Love That Lasts Forever

by Pat Barrow

  “And then suddenly, all that changed in what proved to be our last twelve months together and he began to show far more interest in the children. Not by engaging with us all as a family but by undermining me. Like I’d say ‘come on kids, it’s time for bed, it’s school tomorrow’ and he’d say ‘oh, go on you can watch just one more programme, your mum’s such a meanie’. And when I said ‘no, you’re not having another ice cream, you’ve already had one today’; he’d say ‘well, you’re only kids once, go on, get another, enjoy yourselves’. And perhaps worst of all if they had misbehaved and I grounded them and they understood why and accepted it, he’d say ‘well go on, I won’t tell’ and he’d let them go around to a friends’ house. Of course they loved it, they lapped it up. He was Mr Nice Guy and I was the one that was always nagging them. I felt them slipping away and struggled trying to keep hold of my family. But I felt so alone, so isolated, so worn down and I suppose I gave up and stopped fighting. I had friends but like I said they’d drifted away ’cos Jeremy discouraged them and my two sisters and their families are all in Montreal in Canada, so I can’t burden them. My Dad and Mum both died a long time ago.”

  Ceri had spent so much time delving into her past and her insight and willingness to explore those painful times and to begin to see how the children were affected was impressive and no doubt gave her the strength to fight to regain her confidence as Hetty and Jonty’s mum, but she knew as well as I did that that would be an uphill struggle.

  Jeremy’s Story

  In contrast, Jeremy laid the blame for the family breakdown upon Ceri. He painted a picture of her as an unstable, cold, unpredictable mother who showed little regard for her children and insisted he had always juggled work and home to be their main carer. “The children naturally came to me to share any troubles or concerns they had. Ceri was always sort of distant, detached, she never got down to their level. Of course work commitments meant that Ceri managed the day to day practicalities but when it came to being there for the kids, it was me. I was the one that they trusted.” Jeremy had been very keen to tell me how on occasions he had had to restrain Ceri, convinced that she may attack him or the children. He elaborated with apparent relish. “The kids would be cowering under the table and she would be like some sort of mad creature, foaming at the mouth with rage, spitting venom at me and lashing out. No, she never sought any medical help. I guess as a family we were pretty ashamed of her behaviour and we wanted to deal with matters in house. When we left, we had all reached the point where we had had enough. We just had to get out. The kids were desperate for normality. You know what’s so sad is that there’s absolutely no sign that she’s changed, not really. Oh yes, she puts on a good front but she pressurises the kids so much. Look how often Hetty has backed off from seeing her, poor kid, all those sleepless nights she’s suffered and Jonty, well he seems to have lost his childlike innocence and become silent and moody, much more like a timid five-year-old than a ten-year-old out there ready to take on the world why he even cowers on the side-lines at rugby. I think Ceri encourages him to be a baby – maybe she thinks she can influence him that way. I don’t want my son being a wimp, it’s a tough world and he needs to shape up.”

  Separated parents invariably have a very different take on life before and after separation. It was the intensity of Jeremy’s hatred of Ceri that was so marked in this family. Everything was presented in a negative way. He couldn’t recall Ceri having one single positive attribute and no doubt his negativity encouraged his belief that she had little or no significance for the children and indeed that if they never saw her again, if she disappeared from their lives, the only impact on them would be one of enormous relief. No doubt this was the message he either deliberately or unwittingly burdened the children with. I pondered – was he really afraid for the children or were there other deep-seated adult reasons which triggered what seemed to be his burning need to embroider and elaborate events prior to separation and then to perpetuate stories describing the children’s ongoing distress and fear and their reluctance to see Ceri? There hadn’t been one scrap of evidence which supported his persistent complaints, either in my meetings with them or times that I had observed the children with Ceri. Jeremy’s theory just didn’t weigh up that they had contact just to appease her.

  The Family Dynamics

  Whilst the discussion and exercises I had completed with the children didn’t in any way collaborate his story, they did suggest that his involvement had increased during the year before separation and at the same time, parental arguments had become more visible to both children. There was no doubt that on occasions they had been scared. Hetty had described in painful detail hiding under the duvet willing the shouting to stop and how those ‘secret’ arguments had escalated into nasty rows on almost a daily basis. Nothing as dramatic as Jeremy described but scary nevertheless. “It was like Mum just couldn’t do anything right and she’d get mad and shout and bang things and Jonty and I were scared, we just wanted it to stop. Dad kept blaming her and telling her she was rubbish and calling her nasty names.” Hetty and Jonty understandably had been relieved when Jeremy had taken them to their aunty’s. “The shouting stopped, Dad made us safe.” At least initially that had satisfied both Hetty and Jonty and there was no doubt that Jeremy had not envisaged Ceri’s feisty recovery.

  During my earlier meetings, it was clear that Hetty had been convinced by Jeremy that Ceri posed a risk and that only Jeremy could keep her safe. The failed attempts to establish contact at the Contact Centre had of course reinforced Hetty’s belief in Jeremy’s version of events. Assisting the children to reassess their experience of Ceri had been an important step forward and had begun to show Jeremy in his true colours. I had witnessed a regular pattern of him undermining progress since then at every opportunity and of continuing to regurgitate well-rehearsed stories of when Ceri had ‘lost it’. Without doubt, he’d discouraged any positive memories the children had either of Ceri or of family time together. Ceri certainly wasn’t blameless and prior to seeking counselling, she seemed to somewhat naively assume the children could just move between the two homes in spite of graphically recalling how difficult she found it to disagree with Jeremy.

  My role was to help Hetty and Jonty to begin to unravel the confusion they were experiencing. When the time was right, I would need to encourage their independent thinking, help them to weigh up different versions of events before and after their parents’ separation. I was pretty sure that twelve-year-old Hetty was capable of separating her own reasoning from that of Jeremy and Ceri and with that would come her budding ability to make judgements about her parents and then she would begin to apportion blame where it was due. But if she feared the consequences of doing that, she would resist, she would block those thoughts out and in her desperation she may be encouraged to choose one parent or the other simply as a way of minimising her own pain. Jonty was much more likely to sway between favouring one parent over the other, but he would be unable to shake off those overwhelming feelings of guilt, because no matter how hard he tried, he just wouldn’t be able to get it right for either of them.

  After parental separation, children invariably feel disempowered and a huge sense of loss and bewilderment. The family life they have always known has suddenly gone and they need time to grieve that loss and make sense of the changes demanded. Children often do have the resilience to come through the experience remarkably unscathed, but – and it’s a big but – only if parents work together and begin to see the situation from the children’s perspective rather than allowing their own pain and resentment to dominate. That’s easier said than done. Parents have to find the strength to make arrangements which avoid their children being plunged in to the painful dilemma inevitably generated by divided loyalties and having to choose between one or the other parent.

  Immediately after separation, both parents and children experience a myriad of emotions. Anger and bitterness can blind both parents from making the right choices. In time whe
n emotions are less raw, the majority of parents, believe it or not, manage to prioritise their children and life settles down into a pattern where many children are able to maintain a reasonable relationship with both their parents. Some parents need help and some expect the impossible. If for example the child-parent bonds weren’t strong prior to separation it is often nigh on impossible to establish a relationship once parents have split up. But for those families where parent-child bonds were well established, a solution focussed approach often assists them to move on. By that, I mean prompting each parent to identify what they want to achieve for their family and what steps they personally can take to achieve that aim. It encourages parents to listen to their children and then to take responsibility to make arrangements which work and empower each family member rather than denigrating the ex. It is a remarkably simple way forward and encourages parents to recognise how they, not the other parent, can take certain steps towards establishing harmony within the family. At the same time, children have an opportunity to express what they want, but are relieved from making inappropriate choices between their parents. Sadly, that approach just doesn’t work with some families and I have spent hours cogitating, wondering and exploring ‘what goes wrong in those cases?’ Invariably, I have come to the conclusion that so often one parent lacks the capacity to empathise with other family members, is wholly self-centred and thus jeopardises the whole family’s future happiness. I am not a psychologist, I can’t diagnose or make assessments about people’s personalities, but I am all too frequently aware that the presence of certain traits appear to sabotage any progress.

  I considered Jeremy. It would be very hard for any child to dislike such an outgoing, bubbly, big personality. However, I detected that underneath that brash extrovert lurked Jeremy’s huge need to be wanted and needed by his children. His behaviour in the months prior to separation suggested he had attempted to monopolise them. I guess he had realised that the children were Ceri’s priority and he was jealous of their bond with her. He needed Hetty to idolise him and for both children to hang on to his every word convinced that whatever he said was right and in this case, he was the only one who could keep them safe. Almost certainly, he had felt threatened and undermined, as they had rebuilt their relationship with Ceri. The tactics he employed demonstrated how troubled and fearful he was of the children’s budding relationship with their mother. Whether knowingly or not, he had put the brakes on progress, perhaps not realising (or maybe he did) just how damaging it was to his children or that the love he offered them had strings attached and couldn’t match the unconditional love Ceri gave them.

  Jeremy’s initial protests of the children’s reaction after seeing Ceri may well have been generated from his genuine concern for their well-being but as time progressed, his lack of enthusiasm and support had accelerated. He had shown a determined reluctance to accept that they enjoyed spending time with Ceri and felt safe with her and he had encouraged Hetty to share his fears. Poor Hetty experienced a positive time with Ceri and was then left bewildered and convinced that her dad genuinely wanted to keep her and Jonty safe and believed that her mum threatened their safety. Hetty’s vivid description of a parrot on her shoulder constantly nagging and reminding her of the danger that Ceri posed was particularly poignant. She longed for her dad’s support and approval to love her mum, but was thrown into turmoil when his occasional assurance that she could go if she wanted was accompanied by closed body language giving a powerful message of disapproval to her. It was those contradictory messages, together with his subtle attempts to undermine any progress of contact as their time with Ceri became more established and regular and to encourage Hetty and Jonty to question their trust in me that led me to the sad conclusion that Jeremy was never as he put it ‘going to let the other side win’. For him, this was a battle and about him winning or losing his children. They were trophies to be lost or gained. His constant need for admiration and approval, his lack of empathy or even any understanding that his children might feel differently from him. I recall him earnestly telling me that he doubted that other people had valid opinions which differed from his own, he made no attempt to disguise his disdain for Ceri and that intense negativity intensified as she began to rebuild her confidence and feelings of self-worth and to challenge him. From my discussions with experienced psychologists, I knew that somebody like Jeremy would find any criticism from me abhorrent. His instant reaction would be to belittle, ridicule or dismiss any alternative viewpoint that I may have and to undermine my trusting working relationship with Hetty and Jonty. Nevertheless, I had to find a way of challenging him that left his grandiose feelings intact. Without doubt, current family circumstances meant that he had the greatest influence on Jonty and Hetty’s lives. He was the parent who was with them for most of the time. Understandably, he shaped their views about people and about events within and outside the family. The party line within Jeremy’s family was that Ceri was a danger, the bad one, she posed a risk, could not be trusted and would cause trouble if given the opportunity. If Hetty and Jonty opposed this view, they would be risking exclusion from the family they loved, something which of course would be unthinkable for either of them at their current stages of development. Re-establishing relationships with Ceri had brought enormous satisfaction and pleasure to both children but at the same time, it had created a whirlwind of emotions for both of them. Jonty, although concerned about both his parents and their well-being, was on the whole able to compartmentalise his time with each of them and as a consequence moving between the two was just that bit easier for him. Hetty with more developed cognitive skills was constantly balancing and counter balancing her relationship with each parent. Her parrot was permanently nagging and reminding her of the danger that he had insisted Ceri posed. No matter how positive her experience with Ceri was, there was that persistent doubt in the background. She was terrified of displeasing Jeremy – she had clearly sussed that his love for her was conditional.

  I had encouraged Ceri to seek counselling. She had initially presented as a brow beaten hesitant woman, a victim, someone who had been ground down by her domineering partner and who had in that process forgotten how to voice her own views. But underneath, I could see that there was a strong, feisty woman, just longing to get out. Ceri made remarkable progress with the counselling that she arranged and funded herself. Within a short time, she was able to put her own emotions aside and to concentrate on what Hetty and Jonty needed, and this encouraged her to have patience to move at the pace which was right for them and not to pressurise them or burden them with the additional responsibility of choosing to spend more time with her and consequently less with Jeremy. She appreciated just how difficult it was for them and how fearful they were of upsetting Jeremy – just as she had experienced. As she re-established her relationships with Hetty and Jonty, they were encouraged by their new mum as she emerged more assertive and confident and in turn became more relaxed and was more fun to be with. But this threw Jeremy completely. He couldn’t cope with the new challenging, questioning Ceri who dared to stand up to him. The feistier she became, the more belligerent and obstinate he was. He constantly criticised her and expressed his fears about her, but cleverly couched these in such a way that it was as though it was the children who were experiencing ongoing fears and nightmares. He insisted that contact with Ceri rekindled their memories of terrifying times. He was equally certain that he had successfully overshadowed those by the safe and secure home life he had created for them and the last thing he wanted was for that to be sabotaged.

  I am totally convinced that child centred arrangements carefully thought out by parents after family separation are far more likely to work than those imposed by a judge or, often even worse, prepared by one parent but not really approved of by the other. Hetty and Jonty needed a swift but satisfactory conclusion to the current court proceedings. Research suggests that long drawn out litigation has a detrimental effect on children’s welfare and in addition, I didn’t want
Hetty and Jonty to become too dependent upon me. My role needed to be fleeting, to enable them to express how they felt, what they feared and hoped for in the future and to encourage both their parents to listen and to understand and to be motivated to craft their own arrangements which could work for everybody. Sadly, that approach wasn’t infallible and I needed to accept that at times, however skilful it is, that negotiation doesn’t achieve the objective. I needed to weigh up how important it was for the children in this family to maintain a good relationship with both parents. If parents can’t or won’t work together, it can, on some occasions, be far more damaging to pursue the relationship with the ‘other parent’. Just occasionally, it may be better for them to have one and not the other, but this is rare because inevitably one day children will decide themselves how to apportion blame and their relationship with the resident parent may then be irretrievably lost or damaged.

  I wanted to avoid falling into the trap of labelling Jeremy because I know full well that compartmentalising anyone can never truthfully depict the whole complexity of them as a person. However, I knew that it was essential for me to consider what encouraged his behaviour and thought patterns and how that could trigger clues to the way that I could best work with him. I realised that sadly, he may well lack the capacity to compromise regarding arrangements or to empathise with the children’s pain and confusion or even recognise and accept Ceri’s true and meaningful place in their lives. However, my role was to encourage him to see that regardless of what had happened in the past, there was now no valid reason why the children should not pursue a relationship with Ceri.