Gertie's Paranormal Plantation: A Paranormal Romantic Comedy

by James, Melanie

“An encyclopedia of paranormal creatures? Wonderful! I can really use this. Imagine what we can come up with now. Not to mention, it’ll be a great reference if we should get some new or unfamiliar strays in here.”

  “I’ve seen something like this before,” Esmeralda said. “Randy’s right. It’s an ancient bestiary. Just a few words of caution for you nimrods, don’t create any beasts that you aren’t familiar with. I don’t think Marie took much time to look it over. She came across it on a trip to Florence last year and thought you’d like to have it.”

  “Careful is my middle name.” I placed the book on a kitchen shelf among a few cookbooks and some spell-books. I hoped they didn’t notice that Miss Careful ironically put the spell-book next to Red Hot Grill Out in Chicago, Birthplace of the Weber Grill. “Thanks for bringing it by. Be sure to give Marie my thanks as well. Would you like to lend a hand for a bit today, Esmeralda? I could use some help finding my Jay Spot.”

  “As incredibly fun and interesting as that sounds, no. Besides, Randy told me that your fireman is going to be here later and you two have cooked up a plan to keep him here on the farm. He’ll become another creature for your collection I suppose?”

  “I wouldn’t quite put it like that. But yes, Brad’s coming down and I hope he’ll be here to stay.”

  “To stay? Hmm. Plenty of places to bury a body around here.” Esmeralda cackled. She took out her little broom and within seconds only a greenish vapor hung in the air where she stood.

  “Randy, would you help me look around for that little goat? I’m sure he wouldn’t have gone far. I just don’t want him to go down by the bayou.” I straightened out my arms and used my hands to imitate the gnashing jaws of an alligator. “You know…chomp, chomp, chomp.”

  “Sorry, Gertie. I’ve got to get back to work. We have a few more people looking for pets and I’d like to sort it all out before we sit down and go over things. I also need to look over the invitation list and see if I can get an idea on how many guest rooms we’ll need to have ready for the wedding. Why don’t you just go look for the goat with Brad when he gets here?”

  “Oh, Brad. Of course.” I mumbled. Randy wandered off into the office. I know it’s strange to say but I was a little sad that Randy couldn’t go with me. It wasn’t because I wanted Randy’s companionship. No, it was because I didn’t want to be alone and even worse, I preferred that Brad not be along for my walk. The reason? Well, that reason bubbled up from some foggy place in my mind and it was truly despicable, at least for me. I was so upset with myself that I ground my teeth. I absolutely hated to admit it. I hoped Vasili was still working outside and I thought I might get a chance to see him. Perhaps I might have another friendly exchange with the mysterious Vasili. At the same time, I was disgusted by some remnant of Victorian manners that told me I shouldn’t go out on a stud-watching walk unescorted, lest I allow Vasili’s magnetism to get the best of me.

  An image of Vasili’s dark eyes and the way he looked at me after he kissed my hand made my heart beat faster. “Darcy! Darcy!” Darcy slowly walked into the kitchen and rubbed against my leg. I picked her up and nuzzled her. “Darcy? Would you please claw my brain until these images of Vasili disappear?”

  “Meow. Meow.”

  “No, you don’t get it. Vasili has a magnetism that is pulling me. It’s powerful. Disturbingly powerful.”

  Chapter Seven

  The Seduction

  With Darcy comfortably cradled in my arms, I walked out onto my back porch. “Darcy, every once in a while, I have to remind myself that it’s not 1870 anymore. And you can bet your ninth life that I would never want to live under that social etiquette again. Pshh, I’m a modern woman.”

  It was an unusually balmy day for early January, even by southern Louisiana standards. I scanned the yard and decided that I should head toward the bayou first. As I passed the corner of the house, I heard something quite unexpected but in a good way. Whistling. Someone was whistling a strange tune that stopped me in my tracks. I think at that point I knew what, or who, I expected to find.

  And there he was. Vasili was descending a ladder that was leaning up against the house. Of course, his shirt just had to be off and his beautiful bronze body gleamed in the sun. The soothing melody floated from his talented lips. Yes, of course, he had to have talented lips. I watched, listened, and became completely captivated by the way his muscles rippled and the way his jeans hugged his perfect ass.

  “Quick, Darcy. Now! Yank my brain out and thrash it around like it’s an old paper bag. I don’t want to be doing this.”

  “Meow.”

  “I don’t even know what it is I’m doing. I think I’m turning into a…a harlot…a slut.”

  “Hello, Gertie. I thought I heard someone behind me. What brings you here to me?” Vasili had just stepped down from the last rung. He wiped his brow with a handkerchief and stood there with his perfect athletic lean body. The waist of his jeans hung low in the front, very low, so low that each well-defined muscle of that delicious looking male area below the belly button was perfectly displayed. My eyes followed the lines that ran down to a place in his jeans that bulged conspicuously. I was considering the thought that perhaps he carried a can of shaving cream down in the front of his jeans.

  “Sweet Jesus.” I mumbled.

  “Meow.” Darcy reminded me that Vasili asked me a question. She then abandoned me by springing from my arms.

  “Oh, yeah. What is it that brings me here to you? Umm.” My brain had shut down operations and my common sense was now halfway to New Orleans for the weekend. “I was just looking around out here, hoping to find my penis. Ach! I mean my goat. Did you happen to see a goat wandering around out here?”

  “You know, I thought I may have. Just out of the corner of my eye. I didn’t get a good look from where I was.” Vasili walked right up to me. He was close, close enough to the point where I could feel the heat coming from his body. He was wiping his hands off on his handkerchief, as if he planned to touch me. Or maybe I wished he would. “I hope you don’t mind, but I noticed your rain gutter was barely hanging on. I replaced the straps. It’s good and solid now.”

  “That’s…good. It’s good you know, because I would hate to have a problem with droopy gutters.”

  Vasili’s deep voice became soft and slow and I was instantly lost in his eyes. Those eyes were really mesmerizing, like gazing into a dark bottomless pool. His eyes never left mine. He slowly raised up one hand and with a gentle brush of his index finger, he swept away a few long strands of my hair. Vasili leaned his head to my ear and whispered, “I can tell you want something from me, Gertie.” I could feel his bare chest against my arms.

  “Yes.” I whispered, then I caught my senses. “I mean, no. Thank you for fixing my window and gutters and for saving my life of course. That should cover everything.”

  Vasili took both of his hands and lightly cradled my head. At the same time his lips became an erotic butterfly that fluttered away from my ear and landed softly on my lips. I was paralyzed and my mind fought for a rational response. I didn’t pull away but I didn’t return his kiss. Darcy gave me her opinion of the situation, and in no uncertain terms, by delivering a swift painful bite on one of my obviously hardened nipples.

  I pulled away and stared at Vasili in disbelief. As I should have expected, he unrolled another heavily accented welcome mat of sexiness. “Your eyes, they’re so beautiful, yet they are like ice.” It would be very easy to walk right up and kiss him.

  “Oh yeah, like ice.” I chuckled. “You have no idea.” I wasn’t about to run away like some frightened child, or swoon like an awestruck teenager. But I didn’t want to exactly slap the bejesus out of him either. Let’s face it, when a hot, shirtless, and exotic stranger like Vasili—and I must point out that he was dipped in a batter of pure sexiness—throws all of his attention directly at you, there are some quick decisions to be made. For example, there is an impulse to jump on him like you’re a squirrel jumping on an acorn laden oak t
ree. I mean, it’s not like a passionate gift like Vasili gets handed to you every day. Hell, I’m willing to bet it only happens once in ten lifetimes, but there is the sobering and unfortunate reminder that there are always some inconvenient repercussions to that behavior. It comes down to whether you’re willing to risk the consequences. Unless, of course, the consumption of whiskey is involved. In that case, all bets are off.

  “Listen, Vasili. You can’t just go around shirtless and whispering in girls’ ears and kissing them like that. It’s not…fair.” And you better believe it wasn’t fair, but it sure was effective. “I have a boyfriend.”

  More Mediterranean sexiness poured out when Vasili lifted my hair from my bare shoulder. “Oh? I didn’t know that. I don’t see him here.” Vasili nonchalantly looked around. “Perhaps I could be your boyfriend.”

  I took a deep breath. “Let me rephrase that. Even if I didn’t have a boyfriend, it’s a little presumptuous of you to think I am going to get all wobbly kneed and fall for your smooth…sexy…moves.” I coughed and stepped backwards.

  Vasili countered my retreat by moving closer. He gracefully went around behind me and lifted the hair from the back of my neck. His breath was close enough that I grew goose bumps. I swear they touched his lips. “You have something I want, something I need—”

  “Stop right there, Vasili.” I spun around and put my hands on his chest. Darcy jumped away from my grasp. I patted Vasili’s sculpted chest. “Now, I sure appreciate all of your attention. I certainly do. It’s very flattering, but…” My hands seemed to have told my brain to take a break. They had stopped patting Vasili’s chest and were now practically stroking him. I pried them away and quietly cleared my throat. “I really can’t. I’m sorry.” I walked away at a brisk pace. Darcy caught up to me and I returned her to the place on my chest.

  “That. Oh, that was close. What got into me, Darcy?”

  “Meow. Meow.”

  “Maybe nothing got into me. After all, I behaved with the utmost maturity.” We walked for a minute. “Damn it. I can’t decide if I’ll regret pushing him away or if I’d regret it if I let him do what he had in mind. Good lord.” My thoughts had me crossing the yard like I was marching in an invisible army. “Something just doesn’t feel right about Vasili.”

  I stopped in midstride. A pale corpse was laid out just off the back porch. “Oh my God. He’s a killer! He dumped a body in my yard.” I tiptoed up to the body. The features of the dead person’s face became recognizable. “Randy? Oh my God! Vasili killed Randy!” Darcy leapt out of my flailing arms. Cats always land on their feet, and all four of Darcy’s landed perfectly, claws fully extended, on the bare chest of Randy’s pale corpse.

  Randy jumped in the air, squealing like a scalded pig. I nearly fainted. “You’re supposed to be dead!” I barked at him.

  Randy swiped at the blood oozing from the fresh claw marks. “Supposed to be dead? That’s your plan? To kill me by throwing your rabies infested cat at me? What did I ever do to you?”

  “No. No, I thought you were dead.” My shock faded and now I was just plain amused. “Or perhaps Casper the Ghost passed out in our yard. What are you doing lying in the grass half naked anyway?”

  Randy was blushing. “For your information, I was taking advantage of this unusually nice day and trying to get some sun.” Darcy circled around Randy as if she were a skilled assassin ready to finish the job.

  “Aha! So you were hoping Vasili would stop by? I see. Well, don’t get your hopes up, or your Randy Johnson for that matter. Let’s go inside. I really need to talk.”

  Chapter Eight

  Randy’s Counseling Session

  Once inside, Randy nosed around in a cabinet above the sink and took out our bottle of Jameson. This was something I learned from the Irish Sisters of Mercy, every good household keeps a bottle of Irish whisky around for medicinal purposes. With a towel clutched against his wounded chest, he managed to pour us two glass tumblers. “Since you look like you’ve seen a ghost and I’ve nearly been slaughtered by that vicious cat attack, I think we could use some therapy.” I quickly finished off my drink in two very audible gulps. Randy watched in admiration. “My Gertie, you do have something on your mind.”

  I turned the glass over to discourage any refills. “Yes, I do. So I was going about looking for the goat, what do you suppose I come across? Vasili. Shirtless, smooth talking, kiss stealing, sexy Vasili.”

  “Oh my. Kiss stealing? Please, don’t hold back any lurid details. Go on.” Randy begged happily. “I’ll be satisfied to enjoy my vicarious fantasies about Vasili through you, sweetheart.”

  “Sorry to disappoint you. He just…well…there’s something about him. I mean other than the fact that he’s incredibly handsome, and he has a beautiful accent, and—”

  “And an ass you could bounce a quarter off of? Oh yeah, I’ve noticed.”

  “No. Well, yes, I suppose there is that. But it’s like he has a way of hypnotizing me. He just started talking to me and got really close. He whispered in my ear, breathed on my neck, and then he kissed me. Of course I didn’t kiss him back.”

  “But you didn’t exactly run away or punch him in the head either.”

  “Exactly. That’s the problem. Now, you know me. I’m loyal to the bitter end. I love Brad and I would never, ever go behind his back. Why would I? He’s everything I could want and more. Even sexier than Vasili. Yet, there is something…I just don’t get it.”

  “Hmm. If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with?”

  “Wow. That’s quite witty, Randy.”

  Randy shook his head and waved off my compliment. “Can’t take the credit. It’s from an old song. I think you’re suffering from two things. The perils of a long distance relationship are real. You crave the physical, the romance, the effort someone makes to actually show that they are interested in you. And this Vasili guy is really a charmer. He has that mysterious stranger aura about him. Don’t think I haven’t noticed.”

  “If that’s all it is, then why do I feel so guilty? And between us, a little part of me wants to run right back there and see what Vasili is all about.”

  “Gertie, you just answered your own question. Of course he’s attractive. He’s exotic even. He sweet talks you and you play along a little. After all, you’ve only been with one guy. You’re probably a little curious. But you’re already in a committed relationship, so you walk away. You feel guilty, but you’re not guilty of anything. So what? Come on, Gertie. Relax about it. It’s not like your fooling around on Brad. In my family, we have a saying. ‘Just because I’m on a diet doesn’t mean I can’t check out the dessert menu’. Capisce?”

  “I guess you’re right. The strange vibes I think I’m getting from him are probably just my own whacky feelings.” I thought more about what Randy said. He can sometimes be fairly wise. “Randy? How did you get so good at understanding this stuff? Have you had a lot of these feelings yourself?”

  “Me? Ha. I don’t have feelings. You, on the other hand, are all about emotions. I’ve had to watch a lot of daytime television to provide you with all this high quality advice. I do think you have a long way to go. I’m sure there are, or will be, a lot of things you’ll think about that will make you question yourself or others.”

  “Like what? Is there like a list or something? ‘Cause we can knock those out right now and I can save myself from the headaches later.”

  Randy laughed. “No. It’s not like that. Just try not to overreact when you find yourself with conflicting emotions. And get Brad down here. You guys are too perfect for each other to let it waste away.” Randy stood up and examined the long scarlet stripes left by Darcy’s claws. “Now, remember to keep this a secret.”

  I was perplexed. “Of course it’s a secret. I wouldn’t tell a soul what I said about Vasili.”

  “Not that. Well, yes that, but don’t tell anyone that I actually have a heart.”

  I couldn’t help but laugh at Randy. “I don
’t know why you hide the fact that you are a very caring person.” I hugged him and gave him a little kiss on the cheek.

  Randy poured himself another shot of whisky and gulped it down. “Self-preservation, my friend.”

  Chapter Nine

  Practicing the Craft

  “Self-preservation? It sounds a bit too lonely for my taste.” I thought about Brad and how I looked forward to his visit. “Not that I have a problem with being alone. I just have a problem with feeling lonesome because I’m missing the one I love.” Then and there I decided I wasn’t going to let Brad slip away back to Chicago. I walked over to the cookbook shelf and pulled out a small grimoire that I picked up on a trip to Scotland last year. “Remember that old Scottish castle that had the hex on it? You know, the one you guys saved me from last year?”

  “Of course, Elspeth and Bruce’s place. The witch and the billion-were. Oh man, those old swingers were a real trip. Why do you ask?”

  “Elspeth said that Brad and I made a perfect couple. We got to talking about love and relationships. I was very curious how she and Bruce were so happily in love after so many centuries. You hear about so many relationships that start out great but turn into complete train wrecks. So, I asked her what their secret was. I figured it would have been all about respecting each other, open communication, and understanding—you know the sort of stuff they talk about on your daytime TV shows. Was I ever wrong! You want to take a guess at what she said?”

  “Considering who we are talking about, I’d have to say it would be one of two things: extreme wealth or plenty of group sex. Maybe both.”

  “Nope.” I dropped the spell-book on the table. “Witchcraft. This grimoire is called The Book of Love, Every Witch’s Guide to Romance. And check this out. Includes Bonus Section: Powering Up Your Hex Life for a Great Sex Life. I haven’t even looked at the first page of this old book yet.”

  “What the hell were you waiting for? And why didn’t you share? It would have been awesome to toy around with this baby.”