Shadows Amongst Light (The Spy Who Loves Me)

by Eason, Mary

  “It’s okay, boy,” I told him when he growled into the predawn morning. “It’s okay.” But I wasn’t nearly as confident as I wanted to sound.

  My hands literally trembled on the steering wheel as we reached the outskirts of Washington. I was on alert even though I didn’t have any reason to be. Old instincts came back to me, that familiar old warning from the past that always assured me when something dark was close, was now warning me very clearly that I had made a mistake in coming here.

  But I couldn’t disappoint my son. Noah had deserted him without so much as a call or a letter since leaving. Ben was feeling abandoned by his father. I had to make it up to him no matter what.

  Just before we reached the street that Noah had once lived on I woke Ben up.

  “Baby, wake up. I want to show you your father’s old house.”

  Ben sat up slowly along with Bo, wiping the sleep from his eyes.

  The two-story house at the end of a cul-de-sac where Noah and I had shared so much of our lives together, hadn’t changed all that much. It was clear that someone lived there and was home as I slowed the car’s speed down so that I could point it out to Ben.

  “That’s it, baby. That’s your father’s old house.”

  “That’s where you and daddy lived, momma?”

  I couldn’t even begin to imagine trying to tell Ben about the strange living arrangements Noah and I shared while hiding our marriage.

  “Yes, but before we were married I had an apartment here in town as well.”

  “Momma, do you think daddy’s here?”

  I didn’t know how to answer that because secretly I believed Noah had come back to Washington to live. But I couldn’t tell his son that his father had moved on without us.

  “No, honey I don’t think so. No, he’s not in there.”

  I drove away from the house before Ben could ask any more questions that I couldn’t answer. “Honey, over there is where your father’s old shop used to be.”

  The computer store was still in business. I had to wonder if Matt still ran the place? But I had no intention of finding out.

  I drove past my old apartment pointing out the one that I’d lived in all those years to Ben before we left Washington behind for what I had to accept would be the last time.

  We stopped in a small town to have lunch. Since leaving D.C. my son hadn’t said a word. Now, Ben was becoming fussy. He didn’t want anything that I suggested for lunch. He was clinging to me like he hadn’t done in quite some time. And I hated Noah all the more for what he was doing to our son.

  By the time we got back to Stemmons, Ben was fast asleep in the backseat.

  I carried my son upstairs to his room and put him to bed. It was still early but it would be good for him to have an early night.

  Bo and I went outside and I tried to read. I didn’t want to think about all the memories that today’s little trip had brought back to me so vividly.

  But they came none the less. All the times that Noah and I had been together at that house. All the little things we’d shared together, that at the time seemed insignificant. Now they had become precious to me.

  I’d been lucky to have the time with him we shared in Colorado. For five years we’d been just another married couple, but I think both of us knew that it wouldn’t last. I just never believed it would end this way.

  Ben woke sullen and quiet ignoring all of my attempt to bring him out of it. We swam for a while before dinner but by eight, Ben was ready for bed.

  I tucked him in and stayed up for a while longer watching TV.

  When I fell asleep that night it was a sound sleep that was broken when I awoke in the early morning hours to total and absolute silence.

  Instinctively, I knew that I was not alone in the room. This time it wasn’t my son.

  I couldn’t move couldn’t breath. My eyes searched the surrounding darkness and spotted a shadow close to the bed.

  I tried to sit up when a hand clasped over my mouth keeping me in place and silencing my scream.

  Someone set down close to me, whispering close to me.

  “Shut up, Cameron. Don’t say a single word.”

  Noah was so close and yet I couldn’t believe that he wasn’t a part of my dreams.

  “I’m going to take my hand away but if you scream I’ll put it back. You understand?”

  I nodded and he took his hand away. The second he moved away from me I hit him hard.

  “Cameron, for Pete’s sake. Stop it,” Noah said reaching up to take my hands and hold the above my head out of danger.

  “What are you doing here, Noah?”

  “What am I doing here? What are you doing here? How dare you bring my son into such danger?”

  “Oh, you’re so concerned about him, aren’t you Noah? He hasn’t seen you in months and you waltz in here accusing me of hurting him?”

  “Shh, be quiet Cameron--he’ll hear you. I don’t want to wake him up. I don’t want him to know that I’m here.”

  “Dammit Noah, he needs you. He’s heartbroken.”

  “Shut up, Cameron,” Noah told me again, but his grip loosened on my wrist and his fingers trailed across my face downward to touch me body.

  I was reminded of all the things that I didn’t want to feel for him all over again. I couldn’t stop my response to Noah’s touch any more than I could stop my next breath.

  “He needs you Noah. You can’t keep doing this to him. Please come back home, Noah. Please come back to us.” When Noah didn’t answer, I finally broke down. “You know what, Noah--do whatever you want! I don’t care if you ever come back.”

  But Noah wasn’t moved by my anger or my tears. Noah lowered his head and kissed my lips whispering angrily against them. “You’ll leave here tomorrow--do you hear me? Take Ben back to Colorado and wait for me like I told you. Get out of here before they find you.”

  “Before who finds me? Davis? My brother?”

  At his intense gaze, it hit me. “The Organization? The Organization’s looking for me?”

  Noah didn’t answer. I didn’t believe he needed to. I now believed I’d become a target for the very company that I’d once worked for.

  “But they know where I live Noah. Adam...”

  I stopped asking questions when Noah’s lips touched my throat. His hands began removing my clothes without so much as a moment’s hesitation. And then we were both in a rush to undress the other.

  I let Noah make love to me over and over that night, and when I awoke the next morning I couldn’t believe that any of it had been true. The only proof was the place where his head had lain close to mine and the weakness in my body that I’d only experience from Noah’s touch.

  I dressed as quickly as possible before going to my son‘s room. Ben still slept peacefully in his bed. As I watched him, I remembered what Noah had told me.

  “Baby, wake up?” I shook my son awake with difficulty. When he was fully conscious, he asked me if his father had been there.

  “No, baby. Why would you think that?”

  “Because I dreamed he was standing close to my bed last night, momma. Daddy told me that everything was going to be all right and that he would be coming home soon.”

  “Honey, I’m sorry, that was just a dream. But you need to get up now because we have to go home today.”

  “But I thought we were going to stay for a few more days, momma?”

  “We were, but I have to get back to the house. I need to take care of something with my work, baby. I’m sorry. We’ll take another trip later this summer. Someplace fun.”

  “But I don’t want to leave yet momma,”

  “Baby, I’m sorry but we have to. Now get up and start packing while I make you some breakfast.

  “Ah mom,” Ben said but did as I asked reluctantly.

  I threw my own things into the suitcase and took it downstairs before making breakfast. By another hour the house was cleaned and locked and we were on our way out of town.

  Ben didn’t t
alk to me while we were packing or over breakfast. I knew he was angry with me. I believe he thought if we stayed there for a while longer his father would come back again.

  “Momma, how’s daddy going to find us again? Shouldn’t we have left him a note?”

  I glance back in the rear view mirror and saw his concern.

  “Baby, your father knows where home is. He’ll come back when he’s ready.”

  It was so hard to keep up the pretense to my son, but I couldn’t tell Ben my fears. I didn’t believe Noah would ever return to Colorado again.

  It didn’t matter that I was furious with Noah, with myself for giving into him so eagerly, I didn’t question what he’d told me. I decided to drive straight through no matter how long it took, stopping only for food and gas. All along the way I was constantly watching the rear view mirror afraid of who might be following us.

  Before I’d left Stemmons I thought about trying to get word to Judah but I had no idea how to reach him. I could only hope that he was okay.

  I couldn’t trust anyone to help me find out. The few people that I’d trusted in the past were no longer on my side. The part of my past that I didn’t believe would hurt me was the one that had cost me the most.

  I remembered Judah’s words that night long ago in Washington when he’d told me that there was a traitor to watch out for. At the time I’d thought he meant in the Red Jihad. Now I wasn’t so sure.

  Ben seemed to pick up on my uneasiness. He watched me quietly on occasion glancing around to see what I was looking for.

  By the time night fell, we were half way across New Mexico. We stopped just before the Colorado State Line to get something to eat and to gas up the car.

  “Momma when are we stopping. I’m tired.”

  Ben had gotten fussier the further away from Washington we got.

  “Ben, were almost home. We’ll stop when we get to the house. Why don’t you stretch out on the back seat and get some sleep.”

  “Momma, are you okay?” Ben asked me when we were back on the road again.

  “I’m fine baby, why?” I asked as he lay down with the blanket I’d found tucked around him.

  “Because you keep looking back.”

  I didn’t answer. I simply kissed him and smiled. Ben had no idea who close to the truth he had come with those innocent words. I was looking back. Always over my shoulder expecting danger wherever I looked. I felt that I could no longer trust anyone. Including Noah. He’d warned me of a danger, but Noah was just as much a part of The Organization as before. How did I know that I could trust him not to betray me? The answer was simple. I didn’t. I couldn’t trust anyone.

  By the time we reached the house it was early morning. I was exhausted and had come close to falling asleep at the wheel several times. I’d finally stopped at a convenience store and bought a large cup of coffee to make it the rest of the way home.

  I unlocked the house and carried Ben up to his room not bothering with unpacking the car. As I turned on enough lights to see my way up the stairs, something about the house didn’t feel right.

  Outwardly nothing appeared to be out of place. Everything was just as I’d left it a week again, but something wasn’t right. I walked through each room but couldn’t find what it was that was bothering me until I reached my office.

  In my office, I always kept a picture of Noah and Ben and myself. It was taken a few months before Noah left. I’d put all of the other pictures of him away in a box upstairs, but this one had been so unplanned taken after a beautiful day spent together that I couldn’t let it go. Now that picture was missing.

  I searched my desk drawers and around the computer but it was nowhere to be found. Nothing else was missing but the picture of us as a family.

  I sat for a long time trying to understand why someone would want to take that picture, of all things. When my computer and the TV not to mention the stereo system were worth a small fortune.

  The only explanation that came to mind was frightening. Had someone been deliberately looking for proof of Ben’s existence? Of Noah and my connection? If so why? The team from The Organization knew that Noah and I were ‘seeing’ each other. What would it matter to any of them if we were together now. Unless someone was looking for proof of Noah’s survival after that accident. Perhaps some way to get to him.

  As far as I knew, no one knew of Ben’s existence except for Adam. Had Adam intentionally tipped someone off? Or perhaps accidentally?

  For the first time since I’d come to Colorado I was really frightened of remaining. I searched through the few things I had left of my previous life and found the only gun I’d kept. The one that, until I’d walked away from The Organization had been my constant companion.

  I’d hated holding onto it, but there had been something in the back of my mind that had forced me to keep it. Who ever had been in the house had been a professional. I hated knowing that truth but I forced myself to face it. It was clear in the way that there was no evidence of his presence there. Nothing was disturbed. Whoever was here had known exactly what he was looking for and had no doubt figured I wouldn’t miss the picture.

  I tried to put all the pieces together, but after being out of the game for so long I found that I was also out of practice. I didn’t trust any of my own conclusions and wished more than ever that Noah were here with me to reassure me that everything was going to be okay.

  I didn’t sleep that night. I took the gun with me and checked on Ben before gong back to my spot in front of the computer where I’d placed the gun close to my hand.

  Then I decided to do a little spy work on my own. I found Noah’s laptop from the drawer that he kept it locked away in after managing to pick the lock.

  Noah never knew how good I’d gotten at that little task. This was one of the secrets I’d kept to myself. I opened the laptop and tried everything I could think of that Noah might use for a password. I found it quiet unexpectedly and quite easily in the date that Noah and I had first met.

  This was not Noah’s normal work computer. He never allowed me to touch this one. I knew that he still kept Agency information here, even though I’d believed at the time that he was out of the game.

  Once I cracked the password code I found out just how wrong I’d been about that.

  There were encrypted emails between Noah and Adam as recently as a few days before he’d left with him. Noah knew what was coming. He knew he would be called back into service by Adam and yet he’d never once told me about it.

  Now I remembered all those times before he’d left that should have been my clue. How many times had I caught Noah watching me with regret in his eyes?

  As I scanned through the emails I realized what the danger was. Adam believed that there was a mole amongst The Organization elite members. He’d checked out the new members carefully. Adam believed it had to be one of the original members.

  There were a couple of notes that hinted at my connection in the problem. Noah dismissed my involvement completely but I could tell that Adam wasn’t convinced completely.

  Before Noah left there were numerous emails from between Adam, Noah and someone that went by the email name of The Contact. I had no idea who that might be. But as I dug further through the files I found my answer. There were pages and pages of emails from Davis there. I knew instinctively that Davis was The Contact.

  As I read through the emails between Noah and Davis it was clear that the two of them knew each other personally. I remembered Judah’s warning from the past about trusting Noah. Now I had to wonder if Noah were not the mole. Was it possible that Noah cold betray the organization that he’d helped to found? Even though the emails should have been proof positive I couldn’t believe that Noah was a traitor. I knew the guy too well, didn’t I? I would have known somehow surely? Noah would have given something away.

  But I was also remembering just how good Noah was at keeping his secrets. How many times had I wondered what his true feelings were for me? What else was Noah keeping
hidden from me? I believed that through all the years we’d spent together here Noah had shared everything with me. Now I knew that there was so much about my husband that I didn’t really know at all. But still I couldn’t bring myself to believe that Noah was a traitor. I’d seen him in action far too many times to believe Noah would ever betray his country or his life’s work. Which left me without a clue who was looking for me, and why they might have taken the picture.

  But I knew that I needed to find out what The Organization had found out about the mole and soon. I did something then that Noah had taught me a long time ago. I hacked into Matt’s computer.

  There were literally pages and pages of file information about my brother there. And the things that I learned were as shocking as they were hard to accept.

  In the few times that I’d actually talked to Judah I didn’t believe he was involved in the Red Jihad other than just as a possible patsy set up to take the fall for Davis, but I was wrong.

  From the Intel gathered by Matt and his informants, I saw a different picture of my brother emerge. Judah wasn’t just an innocent bystander. There was very clear information that he was in fact the leader of that terrorist cell. My brother had lied to me? Had he called me back to Washington to use me against Noah? Or to harm me?

  I sat quietly reading through the files and crying at the horror of what I read there. I knew that it was only a matter of time before my connection to Judah. I wasn’t really surprised that Noah had been true to his word. He hadn’t told anyone about my family connection.

  I glanced at my watch and saw that I’d been inside Matt’s files for far too long. I’d have to get off before Matt discovered that he had a hacker and begin searching for my location.

  For the moment I was too shocked by what I’d learned about my brother to consider the danger I might be in by the very connection I held to Judah.

  “It’s not true,” I said over and over again throughout that long night as I read through the files that gave very graphic details of the carnage my brother was responsible for.

  Car bombings that had been linked to other groups, explosions and terrorist attacks that had been responsible for literally thousands of lives.