Very Nearly Normal

by Hannah Sunderland

  The sound of a hundred voices, all talking at once, filled the air and the shuffling of feet against floor seemed to drum out a staggered rhythm. The ching of the till was both music and torture to my ears, on the one hand we were making money (yay); on the other hand it was yet more noise. The thump of books being pushed back onto shelves added a bassline and the tinkle of the bell was the soprano. That bloody bell! I’d tear it down with my bare hands if I had the energy.

  I took a deep breath and tried to push it all out and think of something calming, wind maybe.

  I heard the whoosh of the wind and the image of a bird, red and swooping, came into my head. I heard the sound of the breeze whipping through my hair and I saw the approaching figure of my companion. I was on the mountain, Cadair Idris.

  It was odd to think that, right now, even though this chaos was happening here, that mountain was still right where I’d left it, as peaceful and calm as ever.

  The image of the happy couple celebrating with a kiss at the summit stone made me wince. The girl who was enjoying that kiss did not feel like me – she was too happy, too naïve.

  ‘Effie,’ Amy called, her voice taut with stress, ‘I really need some help over here.’

  Time’s up, get back to work. You’re not on that mountain anymore.

  That night I found it. My favourite film.

  I hadn’t used Theo’s stupid book or even searched for it, it had found me. Thank you Film4. I’d flicked on to it three minutes late, only missing the opening titles.

  Moulin Rouge.

  It was insanity and opulence and music and romance and tragedy, all the good things.

  It was an assault on my ears, eyes and emotions and I loved every second of it. When it finished, I found myself sitting back with a sigh of satisfaction, my face well and truly tear-stained.

  I sent Caleb a gushing text about the film and it transpired that he had never seen it. I told him that I would grab the DVD when I next went into town and we could have a movie night. I was pretty sure he’d like it as much as I did, with his taste in weird, artsy films. It would be nice to have someone else at the flat with me. Caleb didn’t make me nervous; I didn’t feel like I had to look pretty or be normal in his presence. He seemed to accept me for who I was and that was really all I wanted.

  ‘Shitting hell!’ I exclaimed as the scalding glühwein scorched my tongue. ‘You didn’t tell me that we’d come here to drink lava.’

  Caleb chuckled at my pain and took a sip of his overly spiced wine, burning his own tongue, at which I laughed with cruel spite.

  The German Market is an annual, detestable tradition that is a festive thrill for all who visit Birmingham, but a pain in the ass for anyone who lives here. The smell of sickly-sweet nuts and bratwurst filled the air and made me feel a little nauseous and the wine wasn’t helping. I never quite understood the appeal, but I guess if queueing beside a line of garden sheds that sell generic shite at ridiculous prices is your idea of a good time then who am I to question it? Wizzard blared from the speakers beside the carousel and annoyingly got stuck in my head as we chatted beside a giant fibreglass Santa.

  Liz hadn’t shown up and Janet had had to stay home to look after her son, so it ended up being only me, Caleb, Ned and Cassie who arrived to drink the cup of blistering spiced wine.

  Ned was in the midst of telling us about his stepdaughter, who was coming for Christmas with her fiancé, when I saw Her.

  She was standing next to one of those faux log cabins that they insist on erecting every year in the pursuit of festiveness, with a young girl in her arms and another at her hip. The child in her arms stared at a glistening bauble, her eyes wide and sparkling with the reflection.

  The last time I’d seen her she’d been driving away from the Morgans’ after seeing Theo, but this time I saw her standing right in front of me. A tall, broad-shouldered man came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her stomach. I felt a jolt in my chest. Theo. She leaned back and kissed him, the child giggling in her arms. I wasn’t sure if my heart was still beating. He turned and the blue lights of the carousel illuminated his face. It lit up his wide smile, his dark blue eyes, his straight nose. I felt the air release from my lungs as I realised it wasn’t Theo, but her husband, Matt.

  Did Matt know that she’d been to see Theo? Did he know what his wife was up to?

  ‘You okay, Eff?’ Caleb asked, drawing me back into the conversation where Ned was telling an anecdote that had something to do with zombies. Cassie hung on his every word, grinning up at him and cradling her glühwein in both hands for warmth.

  ‘Yeah.’ I handed him my mug and stepped away. ‘I’ll be right back.’

  I jogged towards her, losing her for a moment in the crowd before I found her again, standing alone beside a stall selling painted candle jars.

  ‘Jenny?’

  She turned and cocked her head as she tried to place me.

  ‘Hi,’ she said unsurely. ‘I know you, don’t I?’

  Of course, she didn’t remember me – who was I to her? Nothing. Nothing but the girl she’d beaten to the prize.

  ‘I met you at a service station not long ago. I was with Theo.’

  Her eyes widened with understanding. She reached out and placed her hand on my arm. ‘That’s right. Ellie, isn’t it?’

  ‘Effie,’ I corrected her. I wished she’d take her hand off me.

  ‘That’s right. Effie. Sorry, I didn’t recognise you, you look different.’ She grinned and let her hand fall. Thank God. ‘How is Theo doing?’

  ‘I have no idea. I haven’t seen him in a while.’ I didn’t know how many days it had been exactly. I’d stopped counting at some point.

  ‘Oh.’ She didn’t seem displeased.

  ‘I was hoping you could tell me how he is. You’ve seen him more recently than me anyway,’ I said with a raised eyebrow.

  She looked me a question and stepped closer. ‘The last time I saw him was at the service station, with you.’

  She was lying and I was about to catch her out on it.

  ‘I drove to the house to see how he was. They wouldn’t let me in. I don’t know what I did to make them do that but they wouldn’t,’ I said, and I was pleased to notice that I didn’t feel myself breaking as I recalled crying at the gates. ‘Theo wouldn’t see me, but I saw you. You left through the gates as I arrived, and I know that you went to the hospital too.’

  Her smile fell and she stepped closer again. ‘Look, Matt doesn’t know that I went. He’d flip if he knew – he gets very jealous.’ She looked almost fearful.

  ‘Are you having an affair with Theo? Is that it?’ I asked.

  She laughed an abrupt single laugh and threw back her head. ‘Of course not. Theo and I ended years ago and I have a family now.’

  ‘If having a family stopped people from having affairs, then there would be no such thing,’ I replied.

  ‘I’m not seeing Theo.’

  ‘Then why were you at his house? Why did you go to the hospital?’

  ‘Theo hadn’t updated his medical notes and I was still down as his emergency contact. They said he couldn’t remember if anyone had gone with him to the hospital, so they called and told me he’d been taken in by ambulance. I didn’t know what had happened to him, or if Tessa and Rhys knew. So, I texted him to let him know I was coming.’ She kept her voice low as her eyes darted about, checking that her family wasn’t nearby. ‘When I arrived at the hospital, I sat with him while he slept. Tessa left the second she saw me and went to get his things from home and Rhys wouldn’t sit in the same room as me. So, I didn’t bother staying long. Not if they were going to treat me like that.’

  She rolled her eyes and looked down at the ground. ‘I still had a key fob to get through the gates so I went to the house a few days later and let myself in to try and find out what was happening with him and learned that Theo had been sent home. Tessa found me in the driveway and blew her nut. She screamed the place down and kicked the side of my car. I didn’t k
now she hated me so much.’

  ‘Oh, she really does,’ I corroborated. ‘So, you didn’t actually see Theo?’

  ‘No, and we are certainly not having a bit on the side.’ She softened slightly and reached up to tuck a piece of her hair behind her ear. ‘Look, Effie, you’re lucky that it didn’t work out between you two. I left him for a reason. You’re better off, trust me.’ She took a step back and a moment later one of her daughters ran into her legs. She smiled down at the little girl who had a skewer of chocolate-coated marshmallows in her hand and chocolate smeared over her face. ‘I have to go now, but Merry Christmas, Effie.’

  I slowly walked back to Caleb and the others, my mind boggling. I’d been sure that Jenny was the reason why Theo had sent me away. I’d been certain that Jenny was the problem. But as usual, I’d been wrong. The problem had clearly been me.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  ‘You’re back.’ The trainer’s South African accent cut across the room of Brummies and made me smile. It was such a strange, jumbled accent – so difficult to get your mouth around. I had tried to imitate it before but I’d just ended up sounding like a skipping record.

  I remembered him from the last time. He’d been Theo’s trainer back when he was still boxing. What had his name been …? Mason. That was it.

  ‘Hi, Mason,’ I said, hoping that I’d remembered it right.

  ‘You back for some training?’ he asked with hopefully raised brows.

  I nodded. ‘Yeah, well I seemed to be pretty good at it before and I need something to get me out the house.’

  He looked down at my arms and reached out a hand to squeeze the one on the right. ‘Your arms are skinny, we’ll have to work on that, but you’ve got form – we saw that when you lamped Theo, didn’t we?’ I remembered the moment well. I wished I could do it again, what I wouldn’t give to punch the smile off that man’s face. ‘How is Theo? He still interested in coming back?’

  I kept my composure, even though I felt a twinge in my chest. ‘I wouldn’t know; we broke up.’

  Mason frowned. ‘I’m sorry to hear that, you looked like you made a good pair.’

  ‘We did, for a while,’ I said, trying to keep the sadness from my voice. ‘But it didn’t work out and now I’m ready to hit things, so show me to the nearest thing I can punch.’

  ‘I tell you what—’ he crossed his arms and nodded, as if concocting a plan ‘—I’ll put you through your paces today, free of charge, and when we’re done you can tell me if you want to carry on or not. Sound like a plan?’

  ‘An excellent one,’ I replied.

  Mason grinned, his hazel eyes gleaming under the sodium lights.

  I informed him of my recent wrist injury and he said that we’d take it easy with the left hand and focus mainly on the right hand and the legs. He said I had ‘good, strong legs’ – it was the first compliment I think I’d ever had about them – and he suggested trying out some kickboxing and seeing how I felt about it. I agreed and he led me to a corner.

  He told me we’d be starting with stretches and I copied what he did. This was easy. I was going to be just fine at this.

  Then we went on to cardio, he handed me a skipping rope – I think I’d been about five the last time I’d held one – and he made me skip until I literally dropped to the floor like a very unfit sack of potatoes.

  ‘Thinking about bailing yet?’ he asked, his sculpted arms folded across his chest.

  ‘This? This is nothing.’ I panted. My heartbeat was so loud that I could barely hear him when he told me to get up.

  He taught me how to stand and block, holding a pad for me to hit. I only used my right hand and my legs, giving my left one a little more time to heal.

  The hour came to an end as I slouched down onto a windowsill and let my head hang between my knees.

  ‘So,’ Mason said, sitting down beside me, ‘still want to sign up?’

  I looked up at him with my red face and my limp limbs and said, between pants, ‘Where do I sign?’

  ‘I’ll get the papers.’ He grinned and disappeared into an office before coming back with a clipboard and a pen that had been chewed at the end.

  I filled in the form. It was long and detailed and too much effort after the military drill he’d just put me through.

  ‘We’ll have another couple of sessions like this one and then we’ll move you on to a sparring partner.’

  ‘Will that be you?’ I asked, not really sure how I’d fare against him.

  ‘No,’ he said through a laugh, ‘I’ll pick one of the other beginners, someone who’s in your weight and height range, and we’ll see if you can’t drop them like you did Theo.’

  I left the gym and fell down into the seat of Arthur’s car like a rag doll. Every part of me ached, but despite that, I felt energised. Who would have thought it, hey? Effie ‘Meh’ Heaton signing up to a gym and even more surprising, enjoying it. But this was the new and improved Effie. Effie 2.0. The Effie who was going to learn how to knock out a fully-grown man and not even break a sweat.

  After three sessions with Mason I was beginning to ache less in the days that followed. I could already feel myself getting stronger, firmer, and I was beginning to have more energy too.

  I reached into the microwave and pulled out the bulging bag of popcorn, before tearing it open and decanting it into a large red bowl. Caleb sat on the sofa with a blanket over his legs and a hot chocolate in his hands. He absentmindedly played with one of his curls while he listened to Amy, who was sat at the opposite end, talking about her book and how she hadn’t heard anything back from the agent who requested it. She didn’t annoy me as much anymore; in fact I quite liked her. We’d gone to the post office and she’d given me the encouragement I needed to send my manuscript out into the world for its second try. That sort of thing bonds people. I hadn’t heard anything back from any of the agents I’d sent mine to either, but then it was far too early to feel disheartened. Sometimes it could take up to a year to hear back and it was Christmas, so there was no chance of them responding just yet.

  I walked over and placed the popcorn on the table before sitting between them. Caleb opened up the blanket and draped it over my knees. I did the same for Amy and we huddled together for warmth. The boiler had made that freaky clunking sound this morning and since then the heating had been a little unreliable.

  It transpired that neither Amy nor Caleb had seen Moulin Rouge before and so with excitement, I put on the film.

  The orchestra swelled, the curtains drew back and the show began.

  As we watched, I couldn’t help but think how far I’d come from the morose person I had been not too long ago. I still felt terribly sad from time to time. I missed Arthur, much more than I thought I would. I missed my parents (I know! How did that happen?). I longed to feel Elliot’s soft fur on my face, and I didn’t even want to go into the complicated feelings I had towards Theo. But even so, here I was, smiling and sitting between two people I was proud to call my friends. I didn’t for one moment worry about what they were thinking of me or if they actually wanted to be sat here with me. I just enjoyed the company and I felt – wait for it – happy.

  I met Caleb for lunch on Friday at a café in the centre of town. He wanted to meet there because, apparently, they had good veggie food and not the ‘same shite’ that they had in most other places. I sat upstairs beside the window and looked out at the sea of heads rushing below in a stream of bobble hats and bald patches. Caleb arrived with a tray that held a coffee – cappuccino, extra foam, no chocolate – an avocado and sundried tomato baguette, a small pot of soup, a still lemonade and a white chocolate muffin. I had no idea how anyone could possibly eat so much and remain so skinny. I took a sip of my lunch, i.e. my latte, and watched as he tucked into his mountain of food.

  ‘So,’ he said with a mouthful of rocket garnish, ‘have you spoken to your mum yet?’

  I slouched back in the unyielding chair and shrugged.

  ‘I’ll apologise if sh
e does,’ I replied like an angst-ridden teen.

  Caleb rolled his eyes and took another bite before pulling the lid from his pot of soup and delving into it before he’d even swallowed. ‘Christmas is gonna be mighty awkward if you don’t sort this out before then.’

  ‘I’m not going to just let it slide if she’s not going to admit fault.’ I took another swig and felt the liquid scald my tongue.

  ‘Eff, mothers are never wrong.’ He stared me down over the steaming soup. ‘They show up at hospital, have their baby and then the nurse wheels them to the door and says, “Congrats, here’s your baby and as a gift from the hospital, here’s a selection of ridiculous phrases to use and an inoculation against ever being wrong”. Did they not teach you that in sex ed?’

  I unknotted the frown that I had only just noticed I was sporting and tried to quell the tension in my chest. ‘I just don’t think that I’m the only one who needs to apologise.’

  ‘Irregardless, you should still apologise.’

  ‘Oh! What do you know?’ I said, balling up a napkin and throwing it at his head. It bounced from his forehead into his soup. ‘And irregardless isn’t even a word. You’ve been watching too much American TV.’

  He shook his head and bowed it over his soup before slurping it like someone who was seconds from starvation. Annoyingly, I knew that he was right. I did need to broach the subject at some point.

  ‘What are you doing tomorrow night?’ he asked when he was done. ‘I wondered if you wanted to go and see that new Marvel film?’

  I sucked in the air through my teeth. ‘Sorry, bud. I’m not really into the whole superhero hype and I’ll be at training anyway. I get to meet my sparring partner tomorrow.’

  Caleb blew a puff of air between his lips. ‘Good luck to them. I wouldn’t want to fight you.’

  On Saturday I showed up at the gym early and changed in the dressing room. I DID NOT strip down to my nothings and parade around like the others. I may have grown to like myself a lot more but I was far from going bare-breasted and flashing my fanny around for all to see. I caught more than an eyeful of several pairs of jiggling breasts – one pair in particular caught me off guard as they rippled in the hot air that spewed from the wall-mounted hairdryer and almost hypnotised me.