“I have a feeling we won’t be down for dinner.” Her hands started sliding over his chest, searching for buttons. Gilles shook his head as lust exploded within him.
“No. We most certainly will not.” He groaned as he claimed her lips as his hands tore at her dress and he vowed that they wouldn’t be seen until at least noon the next day.
Unfortunately, Alastair would find a way to draw them out much sooner.
Chapter 63
“How do you feel?” Alastair asked gently as Giselle’s eyes fluttered open. He had watched her face for hours without moving, waiting for any sign that she was emerging from deep sleep and returning to consciousness. Seeing her eyes open fully was like watching the sun rise. Alastair didn't think there could be anything more beautiful. They had been able to rouse her enough to drink soup and tea (which she grumbled stubbornly about despite being barely awake) a few times a day over the last three days. But other than the times she was forced to wake, Giselle had slept deeply, constantly.
“Tired.” She yawned. Alastair smiled as he helped her sit up. “How long have I been asleep?” Her face pulled back as he held a teacup to her lips. He narrowed his eyes at her threateningly. She took a sip and wrinkled her nose.
“Three days.” He said as he waited with the cup close to her lips. She had already spit her tea out defiantly a few times.
“Three days! I feel as if I could sleep for three days more. I’ve never been so tired in my life.” Giselle complained as he lifted the cup again. “Isn’t there anything else?” She fussed and he laughed softly.
“Soup. If you behave and can stay awake long enough, I can see about something a little more substantial. You’re recovering from a very serious injury and tremendous blood loss. And I understand it’s common for pregnant women to suffer from extreme fatigue.” Alastair raised his eyes from her lips. Giselle’s eyes were huge and shimmered.
“I’m still… I didn’t lose the baby?” Her voice was a weak, ragged whisper. He held on tight to the teacup and saucer as he waited until the urge to pull her into his arms passed. He set them down carefully and took her hand in his. He brought it to his lips and kissed it as he stroked her cheek gently.
“The doctor doesn’t think you will lose the baby but we just have to wait. He said you need to rest for at least two weeks and avoid anything strenuous. You're to be calm and eat well.” Alastair watched the different emotions play across her face. He saw relief, worry, hope, joy and fear. He frowned as she swallowed nervously.
“Are you mad at me?” Giselle’s voice was fragile as she stared into his eyes. He pulled away from her and sat back.
“I haven’t let myself think about that. I’m just focusing on how relieved I am that you’re alive and taking care of you.” Alastair felt his shoulders and neck tighten as he thought about how close he came to losing everything and how helpless and sick he’d felt when she told him she was pregnant. The idea that she had put her desire for vengeance ahead of him and their baby made his hands shake with fury. He had to keep it away until he could manage it. “I think we should leave that conversation for another time.” It took effort to keep his voice even. Giselle frowned and her brows pulled together.
“Why?” Her eyes searched his face.
“Because I’m afraid I’ll give in to the urge to shake you and I’ve caused you enough pain this week.” Alastair looked at her pointedly.
“I need to explain. I need to know that you understand. If I lost the baby tomorrow and you never talked to me again… I’d need you to know.” She whispered as tears spilled from her eyes. He shifted in his seat as his head started to hurt and pinched the bridge of his nose.
“I will still talk to you if you lose the baby, Giselle. I would be incredibly sad but it wouldn’t change my feelings for you.” He was starting to get frustrated. All he wanted was for her heal and for them to move forward with their lives. Getting angry and demanding explanations wasn’t in line with Granville’s orders.
“I’m afraid you’ll blame me and resent me if I lose the baby, Alastair. Even if you don’t leave me, I don’t know if I could live with that.” Giselle’s crying was starting to gain momentum and it was making Alastair anxious and a little angry. He wanted to calm her but he also wanted to be in a different room. He craned his neck, trying to get the muscles to loosen.
“I would have to blame myself as well, as I’m the one that shot you.” He thought that attempting a joke might help with the tension but Giselle just shook her head and looked even more upset.
“But you wouldn’t have needed to if I hadn’t been caught.” She whispered. Alastair threw his hands in the air. His temper was starting to unravel the more he thought about the events on The Chimera.
“That’s correct. Why don’t I save us some time, Giselle? You wouldn’t have been captured if you hadn’t risked your life to stop a man from shooting me. I might not have been close to getting shot if you hadn’t taken it upon yourself to lay siege to a ship on your own, forcing us to rush on board before our reinforcements came. You wouldn’t have felt the need to move without Digby if I would have found The Chimera sooner and allowed us more time to plan a better attack. But ultimately, no one would have entertained, for one moment, the idea of you going anywhere near that ship if you had told me you were pregnant.” He was on the verge of yelling. He shut his eyes and took a deep breath. “Does that sum everything up or is there anything that I’ve left out?” He knew he was being condescending but it felt like the only option other than outright screaming. He looked at her expectantly and she shook her head weakly. Her eyes were so large and drenched in tears, Alastair had to grip the arms of the chair tightly to keep from pulling her into his arms or storming form the room. She was tearing him apart. “Then, why? Why did you do it, Giselle? Why did you put yourself and our baby at risk like that?” He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees as he stared at her. She pulled in a long, shuddering breath and looked down at her lap. He wanted to pull her face toward his but he didn’t trust himself to touch her.
“I love them all, Alastair!” She whispered. “I never had brothers and sisters and my mother died so many years ago. I spent so many years imagining what it would be like if I had grown up with all of you. And when I met you, I wanted you to be mine. And then you were, even though I tried to keep it from happening. And Mirabelle and Lucien became mine too. Gilles was already mine but then Elise was too. And The Mothers, Alastair! They're so lovely and they treated me as if I was theirs…” Giselle pressed her hand to her mouth as big, sobbing gasps shook her. Alastair raised his hands, trying to calm her. He pressed them to her chest, trying to keep her from causing her wound to bleed.
“Please, you have to stop. If you open your wound, you risk getting it infected.” Alastair sat on the bed next to her and took her hand in his. “I understand your feelings for my family. They love you too. They’ve been terribly worried about you the last few days. The Mothers and Mirabelle have taken turns helping me care for you. The whole family would have been devastated to lose you.” This time he did take her chin and raise her face to his.
“That’s why I couldn’t tell you until it was over. I had to go. I didn’t want to be responsible for taking you or Gilles or Lucien away from them. Gilles and Lucien already have children! I didn’t want to be the one to make Elise or Mirabelle widows or to break The Mothers’ hearts. I had to go and do everything I could to protect all of you.” Her eyes searched his, willing him to understand. He felt his body relax and warmth flooded his chest. She was protecting the family, she hadn’t put her need for revenge before him. He leaned forward and kissed her forehead.
“I understand.” Alastair wiped the tears from her face. “Do you have any idea how destroyed I would have been if I had lost you? Even if I hadn’t known about the baby?” He couldn’t stop his voice from breaking. Giselle nodded and pressed her lips to his.
“But you would be alive and so would Gilles and Lucien. I would’t have ruined Eli
se and Mirabelle’s lives or broken The Mothers’ hearts.” She pressed her hand to Alastair’s cheek and he kissed it.
“You would have broken all of our hearts. But it’s over now. No matter what happens, we have each other.” It was getting harder to be gentle. He wanted so badly to hold her. He loved her so much and the realization that one day soon, she would leave that bed and they would start a life together made him feel giddy with joy. “I think we should talk about when you’d like to get married and where we’re going to live.” Alastair leaned back on his elbow and was about to pull her hand to his lips when he saw her frowning. He knew it was a lot to consider. She had made her distaste for London known many times and there were many options to consider away from Town. He reached for her cheek and thought he’d tease her. “Of course, if you’d like to cry off our engagement, being shot by your fiancé would be an acceptable reason.” His smile fell when she shook her head and started to cry again.
“I would never blame you!” She swore. Alastair sat up.
“You can’t break it off, Giselle.” He warned. “Not after everything that’s happened.” He couldn’t believe the uncertainty he saw in her eyes. His heart started to beat faster and his gut clenched. He had never been more sure of anything and she was still fighting it. Alastair stood and began pacing as he became frantic. He had done everything and he might still fail. He turned toward her and shook his head. “You have to stop this. You’re going to tear me apart.” He tugged at his cravat, trying to make it easier to breathe. Giselle reached for him and he shook his head wildly.
“Alastair, please!” She begged. He turned from her and started pacing again. If he stayed in motion he wouldn’t feel the pressure building within his chest as much.
“No, I did everything! I destroyed anything linked to your past at the War Office. The ton thinks that you’ve been hiding in the countryside for years and that you’re an innocent victim of an abduction plot. Your reputation is safe.” He held up a finger and continued. “I showed you that I can handle going about in society and live with the extra attention and obligations. I did not suffer greatly because of the annoyance and discomfort of the added scrutiny.” He held up a second finger. “I showed you that we can handle the ton and much worse as a team.” A third finger as he started pacing faster. “I have embraced the chaos, Giselle. Every time I wanted to stop you, to keep you safe, I didn’t. I stood back and watched as you did things that made my blood run cold.” Finger number four went up. “It goes without saying that I have well and truly compromised you. You’ve been sharing a bed with me for weeks.” Alastair held up his fifth finger and pushed his hand in her direction. “There is also the fact that you’re carrying my child and will most likely continue to do so.” He didn’t bother with adding another finger, he already looked like an idiot. “Finally, and it really shouldn’t be the last because it really is the first and only thing that matters, I love you and you love me.” He stopped and placed his hands on his hips as he looked at Giselle. He took a deep breath and told himself that he’d made a very good argument and that there was no way she could deny him. His heart plummeted to his feet when he saw her lip tremble.
“I don’t know! What if I do lose the baby and it’s too hard…” Alastair felt his control snap and he covered his face with his hands and screamed. He threw his head back and breathed deeply as he tried to keep from roaring.
“How could you not know? Why are you doing this to me, Giselle?” He stared at her wildly. “You’ve said that you don't want to hurt me but do you know what you’ve done to me?” His eyes drilled into hers as she shook her head. “I knew that I had nothing of my own and I was fine with that. If I wanted to be in a home, I could go to Spencer Place or Clerendon House. If I wanted to be in the presence of love, I just had to go to the family. If I wanted to hold a child that I loved, I had Ethan and Charlotte. I knew that when I went back to Burton Place, I was empty and alone and I was fine with that. I was fine, Giselle. Because I had peace and order and I didn’t have to expose myself to anyone or give anyone power over me. Then, you came along and I had to have you no matter how much it scared or hurt me. And along the way, you gave me a soul. I didn’t believe there was such a thing before you. I thought it was poetic and spiritual nonsense. But you gave me a soul. And now, you’re ripping it from my body and destroying it. Why? Why would you do this?” He felt his eyes burning and tears scalded his cheeks. Giselle reached for him again. She was shaking and sobbing.
“Alastair, please! I’m sorry!” She gasped. He felt like he was suffocating, he needed to get out. Alastair was afraid that she would make another excuse and he would lose his mind or start shaking her, or both.
“I will give you a month. If you are no longer pregnant and you want to end our engagement, I won’t bother you again. If you are still carrying my child, you will marry me immediately. There will be no more excuses. If you try to run away, I will find you, or die trying. If you try to keep my child from me… Do not try to keep my child from me.” He stared at Giselle until the sight of her was burned into his memory and then he pulled the door open and walked out.
“Alastair?” She called after him. He clenched his jaw and kept going. “Alastair, come back!” She yelled. He marched down the stairs swiftly. “Alastair!” She screamed. He kept his eyes on the front door. Bennings came into the hall to investigate and ran as he saw Alastair moving toward the door. “Alastair!” Giselle’s scream echoed through the house. Mirabelle stepped into the hall just as Bennings pulled the front door opened.
“Alastair?” Mirabelle called after him. He shook his head and kept going.
“Alastair!” Giselle’s voice was hoarse and desperate. He closed his ears to it. He didn’t want to worry that she might hurt herself or the baby by being so upset. He had to get away before she destroyed him.
Chapter 64
“What do you mean, you can’t find him?” Mirabelle thundered. Giselle felt the ache that had settled in her chest explode. She must have made some sort of sound, Mirabelle’s hand tightened around hers. Gilles sighed as he fell into the chair next to the bed.
“No one has seen him or heard from him since he left here. I have people looking everywhere, I’m doing everything I can.” He promised. Giselle opened her eyes and looked at him. He looked tired and in need of fresh clothes and a shave. Mirabelle shook her head.
“It doesn’t seem possible that someone can just walk out of the door and vanish. I would have thought that between you and Lucien, you would have enough power to find anyone, Gilles.” Mirabelle complained. Gilles grimaced as he rubbed the back of his neck.
“Normally, I would agree. But this is Alastair. He knows everything we know and more. If he doesn’t want to be found, I don’t think we’ll find him. He didn’t even go to Burton Place, so there’s nowhere to start.” He leaned forward and squeezed Giselle’s arm. “You need to try to eat more and sleep.” His eyes begged as they stared into hers. She nodded and smiled.
I wish I could. She thought. Her appetite had vanished with Alastair. She was exhausted but every time she shut her eyes, she saw him pacing and falling apart. Guilt and regret consumed her. Giselle hated herself for hesitating when he needed her to accept him. The worst part was, she wanted to! She was just so overwhelmed and all her mind and mouth could form was “I don’t know.” but her heart screamed “Yes!”. She was so full of pain and tired and she was so afraid that she could lose the baby at any moment. Alastair kept talking about love and having a life together and it all seemed so impossibly easy and perfect that she knew that it had to end at any moment. And she was terrified that it would start with the baby.
Now, she didn't care about any of her fears or herself. Giselle knew she needed to take care of herself for the baby but all she wanted was Alastair. The need to see him and touch him, to be touched by him was a burning ache within her, a clawing urge that made her restless and irritable. When she did finally manage to drift off, he was in her dreams. His body would sli
de against hers and his hands would touch her everywhere before she would startle and find herself awake and cold.
He was gone and Giselle was lonelier and more afraid than she had ever been. If he didn’t come back… She shook her head and pushed the thought away. Alastair would come back. If not for her, then the baby.
“It’s been four days. Surely, if you have men searching everywhere, they have to have found something.” Mirabelle argued. Giselle wanted to explain to her that it was futile. Four days was an eternity for a man like Alastair. He was lost to them by the end of the first day. Gilles held his hands up helplessly.
“He could be anywhere, Mirabelle. We know that he has traveled farther than any of us could even fathom so we can’t even assume he’s still in England. I think the only safe assumption is that he won’t go anywhere more than two week’s distance away. I’m afraid that all we can do is wait. He said he’ll return in a month.” He looked disappointed and worried. Guilt tugged at Giselle again. Mirabelle sighed and seemed to wilt next to her.
“How could he do this?” She whispered. “Giselle needs him, Maman is sick with worry and I miss him.” Mirabelle breathed shakily.
“It’s my fault. I was so afraid to make a decision even though I knew what I wanted. I shouldn’t have hesitated, I shouldn’t have made him wait.” Giselle admitted. Mirabelle snorted.
“He did shoot you. I would imagine anyone would be a bit overcome if the moment they woke up after being shot, they were asked to plan a wedding and pick a place to settle down.” She squeezed Giselle’s hand reassuringly. Giselle smiled in return.
“But I already knew and he had been waiting since Winthorpe. I was a fool, Mirabelle.” She groaned as the pain in her shoulder flared. Gilles rubbed her arm soothingly.
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