Shadows Amongst Light (The Spy Who Loves Me)

by Eason, Mary

  I watched Ben quietly play his favorite video game which was interrupted occasionally when he would run back to our table to grab a bit of pizza and a drink. I wondered ideally to myself what the folks of this quiet little town would think if they knew what I’d walked away from just five years ago.

  What would it do to their sense of safety to know the danger that was always close to them? How would they react to the fact that my own past was filled with dangers that could come looking for me at any time?

  *****

  As the weeks of spring faded into summer, Ben’s tee ball season ended and school was out for the summer. And my son stopped asking about his father.

  I tried my best to keep Ben occupied during the day so that that sad little expression that had been there on his face since Noah’s disappearance wouldn’t come back, but there were times when I’d find him sitting in his room all alone crying. When I asked him what was wrong he’d simply refuse to talk.

  It was at this time, when I felt more alone and at a loss how to comfort my son, that I received the call from my brother that sent my running back home to D.C.

  It was late one night. Ben had been sleeping for quite some time when my phone rang.

  The silence on the other end was frightening.

  “Noah,” I said and prayed that I was right. That my husband had finally reached out to me to reassure me he was okay.

  There was a few seconds more of silence when I begin to fear the worse. If this wasn’t Noah, then who was it?

  “Cameron?” I recognized my brother’s voice even though it had been years since I’d had any contact with Judah.

  “Judah,” It was moment more before he answered again speaking in Aramaic. I knew instinctively that either Judah or myself were in danger.

  “Don’t say anything--just listen. You’re in danger Cameron. You need to get out of there.” The words were spoken so softly and I hadn’t even thought about using another language in so long that it took me a while to decipher Judah’s meaning.

  “What? What are you talking about? What danger.”

  “You need to leave there Cameron.”

  “Judah, I can’t just leave. I have a son.”

  “You are alone. You are vulnerable. You must leave. Come to where the parents lived.”

  I had to admit it but it took my longer than it should to figure out that Judah the place where our parents had lived before their death.

  “Judah, I can’t. It’s not safe for me there.”

  “It’s not safe for you or your son where you are Cameron. Please just come. I’ll find you.”

  “I can’t leave just yet. I have to prepare Ben.”

  “Come quickly Cameron. Every moment counts.”

  “Judah.” Before I could ask what he meant, the phone went dead. Judah was gone.

  I spent the rest of the night trying to decide what I was going to do. Judah’s warning frightened me because I knew just how deadly my past could be. I didn’t want anything to happen to Ben. But if we went back to D.C. would I be walking into a trap?

  I didn’t sleep at all that night, but by the time my son woke up the following morning I’d made my decision. I was going back to Washington.

  I still wasn’t sure that I wasn’t putting my son’s life in danger by going but a part of me believed that Judah was trying to protect me.

  During the long hours of the night I tired to figure out what I was going to tell Ben so that he wouldn’t ask a million questions. The last thing I could afford to do at that moment was to call attention to us.

  When that solemn little boy kissed me good morning and sat quietly eating his cereal I announced that we were going on a vacation. Part of me wanted to believe that by getting him away from the place that held nothing but reminders of his father that it might actually help Ben him to deal with his pain and open up to me a little.

  “Honey, I was thinking it would be fun to take a vacation this year. Just the two of us. What do you think?”

  “Really momma?” He exclaimed jumping out of his chair to hug me tight. I was just so happy to see him smile again that it was easy to push aside my fears.

  “Yes, really. I was thinking we could go to Washington D.C. The country’s capital. Well, actually to a small town outside of D.C. called Stemmons. That’s where I used to live. It’s really pretty there. I thought we could rent a house there for a few days. What do you think?”

  I was expecting him to argue, possibly want to go someplace more geared to kids like Disney World or Six Flags, the places that all his friends were talking about going, but I moment I mentioned D.C. Ben’s answer surprised me.

  “That’s where daddy is,” he told me so quietly that at first I thought I’d just imagined his words. As I sat with Ben’s arms still wrapped around me, I wondered why Ben would even connect D.C. to Noah.

  “What are you talking about honey?”

  “Daddy’s in Washington.” He repeated again a little more stubbornly this time.

  “How do you know that?” I asked and control my reaction.

  “Because he told me that was where he was going before he left,” Ben said without untangling himself from my arms before going back to his cereal.

  I was shaking so much that it was hard to get the words out. “Ben, when did daddy tell you that?”

  “When he told me he was leaving,” he said without looking up from his spoon.

  “Before?” It was hard not to show my hurt that Noah had chosen to confide that in our son instead of me.

  “Honey, look at me.” Ben lifted his eyes to mine and I fought against my usual startled reaction to seeing Noah there in my son. “Honey, what else did daddy tell you?”

  “He told me to take care of you.” At that innocent statement coming from this little boy, it was hard not to cry.

  “Baby, what else did he say to you?”

  Ben considered this for only a second before shaking his head. “Momma, daddy cold me not to tell you. He said it was our little secret.”

  As I looked into the determination in Ben’s eyes I remembered all the times in the past I’d seen that same expression on Noah’s face. I knew it would be pointless to try and force an answer from Ben. He would keep his father’s secrets safe, no matter what it was that Noah didn’t want me to know.

  I sat quietly sipping my coffee my thoughts going back to all the things that Noah had told me before he’d left.

  “Momma that’s where you and daddy met isn’t it?”

  My startled expression went back to my sons. You see I’d never talked about my past with Ben and that included where I came from before I moved to Colorado. But clearly he and Noah had talked in length about those times. I wondered again why Noah would tell Ben that he was going to D.C. What possibly reason would he have in revealing that to our son? And what else about our past lives had he shared with Ben.

  “How do you know that, honey?”

  “Because daddy told me. Momma will you show me where you and daddy used to live?” I thought about lying to him. Telling him that there was nothing left of those places for some reason I couldn’t even begin to explain to myself I wanted my son to know where he had come from. Including all the little details that I remembered about my own parents. It hit me then that it had been literally years since I’d talked about them. I’d never told Ben anything at all about them either and I’d certainly never talked about Noah’s family mostly because Noah never talked about his family. All I knew was that he came was from Alaska. That he’d grown up there, had never known his father and that his mother had passed away soon after he joined the Bureau. We were like a couple of orphans when we’d met.

  “Yes, I’ll show you where we lived together,” I told my son quietly.

  “Momma, where’s Washington?”

  “Wait here,” I told him before I went back to my office and found an atlas. I sat down next to Ben and pointed to Colorado and then to D.C.”

  “Where were you borned at in D.C.?” he asked
me and I knew I had his full attention.

  “No, I wasn’t.” I said and saw his puzzlement. “You see my parents worked all over the world when I was a kid. We lived in dozens of other countries. My father worked for the government. I was born in another country.” At times, that life seemed so far removed from who I was now that it almost seemed like it had happened to someone else.

  “Where were you borned at?”

  I flipped the atlas over to the page that contained a world map and pointed to Saudi Arabia.

  “Here. Its called Saudi Arabia. It’s thousands of miles away from here.”

  “Can we go there?”

  “Oh no baby. I’m sorry but we can’t. You see we’d have to have a passport for you and that takes a long time. But we can go to Washington and I can show you where I used to live when I was a kid. When you’re grandparents lived? Would you like that?”

  “Yippee! We’re going to Washington!” He was so happy and I was so thrilled to see him smiling again that I actually pushed aside all of my fears at returning to the place that held nothing but bad memories for me.

  My parents had lived in Stemmons twice in their lifetime. Once when I was a child not a whole lot older than Ben, probably seven or eight and then again before their deaths.

  I knew that I couldn’t risk taking Ben to D.C. There were too many chances of running into my past life there. Even the thought of going back to the small suburbia town where they had lived before their deaths filled me with dread.

  I wasn’t sure what I would find there. I had no idea what awaited me back in Washington. I didn’t know what I was running away from or to for that matter.

  Would Noah be there, living another life with someone else? Would my past be there waiting for me just as I’d left it? Would Judah find me before it was too late?

  “Momma, can I ask Billy to come with us?” I came back to the present in an instant as I looked into my son’s excited eyes.

  “No, honey. Why don’t we just let this be our little trip together? Just the two of us.”

  “Momma, can we go see where daddy’s working? Maybe we can stay with him?” I tried to hide my hurt at those words. While my son sat watching me with that hopeful expression, I was forced to make up a story that I hoped would make him happy.

  “Oh baby, I don’t think daddy’s there anymore.”

  “Yes he is. He said he would be there.”

  As I studied Ben’s sullen expression, I tried to figure out what was going through his mind.

  “Honey, are you sure you didn’t misunderstand? Maybe your daddy was only telling you where he and I used to live?”

  “No momma! Daddy said he was going to Washington. Why can’t we go see him when we’re there?”

  “Well honey, Washington is a big area. Your father won’t be anywhere near where we are going. I’m sorry, baby, but we can’t go where he is.”

  “But momma I want to see daddy! I want to be with him!”

  I tried to gather him close, but Ben wouldn’t have any part of it. He was rejecting me for the first time that I could remember. I felt the pain of that cut through me.

  “I’m sorry baby, but we can’t. Maybe daddy will take you there when he comes back.”

  “No! You lied to me, momma. Daddy’s never coming back, is he?”

  “Ben, don’t say that. Of course he is.”

  “No he’s not! He lied to me too. He told me he would be back in just a few weeks, but he’s never coming back! I hate him and I hate you too.”

  Ben ran away from me, ignoring me when I called after him. He ran to his room and shut the door behind him. And I let him be alone for a little while.

  Ben was hurt but I believe he was beginning to realize the truth. No matter how hard it was for me, I needed to be honest with my son.

  I waited for a little while and then I knocked quietly on his door.

  I found my son curled up on his bed turned away from the door. Bo, his constant companion was lying next to him.

  “Honey, we need to talk,” I told him but he didn’t answer me.

  “Ben, look at me.” Reluctantly my son turned to face me with the evidence of all his heartache right there on his tiny face for me to see. Silently I hated Noah more than ever for what he’d done to his son.

  “Baby I need you to tell me what your father said to you before he left. It’s important Ben.”

  “I told you momma. He told me to take care of you and Bo. He said he was going to Washington on business for a few weeks, but he said he would be thinking of you and me all the time that he was gone. He said that he would be back as soon as he could. He told me I couldn’t tell you the rest and I won’t!” Ben said stubbornly

  I remembered the note that Noah had left me. I hadn’t been strong enough to read it. I knew it was time.

  “Baby, I think you’re right. I don’t think your father is coming back,” I told him slowly and watched the pain in his eyes and the resentment.

  “No, momma. Daddy told me he would come back and he wouldn’t lie to me.”

  “Baby, I don’t think he meant to lie. I just think he was trying to protect you. You’re daddy loves you very much but I think that he needed something that I couldn’t give him. You see, your daddy was used to living a much busier lifestyle. I think he just needed to go back to that.”

  “I hate him, momma! I hate him for lying to me!”

  “No honey, don’t say that. You can’t blame your father or yourself. I think it was me. I was the reason he left. You see we wanted different things from life. Your father tried to be happy with our life here, but he missed his old life too much. But someday I know he’ll come back for you. Because he loves you so much, Ben. You are the most important thing in the world to him.”

  “You mean it, momma?”

  I smiled and gathered him close. The hope in his small face was almost too much to bear.

  “I sure do. No matter what happens between your father and me, honey, just remember he loves you and I know he’ll want to be with you. We’ll find a way to make that happen, okay?” I kissed his forehead and tried to believe my own words. But deep inside I wondered if even Ben would ever see Noah again.

  “Now, you and I have a trip to plan, don’t we? We need to decide when we want to leave?”

  “Can we go tomorrow?” Ben asked and I mentally ran through all the things that would need to be done before we could leave.

  “Baby if that’s what you want then yes, we can leave tomorrow. But we’ve got a lot to do before then, so we’d best get busy.”

  “Can we take Bo with us?”

  “Well, I’d like to see you try and leave him at home.” I smiled and ruffled Ben’s hair that reminded me so much of his fathers before standing.

  “Okay mister, if you want to leave tomorrow we need to do it pretty early because its a long drive. So get busy. Clean up your room and pack your things. I’ll be back to check on you in a little while.”

  I left my son excited and happy for the moment, busily shoving toy and clothes away while I went up to my room and found the note that Noah had left.

  I unfolded it with fingers that shook and laid it on the bed next to me. It took all my strength to pick it up and read those words he’d wrote to me.

  Cameron, please know that I would never do anything to hurt you or Ben, even though I know what you must be thinking after I’m gone. But you’re wrong. I’m not leaving you. How could I leave my heart behind for good? You and Ben are my life. You’re everything to me. I love you, baby. Take care of yourself for me. Take care of our child. Please believe me when I tell you, I’ve loved you and Ben with all my heart. I will come home to you both soon. Love always, Noah.

  I read through that note over and over again. Even though I didn’t really believe the words he’d written there, I clung to those promises with all my heart. I wasn’t ready to let go of Noah. His note gave me the hope I needed to hold onto him for just a little while longer. Until I was strong enough to let go.


  Nothing prepared me for the emotions that would surface the moment I crossed over the state line into familiar territory.

  The memories of the last time I’d crossed that line were still there to remind me of just how lost and alone I’d felt leaving the past behind.

  I’d been pregnant without a clue how I was going to raise a child alone.

  “Momma, how much further?” Ben had asked me that same question at least a dozen times already. He was tired and fussy, and excited but now that I was close, I found I wasn’t in any hurry to go back to the small town that I’d spent less than a year living in.

  “Soon baby. I know you’re tired, but we’ll be there tonight okay?” I glanced in the rear view mirror and saw Ben’s pout begin to form again. “I know, baby. We’ll stop in a little while for lunch. What would you like to eat?”

  “Barbeque.” My son had heard all about the little barbeque joint I’d stopped at on my last trip here and that was all he talked about.

  “Okay.” I laughed at his happiness, but was too caught up in old memories to really consider that this was the first time I’d seen him smile since the day we’d started out on this trip.

  “The place is not too far up here. Why don’t you and Bo help me watch for it? Its called Smitty’s.”

  With Ben occupied for the moment, I let my thoughts go back to the time when I was around ten years old and my father had taken a position in Washington for the year. Dad had insisted that we live outside of the hustle of the city, in the small town that he’d grown up in. I don’t think mom really minded all that much. She always talked about Stemmons fondly.

  As a child I’d adjusted pretty well to all the moves we’d made for dad’s job. By the time we lived here, I was a pro at packing up and leaving. I never was really good at making relationships last. I guess not much had changed in my life. I was still good at running away.

  Maybe that was really what this trip was all about? In spite of Judah’s warnings wasn’t I really just running away from the danger that I knew someday I’d have to face?