesn’t want you to see him like that. You’ve only been seeing each other for a couple of weeks and he probably doesn’t want to drop the veil just yet.’

  ‘Drop the veil?’ I snivelled as I withdrew my face from near his armpit.

  ‘Yeah, like when you start out and everything is new and exciting and you don’t let them see the bad parts. Then you drop the veil and before too long you’re having a piss while they’re in the shower and the veil is torn to tatters.’

  I wiped my nose on my sleeve – the tissue had long since been soiled – and tried to ignore the snail-like residue that I left on the fabric.

  ‘I called Rhys twice this morning, and Theo, but they’re both ignoring me. I even looked up their number online and called the house but no one was home.’

  ‘If I were you, I’d wait another few days and if they’re still ignoring you, I’d drive on down there and see him with my own eyes.’

  ‘You really think so?’ I asked, ready to drive there right now.

  ‘Do you love him?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Then it’s worth it.’

  Two days had passed since Rhys had dropped me at the kerb like the cowgirl doll in the movie and I’d still had no reply. I think it was fair to say that I was going a little mad.

  I was standing at the counter when a stout woman with cropped grey hair came in and placed her myriad shopping bags down on the sofa, the rain from the torrential downpour dripping from the plastic and darkening the leather. I sighed inwardly and stood up a little straighter.

  ‘All right, Bab. I was wondering if you could help me. I’m looking for a book,’ she said in a thick Brummie accent.

  No shit, Sherlock, you’re in a bookshop.

  ‘Of course,’ I said with feigned politeness, ‘what book are you looking for?’

  ‘That’s the thing, I don’t know the title.’

  ‘What’s the author’s name?’

  ‘I don’t know.’

  I heard my teeth grinding over each other.

  ‘What about the genre: thriller, romance, horror?’

  ‘Don’t know that either.’

  ‘Do you know the general plot?’ I asked, barely managing to keep my voice in check.

  ‘No. I just know that the cover is red,’ she replied, unapologetically.

  There really is no job like customer service to make you realise your potential for psychopathy.

  ‘You just know it’s red?’

  She nodded.

  ‘Well, that doesn’t give me much to go on does it?’

  ‘It’s red and there’s a spider’s web on the spine.’

  I literally had no idea what book she was referring to. ‘I’m sorry, but I don’t think I can help you. Feel free to have a look around though and see if you can spot it.’

  I looked back down at the cat that I’d been mindlessly doodling for over an hour.

  ‘Well, I don’t have time to search every single red book. You might not even have it.’

  ‘They do say that the thrill is in the chase.’

  The woman let out a disgusted sigh and placed her hands on her hips.

  ‘Well really, I feel I need to speak to your manager about this.’ I looked back up; she’d turned red in the face. I had half a mind to ask her if she was trying to change her facial colour to match the hue of the book she was seeking.

  ‘What do you want to complain about, the fact that you want me to magically know what book you’re thinking of without a title, author or plot? Who do you think I am, Derren Brown?’

  She puckered her lips and sniffed loudly. ‘Call the manager, please.’

  ‘Why? He’s not Derren Brown either.’ We stared each other down, her cheeks turning puce and my resting bitch face unwavering. I didn’t break my gaze as I shouted upstairs. ‘Arthur! Customer wants to speak with you.’

  He arrived a few moments later, the tension making him recoil as he entered the scene.

  ‘I want to make a complaint about this girl.’ She dived right in.

  ‘Okay, complain away,’ Arthur said.

  I was told to go upstairs into Arthur’s flat and wait until the woman had been appeased. I sat on his comfortable sofa and checked my phone for the thousandth time that morning, but it was still devoid of contact.

  I dialled Theo’s number and raised the phone to my ear. It went straight to voicemail.

  After ten minutes or so Arthur called me back down to where he sat with his hands clasped in front of him on the rain-spotted sofa. The red-faced woman was nowhere in sight.

  ‘How did you get rid of her?’ I asked.

  ‘I wrote her a gift voucher,’ he replied.

  I sat beside him, waiting to receive my first official telling-off. He exhaled loudly before speaking.

  ‘Do you want a promotion?’ he asked.

  I frowned and turned to face him. ‘What?’

  ‘A promotion to manager – do you want it?’

  ‘Are you being serious? I was just a complete bitch to that woman,’ I replied, confused.

  ‘You were, and while your behaviour was thoroughly understandable, I must ask you not to do that again, no matter how much of an idiot the customer is.’

  I nodded my agreement. ‘Why make me manager?’ I asked.

  ‘This is what I wanted to talk to you about: Toby and I have decided to go travelling.’

  ‘Travelling?’ I repeated. ‘Where?’

  ‘We haven’t decided yet. We just thought that we’re both middle-aged and we need to see as many places as we can with the time we have. So,
we’re starting in Prague and staying at his cousin’s over Christmas and then going on from there. But while I’m away I’m going to need someone to run this place. So, do you think that you’re up to it?’

  I shook my head and held it in my hands, my temples pulsing. I wasn’t fit to put on jeans by myself with this bloody splint on my wrist and now he was handing me his business, his baby.

  ‘Did I mention it comes with a pay rise?’ he said, sweetening the deal. ‘But I’m going to need you clear-headed, so the offer comes with one condition.’

  ‘And that is …’

  ‘Go to Wales and sort this situation out. You’ve been a zombie ever since you came back and I can’t have you biting the head off any more customers, no matter how annoying they are.’

  I leaned back and closed my eyes before Arthur could see the moisture that was collecting there. ‘I feel like I’m intruding on family matters that don’t concern me.’

  ‘You’re not going to rest until you know he’s okay. So, go and see him, then come back and take the job offer.’

  I wanted to go now and drive to Theo, but the rain was heavy and I was a nervous driver at the best of times.

  ‘I’ll go first thing tomorrow,’ I said, suddenly feeling quite apprehensive.

  I barely slept a wink as I waited for the sun to rise and when it finally did, I called all three of the phone numbers I had, to tell them I was coming. All went straight to voicemail. I left before Mum and Dad woke and tried to talk me out of driving with an injured wrist. I set up the satnav on my phone and found the perfect album to drive to. I couldn’t listen to The Rosehipsters, not after what had happened the last time I’d been listening to them. I don’t know if it was enough to put me off them forever, but for now it was plenty.

  I chose Bowie’s greatest hits, because almost every song reminded me of a moment I’d shared with Theo, and I started the engine. Before I left the driveway, I spotted Elliot sitting in the grass of next door’s front garden. He stared me down with unadulterated judgement.