Love That Lasts Forever

by Pat Barrow

  I looked at him in amazement, “But, but –”

  “No, no no more buts, let’s leave it.”

  I didn’t have time to tell him how much I loved Mum and how much I loved him.

  When we went to bed, Dad came in. He was like his old self again. He gave me a cuddle and kissed me, told me he loved me and that I was his little princess. I breathed a sigh of relief but still heard that little niggling voice in my head ‘only because you’ve done what he wants, only because he thinks he’s got you on his side, it’s not real, not real’. “Go away!” I screamed at that pesky voice, “go away and leave me alone.”

  Mum was in a good mood when we saw her that weekend although as usual, it was all a mad rush and we didn’t get much time to talk together. She did say that Carol had been to talk to her and how pleased and hopeful she was that arrangements would be fairer so that we could spend more time with her. “Dad’s not happy,” blurted out Jonty. “He thinks it’s a rubbish idea. I do as well. I’m never going to have the right stuff, I’m going to get into trouble at school ’cos I’ll forget things.”

  “Come on,” said Mum, “we can be a bit more organised than that. We’ve got your timetable and we know what you need. If necessary, we’ll get some more PE kit so that you can’t possibly forget it.” That perked Jonty up a bit. “Yes, and we might even have the chance to have some of your friends around for tea, we never get a chance at the weekend with all your activities on.” That really won Jonty over ’cos we never had anybody around when were at Aunty’s. Dad always said that it was too difficult.

  Later, Mum chatted to me on my own. “I guess it’s really hard for you my love, isn’t it? Trying to get it right for everybody?”

  “It’s just all so muddled up, Mum. I just never know what to do and I feel like I’m the one who has to sort it all out. It always feels like it’s all my fault.”

  “What’s your fault?” she asked.

  “Well, just because it’s so difficult. Dad doesn’t seem to understand that we love you just as much as we love him. It’s like we’re being disloyal to him to love you. I can’t tell him that.” I was surprised I could tell her, but Mum listened, put her arms around me and hugged me.

  “Don’t worry love, this is for the grownups to sort out, we’re the ones that have got to get on with things and make it best for you two. I guess at times it’s easy for both of us to be selfish and want what we want, but I think your time with me has been squashed out and that doesn’t seem fair to you. This way at least we get a bit more time and proper holiday time together, so that we can plan and do things.”

  I knew that was fairer, much fairer, ’cos when Mum put it like that it seemed really sensible; it was just that when Dad described it to us, it just seemed an even worse mess than it had been before. Is that what he wanted me to think?

  However, my confidence that Mum was calm and rational – the good parent – was shattered on Saturday afternoon after Tae Kwon Do when we had gone into Welshpool and on our way home, we popped in to our favourite café for a milkshake. Mum’s friend, Jan, joined us, her son, Billy, who was in between Jonty and me was with her and we both liked him so we went to sit at another table together whilst Mum and Jan had a natter. I wasn’t intending to listen but I couldn’t help hearing Mum say, “The bastard, that f***ing bastard, he wants to take the kids completely away from me. Well, I’ll teach him, I’m going to go for full residence if he’s not careful and see how he likes that.” I sucked hard on my straw although I could hardly swallow the milkshake in my mouth. I could feel the tears in my eyes. So Mum was just as bad as Dad really, she wanted us all or nothing. Maybe she’d stop loving us too and then I wouldn’t have anybody. Perhaps I’d have to go to one of those children’s homes where they treated you really badly. Perhaps I’d never see either of them again. Perhaps they just wouldn’t want me and Jonty. Those thoughts all came zooming around my head crashing and thundering – why, why was life so horrible?

  “What’s up with you then?” said Billy and gave me a big prod. I smiled and made a big show of being the life and soul of the party again but I couldn’t help that nagging anger towards Mum and a very real fear of losing her too.

  Chapter 19

  Neither Mum nor Dad said anything further. I knew from what Carol had told us that the court date was looming. She had explained to Jonty and me that she was suggesting that we shared our time between Mum’s house and Dad’s house but that we would in fact be spending more time with Dad and just two days in the week with Mum and alternate weekends. It seemed perfectly reasonable and if I could have got those nagging doubts about both of them out of my head, then it would be okay. But I was dreading the court date. Both Mum and Dad told us when it was and reassured us that we didn’t have to worry about it. I could see that Mum was quite edgy and Dad was quieter and more moody than usual.

  The day of the court hearing came and I was expecting Dad to come home really angry but he didn’t. He completely took the wind out of my sails when he sat down and said, “Well, the court has decided that you are going to live with both of us and this is how it will be.” He explained that we would see Mum on alternate weekends and that on Wednesdays and Thursdays, we’d be living with her too and spending the rest of the time with him. We’d be spending holiday time with both of them. He seemed unexpectedly resigned to it. “Well, we’ll just have to see how it works,” he said. “We’ll give it our best shot.”

  Why didn’t I quite trust him? There was something that wasn’t quite right, it didn’t quite make sense. Why was he being so nice about it? What was going on? I tried to push all that out of my mind and just to enjoy the sense of relief that washed over me, delighted that he wasn’t going mad about it. The arrangements were due to start the following week, so on the Wednesday and Thursday, we’d be staying at Mum’s. I was excited and spent ages making sure that Jonty and I had both got the right stuff with us. Of course, we talked to Mum on the phone and we knew that she was definitely going to pick us up from school so I didn’t have any concerns. I knew that she must have made arrangements at work, as she’d never been able to collect us, Dad had always been much more flexible with his work hours.

  It was good to have Wednesdays and Thursdays with Mum although it was only the evenings we seemed to have time to just to relax and have a laugh together and do whatever we felt like doing without Dad watching. We chatted about commitments we had and she didn’t mind that we had after school clubs on Thursdays, she said that she was pleased she could be part of what we were doing at school and she hadn’t had that chance before. It all seemed fine and indeed, it was for the next couple of weeks. But then came the bombshell.

  Dad dropped it completely out of the blue. “Well kids, you know I’m always trying to be fair. I don’t want to be hard on your mum, I know how difficult it is for her, she’s really struggling to keep up with the mortgage payments and maintain the house now that we’re not here. Of course, it’s pretty big and she doesn’t earn much so I’ve done a deal with her. I’ve told her that I’m buying her out.” And he went on to explain what that meant and that we would be moving back into our old house. “So that’s good news, kids! That’s fantastic isn’t it, we’ll have everything back like it was. It’s not been right for you to be turfed out of your own place.”

  “But, but where will Mum go?” I looked at him in utter disbelief – “Where’s Mum going to go?”

  “Oh Mum will get a little place of her own and you’ll all be fine there. You may find it a bit cramped and you and Jonty may have to share a room, it just depends what she can afford.”

  “But, but, but…”

  “Never mind love, this is for the best. I’m being really generous to your mum and trying to help so she’ll have a bit more spare cash. As you know, she’s struggling and she can’t get you the treats and those little extras that you like.”

  Jonty didn’t speak. He stormed out and slammed his way up to his room. I just didn’t know what to say. Dad was
jumping around as happy as Larry. He flung his arms around me and danced me around the room. He didn’t seem to have any idea about how upset I’d be. How worried I was for Mum. Did she even know? Well, she must know but what would she do now? Why had she agreed to Dad’s plan?

  We soon found out when we went to Mum’s that weekend. She had clearly been crying. She looked upset and seemed irritable and not her usual self. She tried to make the best of it though and laughed and said, “Oh yes, we’ll get a really nice place and I’ll include you in choosing somewhere good. I might have to rent to start with because I think your dad wants it all to happen very quickly and I might not have time to buy a new place.”

  “I’m not living in some poxy rented place,” said Jonty. “I don’t want to move twice. I’m going to live just with Dad, I don’t want this.” I stared at him and so did Mum. I don’t think either of us knew quite what to say. She clearly went and had a chat with him later ’cos he seemed quite sorry and contrite. But I knew exactly how he’d been feeling. It was all messed up, with all this chopping and changing. The little niggling voice was telling me that it was just what my dad had always said – he said that it would all get too difficult.

  Just as Dad wanted, it all happened quickly and within a few weeks, Mum was packing boxes and sorting her stuff ready to leave and we were doing the same at Aunty’s. I would be sorry to leave her, she had been a good sport and she had understood me at times when I had been upset and Dad didn’t quite get it. It would be a bit weird just being us and Dad together. I worried what would happen when he went out, whether it would be hard for him to juggle his hours ’cos he had relied on Aunty quite a bit to look after us although she had been only too pleased to help out.

  Of course, I worried about Mum as well. Like she said, it had been too quick for her to arrange to buy another house so she had rented a flat over a hairdressers in the centre of Shrewsbury.

  It was quite fun really ’cos she was right amongst the busy shopping streets and you got the smells of the hairdresser wafting up. It had a big living room, a tiny kitchen and a tiny bathroom and two bedrooms. Mum explained Jonty and I could have the bigger one, but when we moved again to a proper house, she would make sure there were three bedrooms. I wasn’t that impressed having to share with Jonty. It made it a bit better because a friend of Mum’s had some bunk beds she didn’t need and she let us have them. At least I wouldn’t have to sit looking at him. I bagged the top bunk so that I could have more privacy.

  At first, it was quite good fun. It seemed like being on holiday. But the novelty quickly wore off and there just seemed to be stuff everywhere. Neither Jonty nor I were the tidiest children in the world, we’d been used to a big house. Jonty, in particular, just dropped everything where he was when he came in from school and his PE kit, shoes, rugby kit, homework, bags and stuff were just dumped in heaps. Now there never seemed anywhere to put all our stuff. I could see it got on Mum’s nerves a bit. The kitchen was so minute we couldn’t all get in it together. There wasn’t really anywhere very suitable to do homework. Of course, I made the huge mistake of telling Dad. I suppose his response was predictable. “I’ve been thinking, perhaps it’s better to suspend your Wednesday and Thursday overnight stays until Mum gets a proper place of her own. We don’t really want to go back to court. I’ll have a chat to her and see if we can sort something out, she’s bound to agree. It’ll be better my way,” he said.

  Somehow, Mum and Dad came up with a compromise. We were to go to Mum’s on Wednesdays and Thursdays after school for tea but we’d come back to Dad’s, well our old house, to sleep. It was only meant to be for the time being, but why did I just wonder – would it ever be any different again? Is this what Dad wanted all along? Because Mum had moved into Shrewsbury and we were back in Welshpool; we had to meet half way in the car park at the Windmill on the Shrewsbury to Welshpool road so that cut the evening short.

  Somehow, it hadn’t felt weird with just Mum and us in the family home, but it did with just us and Dad. For a start, he bumbled around in the kitchen and I realised that he had actually relied on Aunty to cook most of our meals. Now it was mainly convenience foods, ready meals from Marks and Spencer’s or Tesco, which Mum never did. It wasn’t that Dad couldn’t cook, he just didn’t have the time, or perhaps the inclination. Everything in the house was a bit muddled, a bit messy, not like Mum kept it. I tried to stop comparing the two but a bit of me resented the fact that Mum was living in this really cramped flat and Dad messing up our old house.

  I knew she had been looking at houses but as she said, it took time to get something which was right. She wanted it within easy reach of school but at least on the way to our Welshpool home. All this uncertainty unsettled me even more and I went through a time when I just felt really sorry for myself. Why did this have to happen to me? Why did Mum and Dad have to screw it up for me? It wasn’t fair. I looked at Suzie. She was such a good friend. “Come on, it’s not the end of the world. This happens to lots and lots of kids not just you and Jonty. You’re lucky, your mum and dad live within a few miles of each other, for lots of kids one parent lives miles away or goes abroad even and then you’re really screwed.”

  I could confide in Suzie but not completely, I had my secrets. There was that little bit which I was too afraid to even voice – that my dad would stop loving me unless I was ‘his little girl’. I knew it was like he owned me, controlled me, managed me but it was a small price to pay. I kidded myself if in return I had this wonderful, wonderful relationship with him, this love and affection and all this fun and everything I adored about him. But a bit of me realised that this meant that I had secrets about Mum too; how I felt about her, the love I had for her. It made me sad and of course if Dad saw me sad, he thought it was because I couldn’t manage the arrangements with Mum. He had already reduced my time and knocked off the two nights. Mum had agreed so it hadn’t meant going back to court but I don’t suppose she had had much choice, she knew how difficult he could be.

  Jonty and I argued like mad even at weekends when we were staying there. It wasn’t easy having a pesky little brother staying in your room. It was like I couldn’t even have any private thoughts any more. I had to get dressed and undressed on my bunk, it was really difficult and inconvenient. A bit of me wished that Jonty wouldn’t come to Mum’s that he would stay at Dad’s. But I knew that wouldn’t be fair on either him or Mum.

  The following week, Mum was really excited. By chance, she had found a house to rent that she liked and she wanted to take us to see it. Jonty and I were thrilled. She told us it where it was and gave us the address in Meole Brace in Shrewsbury. Dad Google Earthed it. He laughed, “Well, it will be pretty roomy and I guess it’s got a reasonable garden. It’s an ex council house, it looks as though it’s on the edge of a council estate. Still I guess a lot of them will be privately owned now so it won’t be quite as rough as it used to be.” Talk about pouring cold water on us – he was the world’s best at that.

  The following day was Wednesday and after school we trekked around to see this house. I loved it. I thought it was really nice and Jonty did too. But then, he turned to Mum and said, “I’m not living on a pesky council estate, I can’t have my friends around here, can I?” Was he trying to be loyal to Dad or was that what he really thought?

  Mum looked horrified. “Jonty, that’s not a very nice thing to say. Your friends come to see you, not your house or where you are. And it’s a perfectly respectable neighbourhood. That’s a really terrible thing to say. I haven’t brought you up to think like that.”

  “It’s what Dad thinks. He thinks it’s a rubbish place. It’s not just me, so don’t blame me,” said Jonty. I’d never seen Jonty like this before, he was really cross and he sort of put a black cloud over the visit.

  I squeezed Mum’s hand and said, “But I like it Mum, I think it’s lovely. And it’s got three bedrooms so we wouldn’t have to share Jonty, so stop being so mean and horrible.” He perked up a bit and insisted that
in that case, he had to have the bigger bedroom and I could have the poky little one. I didn’t mind that – anything to keep the peace.

  Mum was only renting and as nobody was living there, we had moved in within a couple of weeks. That’s one advantage of having a Mum who works at a bank I guess. She could pull a few strings and get things done quickly. Jonty had come around because Mum said we could both help paint our rooms the colours we wanted. He wanted navy blue and surprisingly, she let him but she did insist on rolling up the carpet before he started to paint.

  In the end, we all helped but Mum did the major share of the painting and Jonty’s room looked really smart – navy blue with stars and his posters. My room was in pale turquoise. I had chosen some material from the market and Mum had made some curtains and Jonty had had a roller blind like he had always wanted. The carpets were already down and they weren’t bad and with Mum’s furniture in and some new things she had bought, it looked nice. But clearly, it was nothing like the house that we were living in with Dad which was an old four bedroomed detached longhouse with a big garden down a private road. Dad said it had the ‘right’ address so that’s where Jonty got his snobby ideas from – it was from Dad.

  I surprised myself when I found that I was being a bit more critical of Dad more recently, not that I’d actually say it to his face, of course I wouldn’t but I had this sort of inner conflict going on. It wasn’t very easy to manage. Until recently, I’d batted away any negative thoughts about Dad and now the good and bad thoughts got tangled up in one horrible mess.