Romance

by David Mamet

  ACCLAIM FOR DAVID MAMET’s

  ROMANCE

  “Fitfully funny…. Zestful…. Mamet stirs a goulash of ingredients: campy jokes, rococo slurring, sexual innuendo and frivolity over Middle East peace.”

  —Time Out New York

  “Mamet’s funniest play ever…. How wickedly and well Mamet puts everything together. It’s a dazzler.”

  —The Star-Ledger

  “Romance mixes elements of W. S. Gilbert-style satire, Marx Brothersesque anarchy and, above all, Lenny Bruce like shock tactics.”

  —The New York Times

  “Deliriously funny…. Inspired. … In Romance, Mamet is at his most adept.”

  —Associated Press

  ROMANCE

  DAVID MAMET

  David Mamet was born in Chicago in 1947. He studied at Goddard College in Vermont and at the Neighborhood Playhouse School of Theater in New York. He has taught at Goddard College, the Yale School of Drama, and New York University, and lectures at the Atlantic Theater Company, of which he is a founding member. He is the author of the plays The Cryptogram, Oleanna, Speed-the-Plow, Glengarry Glen Ross, American Buffalo, and Sexual Perversity in Chicago. He has also written screenplays for such films as House of Games and the Oscar-nominated The Verdict, as well as The Spanish Prisoner, The Winslow Boy, and Wag the Dog. His plays have won the Pulitzer Prize and the Obie Award.

  ALSO BY DAVID MAMET

  PLAYS

  The Voysey Inheritance (adaptation)

  Faustus

  Boston Marriage

  The Old Neighborhood

  The Cryptogram

  Oleanna

  Speed-the-Plow

  Bobby Gould in Hell

  The Woods

  The Shawl and Prairie du Chien

  Reunion and Dark Pony and The Sanctity of Marriage

  The Poet and the Rent

  Lakeboat

  Goldberg Street

  Glengarry Glen Ross

  The Frog Prince

  The Water Engine and Mr. Happiness

  Edmond

  American Buffalo

  A Life in the Theater

  Sexual Perversity in Chicago and The Duck Variations

  FICTION

  Passover

  The Village

  The Old Religion

  Wilson

  NONFICTION

  Jafsie and John Henry

  True and False

  The Cabin

  On Directing Film

  Some Freaks

  Make-Believe Town

  Writing in Restaurants

  Three Uses of the Knife

  South of the Northeast Kingdom

  Five Cities of Refuge (with Rabbi Lawrence Kushner)

  SCREENPLAYS

  Oleanna

  Glengarry Glen Ross

  We’re No Angels

  Things Change (with Shel Silverstein)

  Hoffa

  The Untouchables

  The Postman Always Rings Twice

  The Verdict

  House of Games

  Homicide

  Wag the Dog

  The Edge

  The Spanish Prisoner

  The Winslow Boy

  State and Main

  Heist

  Spartan

  PRODUCTION NOTES

  Romance received its world premiere on March 1, 2005, at the Atlantic Theater Company, New York. Neil Pepe, Artistic Director; Andrew D. Hamingson, Managing Director.

  THE PROSECUTOR Bob Balaban

  THE DEFENDANT Steven Goldstein

  THE DEFENSE ATTORNEY Christopher Evan Welch

  THE JUDGE Larry Bryggman

  THE BAILIFF Steven Hawley

  BERNARD Keith Nobbs

  THE DOCTOR Jim Frangione

  Director Neil Pepe

  Set Designer Robert Brill

  Lighting Designer James F. Ingalls

  Costume Designer Sarah Edwards

  Sound Designer Obadiah Eaves

  Casting Director Bernard Telsey Casting

  Fight Director Rick Sordelet

  Production Stage Manager Matthew Silver

  Production Manager Kurt Gardner

  General Manager Melinda Berk

  SCENE ONE

  A courtroom.

  The JUDGE is on the bench. The DEFENDANT is being interrogated by a PROSECUTOR. The DEFENSE ATTORNEY sits at the defense bench. A BAILIFF stands at the side.

  PROSECUTOR: Who is this …?

  (All turn to sound of siren—as of motorcade passing in the streets))

  PROSECUTOR: Who is the person in the hotel room?

  DEFENDANT: I have no idea.

  PROSECUTOR: YOU were there. You were seen there.

  DEFENDANT: By whom?

  PROSECUTOR: Just answer the question please.

  DEFENDANT: Then, please may I be addressed with one? (Pause) Would you please address me with a question? (Pause) “You were seen there” is not a question.

  PROSECUTOR: Just answer the question as you've been directed.

  DEFENDANT: Well, you ask the questions, and I will attempt to answer them.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor, my client is endeavoring …

  PROSECUTOR: Excuse me?

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY:…to respond to the questions.

  PROSECUTOR: Oh, please …

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: “Oh, please?” Your Honor? I must object. This scurrilous, this sad …

  PROSECUTOR: May we be spared the …

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: This sense of “weariness,” this false, adopted, what is it? A “charade” ? A “vaudeville” …?

  PROSECUTOR: Your Honor, I object, I most strenuously object.

  JUDGE: One moment. May we not have Peace? (Pause) Is that such a strange word? You will forgive me if I pontificate a moment. Will you? If I speak of Peace. Is that not the theme of the week?

  PROSECUTOR: It is the theme of the weak. The theme of the strong, Your Honor, if I may, is truth.

  JUDGE: Yes. Thank you. The theme of this week. This week's theme. Is it not peace? If not, why are they gathered here? Why are they all come here, if not for peace?

  PROSECUTOR: It is a signal Honor, may it please the court. To welcome them.

  (Sound of sirens. All listen.)

  JUDGE: And there they go. And there they go. The great men. On their way to the Peace Conference …

  (General murmur)

  JUDGE: Mark your calendars, people. It's a Red Letter Day. Indeed it is.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Indeed it is.

  JUDGE: It Honors our fair city, and it Honors us. To see those who have come so far. (He sneezes.)

  BAILIFF: Gesundheit.

  JUDGE: Thank you. And. On our way to work today. The faces. Lining the streets. Perhaps you saw them? This man or that woman. Enemies, perhaps, certainly no more than strangers. Reaching out. Because of our Visitors. Yes. Yes. We have strife. But, but, their presence here … (Almost sneezes, but holds it) I'm sorry, did I take my pill?

  BAILIFF: YOU did, Your Honor.

  JUDGE: Thank you. Instructs us, that perhaps, the aim of strife is not Victory. No, but simple peace.

  ALL: Mmmm.

  JUDGE: (Pause) I'm sorry to've taken your time. Continue.

  (Pause)

  PROSECUTOR: Thank you, Your Honor … did you contact … ?

  DEFENDANT: NO.

  PROSECUTOR: I must ask you to … refrain from interrupting.

  DEFENDANT: Might I have a glass of water?

  JUDGE: Get him a glass of water.

  DEFENDANT: Thank you, Your Honor.

  (The BAILIFF brings the DEFENDANT a glass of water)

  PROSECUTOR: Let me begin again. Did you physically contact a person in Room …

  JUDGE:… and could someone get my pill, please … ?

  BAILIFF:
Your Honor, you've taken your pill.

  JUDGE: I took my pill?

  BAILIFF: Your Honor, yes.

  PROSECUTOR: DO you require me to repeat the definition of “contact” ?

  DEFENDANT: I do not.

  PROSECUTOR: I will ask you once again. Do you require me to repeat the definition?

  JUDGE: I took my pill, then why do I have to sneeze?

  (The BAILIFF brings a vial of pills. The JUDGE sneezes)

  BAILIFF: Gesundheit, Your Honor.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Gesundheit.

  JUDGE: Thank you.

  PROSECUTOR: Your Honor, I do not wish to descend to the “picayune,” but as my colleague has wished you Gesundheit, I feel that I must wish you Gesundheit.

  JUDGE: Thank you.

  PROSECUTOR: In fairness to the State.

  JUDGE: Thank you.

  PROSECUTOR: Gesundheit.

  JUDGE: Thank you. (Pause) Where were we?

  PROSECUTOR: (TO the DEFENDANT) DO you require me to repeat the definition of…

  JUDGE: Because, I don't know about you people, but I'm moved. Yes. Yes. One becomes callous. But yes, again, we may learn. When we see Two Warring Peoples, Arabs and Jews, an Ancient Enmity. Opposed since Bible times, I'm sorry. I'm moved. Did anyone see the parade?

  DEFENDANT: I did, Your Honor.

  PROSECUTOR: I did, Your Honor, too.

  JUDGE: I was moved, I'm sorry. (Sneezes)

  ALL: (Pause) Gesundheit.

  PROSECUTOR: All right. You are a chiropodist, are you not?

  DEFENDANT: I am not.

  PROSECUTOR: Your Honor, I ask that the defendant be instructed to …

  DEFENDANT: I am a chiropractor.

  PROSECUTOR: I beg your pardon, I intended to say chiropractor. You are a chiropractor, are you not?

  DEFENDANT: I am.

  JUDGE: And I would like to apologize for being late.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Not at all, Your Honor.

  JUDGE: YOU people are giving up your time, I see no reason why I should subject you to any further, uh, uh …

  PROSECUTOR: Not at all, Your Honor.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: That's very gracious of you.

  JUDGE: Curiously, I was late because of the parade. I took my pill, but I could not remember if I had taken my pill. As they do tend to make one groggy. So I returned to my house. To, to, to take my “pill;” which rendered me late as, on my leaving the house, I encountered the Parade. (Pause) I would have been on time if not for the … (Pause)

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Of course, Your Honor.

  JUDGE: Parade. A policeman. Stopped them, for a moment. Just to let me through. He didn't have to do that. He had no idea who I am. Call me a Weepy Old Fool.

  (Pause)

  PROSECUTOR: All right. When, could you tell me, please, did you last leave the country?

  DEFENDANT: Thank you, Your Honor, for the water.

  JUDGE: I need a glass of water, too.

  (BAILIFF goes for the glass of water.)

  PROSECUTOR: When did you last leave the country?

  JUDGE: Because I have to take my pill.

  DEFENDANT: This country?

  JUDGE: I mentioned the parade.

  PROSECUTOR: Indeed, Your Honor did. (Pause)

  JUDGE: Good.

  PROSECUTOR: (TO THE DEFENDANT) IS this your signature?

  DEFENDANT: (Pause) I do not know.

  PROSECUTOR: Does it appear to be your signature? (Pause)

  DEFENDANT: I don't know.

  JUDGE: SO many people. But, I suppose, that's the nature of a parade.

  (A slight susurrus of appreciation)

  PROSECUTOR: Surely you know if it's your signature?

  DEFENDANT: I …

  PROSECUTOR: IS it like your signature?

  DEFENDANT: Yes.

  PROSECUTOR: In what way? (Pause)

  DEFENDANT:… it is written … it is written similarly to my signature …

  PROSECUTOR: It is … (Pause)

  DEFENDANT: I just said so.

  PROSECUTOR: Similarly to your signature. Fine.

  JUDGE: I guess what I am trying to say is this: We get caught up in the “form,” the Law, Religion, Nationality … uh … skin color. And then, and then, miraculously, miraculously, now and then, and by the grace of God, we are free. And see, that, underneath, we love each other.

  ALL: Mmm.

  JUDGE: That two world leaders, steeped in enmity … (Pause)

  PROSECUTOR: Momentous days, Your Honor.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Yes, momentous days, Your Honor.

  JUDGE: I think we can so stipulate.

  (Laughter from the two attorneys.)

  JUDGE: And I'm not even Jewish …

  PROSECUTOR: On the date in question …

  JUDGE: YOU know, I'd like to take that back. I don't even know why I say “not even.” I believe a more “neutral” expression might have been “And I'm not Jewish.” (Pause) Proceed.

  PROSECUTOR: HOW does this signature differ from your signature? (Pause)

  DEFENDANT: I don't know.

  PROSECUTOR: YOU said this resembles your signature In Part.

  DEFENDANT: I did …

  PROSECUTOR: Let me suggest to you that I would like you to inform me in what way this differs from your signature. (Pause)

  DEFENDANT: I don't know.

  PROSECUTOR: Then would you say they are the same?

  JUDGE: One moment.

  PROSECUTOR: Yes, Your Honor.

  JUDGE: The pills, I believe, have made me “drowsy,” and I beg your pardon, but, if you'd indulge me: What is the difference, between a chiropodist and a chiropractor?

  DEFENDANT: A chiropractor aligns the spine, to create both physical and spiritual harmony.

  JUDGE: And the other fellow?

  DEFENDANT: He rubs people's feet.

  JUDGE: For pay} {Pause)

  DEFENDANT: Yes, Your Honor.

  JUDGE: And you're which, now?

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor, my client is a chiropractor. {Pause)

  PROSECUTOR: All right. Do you deny this is your signature?

  DEFENDANT: May I have a moment? {He goes into conference with his attorney.)

  JUDGE: (TO BAILIFF) Jimmy: Is it hot in here?

  BAILIFF: Would Your Honor like the window opened?

  DEFENDANT: I can neither deny nor affirm that signature is mine.

  PROSECUTOR: What would assist you?

  {Pause. Conference between DEFENDANT and his ATTORNEY)

  JUDGE: NO, no, I think I prefer the heat to the noise.

  DEFENDANT: I cannot say that there is any thing which would assist me.

  JUDGE: Because it's noisy. Well it's noisier because of the parade … {Pause) So much of life is a choice, between the lesser of two evils. {Pause) I suppose that's what I'm here for …

  ALL: {Dutiful laughter)

  {Pause)

  JUDGE: They rub people's feet for “pay.”

  DEFENDANT: Yes. Your Honor.

  JUDGE: Ah, well…

  DEFENDANT: I quite agree, Your Honor. {Pause)

  PROSECUTOR: I have here a document, which bears your signature. Do you recognize it?

  DEFENDANT: It is a check.

  PROSECUTOR: It is one of your checks. It bears your account number. Your name is printed on it. It was signed by you. Do you … and it was honored by the bank. Do you acknowledge it to be your signature? Let me put it differently: Do you dispute it?

  DEFENDANT: May I have a rest?

  PROSECUTOR: DO you dispute it? A check. In the amount of this credit card bill. The bill contains a charge for two airfares. Here is the credit card slip. Signed by you.

  JUDGE: YOU know …

  PROSECUTOR: Your Honor, if I might continue, here is the check signed by you. Both signatures were accepted as valid, one by the travel agency, one by the bank. You disputed neither.

  DEFENDANT: I might have gone to Hawaii.

  PROSECUTOR: Ah.

  DEFENDANT: But that would not be said
to be leaving the country.

  PROSECUTOR: Perhaps you would confine yourself to responding to my questions.

  DEFENDANT: It is not leaving the country.

  PROSECUTOR: What is not?

  DEFENDANT: A trip to Hawaii.

  PROSECUTOR: YOU went to Hawaii?

  DEFENDANT: I did not say that.

  PROSECUTOR: Yes you did.

  DEFENDANT: But… but… might I… might I finish? Might I finish? Might I have an opportunity to explain myself? Do you think? In the midst of this, this … in the midst of this inquisition? (Pause) Do you think? As one human being, speaking to another? I might do that?

  PROSECUTOR: Might I suggest if you wish to have the proceedings terminated happily and quickly you might do well to respond to my questions? Now. Did you, in the months in question, leave the Mainland}

  DEFENDANT: (Pause) I do not recall.

  JUDGE: What?

  PROSECUTOR: He does not recall.

  JUDGE: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. My mind was drifting. He does not recall what?

  PROSECUTOR: If he left the Mainland.

  JUDGE: Isn't that something one would know?

  PROSECUTOR: I quite agree, Your Honor.

  JUDGE: Don't you know, son, if you left the Mainland?