Gertie's Paranormal Plantation: A Paranormal Romantic Comedy

by James, Melanie

  “Yes, I think so.” Marie took a deep breath and I could tell she was deep in thought. “Gertie, who else knows that you have this ring inside of you?”

  It seemed like a strange thing to ask me, but my answer was simple. “Brad and some people at the hospital emergency room. Why?”

  “Good.” Marie stated. “That is no ordinary ring. Did Brad tell you anything about it? Where he got it?”

  “No. Nothing. Now I don’t even know where he is. Do you think the ring and his disappearance are related?”

  Marie remained calm and it helped to reassure me. “Well, we’ll sort that all out.” She thought a little more before continuing. “Randy told me all about your visitor, the satyr.”

  I was really taken aback. “Huh? A satyr? What kind of stories were you telling, Randy?”

  “Whoa! I didn’t say anything about a satyr. I told her about that little goat and how it broke through the window. Then I told her about Vasili. Marie, I even showed you his business card. I’ve got it right here.” Randy took the card from his wallet and read the name. “Vasili Tragos Satirios, Handyman. That’s a far cry from a satyr. And besides, I thought satyrs had goat’s legs and horns. I’ve never heard of them being shifters.”

  Marie was astounded. “You two didn’t figure it out? Of course Vasili is a satyr! Mes petit idiots!”

  Randy started looking for cover. “Oh shit, Gertie! She’s yelling in Creole. Here comes the Voodoo.”

  Esmeralda smacked Randy in the back of the head. “French, not Creole. She called you idiots, her little idiots. Idiot.”

  Marie nearly grunted her reply to Randy. “And yes, of course they shift between goat and human form. A satyr wouldn’t be a very attractive or effective seducer with goat’s legs and horns. Look at his name. Tragos? It’s Greek for billy goat. And Satirios sure sounds a lot like satyr to me. Seriously, you imbeciles are witches, you specialize in paranormal creatures. Yet you let a dangerous creature like a satyr sneak into your home?”

  “Actually, I invited him in.” Randy cautiously pointed out.

  “Oh, even better! What is wrong with you two?” Marie’s voice boomed. We had nothing to say. All I could do is look at Randy and blush while Marie continued her tirade. “Let me go over the chain of events and then I want you both to think about all of the clues you missed. As witches involved in the dealing with paranormal creatures, these clues should have slapped you in the face with the realization that you are being played like the fools you are. First, a stray goat with a mysterious inscription on its collar, no less, follows you home. Later, this same strange goat breaks into your house. You remove the collar and then you never see the goat again. The very next day a mysterious man shows up. He’s charming, enchanting, and even hypnotic. This stranger tries to seduce you. He fascinates you by whistling a haunting melody. But why should you have any desire for this man? It’s unlike you. You’re confused. After all, you are madly in love with Brad. You can even picture yourself as Mrs. Brad. But for some very strange reason, you desire, yes even crave, Vasili. You have a nearly unbridled lust for his body.”

  “I’m in!” Esmeralda raised her hand. “Sign me up for a date with that satyr! Pronto! It sounds like a delicious way to spend a weekend, or a month.”

  Then Randy tried to call out Esmeralda for her own missed observation. “Esmeralda, I do believe you met the satyr. Why didn’t you pick up on his true identity?”

  “Probably because he was too busy giving Gertie some sort of pelvic thrust and drooling all over her scrawny ass. Why he wanted an uncomfortable ride in the base model Ford Fiesta when he could have gotten a ride in the pink Cadillac,” Esmeralda pointed toward her waist with both hands, “it’s beyond me. But I’m willing to give him another shot, if you know what I mean.”

  Then I remembered something from that first meeting in the kitchen. “Esmeralda! You make a great point! Why me? You approached him and he backed away. Why was he intimidated by you?”

  Randy threw his arms up. “Hello! You’re talking about Esmeralda. She has that effect on everyone, not just lusty satyrs.” Esmeralda gave Randy a fresh smack on the back of his head. “Ouch! Maaareee, Esmeralda is hurting me again. Give her the Voodoo.” Randy used his best impersonation of a whining child.

  “Silence! Or I’ll lay some Voodoo across both of your asses.” Marie scolded him before turning her attention back to speculating on Vasili’s retreat from Esmeralda. “Now that is an interesting point. He sought out Gertie. Why? He was afraid of Esmeralda. Why?” Marie paced around. “Esmeralda, were you carrying anything on you when Vasili backed away?”

  “Just that messenger bag with the list of wedding guests and that old book you wanted me to drop off with Gertie.”

  Marie raised a triumphant fist in front of her. “Ah ha! That’s it. The book! Yes, of course. It is a type of grimoire and also a bestiary. Randy, can you bring it here please? Let’s see what is in there that would frighten a satyr.”

  “Be right back with it.” Randy stated and then he spun back around. “Marie? Do you want me to see if Vasili is awake? We could question him.”

  Marie explained her strategy. “Don’t talk to the satyr yet. Let’s try to figure out as much as we can. He’ll lie to us. From what I’ve heard about satyrs, they’re habitual liars. But if that book holds some powerful spell against him…I’m not above threatening him to get the truth and find out where Brad is.” Randy nodded in agreement and went off to retrieve the book.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Questions Answered

  I had a lot of questions about the ring. Especially once I learned that it likely held some magic. “Marie? Can you tell me anything more about the ring? I’m positive that it couldn’t have anything to do with Vasili. He started nosing around here hours before Brad even brought the ring down to Louisiana. Could this magic ring help me find Brad?”

  “Before I answer that, has anyone seen Wanda? I didn’t realize she left.” Marie asked as she looked around.

  “Wanda’d off, I would imagine.” Esmeralda replied.

  “Boo!” I gave Esmeralda a thumbs down.

  “Seriously.” Marie frowned. “Where did she go?”

  Esmeralda moved her nail file to her other hand. “Oh, yeah. She said something about going to check on Vasili. That was back when you were busy chastising Gertie and Randy.”

  “I hope she keeps her distance from that satyr.” The sound of approaching footsteps caused Marie to stop talking. It was Randy, returning with the book. “Thank you, Randy. Now, let’s talk about this satyr...” She set the book on the bed and opened it. She flipped through the aged leaves until she found what she wanted to show us. “Here. This is what a satyr looks like. Not what you’ve been led to believe, is it?”

  We all looked at the artist’s rendering of a handsome naked man. He was standing in a meadow with several naked and apparently unconscious women lying on the ground at his feet. The look on the satyr’s face was unnerving. Only two words came to mind when I saw the satyr’s expression, proud and evil.

  “Wow! Get a look at the schlong on that guy.” Randy pointed to the oversized and erect phallus of the satyr.

  “I can see why they’re all passed out.” Esmeralda laughed.

  Marie continued. “Forget everything you’ve probably heard from Greek mythology about goat legged freaks with horns. Legends of the satyrs predate even the ancient Greeks. They’re a race of shifters. Goat shifters. Stories about these ancient goat demons have existed for thousands of years. They’ve gained a legendary reputation for seducing women in order to dominate them. Enslave them. Now, I’ve never met a satyr, but if the stories are true, I’d say they are more like pigs than goats. And you’ve got one named Vasili.”

  Esmeralda interrupted Marie. “I don’t mean to doubt you, Marie. But I’ve always been told they died out centuries ago.”

  “If you let me finish, I’ll explain that to you. This book confirms the story I’ve been told.” Marie ran her index finger ac
ross the page and quickly scanned through the Medieval Latin script. “The satyrs were already reduced to a small group by the time this was written. Even so, they apparently caused quite a bit of chaos in parts of Europe. They were blamed for everything from seducing virgins to causing plagues.”

  Esmeralda snorted. “Scapegoats! Get it?”

  “I’m pretty sure they were wrongly blamed for many things, just like witches were. And they were relentlessly hunted down. It says here that a wizard named Cosmos found a way to exile them to a remote island in the Atlantic, off the coast of Africa. He found a way to conjure a beast known as a basilisk. It’s the only thing that the satyrs fear. My guess is that this book will also have an entry about this basilisk and how to control it.”

  I recognized the name of that wizard. “Did you say Cosmos? Could it be the same old alchemist that helped out Leigh in Chicago?”

  “It could be.” Marie mumbled as she looked through the book. “Aha. Here it is. The basilisk.”

  “Jesus!” Randy remarked. “It looks like something one of my nephews would draw. So that’s what they fear? A poorly drawn dragon with a beak?”

  “Yes, according to this book. And now that we know, we can certainly coerce Vasili into telling us what happened to Brad. Now, back to your ring. I’ve only heard of one magic diamond ring that could embed itself inside of you like that one. But…it doesn’t fit into the problem.” The befuddled tone in Marie’s voice was something I rarely, if ever heard.

  “Yeah, like a diamond ring fits anything on your insides.” Esmeralda joked.

  “No, I’m not joking. The problem is that Gertie’s man has gone missing. Gertie just so happens to find herself in the crosshairs of a persistent satyr. We would assume the satyr would be our number one suspect in Brad’s disappearance, but strangely he was found beaten and tied up the night Brad disappears. I doubt Brad would have attacked the satyr and then simply fled. If he felt there was a threat, he would have gone back to protect Gertie, not run away. Then we find a magic ring trying to hide in Gertie’s belly. The only rings known to do that are discussed in an Old Norse legend. And if I recall, these magic rings are a type of curse. Whoever has one of these inside them must do the bidding of whoever placed the curse. If they refuse…that ring will kill them. This ring business just puzzles me to no end. How the hell does Norse magic fit into this problem? To make it worse, our only witnesses are useless. Gertie was knocked out from gobbling valiums like they were skittles and the satyrs are notorious liars.”

  “Why not ask Wanda about the Norse magic ring? She is somewhat of an expert on that magic.” Esmeralda asked. Randy and I stared at each other. Every time I started to open my mouth and confess that we had botched a Norse magic spell, Randy shook his head at me. He strolled over and sat on my bed next to me. From the corner of my eye, I saw him fiddling around on his phone. He appeared to be reading a news story out of New Orleans.

  Marie considered Esmeralda’s question. “I probably will have to talk to Wanda at some point. She is the only one I know that has knowledge of Norse magic. At the same time, it worries me. Who else would know any Norse magic spells to put this ring in Gertie? Wanda is the only one. I really hate to say this, but she becomes a suspect. I can’t even imagine what her motive would be. This damn ring really throws me for a loop.”

  That was it. I had to confess. “Marie? I have something I need to—”

  Then Wanda’s tiny frame appeared in the doorway. The sweet old grandmotherly witch had a positively radiant glow about her. She didn’t say a word, or perhaps she couldn’t even say a word because a giant smile was frozen on her face. It didn’t take long to see what had put that smile there, a man. A tall, well-built, and completely naked man with a full head of golden hair came from behind her and stood next to her. Every one of us immediately lost any sense of what our conversation had been about. Each of us stared with our mouths agape. Maybe it was the surprise of seeing Wanda with a naked stranger, but I’m pretty sure it was because this particular naked hunky stranger was the spitting image of the actor that plays on those Thor movies.

  Wanda straightened her scrubs. “You all look like a nest full of hungry baby birds. Don’t you have any manners? Say hello to the satyr.” She patted his beefy chest then gave his ass a few light slaps.

  “Hold the damn bus.” Marie croaked. “You mean to tell me you’ve found another satyr? Where’s the first one?”

  “This is the first one. I found out something about satyrs. They’re shifters all right. Here, I should just have him show you. Vasili, go say hello to Marie. It’s okay. Show her what you do.”

  The new Vasili walked up to Marie. Suddenly his entire body shimmered into a blur and when he came back into focus, he had transformed once again. Now Vasili became an equally well-built black man. He took Marie’s hand and in a deep smoky voice he made his introduction. “Marie, your beauty exceeds that of an angel.” He kissed the back of her hand. “I want nothing more than to give you every pleasure you dream of and more.”

  Marie’s eyes bugged out and I couldn’t tell if she was smiling or shocked. She fanned herself with her free hand. “Whew! You are something. Mmm, mmm, mmm. Nice. Now, tell me where Brad is. Tell me! Or you’ll become a basilisk’s breakfast.”

  Vasili looked at me and then to each of the others. He walked up to me and transformed into the form he was when I met him. “Gertie’s lover, Brad. Yes, I met him. I can speak any language, yet his language is very old and hard to understand. He was the one that tied me up. I don’t know where he is, but he should be returning here soon.”

  “Brad? Are we talking about the same guy? Where did he go?”

  “He said that he was gathering his men and he would return. I think he plans to use me as some sort of sacrifice.”

  “What? My Brad? You’re either lying your horns off or you must have gotten a pretty good wallop in that melon of yours.” I remembered what Marie said about how satyrs are prone to lies, but if he was lying, he was very convincing. “Vasili, tell me. What brought you here to my plantation? You sought me out and I want to know why.” I tapped on the image of the basilisk. “I could whip one of these suckers up in a minute. Keep that in mind.” I absolutely hate to be stern or threatening. It’s contrary to every nerve I have. However, I worried for Brad’s safety. In this case, I felt like it was my only choice.

  “You were right about me on the night when we met. I was a homeless goat. I came here because I have heard of this place. A loving home for lost and lonely creatures like me. When you took that leather collar off of me, you removed the curse that kept me in my truest form, a goat. The collar prevented me from shifting into any other form. Once I was free, I can only be what I am. A true satyr. And a satyr can do only one thing.”

  “That’s why you tried to seduce me? Because it’s your nature?”

  “What can I say? I’m just a sexy beast. However, a satyr does not seduce or try to cause harm. We have been wrongly persecuted throughout history. We only live to give pleasure.”

  Esmeralda begged for Vasili’s attention. “Me! Me! Come here, sexy beast, and do me now! I need some pleasuring.”

  Vasili approached Esmeralda and shimmered. When he was done, he was none other than Randy’s sister, Kelly. He shimmered again and he transformed into a man I recognized as a local deputy sheriff. “That’s great, but I want a fresh new hottie like Wanda and Marie got! Give me something new, big guy.”

  Wanda waved her hands. “No, no, it’s not like he can just become whatever he wants. When he focuses on the one he wants to seduce, his image transforms into whatever his victim’s, for lack of a better word, most active sexual fantasy involves.”

  Armed with knowledge of how the satyr operates, an idea popped up in my mind. “But…if you knew he was a satyr and how his little shifter trick works, you could take control of what he turns into. You’d just have to have a fantasy character in your head, ready to go.” I announced.

  Wanda touched Vasili on the s
houlder. “Vasili, is that possible? For someone to trick you into transforming into something specific?”

  “As long as this person you desire is an actual fantasy of yours, then the answer is yes. And the image in your mind would have to be very detailed. Otherwise, my transformation will be based on what I find in your mind. But I do have other powers of pleasure...what you call seduction. I know exactly what excites you, what to say, how to touch you. Most importantly, I can draw you in close with my music. I can say whatever it is that you really want to hear. I can adopt any persona.”

  “That explains the stories of satyrs playing flutes and harps.” Marie pointed out.

  Randy got up from the bed and put more distance between Vasili and himself. “Okay, I don’t like this one bit. It’s bad enough this guy is some sort of telepath that can get into your head, become the person of your sexual fantasies, say all the right things—”

  “Sounds a lot like online dating to me,” Esmeralda said with a shrug of her shoulders.

  Randy acknowledged her. “I suppose so, but as I was saying…just imagine having your most secret sexual fantasy lover splashed up on an IMAX 3D display for public viewing. Think about it. How embarrassing.”

  Esmeralda pounced on Randy’s comment. “Randy? Who is this mysterious secret fantasy lover you don’t want us to see? Hmm?”

  “I don’t…I mean, this is all about privacy. It’s just not right.” I could tell Randy wanted this conversation to end.

  “Vasili, go poke around in Randy’s head. Let’s see who he’s got hiding away in there.” Esmeralda commanded.

  “No! Get the hell away from me. And it’s none of anyone’s business, Esmeralda.” Randy’s sharp response lashed out to both Vasili and Esmeralda.