Gertie's Paranormal Plantation: A Paranormal Romantic Comedy

by James, Melanie

  Marie led us down a dark corridor and torches lit by themselves to show us the way as we moved into the belly of the temple. Another set of doors opened. It was an entirely different sort of room. I recognized its purpose from descriptions I had read in a hundred different stories. This was a great hall of ancient times. The place where the noble would feast, plan, and dispense justice. It was complete with a long banquet table. The table was set, but the chairs were empty, save one.

  An old woman sat at the head of the table. And she was not happy to see us. Her dark eyes squinted under her furrowed brow and that gaze was unforgettably powerful. Every hope I had about reasoning with the old witch quickly evaporated. This was no feeble old grandmother. This woman was a giantess. She wore a blue robe trimmed in sable and ermine. Her pale skin appeared strange to me. It was smooth and tight. It shined, like scar tissue. Long braids of pure white hair intertwined and fell down over her left shoulder to some unseen place under the table.

  “Who are you people? I expected Svipdagr to arrive with his new bride. Svipdagr, come forward and show me this body you have possessed.” Her head moved slightly as she tried to get a better look at her guests.

  Brad looked at me and then at Marie. He gave a tiny shoulder shrug and gave us his here-goes-nothing look.

  “Here I am, Mother. I’ve brought the woman that will be my bride. But you’ve cursed her with the very ring I will use to marry her. Please, take it out and remove the curse so we can marry.”

  I was really impressed by his improvisational performance. And the Academy Award for best actor goes to Brad! Yay!

  “Oh, really? You’re finally willing to get married? Bring me this woman so I can see what sort of wench could enchant my son.” The woman rose from her chair, picked up what appeared to be a long ivory sword with a golden handle. When she made her way around the end of the table, Brad turned his head back, winked, and gave me a quick thumbs-up sign. I took that as my signal to step forward from the shadows. The rest of our party remained hidden.

  When she approached, I could see that it wasn’t a sword in her hand but a spiraled tusk of a narwhal. This unicorn-like horn was nearly five feet long and I knew she used it for a magic wand. “That is a very interesting request. No. I will not grant your wish. Instead, I will use you as sacrificial offerings.”

  “What? What the hell are you saying? We came all the way out here, what else did you expect?” Brad barked at the witch.

  “I expect not to be lied to.” The witch waved her wand and a cloud grew in the air next to her. On the cloud, a moving image appeared. It was just like a projection screen for magic videos. The cloud showed a Viking involved in vicious hand to hand combat. “That is my son, Svipdagr. I learned that he rejected my summons and returned to Asgard.”

  Randy was visibly wringing his hands. “Damn. Now what?”

  “So you didn’t fall for it. But…before you gloat too hard, you should really welcome the rest of your guests, Groa.” Marie had stepped out of the shadows. “Especially this one.” Our travel companion, the Viking, joined Marie. “You recognize my friend? It’s Erik, your husband.”

  I had no doubt that this old woman was certainly Groa. She shrieked at the sight of Erik and ran back to the other side of the table. “Sorcerer! Erik is dead.”

  “That’s right, Groa. I’m back. You should know. You killed me and cursed me so I couldn’t even go to Valhalla. Yet, here I am. I’ve been freed and now I am going to exact my vengeance on you. If you wish to survive, you’ll grant the wish of those that freed me.”

  “What’s in it for you, Erik? Why should you care about this scrawny, weak little runt?” Groa quizzed him.

  “Hey! I’m right here you know!” My complaint was completely ignored.

  “I’m just repaying a favor,” Erik answered.

  Marie interrupted, “Groa, just so we’re clear on my position. I’m going to up the ante. I’m sure you know the prophecy about the dragon, Nidhogg? He will rip you to shreds if he ever finds you. After all, he’s the dragon that feeds on the corpses of murderers like you. Well…guess who’s here? And he hasn’t had a bite to eat all day.”

  Olaf snorted and huffed, playing his part well. I was proud of the way he confidently walked out of the shadows and let out a roar that would make an African Lion sound like a sickly tabby cat.

  “One would think I should fear that dragon. One would think.” It was obvious that Groa regained her composure. She paced and tapped her narwhal horn wand against her open palm. “But one thing about legendary prophecies, they sure give you a lot of notice. I’ve had centuries to come up with several spells to defeat a menacing dragon. And now that I think about it, Erik, I’ve kicked your ass through the nine realms once, I’m pretty sure I can do it again.” Tap, tap, tap went the narwhal tusk wand.

  Everyone, including Groa, became paralyzed at a strange sound blaring out in the distance. A strange, deep plucking sound. It was like strange music. “Sorcerer! What is that sound? What pestilence are you bringing here now?”

  I could tell that Marie was as clueless about the noise as the rest of us, but she maintained a defiant air of confidence. Whatever it was, Marie was going to use it to our advantage. “Why don’t you put it up on your magical projector? Then you’ll see what other surprises are in store, unless you take that ring out.”

  Groa waved her wand and the cloud-screen reappeared. We all got a look at what was happening on the snowy slope outside, but none of us expected to see what was racing down the mountain toward us.

  Chapter Twenty

  Going Berserk

  “Holy shit. Holy shit!” Brad’s vocabulary was apparently reduced to those two words.

  “Hold on. Let me back it up to the beginning.” Groa fiddled with her wand to find the rewind setting. “There.”

  I walked up to the image to get a closer look and listened to the music that was blaring. It was a beautiful rosy sunrise over the majestic mountain peaks. “It looks so beautiful out there, Groa. You really should have more windows in this place. I mean, look at it. I think this is what they mean when I hear people talking about a million dollar view.”

  “Thank you. Let me zoom in.” Groa adjusted the image. “I can see your portal up there.”

  “Oh sure. I see it now. What is so—” I cut myself off when I saw it. “It’s the Viking long-ship parade float that Svippy jacked from the Gay Mardi Gras warehouse!” The float shot through the portal and was careening down the slope at breakneck speed. In a surreal display of gay pride, the rainbow sail flapped wildly from the jostling mast. The ship went briefly airborne each time it hit a snow drift.

  The bizarre bobsled run came with its own sound track. Esmeralda’s face crinkled like she had just chewed up a habanero pepper. “No! Stop the hurt!”

  I picked up on the jazzy bass guitar and bouncy beat. “I know that song! Remember that song, Brad? Max and Millie were dancing to it at Leigh’s Christmas party and we joined in.” My feet were way ahead of me. I started to dance.

  Brad nodded. “Oh sure. That’s it. A real oldie from the 70s. Sounds like a Spanish romance ballad. One of those earworms you hate to love.” Brad probably didn’t realize his body was picking up the beat. “What’s the name of it?”

  “Ugh. Little Green Bag. The original version.” Randy sounded like he had just apologized to himself for admitting he knew the song. “Fine. I’m embarrassed to say I like to dance to it, too.”

  We bounced in front of the magic video cloud. “It is a parade float. So it must have a kickass sound system.” Brad pointed out. “Wow, it’s almost perfectly choreographed to the way it’s flying downhill.”

  “What is wrong with you people? Talking nonsense, dancing like idiots. You should be trembling in fear!” Groa hissed.

  Esmeralda dismissed Groa’s comment. “That comes from a nasty old beast that lives in a frozen wasteland. And all of this bullshit because you can’t let your little Svippy go off and have a life. You can take your narwhal tus
k and shove it up your—” The wild sled grew closer. Esmeralda was indeed shocked enough to drop her sarcastic reprimand. “Oh my God! Look! Look who’s riding in it! Standing on the rail.”

  “I see them.” Wanda replied. “Right next to the dragon head thing sticking out from the bow. It’s Max and Millie. They’re doing the Jack and Rose flying pose from the Titanic movie. The old fools are going to get themselves killed.”

  I noticed some more movement on the deck. “Hey! Wills and Kate are onboard for the ride. I hope they aren’t frightened. What’s that huge green thing that Wills is holding?”

  “That, Gertie, is a bong.” Randy replied.

  Groa was awestruck by the entire scene unfolding before her. “What is this bong magic? A ship that creates strange music as it sails on the mountain! Steered by sorcerers on the front! And berserkers!”

  Marie seized the opportunity. After all, Groa had already dismissed every other threat thrown at her. Marie knew it could be my last chance. “Yes, Groa. Berserkers! Not just any berserkers, mad zombie berserkers under my control. You’re no match for the magic of the great bong, Groa. Take the curse off the young woman and remove the ring. If you don’t, you’ll be torn to bits.”

  “Berserkers?” Marie’s comment caught me completely off guard.

  Brad leaned down and whispered, “Apparently, Groa is afraid of berserkers and she thinks Wills and Kate are of the extremely vicious berserker variety.”

  Groa lifted the tusk wand and pointed it toward me. “Now I am going to insert just the very tip. Just relax, it won’t hurt.”

  “Hah, I’ve heard that before!” I joked and gave Brad a playful little punch on his muscular arm. Groa lowered the wand and placed it on my chest. She mumbled her magic Norse verses until the tip shimmered and then turned translucent. She was right, I didn’t feel a thing when it dipped inside of me. When she lifted it back up, the beautiful ring that Brad had chosen to propose to me with slid down the tusk.

  “There. It’s done, sorcerer. Now call off your magic bong beasts.”

  “I will, but don’t even think about coming after us. The dragon, Erik, and…DUCK!”

  “We didn’t bring any ducks. Not a one, Marie.” I pointed out.

  Groa agreed with me. “Yes. What duck?”

  “Augh. No. Not the quack, quack—” Marie’s explanation was cut short by a horrendous crash that split the air. And it damn near split my head when a frightening fusillade of splinters, shards, and fragments of the temple wall flew around like a swarm of locusts.

  “Oh! Duck!” I realized what she meant.

  “No! Ship!” Brad yelled.

  “Huh, wha—?” I couldn’t keep up.

  The dragon-head prow of the long-ship busted through the temple and the entire craft shot over our heads. A cloud of debris rained down on us. Unfazed by punching through the first wall, the ship hit the opposite side of the room.

  With an equally violent crash, the ship knocked out the wall and skidded to a stop in the snowy field. “Oh my God!” I ran to the scene of the wreck, certain I’d find the mangled corpses of my friends.

  We were all shocked when Max, Millie, Wills, and Kate stood up. “Wow! Wow, wow, aaaanndd wow. That totally blew my mind, man.” Max looked himself over. “I still have everything attached. You all right, Millie? You guys all right?”

  A round of high fives and cheers among the crazy crew told me that they all survived. Marie was already yelling from behind. “Run! Everyone, grab the ship and push! Groa is coming after us.” We all obliged her command and ran to the ship and shoved it forward. As soon as the hulking parade float started to shift loose, we were helped onboard by the Sasquatch sailors. The final force needed to propel us forward was provided by Olaf. He bolted from the destroyed temple and leapt into the air. His huge body slid across the deck and the reckless ride started once again.

  Randy patted Olaf and said something to the dragon. “Look what Olaf snagged!” Randy proudly raised the long tusk wand. My ring had stayed on it throughout the entire disaster.

  Brad removed the ring from the wand and placed it where it belonged, on my finger.

  When you catch a lucky break, you never know whether it was purely luck, or if in fact it was something that fate threw your way at the last second in order to keep your destiny in line with the great cosmic wheel. None of that mattered to any of us when we all caught a wonderfully lucky break. The portal reappeared on the bottom of the mountain and the ship flew through it.

  We landed with a sliding splash in Bayou Lafourche. “The only thing that could have worked out better is if we would have landed closer to that old dock there.” Wanda remarked.

  “That’s my place! I’ve got this.” I picked up Max’s huge bong and examined it. Amid his continual reminders of its fragility and priceless value, I leaned over the side and splashed it on the surface. “Becky! Here girl!”

  The water swirled. She was close. “Becky, come on, baby.” Her neck arched up and her tongue licked my face. “Phew! Slimy kiss. Give us a push to the dock.” I pointed to the dilapidated pile of boards that hung from the shore. Rebecca effortlessly pushed us alongside the dock and we disembarked. Olaf had no desire to leave. It occurred to me that perhaps he and Rebecca had never met. They rubbed noses and necks. Olaf’s tail twitched in a weird cat-like way.

  “See that, Gertie? A Monster meet-up.” Randy observed.

  “Love at first fright.” Brad joked.

  I laughed, but not so much at the cheesy jokes. No, I was laughing with the joy of seeing those beautiful creatures finding love so unexpectedly.

  “It’s too bad that Viking guy stayed behind. I never got the chance to thank him for trying to help us out.” Brad said thoughtfully. “Although, I don’t think we need another Viking visitor anytime soon.”

  Randy picked up the bong from the deck. “It’s been one hell of an adventure, kids. I think I’ll take this baby inside and fire it up…you know, just to make sure nothing happened to it. Max would be heartbroken.”

  “And I’m going over to the shed to find some rope so we can tie this ship up before it drifts away and causes more problems. You want to go for a walk, Gertie?”

  “No. I’ll wait here for you. I’ll watch our new couple. They are just so sweet on each other.”

  It wasn’t long before Brad came up from behind and wrapped his arms around me. I leaned back against his strong body. “Gertie,” he whispered in my ear and kissed my neck. “I want you.”

  “Here? On the Viking ship?”

  “Yes. I cannot wait.” He pulled me tight against his body and I felt the unmistakable hardness of his erection. I closed my eyes and became lost in his kisses. It was as if every touch was perfect and he knew exactly what turned me on. “Gertie, I want nothing more than to pleasure you in every way.”

  “Whoa! Hold it right there.” I spun around. “You’re the satyr! No wonder you are suddenly talking so weird.” This time Vasili looked exactly like Brad, except there were a few remnants of the Viking’s red hair on his bare chest. And he was stark naked. “You were the huge Viking on our journey?”

  “Yes. Of course. It was all part of Marie’s plan. She had done her research on Groa and found out that Groa had killed her husband, Erik. Bringing a vengeful Erik back from the dead to confront Groa was a pretty good plan. The only problem was resurrecting Erik. That’s where I came in. Marie told Wanda to take me with her through the portal. Once we got there, Wanda had a fantasy of a Viking named Erik and I shifted into that character for her.”

  “I wonder why Marie didn’t tell us.” I was thinking out loud and didn’t actually expect an explanation from Vasili.

  “Wanda and Marie didn’t want anyone else to know that I was the Viking because they were convinced one of you would let the cat out of the bag.”

  “In any case, if you really want to stay on the plantation, there will be some rules. I forbid you from shifting into Brad’s form ever again.”

  He came closer to me.
“But I don’t understand. You were the one that called me to come to you. Right here. On this dock. You recited an ancient spell. You even confirmed it by using another spell under Jupiter and the full moon.”

  “No, that was just a poem and any likeness to some spell was a complete coincidence. So I retract my spell. I don’t want any satyr to seduce me. How’s that?”

  “Don’t worry. I’m not staying. However, I’m only a spell away. Perhaps I could join you and Brad. Imagine having two Brads at once.”

  “Uh…um, well…it is an intriguing concept, but I have my hands full with him, as you probably know.” My eyes wandered down Brad’s twin body. “I suppose you never know. I’ll be sure to keep it in mind. So, thank you and have a nice day.”

  Vasili shrunk down into his goat form and wandered away.

  “Hey, Gertie. Everything all right?”

  “Couldn’t be better.”

  “We’ll see about that,” Brad whispered and then he kissed me. The way only Brad can kiss me.

  Chapter Twenty One

  In Conclusion

  Magic seems to know exactly what we need, and it somehow comes into our lives by accident. I once asked Marie to explain why our magic finds us and not the other way around. She said it finds us because we will it to happen. Our desires and wishes can be so strong, our own pure willpower can create an opportunity, a chance, or solution to present itself. A grimoire, a potion, a book of spells, or even a witch’s cat will be there when you need it.

  Reciting part of my poem wasn’t really a spell like the satyr told me. I thought about what I read to Rebecca. It may sound strange, but when I wrote that poem, I unwittingly wrote my own deep desires. And to think I was only writing about a poor chicken who tried to fly. In fact, I was that bird. I had been hoping for a day when Brad and I would be together. Without having that certainty, I have to admit I was still holding back my heart, just a bit, from Brad. Like the bird, I was fluttering. A long distance relationship with no promise that I would be anything more was holding me down to Earth. Well, I suppose that would be gravity doing the holding, but you know what I mean. That poem and my wish upon a planet sent some magic my way in the form of a satyr. Somehow or another, it all worked out and two weeks later, Brad is fully moved in. I finally have that Eventually I needed so badly, and it’s our future wedding date. That I can deal with.