Shadows Amongst Light (The Spy Who Loves Me)

by Eason, Mary

  Davis merely smiled at that. “You think that your Agency connections will keep you immune? Don’t count on it. You know as well as I do that they’re only waiting for the right moment to use your connection to Judah. You’re not out Cameron. Not by a long shot.”

  “You think they’ll come after me? I’m not part of that world anymore Davis. I can’t be of any use to anyone.”

  “You’ll always be part of it Cameron...”

  Had I really been paying attention I would have caught that certain sadness in Davis. But until it was too late I was only caught up in being with him and loving him in my own empty way.

  We were as happy as any two people who were from different worlds and lifestyles could ever be. I learned everything about his past up until he became whatever it was that Davis was now. I understood that Davis held some sort of leadership role. I knew that he must someday leave me again to return to it. But I wasn’t ready to let him go just yet. I wasn’t ready to be alone.

  I still didn’t understand what my brother’s connection to this whole thing was and Davis never enlightened me. Each time I asked he wouldn’t tell me. As frustrating as that was to accept no matter how much I pushed that was the only answer I got from him.

  When he left me, it was in the same mysterious manner in which he’d come to me that first night.

  I simply woke up one morning and found that he was gone. At first well I thought he couldn’t sleep and had gone for a walk.

  But after I searched the house and then every inch of the land, Davis was nowhere. It was then that I wasn’t sure I’d never see him again. Whatever his reason for coming to me it had been accomplished and it was time for him to leave me and return to whatever place he now called home.

  For days after Davis left me I was sad. I couldn’t understand what he’d been trying to force me to see. I tried for several days to reach out to him but Davis was no longer listening for my calls. Whatever connection we had to each other was broken and gone. Quite possibly forever.

  CHAPTER NINE

  With the approaching isolation of winter in the mountains, I found that my loneliness only grew. I was sad and restless, missing Davis and torn between what I thought I felt for him and what I knew I did for Noah.

  I hadn’t heard a single word from Noah in the months since I left Washington. He never answered my email. In my heart I knew that Noah was alive so why was I still pining away over him? Any other woman would have written him off completely, but I just couldn’t let go.

  I started to prepare for the long winter ahead, which I was told by the locals, was expected to be a record setter this year. I stocked up on food and chopped wood for the fireplace and stove while spending my days responding to questions received through my website.

  My body was changing with the new life inside. Physically I had more energy than ever before with each passing day. I felt alive for the first time. But even as my energy level increased my outlook remained blue.

  My new doctor told me that all of the things I was feeling was normal and to be expected. But still I wondered how many patients he had seen with my past?

  After Noah’s departure from my life, my first instinct told me I should do what was best for my child and give the child up for adoption. But some emotion deep inside of me wouldn’t let me give up my last real part of Noah in my life. I still didn’t understand how he could simply walk away from me the way that he had but I was having his baby. I’d have apart of him with me no matter if I never saw him again.

  And there were lots of single woman who had raised children on their own? I was strong after all. I could protect my child when my past came back for me some day as I knew it would. I hadn’t made a clean break. There were no clean breaks from The Organization.

  Davis had told me that he was there to protect me from danger but Davis was gone.

  After much soul searching I decided come what may I couldn’t give up our baby no matter what. Instinctively I knew the baby would be a boy. I begin planning for my son’s arrival.

  For a little while I was content to simply watch the child growing inside of me and wait for some direction as to what our future would be and where we both fit into this world.

  Winter in the Rockies can seem endless at times. The long days of snowfall, without any outside contact from the world beyond were starting to effect its toll on my spirits. I was depressed and longing for my old life.

  I was desperate to talk to Noah one more time and it was then that I found myself reaching out to him again even though it might prove to be my worse mistake ever.

  Noah’s email account was still open but I wasn’t so sure about his secure phone.

  One night after spending hours crying and alone I called the old number. This time after trying a couple of different pass codes, I finally got through to what I was hoping was his voicemail.

  And I left the worse possible message of all. I told Noah that I missed him and that I still loved him. I told him much he’d hurt me by leaving the way that he had.

  When I hung up the phone I wanted to kick myself for giving in to those feelings. I tried to figure out a way to retrieve the message without any luck. And I was certain that if Noah still had access to the line, he would think me an even bigger fool than I was sure he already did.

  When I didn’t hear back right away, I figured he’d gotten a good laugh at my expense and had erased the message.

  That was until he showed up at my doorstep out of the blue without any warning.

  I opened the door to Bo barking wildly, to find Noah standing there before me very much alive. And then I did something no self-respecting strong woman of the world would ever want to be caught dead doing. I fainted at his feet.

  When I came to again I was laying on the sofa with Noah kneeling in front of me and Bo still barking and snarling at him in the background.

  “You’re alive. Noah, how could you let me believe that you were dead all this time?” I told him pushing him away and sitting up.

  “You’re pregnant?” Those were the first words out of his mouth as I watched him mentally do the math and come up with the wrong answer.

  “It’s not mine...so whose is it?” he asked angrily. Assuring himself that I was okay, he stood and walked back to the door.

  “Noah, how can you say that? Of course it’s yours, where are you going? You’re leaving? Just like that? You’re just going to leave me again? Damn you Noah,” I said marching over to where he stop to shocked I’m sure at my language to react. I hit him as hard as I could in the mouth with my closed fist. For a man well over six foot the fact that he was caught completely by surprise by that action sent him sailing backwards to hit the door hard.

  “You’re just going to walk away because you can’t accept the truth. Now, after I’ve found you again?” I asked when I feared the worse. That he would leave me without another word.

  It took him a second or two to recover from my punch although I knew I hadn’t hurt him. Noah reached for me and brought me closer to him.

  “Answer the question, Cameron. You call me up when you know I’m trying to stay away from you and you tell me you love me. You tell me you miss me and how much I’ve hurt you by leaving you the way I did and I come here and find you’re pregnant with another man’s child. You haven’t exactly been the grieving widow have you Cameron?”

  “Noah, it’s not like that. You’ve got it all wrong. It is your child. I was pregnant before you left me.” I said letting my body relax against his because it was useless to struggle. The more I fought to be free the tighter his hold on me became.

  “I don’t want to hear it, because frankly I don’t believe you. I think it’s pretty clear what you’ve been up to here in these mountains. What’s the matter can’t handle all the long days here? You needed a little diversion?”

  I reached out to slap him, but Noah anticipated that little move and took my hand turning me so that I now was against the door, hands pinned above my head.

 
This was not how I had imagined our reunion being. I wasn’t supposed to be like this. I felt my anger disappear as I remembered Gladys the waitress sad pathetic life and I started to plead with him. “It’s not like that Noah. I told you the truth.”

  “No? Then what’s it like? I’d really like to know what you thought you were doing calling me like that, bringing me out like that when you knew how much I...when you knew I’d come to you? What kind of game are you playing?”

  “It’s not a game.” As I watched I saw the color leave his face. And then it hit him.

  “It’s Davis’s? I knew you’d been with Davis all this time but I never thought? Cameron how could you? What on earth were you thinking? You let him touch you?”

  Had I really been listening instead of falling apart at those words, I would have heard what Noah wasn’t saying. He called Davis by his name. Noah who wasn’t supposed to know anything about Davis the enemy. It was then that I remembered my brother’s warnings to me not to trust Noah. Had Judah been right about Noah all along? Was my husband really working against me all along?

  I spotted the gun I kept in my purse still and figured I had maybe one real chance at reaching it before Noah figured out what I was up to.

  I closed my eyes, feigned another lapse in consciousness and felt him release me instantly, his hands going to my stomach.

  At that second, I pushed Noah away and grabbed my purse that held the gun. I drew the weapon and turned back to him.

  “That’s far enough,” I told him once he’d figured out what I was up to and started for me.

  I saw his eyes go to the gun right before he laughed incredulously.

  “You’re going to shoot me now? You beg me to come back and now you’re going to shoot me?”

  “I said that’s far enough, Noah.” I repeated when he took another step closer.

  “Cameron, dammit, are you out of your mind?” The sharp sound of his laughter hit me but he stopped where he was, watching me closely. “So now you don’t trust me? That’s rich considering what you’ve been up to don‘t you think?”

  “What are you talking about?” I didn’t need to ask. Somehow I knew that Noah knew all about me.

  “You’re sleeping with Davis, you’ve been in contact with the enemy--who just so happens to be your brother, I might add and you never said a word about it to me--your direct superior. You think there’s anything you can say to me that will ever make me forgive you for what you’ve done? And now you have the nerve to pull a weapon on me? You don’t trust me? You know I could have you locked away for the rest of your life for what you’ve done?”

  “How do you know Davis?” I asked when at last what he’d just said registered.

  Noah crossed the room to where I still stood taking the gun from my hands and tossing it across the room before he reached for me.

  “That’s none of your business. Stop changing the subject. You know I could kill you right now and that bastard you’re carrying and no one would even fault me on little bit.”

  “Noah,” I said frightened for the first time by the anger that came from deep inside of him. An anger that I’d never known before.

  “I could kill you now with my bare hands. I don’t need a gun to do that, Cameron. It would be a pleasure to do it with my hands.” He added a little more softly this time.

  “Noah, please...”

  As he looked into my eyes, I saw something change. And then, Noah lifted me up into his arms and carried me to my bedroom.

  There for a little while it was just the two of us again. There was no past no future no stranger between us. There was just the moment. But it was just for the moment.

  For that moment in time when we weren’t angry with each other, Noah touched me in ways that only he could. Parts of my being that I’d locked away for so long. They were awakened with each touch, each kiss. Each movement of our bodies joined as one. No one had ever loved me the way that Noah did. No one ever would.

  Sometime later when we lay exhausted in bed together, Noah’s anger returned.

  “I can’t stay here Cameron. I won’t. I won’t be a part of this. How could you do this?”

  “I didn’t do anything, Noah. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. Nothing happened between Davis and me Noah. He was just a friend to me when I needed one. When you weren’t.”

  His bitter laugh said it all. Noah would never believe me. “Oh yeah? And how did he find out where you were living if you didn’t tell him? You two were together in D.C., weren’t you? You were fucking him then, before...”

  “No! No, Noah. We’ve never been together like that. It was only friendship. And I don’t know how he found me. He just showed up one day.” His expression told me how little Noah believed that story.

  “Oh for God’s sake, Cameron. You really expect me to believe that your lover just showed up unplanned? And why are you here in the first place? Why did you leave Washington?”

  “Didn’t Matt tell you?”

  “Yes, he told me you wanted out of The Organization. Cameron, you know as well as I do that there is no way out. You don’t get out of the Bureau. You’re only fooling yourself if you think they‘ve let you go.”

  “You did. You left The Organization, and me without so much as a single thought. You could care less about what happened to me? Why can’t I do the same?”

  “You little bitch. You really believe that? After all that we meant to each other? You read the damn report. You saw the photos? How can you still believe that?”

  “Oh, I saw the photos all right and the report. Who was he anyway? What poor guy gave his life so that you could get out of yours?” I asked my voice literally shaking with emotion.

  Noah reached for me again and hauled me up into a sitting position pushing the covers back away from us both.

  I saw then for the first time what I had been too caught up in the feel of his body next to mine to notice before. Noah’s body was riddled with scares from bullet wounds. There was one through his stomach and another in his chest close far too close to his heart. I felt myself come close to losing consciousness again as I realized the man in those photos had been Noah.

  My fingers traced the scars and I couldn’t control my tears any longer. “That was you? Dear God, Noah. Are you all right?” Suddenly nothing else mattered but hearing the answer to that question. I needed to know that I wouldn’t lose him again.

  “Yes, but I was lucky. I came close to dying several times. I’ve had countless operations to remove bullet fragments. And I’ll have a limp for the rest of my life.”

  My glance went to his bare thigh and I saw the scar across it. When I met his eyes again, Noah read my unspoken question.

  “One bullet shattered the bone and tore away the muscle. I’ve had a couple of operations but this is the best it gets. I’ll never be whole again.”

  “Oh Noah...” I said no longer aware of the tears that fell from my eyes.

  “So, you see Cameron, I’m not out. You think its over for me? It’s never over Cameron. I’m still part of it. I look over my shoulder ever single day I’m lucky enough to wake up. It’s never over. I told you that before you joined. I tried to warn you. You knew the risks going in.”

  “Yes, I knew...”

  Noah‘s anger returned again as he imagined Davis with me. “I want to know how it happened? How did you get involved with him?”

  “I’m not involved with him Noah! At least not the way that you mean. Davis never touched me. He wanted to, but I couldn’t. You are still my husband even though I have no idea why I should feel guilty because you left me! You let me think that you were dead! And what about you, Noah? What have you been up to? And how do you know Davis? How involved in the Red Jihad are you?” I asked and saw his eyes slide away from mine for the first time. Noah was hiding something and that sent chills through me.

  “I told you. I’m not going to discuss that with you Cameron. I can’t, so just drop it.” He began to get dressed.

  “Why not
? If you’re so squeaky clean why can’t you be honest with me? Seems I’m not the only one keeping secrets here,” I told him and saw his anger flash for a moment and then he smiled. That smile told me he wasn’t fooled by my little tactics one little bit.

  “You think I’m in with the enemy? You pull your weapon on me and yet you let me make love to you like that? What does that say about you?”

  I couldn’t tell him how much those words hurt to here. I didn’t want him to know just how close to falling apart I truly was at that moment.

  “Why didn’t you try to reach me Noah? Surely, you could have gotten word to me somehow? Do you have any idea how it felt believing you were dead? Believing you were lost forever. I thought I would go out of my mind Noah. I never believed it possible to get over this pain. And whether or not you want to accept it or not this is your child.”

  “Oh please. I know he stayed here with you for weeks. I know you saw him in D.C. You expect me to believe in all that time knowing how lonely you were and how attracted Davis was to you that nothing happened between you two?”

  I turned to him then believing that no matter what I said I’d never convince Noah I was telling the truth.

  “How did you find out about Judah, Noah?”

  “Cameron, did you really think I wouldn’t know what you were up to? How do you think the Bureau never found out about your connection to Judah? Of course I knew. You’d better tell me everything you know about this Cameron. And you’d better be honest with me this time.”

  “He found me Noah. It started out with Judah leaving messages on my phone a few weeks before you left. And then I would run into him but always on those occasions Davis would appear later. Never at the same time. Always later but always after I spoke to Judah. Noah, you remember I told he went missing when I was still young...” Noah was the only member of the team that knew about my brother’s disappearance.

  “I remember...you’re parents thought they had found him in North Carolina.” Noah asked angrily.

  “Yes...I don’t know what really happened then but somehow Judah got involved in the Red Jihad. Whether or not he was brainwashed or joined on his own free will I don’t know.”