by Nicola Haken
“I understand. I know what everyone thinks about me, and what everyone thinks of my mum. I don’t blame you for not wanting to be associated with me.”
“That’s bullshit!” I yelled, startling her. “Sorry, I just… lish, I don’t give a rat’s ass what anyone else thinks. You’re not responsible for you parent’s fuck ups, I know that better than anybody.”
Shit… I didn’t mean to let that slip. Damn, I knew she’d do that to me. Thankfully after a few painfully long seconds of silence I was sure it had gone over her head.
“Then, why?”
“Because I’m a dick, Maddie. Whatever shit you’ve got going on I can guarantee I’ll only make it worse.”
“So, this is about my mum?”
“That’s not what I-”
Before I could continue I felt her on my lips. My brain told me to push her away but my body refused to listen. So I kissed her back. I balled my fists into her silky soft, strawberry-scented brown hair and her lips parted at my tongues request. Damn, she tasted sweet – like cherries. I explored her mouth with my tongue, licking and stroking and allowing her to return the favour.
She let out a soft moan which instantly made my pants feel too tight and then her arms wrapped around me, her hands clutching at my shirt. I never wanted this moment to end. Nothing had ever felt so right my whole life. No one had ever felt so warm, so soft… smelt and tasted so delicious.
She teased the hem of my t-shirt up with her fingers and for the first time ever, being utterly consumed by her closeness, her smell, her taste… I forgot to bat the hand away that caressed the bare skin of my back. Then she pulled away abruptly, concern flooding her beautiful face.
She’d felt my scars.
Fuck.
“I have to go,” I said quickly and turned away from her.
“Blaine, wait…”
“That was a mistake, Maddie. I’m sorry,” I uttered without looking back.
As I ran away from her I pulled my cell from my pocket and text Matt.
Dude, Maddie needs a ride home. She’s out front.
That’s the new chick right?
Right.
Then, being the selfish bastard I am, I did what I always did when things got tough; I winked at the nearest brunette, took her to the back seat of my car and fucked her brains out – probably shattering the few cells she had left.
Then I felt like shit about it.
Chapter Five
Maddie
“Maddie, right?” a boy I recognised from my economics class asked as he strolled towards me. I nodded weakly, ruffling my hair around my face in an effort to conceal my tearstained cheeks.
“I’m Matt, your driver for this evening, ma’am,” he teased, offering his bent arm for me to take. I eyed him up warily. Why would I ride home with some guy I don’t even know? Because you don’t have another choice…
“Don’t worry I’m not a murderer, I swear,” he said with a wink, running his free hand through his shaggy blonde hair. “Blaine sent me.”
Blaine? What so he gives a crap again now?
I nodded at Matt, accepting his offer to drive me home and followed him to his car. I was grateful he didn’t push me for idle chitchat on the way home. I suspected it was because he could tell I’d been crying and probably felt uncomfortable. I got him to drop me a few houses away form my door, seeing as I never knew what kind of show my mum would put on lately.
Thankfully, she was fast asleep in bed.
I took a quick shower and changed into some purple pyjama bottoms and a pink cami before climbing into bed and curling myself up in my quilt. Despite my shower I could still smell Blaine on my skin – he smelt of jojoba and some kind of expensive, masculine cologne. I ran my tongue over my lips, remembering the taste of him – beer mixed with mint and tobacco and something raw and manly that I couldn’t place. But then he left me.
Again.
I woke up feeling like I’d had no sleep at all after spending most of the night tossing and turning and trying to think of anything that wasn’t Blaine. That didn’t go too well. I wondered if it was my kiss that annoyed him. But when I replayed it in my mind, relived the way he twisted his hands in my hair, the way he pulled me tightly into his body, the way he groaned and invaded my mouth with his tongue… No. There was no way he didn’t want that as much as I did.
He said he would make all my problems worse. What the hell did that mean? Maybe he thought people would shun me because of his reputation. Newsflash: everyone hates me anyway! Besides, surely that was for me to decide.
That kiss, that deliciously perfect, wonderful kiss, played over and over in my head whilst getting ready for school and all the way through breakfast. I thought back to how I snuck my hand under his shirt – expecting him to bat it away like he did the redhead. He didn’t. He didn’t flinch as I smoothed my palms over his toned, warm flesh, tracing the curves of his muscles with the pads of my fingers.
And then I felt them.
What felt like hundreds of tiny raised scars splayed across the entire width of his broad back. That was the moment he pulled away. That was when he ran. Realisation slapped me across the face.
Dear god that was why he ran!
Did he think I would judge him? Me of all people! My home-life has been front-page news since my first day here which hardly puts me in a position to deride anyone – not that I would anyway. Maybe he thought I would use what I discovered to turn the unwanted attention away from me. Did he think I would tell people? Give them something else to gossip about besides me and my screwed-up mother? I struggled to believe, it hurt too much to believe, he could actually think that little of me.
I’d developed an utterly nonsensical, completely unreciprocated infatuation with Blaine Elwood, and when it hit me that I didn’t know him at all, I started to cry pathetically into my Cheerios. What a stupid cow I was…
“I’m sorry, Maddie.” My mum’s voice startled me and I quickly wiped my tears away on the sleeve of my grey jumper and busied myself with the task of clearing my breakfast dishes, hoping she didn’t notice.
“What for?” I asked without looking at her, rinsing my bowl through in the kitchen.
“You know what for. I’ve not been myself lately. I’ve put too much on your shoulders.” Reluctantly I turned to face her – she needed me.
“I just don’t know what to do anymore, Mum. I’m just not sure we can do this alone anymore. I think you need to see somebody – somebody who knows what they’re talking about,” I admitted honestly. Her body stiffened and she backed away a few steps.
“No way, Maddie. You know damn well what’ll happen if anyone finds out what kind of shit I’ve put you through.”
I shook my head fiercely at her.
“I’m eighteen in two months, Mum. Nobody is going to take me away from you. And I think you know that. I think you’re just scared,” I accused. “But you don’t need to be, Mum. I’m here. I always have been and I always will be. I just want you to get better.”
“I will, I promise. Please, Maddie, give me another chance. This move has been such a big step - there’s been so much to get my head around. I’ve just not dealt with it very well. But I will! I promise I will! You’ll see, Maddie. I’ll make you proud of me I swear.”
She grabbed hold of my hands, squeezing them, pleading with me.
“I’m going to look for a job today. A real one, an honest one. I can do this, Maddie. We both can.”
I knew full well my mum was too mentally unstable to get a ‘proper’ job, and if by some fluke she did – she’d never keep hold of it. But right now, my head was mashed, and so selfishly I didn’t have the heart or the strength to argue with her.
“Okay. Well, I’ve got to get to school. Remember my number is by the phone – ring if you need me,” I said, knowing damn well that she wouldn’t.
In that moment I was saved by Lori’s horn sounding outside. I leaned over and gave my mum a quick peck on the cheek, wondering what mess she cou
ld get herself into today, then practically flew out of the door.
“You’ve been crying?” Lori immediately greeted me with as I slid into passenger seat of her Mini.
“Good morning to you, too.” I tried to force a smile but the muscles framing my mouth refused to work.
“What’s happened? Is it your mom?” she asked, wide-eyed and concerned. I shook my head.
“No. My mum is fine… for now. It’s-” I stopped myself from saying what was really troubling me. Not only was I embarrassed but I wondered if this was exactly what Blaine had been fretting about – the fact that I’d open my mouth to the first person I ran into.
“It’s?” she pressed.
Oh, balls to it. I needed to tell someone and even though I’d only known her for a couple of weeks, right now there was no one I trusted more in the world than Lori.
“I kissed Blaine last night,” I confessed shamefaced, the words lighting a fire in my cheeks.
“You what! Oh my god was that you in the back of his car?”
My stomach churned and I felt serious worries for the safety of Lori’s upholstery. I swear I could feel every single cheerio working their way back up my throat in turn.
“He had someone in his car?” I asked, even though I was almost certain I didn’t want to know the answer.
“Oh. That wasn’t you. Shit.” Lori bit at her bottom lip until it turned white under the pressure.
“No worries,” I shrugged, aiming for nonchalance but knowing I was failing desperately, “I guess that proves why he ran off.”
“Jeez, Maddie, I, um, I don’t know what to say. Sorry?” I shrugged again and closed my eyes, trapping the tears inside.
“You know what… screw him,” she said, steadfast and determined. I raised an eyebrow at the double meaning which couldn’t have been more inappropriate to the situation. And then we both burst into violent fits of laughter.
“You know what I mean! Christ, you have a dirty mind. In fact, I would’ve thought you’d be exactly his type.”
“I love you, Lori.” And that was the moment I realised, I really did. Her eyes shot wide open, like she was surprised. She really didn’t have a clue how great she was.
“Love you too, girl. Hell, who needs boys when we’ve got each other?”
“Jesus, you’re not coming on to me are you?” I teased.
“Only if you want me to.” She winked and again we both laughed. By the time we pulled up at school my ribs ached. Lori was just the medicine I needed this morning.
I didn’t whether to hug him or punch him when I saw Blaine blocking my locker. He was ripping what looked like a post-it note from it. My first instinct was to walk in the other direction but I fought against it. Curiosity took over and I stormed up to him wanting to know what the hell he was doing.
“What’s that?” I barked, reaching for the small yellow note in his hand. He batted my hand away and screwed the paper into his fist.
“It’s nothing,” he retorted and then turned to walk away.
“Give it to me!” I snapped, pulling him back by the sleeve of his football jacket. “If it was on my locker, that means it’s mine!” He tried to shrug away but I clutched his jacket tighter. For a minute I thought he was going to slip his arm out and leave me holding it in mid air. “Blaine! Give me the fucking paper!”
“Fine.” He shoved the paper into my hand and stalked off without looking back.
I straightened it out with my fingers and started to wish I’d listened to my instincts and walked the other way.
Just been diagnosed with herpes. Tell your mom I want a refund!
I ripped the note into four and tossed it in the bin at the end of my row of lockers. It was then I noticed a whole handful of other similar little yellow notes, all scrunched into untidy little balls. My hand reached inside of its own accord and plucked them out one by one.
Are you and your mom a Buy One Get One Free deal?
Do I get a discount if I make you come too?
I’d read enough. I threw them back where I found them and swallowed back the bile burning the back of my throat. Did Blaine get rid of these so I wouldn’t see them? I idly wondered how many more, if any, he’d gotten rid of, and then I wondered why?
He liked me then he hated me. He made me feel fantastic, then he made me feel like shit. He liked me again then he hated me again. He made me feel fantastic, then…
I swear his mood swings were getting almost as difficult to handle as my mum’s. What the hell did he want from me? Any why was I more determined than I’d ever been about anything in my life to want to give it to him?
The day passed relatively quickly. No more notes appeared on my locker, Sky was absent so the rest of Lori’s friends actually chanced talking to me and the best part was – I didn’t see Blaine for the rest of the day. Alright, so that was a big fat unadulterated lie. Blaine’s absence was absolutely the worst part of the day. I spent every minute of every hour wondering where he was and peering over my shoulder hoping to catch a glimpse of him.
Christ, I was pathetic.
Lori was staying late for dance practice so she gave me the keys to her Mini and told me to wait in her car for her to finish. As I reached out to unlock the doors I dropped the keys when someone bumped my shoulder, startling the living shit out of me.
“Hey, Dora,” Blaine’s friend Jason beamed with a mischievous wink. I didn’t correct my name like I usually would; I’d given up on him taking a blind bit of notice about three days ago.
“Hey?” I said it like a question, unsure what he wanted. I’d only ever spoken to him when surrounded by other people – people he knew. He didn’t know me.
“Have you seen Blaine?”
Why the fuck would I have?
“No. I’m not his damn receptionist, Jason,” I snapped caustically. “Sorry. Tough day,” I tacked on when I realised I couldn’t hold him responsible for the fact Blaine hated my guts.
“Hmm.” He squeezed his stubbly chin between his thumb and forefinger like a master villain. “He fucked off hours ago and he’s not answering my texts. We’ve got practice in an hour. He never misses practice.”
And I care because?
Who are you trying to kid? You know full well you care.
“He really likes you, you know?” An involuntary laugh/snort/choking sound erupted from my throat. “I know he’s being a complete jackass about it, but I’m telling you it’s because you’re fucking with his head, Dora.”
“What? I haven’t done anything!” I snapped, offended.
“Hell no, I didn’t mean you’d done anything. You’re just in his head and he doesn’t like it. He’s not used to all this feelings shit.” My mouth dropped open and I was stunned into silence.
Blaine has… feelings for me?
I shook my head at Jason. He’d clearly misinterpreted something somewhere along the line.
“Don’t give up on him, Dora. He’s a good guy. He’d never admit it but he needs someone to get inside that stupid fucking head of his. He needs you.” If I didn’t know better I’d have sworn there was a giant pot of glue wafting under my nose. Jason’s words made me dizzy and nauseous and I was pretty sure my heart had leapt from my chest about five minutes ago. “And don’t you dare tell him we had this conversation.”
“What conversation?” I was more than willing to play his game. I think Jason may have just become my new best friend.
“Good girl,” he teased and flashed me another one of his playful winks. “Catch you later, Dora.”
I waited in Lori’s car for just over an hour. I think I may have even briefly fallen asleep. She met me with her familiar sweet smile when she slid into the driver’s seat. Aside from a slight pink glow she looked as pretty as ever to say she’d just been dancing for an hour.
“Miss Knowles asked when you were planning to show,” she said with a wicked grin.
Shit. I’d faked an ankle injury to get out of the two classes I was supposed to attend this week but
after running into her in the halls without a limp in sight I think she got a good whiff of my bullshit.
“I said you’d be there Wednesday. Don’t worry, girl, I’ll hold your hand.”
“Gee, thanks,” I replied, summoning as much sarcasm as I could possibly find.
“I don’t know if I should really tell you this but I’m going to anyway,” Lori said ominously. I shifted in my seat so I was facing her, intrigued ears at the ready. “I just ran into Scott Gilbert, you know the linebacker?”
“No. But, go on…” I knew Blaine was some kind of ‘back’ or ‘backer’ so I assumed they were the same thing.
“Well, his nose is busted up real good. There’s all dried blood sticking out and he’s got three steri-strips holding it together. I swear it’s like totally gross.”
“Lori, how is this anything to do with me?” I urged, growing impatient.
“Right, yeah, well… I asked him what happened and he said I should go ask Blaine and then walked off. So-”
“Wait, Blaine hit him?”
“Hold on I was just getting to the good part…” Is there a good part to someone getting the crap beaten out of them? “So anyway, Blaine’s been MIA all day apparently and Jason wouldn’t give anything up so I asked around and that’s when Mia Waldeck told me Blaine had caught him sticking something on your locker and started kicking the living shit out of him!”
I threw my head in my hands, exasperated and confused as hell.
“So?” Lori pressed, elongating the word. “What gives, Maddie?”
“You know what, Lori? I have absolutely no idea. But I’m going to find out.”
My mum mentioned that Treacle, Mitch and Blaine’s sister Kara were holidaying in Hawaii for a couple of weeks so knowing Blaine was home alone I decided to go and have it out with him. I asked Lori to give me a lift to his house and I called my mum on the way to make sure she sounded… sane. She seemed calm – not too happy and not too sad – so I figured she’d be okay on her own for a couple of hours longer.