The god of hell: a play
Page 5
HAYNES
: Can I still get my Krispy Kremes?
WELCH
: Of course you can. You know you can. We would never deny you your Krispy Kremes.
(HAYNES, still holding on to his crotch with both hands, starts moving slowly toward basement stairs.)
HAYNES
: My Mallomars?
WELCH
: You bet.
HAYNES
: My comic books?
WELCH
: They’re waiting for you back at Rocky Buttes.
(HAYNES twitches at the sound of the name, and another blue flash comes from his crotch.)
We’ll have to get that twitching and flashing taken care of, though, Haynes. You can’t walk around like a popping neon sign. We’ll get that corrected for you back at base.
HAYNES
: (
getting closer to stairs
) Do you think I could—I could have my music too? Do you remember my music?
WELCH
: Well—I don’t know about that. It might be possible. I’ll try to pull some strings.
HAYNES
: I’d like to hear my music again.
(HAYNES goes down staircase and disappears.)
WELCH
: I’ll do everything in my power, Haynes. Everything humanly possible.
(WELCH resumes his stapling. Lights fade to black with sound of stapler as music comes in over the top and plays through break.)
End Scene Two: MUSIC INTERLUDE
Scene Three
Same Set: Evening. EMMA standing on kitchen counter taking down WELCHs string of flags. FRANK enters from outside through porch door dressed in suit and tie exactly like WELCHs and carrying an attaché case exactly like WELCHs. He walks very bowlegged and sore as though something terrible has happened to his genitalia. He hobbles to center of room, stops, and just stands there staring at EMMA.
EMMA
: (
standing on counter
) Where’ve you been? I was looking all over the place for you. Didn’t you hear me? I was yelling and yelling—
FRANK
: I didn’t hear you.
(EMMA climbs down from counter, bundling up string of flags in her arms, and crosses to FRANK.)
EMMA
: What’s happened to you? What’s the matter?
FRANK
: I’ve sold the heifers.
EMMA
: What?
FRANK
: I sold the heifers. Money’s in here. (
holds up case
)
EMMA
: Why’d you do that, Frank? Those were your replacement heifers.
FRANK
: Got a good price.
EMMA
: What’re you doing in that ridiculous suit?
FRANK
: Mr. Welch gave it to me.
EMMA
: Mr. Welch?
FRANK
: Yes.
EMMA
: That stranger? The one who barged in here asking about the house? Stringing up flags on my cupboards?
FRANK
: That’s the one. He bought my heifers too.
EMMA
: No! Frank, you take that money back! You take it back right now. That’s nuts—
FRANK
: He’s gone.
EMMA
: Well, you go find him and give that money back! You’ve got no business—
FRANK
: He won’t be back here until Tuesday. There’s going to be a meeting.
EMMA
: A meeting? Where? Here? Not here there isn’t.
FRANK
: That’s what he said.
EMMA
: This has gone far enough! I’m getting the sheriff out here.
FRANK
: We don’t need the sheriff. There’s no crime. What’s the crime?
EMMA
: This guy is taking over our house! He’s taking over our whole life! Stringing up flags! Forcing cookies on me! Who is this guy? We don’t know him from Adam!
FRANK
: He’s from the government, Emma.
EMMA
: Oh, you talked to him? You’re big buddies now?
FRANK
: He’s from the government!
EMMA
: What government?
FRANK
: Our government.
EMMA
: I don’t know what our government is anymore. Do you? What does that mean, “our government”?
FRANK
: That means he knows more than us. He’s smarter than us. He knows the big picture, Emma. He’s got a plan.
EMMA
: What big picture is that?
FRANK
: The Enemy. He knows who the Enemy is.
EMMA
: What enemy?
(FRANK hobbles painfully, bowlegged, over toward the basement stairs.)
FRANK
: Where’s Graig? Have you seen him?
EMMA
: Why are you walking like that?
FRANK
: Where’s Graig!?
EMMA
: I have no idea.
FRANK
: (
yelling downstairs
) Graig!!
EMMA
: What in the world has gotten into you, Frank?
FRANK
: You don’t have the slightest clue what’s going on here, do you, Emma? We’ve been infiltrated!
EMMA
: What?
(FRANK begins cruising the rooms suspiciously, looking into corners, behind the plants.)
FRANK
: Targeted. We’re in the crosshairs right now, as we speak. Any second now the plants could blow up. The windows shattered.
EMMA
: The plants?
FRANK
: The milking parlor! The barn! The tractor!
EMMA
: The tractor?
FRANK
: The manure spreader! The whole kitchen could explode!
EMMA
: Stop it!
FRANK
: You don’t want to hear about it, do you, Emma? You’d much rather go on thinking it’s just the two of us, lost out here in an ocean of snow and ice. Milk and cheese. One monotonous frozen day after another.
EMMA
: I’m perfectly happy out here.
FRANK
: Where is Graig!?
EMMA
: I told you, I don’t know. Last time I saw him he went down in the basement. Why are you walking like that?
FRANK
: I’m in pain!
(He goes to sofa and collapses. Pause. EMMA goes to him.)
EMMA
: Frank, what happened? What have they done to you?
(EMMA bends down and touches FRANKs shoulder, and a blue flash of light comes from him. EMMA screams and jumps back.)
FRANK
: Don’t touch me! I’m contaminated!
EMMA
: What?
FRANK
: You didn’t believe that static shock business, did you? He’s a carrier. He was sent here to do us in.
EMMA
: Sent here? Who would have sent him? I thought he was your friend?
FRANK
: He’s a traitor! He’s betrayed us all. A pretender. They look like us. They act like us. But underneath they’re deadly.
(EMMA rushes over to the potted plants and starts pushing them toward the door. She stacks them all up against the door to block it.)
What’re you doing?
EMMA
: (
as she works
) Nobody’s getting in here anymore. Nobody!
FRANK
: There’s going to be a meeting, Emma. Tuesday.
EMMA
: No meeting! No Mr. Welch! No Mr. Haynes! Nobody! We are closing our doors to the outside world! I don’t care if they set fire to Lake Michigan
! This house is closed!
FRANK
: You can’t stop them.
EMMA
: (
still working
) That’s the whole trouble—the open-door policy. The friendly neighbor—the borrowing salt and sugar. All that’s gonna end. I can’t believe you’d sell us down the river like this, Frank! I can’t believe it.
FRANK
: What?
EMMA
: For a bunch of heifers! What’d he give you for those heifers, anyway?
FRANK
: (
still on couch
) It’s not that. It’s not that so much.
EMMA
: Well, what is it then? You were happy with those heifers, Frank. We were both happy with those heifers. Now they’re gone! For what?
FRANK
: For what they are going to contribute to the future security of this nation, Emma!
(EMMA stops cold, stares at him)
EMMA
: What?
FRANK
: You heard me.
EMMA
: Heifers? How are heifers going to contribute to the national security?
FRANK
: You’ll see. It’s all going to be revealed at the meeting. You’re going to be very proud of those heifers, Emma. I guarantee you.
EMMA
: (
charging
FRANK
) There’s not going to be any meeting!!!
FRANK
: Don’t touch me!!
(A piercing scream from HAYNES comes from the basement. EMMA and FRANK freeze. Long pause)
EMMA
: (
heavy whisper
) What was that?
FRANK
: Don’t go down there.
EMMA
: I’m not going down there.
FRANK
: It’s a trap.
EMMA
: Frank—how did this happen? How could this be happening to us? We were living so—
FRANK
: We weren’t paying attention, Emma. We let things slip right past us. I should’ve known the minute he called me from Rocky Buttes—
EMMA
: Don’t say that name!
FRANK
: What?
EMMA
: That name—you shouldn’t be tossing that around. It’s top secret.
FRANK
: Is that what he told you?
EMMA
: Who?
FRANK
: Graig.
EMMA
: I thought he was your friend.
FRANK
: So did I.
EMMA
: Maybe they’re in this together—the two of them. A conspiracy.
FRANK
: No.
EMMA
: Why not? He sends Haynes out here to soften us up; then he steps in for the kill.
FRANK
: Kill? Who? Mr. Welch?
EMMA
: Yes.
FRANK
: Mr. Welch is a righteous man!
(Another sharp scream from HAYNES out of the basement. FRANK and EMMA freeze.)
EMMA
: One of us has to go down there.
FRANK
: That’s just what they want, Emma. That’s exactly what they want.
EMMA
: They? See—how many of them are there?
FRANK
: I don’t know.
EMMA
: It sounds like he’s being tortured.
FRANK
: He’s used to that.
EMMA
: I’m going down there!
FRANK
: No!
(FRANK grabs her but lets go immediately as another bolt of light comes from his arm. Pause. EMMA stares at him.)
EMMA
: Frank, the whole world can’t just suddenly get turned inside out like this overnight.
(The sounds of heavy, labored breathing, feet scraping against the basement staircase; a low moaning comes from basement. EMMA and FRANK stare in that direction. Slowly, WELCH appears in shirtsleeves coming up the stairs backward, pulling on a long black electrical cord apparently tied to something heavy at the bottom of the stairs.)
WELCH
: (
breathing heavily, pulling on cord
) This—this is what we’re up against now, Frank. Lying, deception, manipulating the truth! Right here in your own home. Right down in your own basement! A man who claims to be your friend. An ally. Can you believe it? There he was, hovering down there in a corner, plotting your annihilation. I finally got it out of him. Got to the nasty rock bottom of it.
EMMA
: You’re not torturing him, are you? What’re you doing?
WELCH
: Torturing? Torturing! We’re not in a Third World nation here, Emma. This isn’t some dark corner of the Congo. Frank, haven’t you told her about our new platform? Our design for the new century?
EMMA
: (
moving toward stairs
) What are you doing to Mr. Haynes?
WELCH
: Haynes? That’s not his name, Emma. That never was his name. That’s just a cover so he can sneak around and deceive innocent people like you and Frank.
(WELCH punches a button attached to the black cord. HAYNES yells out in pain from below. EMMA runs to top of stairs and looks down.)
EMMA
: Oh, my God! Frank! He’s got him by the penis!
(FRANK stands suddenly on couch, grabbing his own crotch.)
FRANK
: What?
EMMA
: Come and look! He’s got that cord attached to his penis. (
to
WELCH
,
charging him, hitting his shoulders
) You stop that right now! Just stop it!
(WELCH pushes her away roughly, keeps ahold of cord. FRANK keeps standing on couch, holding his crotch.)
WELCH
: Now’s not the time for hysterics, Emma. We just fall into their game plan that way. Isn’t that right, Frank? Isn’t that what we discussed? I’m surprised you haven’t had a chance to talk things over with Emma.
EMMA
: Stop calling me by my name! I hate that!
WELCH
: She needs to get on the same page. Stop acting like some whacked-out subversive. You’ve explained the dangers to her, haven’t you? Frank? The folly of mixed messages?
FRANK
: (
still on couch, holding crotch
) She doesn’t know a thing.
EMMA
: What don’t I know?
WELCH
: Well, we’ve got to get her involved, Frank. She can’t be flopping around on the outside of the loop, like a fish outa water. It’s too risky.
EMMA
: What don’t I know!? What don’t I know!? That’s what I want to know!
WELCH
: Let’s get your pal Haynes up here. See what kind of a mood he’s in now. Maybe he’s ready to shed some light on the whole project. What do you say, Emma?
(WELCH punches the buttons on the remote control. HAYNES screams from below.)
EMMA
: Stop doing that! That’s got to be hurting—
WELCH
: Sounds like he might be ready to give us a few clues. (
yelling down to
HAYNES
as he hauls him up with cord
) Come on up here now! Front and center, Mr. “Haynes.”
(A scream from HAYNES as WELCH hauls him to the top of the stairs and into the room. HAYNES comes crashing up, clutching the black cord with both hands. The cord runs directly into the fly of HAYNES’s pants. HAYNES is now in T-shirt, bare feet, and old khaki pants. He wears a black hood on his head. He stands there panting. WELCH rips the hood off. EMMA—off to the side, horrified. FRANK stays standing on couch, staring ou
t at audience and clutching his crotch.)
(holding cord) There we go! Finally, we have arrived! Haven’t we, Haynes? Debriefed, recoded, resurfaced, and good to go!
EMMA
: (
to
WELCH
) Is that attached to his penis? Is that cord actually attached—
WELCH
: Well, we don’t want to give away too many secrets, do we, Emma? These techniques are well guarded—
EMMA
: Because if that is attached to his—thing, then there’s no question that this is torture! This is absolute torture! I don’t care what country we’re in.
WELCH
: (
offering cord to
EMMA
) Would you like to hold him for a little while, Emma?
EMMA
: (
backing away
) No! No, I would
not
like to hold him.
WELCH
: It’s just like holding the leash of a well-behaved dog.
EMMA
: Frank!
WELCH
: Exactly the same.
EMMA
: Frank! Snap out of it!
FRANK
: (
out to audience again
) It’s times like this you remember the world was perfect once. Absolutely perfect. Powder blue skies. Hawks circling over the bottom fields. The rich smell of fresh-cut alfalfa laying in lazy wind rows. The gentle bawling of spring calves calling to their mothers. I miss the Cold War so much.
WELCH
: (
to
HAYNES
) Sit!
(WELCH punches a button on the remote control and HAYNES immediately goes to his knees like a trained dog.)
Now, Frank—turn around and say hello to your old compadre.
FRANK
: (
stays standing on couch, facing audience
) He is no compadre of mine. He’s a two-faced, camel-loving—
WELCH
: Now, now—we mustn’t judge him too harshly. We’re all guilty of a little backsliding from time to time. A little left-leaning—
EMMA
: (
to
WELCH
) Could I get him some water at least?
WELCH
: Of course.
(EMMA goes to sink, gets water. HAYNES, on his knees, starts ranting as EMMA brings water back to him.)
HAYNES
: (
on knees
) This is that moment—that place in time. You remember—there were these—there are, now—history. This is it now. Where we move—where we—we must—seize the day. That’s it! We must—snap ourselves back into it. Grab ahold. Jump right in there and smash the holy shit out of them before they get any more smart-ass ideas. This is it! We must—don’t you know that? Don’t you know?