by Nicola Haken
I had retaliated only once before when I had just turned fourteen. That day would haunt me for the rest of my life…
I lay in bed until the darkness closed in. I wanted to cry but I wouldn’t allow myself. I was so scared. I was terrified because I was alone. I felt like I needed somebody. I craved to be held. I wanted somebody to tell me everything was okay. I needed to know somebody cared about me. I had never needed anyone before in my life and it scared and confused the shit out of me.
Maddie. I needed Maddie.
Maddie
A light tapping at the front door woke me. I glanced at the small travel alarm by my bed and saw that it was almost midnight. I immediately shot out of bed and went straight to my mum’s room to check if she was there.
She was. Sound asleep and snoring like a big hairy bloke.
Fear pounded in my chest as I followed the sound to the front door. Apart from rapists and burglars who else hangs around outside at this time of night? Oh yeah, murderers. I instinctively scanned the room for something blunt and heavy and then I almost shit in my favourite pair of silk knickers when a shadow formed behind the small glass window in the front door.
“Maddie?” Blaine’s voice was a hoarse whisper seeping through the crack at the foot of the door. I sprinted the two steps it took to get from one side of the living room to the other and opened it instantly.
“Jesus, Blaine, what’s happened?” I urged the second my eyes met his. Even in the moonlight I could see they were swollen and red with unshed tears. His expression was pained, his body hunched. He looked… broken.
Without saying a word he collapsed into my chest and buried his head in my shoulder. My arms automatically folded around him and I cradled his head in my hands. He was shaking. It broke my heart and scared the hell out of me at the same time.
I walked backwards into the living room and kicked the door closed with my foot. Blaine’s steps matched mine but he never let go of me. I prized him off gently just long enough to take him to my bedroom and when I sat on the bed he fell into me again.
“Blaine?” I said carefully. “You’re scaring me. Please, tell me what’s wrong?”
He sat up on the edge of my bed and swallowed forcefully before exhaling a controlled breath through pursed lips. Then I watched, perplexed and slightly intrigued as he started un-popping the buttons on his shirt. He winced as he rolled it from his shoulders, exposing the most gloriously defined set of pasty white abs I have ever seen in my life and sharp contrasting tan lines around the top of his popping biceps. Then he tossed it on the floor.
“I need to show you something, Maddie. I can’t hide from you anymore,” he said desolately, squeezing his eyes shut as if he couldn’t bear to see my reaction. I nodded slowly, even though I knew he couldn’t see me.
Then he slowly shifted to face the door, and my heart sank into the pit of my stomach.
His back was covered in meticulously carved scars. There were rows upon rows of tallied welts – sets of four neat vertical lines with a fifth slashed diagonally through them, like little raised fences. Unwittingly the tip of my index finger began tracing the contours of the scars at the base of his spine but his body stiffened and I pulled away. Some were white and barely noticeable. Others were red, angry and raised.
Then I gasped when I saw four fresh, gaping lines carved methodically into his left shoulder blade. The dried, coagulated blood surrounding them made it look like they were merging into one big wound.
“Did your father do this to you?” I pressed vigilantly. It seemed like the most logical explanation. I knew he felt hostility towards his dad and if it wasn’t him, then why the hell didn’t his father stop it?
Blaine nodded once and then turned back to face me slowly. His eyes seemed guarded, afraid as he assessed my expression.
“Do you want me to leave?” he asked, his haunted eyes were bulging with what looked like guilt, or maybe even shame.
“God no! Blaine, how the hell can you even ask me that?” I leaned forward and cupped his face in my hands, tracing the firm flesh which hugged his cheekbones with my thumbs. “Does anyone else know about this?”
He shook his head firmly.
“And they’re not going to.”
I parted my lips to speak, to tell him he needed to tell someone – someone who could help him. But he placed a quivering finger over my lips, silencing me. Then he brought my hands down from his face and clutched them tightly to his chest. I could feel his erratic heartbeat thumping anxiously against the walls of his chest. His chest rose and fell heavily as his breathing became ragged.
“Make love to me, Maddie,” he whispered, leaning across to trail feathery soft kisses along my neck and pushing me backwards with the weight of his body.
I tipped my head back and sighed wistfully as he slid the strap of my cami top down my shoulder and started brushing his lips across the sensitive skin. I dragged my fingers through his hair, gripping the tousled brown strands and guiding his head towards my breasts. He pinched the hem of my top and instinctively my arms rose above my head, allowing him to slide it off my body.
Then he cupped my breasts with both hands, kneading them, licking them and then taking a nipple in his moist, warm mouth he sucked gently until I felt it harden beneath his tongue. A hungry groan erupted from his throat and his kisses grew more fervent, more intense. My hips arched unconsciously as he grabbed the waistband of my pyjama pants and tugged them slowly down my legs before tossing them to the floor.
I reached out to touch his bare chest, skimming the contours of his rigid muscles with the pads of my fingers. A soft sheen of sweat misted his skin and I massaged it into the ruthless hardness of his chest. I gasped loudly at the unexpected, unfamiliar sensation of fingers slipping inside me and my body involuntarily stiffened.
“What’s wrong? Did I hurt you?” Blaine asked, his voice dripping with concern.
“No,” I replied honestly, shaking my head. “It’s just… well, I haven’t actually done… this… before.” My cheeks couldn’t have blazed any hotter as I flopped my head to the side, too embarrassed to look at him.
He slid his open palm under my cheek and slowly turned me to face him. When I looked at him he pressed his forehead against mine and tucked a lock of hair behind my ear.
“I’ll be gentle, lish. I’ll take care of you I promise.” I nodded weakly, a heady mix of fear, apprehension and excitement coursing through my veins. Blaine’s lips brushed mine and his desirous tongue teased for entry into my mouth. I let him in, circling his tongue with mine and savouring the familiar taste of mint and tobacco.
“I want to make love with you, Maddie,” he breathed as he nibbled on my earlobe. “Let me make love to you.”
My breathing had become too ragged to form words so I nodded eagerly. The slight twinge of nerves bubbling deep inside my belly wasn’t nearly as potent as the throbbing ache between my legs, the desire I felt to be close to him – closer than I’d ever been to anyone.
Blaine’s fingers wandered down my body until they settled in the moist groove between my thighs. He stroked me gently before picking up momentum and working his fingers into fast, relentless circles.
“Do you like that, lish?” he breathed. If sex could be defined as a sound, it would be Blaine’s voice in that very moment.
“Yes,” I whimpered so loudly I should’ve been embarrassed but I was too consumed by the intoxicating pleasure radiating throughout my body.
His fingers continued their unyielding assault as he hovered his body above me and thrust his tongue deep into my mouth before exorcising an animalistic growl and whispering in my ear.
“You are so fucking beautiful.” The words danced into my ears like sweet music and his warm, rasping breath caressed the skin of my neck.
Desire and need pooled in my belly and my hips bucked to meet the insistent strumming of his skilled fingers as they worked harder and faster to bring me to my peak. The pleasure grew so intense it was almost unbearable and t
hen he plunged his greedy tongue into my mouth as I cried his name, my body shuddering violently as my entire body melted underneath him.
Smiling proudly at me, Blaine managed to work his jeans over his hips and slide them down his legs without his face ever leaving mine. My curious fingers reached down to trace the length of him and I’d be lying if I didn’t panic for a moment as I wondered how the hell he was going to fit that inside me. He moaned hungrily, filling me with pride and confidence that he enjoyed my touch so much.
Then he kneeled up, falling back on his heels before tearing open a condom that seemed to appear out of nowhere. I watched inquisitively as he squeezed the tip and rolled it down over his impressive erection, his blazing blue eyes never leaving my body.
“I’m going to go inside you now,” he murmured carefully, gazing into my eyes as if asking for permission. Again I nodded, too breathless to speak.
He gently prized my legs apart with his knees before nestling himself between them. I felt the impossible hardness of his erection graze my thigh and then he reached down and positioned himself, sighing as he prepared to enter me.
“I’m going to do this very slowly. It might hurt a little, but if it gets too much tell me and I’ll stop.” My heart was racing, thrashing against my ribs. He slipped the tip of his erection slowly into me and then stilled as he brushed the wall of my virginity. “Are you ready, Maddie?” he asked tenderly, making doubly sure. Of course I’d heard all the gory stories of how messy and painful the first time is. Suddenly, I was shitting myself.
Biting my bottom lip, I nodded.
Then, unexpectedly he thrust quickly, forcefully into me and I gasped, wincing as a burning sensation ripped through me. Blaine stopped moving, allowing my body to become accustomed to him and I let out a heavy breath I didn’t know I’d been holding.
“That’s the worst of it, lish. I promise to be gentle from now on. Are you okay?”
“I’m more than okay,” I breathed, lying only slightly.
Slowly, cautiously, Blaine started to move again. He rocked his hips back and forth deliberately, carefully sliding in and out of me. It stung, but not enough to make me want him to stop. The sensation was… exquisitely painful.
Gradually he picked up his pace, his thrusts growing faster, more powerful. He grabbed hold of my thighs and hitched me closer to him, raising my hips and gliding impossibly deeper into me.
“Jesus, Maddie, you feel amazing,” he whispered through gritted teeth. I had never felt so alive, so… wanted.
With each thrust the burning subsided a little further, replaced by that delicious ache building once again. As he slammed into me over and over again a whole host of hoarse and desperate, pleading noises burst through his throat and I felt an overwhelming sense of pride that I was making him feel so good.
“Oh god, Blaine… please…” I begged him, although I wasn’t sure what I was begging for. Another orgasm? Was that even possible? I needed… something. I needed him.
“I’ve got you, lish,” he breathed as if he knew exactly what I needed and was going to give it to me.
He kissed me hard – my lips, my neck, my nipples, as he worked harder and faster to release himself. His breathing grew rapid and impatient and I clawed at the skin of his arms, pulling him into me as tight as I could as he cried out, whimpering my name, his body juddering above me. Then I exploded, tightening around him as he gave me what my body was so desperately craving.
And then he stilled, sighing contentedly as he grazed the tip of my nose with his.
“I love you, Maddie.”
Oh.
I wanted so badly to believe him but my mind wouldn’t quit reminding me that I was just one in a long line of girls that he’d… been with.
“You… you don’t have to say that, Blaine.” What could only be described as hurt washed over his face, making his brow furrow as if he were in physical pain.
“You don’t believe me?” he asked, sadness, rejection saturating his deep voice as he rolled off me and propped himself up on his elbow.
“I- I want to believe you. It’s just… well…”
“Maddie?” he urged as I became a stuttering mess. “Do you regret what we just did? Did you not enjoy it?” He couldn’t have sounded more wounded if he’d tried.
“No! Blaine, I have never wanted something so much in my whole life as much as I just wanted you – as much as I still want you. And believe me, I have never enjoyed anything more in my life either.”
“Then, what is it? Talk to me, lish.”
“It’s just, of course I enjoyed it. But then I’ve barely got anything to compare it to. Whereas you? That wasn’t your first, or probably even second third or fourth-”
“I don’t understand what you’re getting at, lish,” he cut me off, his voice rich with confusion as he cupped my face in his hands. “If this is about sex, Maddie… then yes, you’re right, I have been with lots of girls,” an involuntary gasp betrayed me at his candidness, “but I can honestly say that is the first time I have ever made love. The first time I have ever let anybody see me, touch me - everywhere. The first time I’ve ever wanted anybody to touch me. The first time when all I could think about was the beautiful woman lying beneath me.
“If you can’t believe me now, then you will. I will prove it to you, Maddie. I will show you everyday how much you mean to me until there are no doubts left in your mind. I mean it, I do love you. I’ve never been more sure about anything in my life.”
Blaine slipped an arm around my waist and draped his leg over mine, pulling me into him so tightly it was almost deliciously painful. Then he kissed my hair, inhaling deeply.
“I love you too,” I murmured, so faintly I wasn’t sure he could even hear me.
And I did. I knew I did because the thought of someone hurting him ripped my heart into a million pieces. I knew it because he was all I could think about when we were apart. And I knew because as I lay there in his arms I had never felt so safe, so needed, so loved.
There was nowhere on earth I would rather have been than lying spent and naked with Blaine Elwood. My Blaine Elwood.
Chapter Eight
Blaine
I didn’t realise it until the moment the words passed my lips that I was in love with Maddie, and now that was all I could think about – how much I loved her, how much I missed her when we were apart. But because of that I felt like the most selfish asshole in the world.
Gut wrenching pain swamped her beautiful brown eyes when she saw my scars last night. Not horror, not disgust… just pain. I made her feel like that and I detested myself for it.
Before she fell asleep in my arms last night she asked if I wanted to talk about it. I declined, refusing to allow anything to taint the memory of the time we had just spent together. I would remember that night as the time I first made love to Maddie… not the night I allowed myself to crumble at the hands of my father.
She was going to want to talk about it soon though and as yet I didn’t have a clue what I was going to say. How could I explain it without me sounding as weak and pathetic as I actually was? How could I tell her I willingly lay down and took each run of the blade without putting up a fight? That I said I understood that Maddie was no good for me and I would stay away from her, just because I was too fucking scared of what might happen if I argued?
Maddie always looked at me as if I was some kind of hero. I could see it in her eyes – the way she would just stare at me as if I was the most fascinating thing she’d ever seen. My heart grew heavy as I realised that could all be about to end thanks to my spineless inability to stand up to my father.
I needed to get home before my dad woke up and leaving Maddie alone after the night we’d just shared was one of the most difficult things I’d ever done. She fell asleep in my arms and although I felt tired I just couldn’t seem to stop watching her. She does this funny little thing when she’s sleeping where she exhales so heavily her lips blow silent raspberries – kind of like a horse!
She’s amazing.
She sighed as I rolled her onto her back and slipped my arm from underneath her. I noticed blood spotting the sheets and a hefty dose of guilt stabbed me right in the gut. Not because I regret doing that to her, Jesus Christ, I would never regret that – knowing that she was mine, and had only ever been mine… but because I had to leave her. Running the risk of sounding like a pre-menstrual fucking woman, last night was unquestionably the single most wonderful night of my life.
Grabbing Maddie’s cell off the floor by her bed (I swear she is one of the most disorganised people I have ever met) I set it to silent whilst I sent her a goodbye text for her to read when she woke up.
I’m so sorry I had to leave. Please don’t think I’m running – last night was amazing. I meant what I said. I love you. B
After hitting send on my own cell I re-enabled the sound on Maddie’s before placing it on the pillow next to her. Then I quickly threw on my clothes from the floor, brushed my lips across her forehead and crept out of the house.
I got home at 4:45 am which meant I had fifteen minutes to haul my ass up to bed before my dad came banging on my door for my morning gym session. After creeping into the dark house I gagged on my heart when a light flipped on behind me.
“Blaine?”
Thank fuck. It was Trudy.
“I was, um, thirsty?” I mentally clapped myself on the back as I silently awarded myself first prize for the world’s shittiest lie.
“Can I talk to you?” she asked sincerely.
“I can’t. Dad will be calling me in for the gym soon,” I replied flatly before taking the next stair.
“I’ve adjusted his alarm. Your father won’t be awake for another hour. Please, Blaine.” I don’t know if it was the desperate, genuine tone to her voice, or just pure curiosity which made me stop in my tracks. I turned on the fourth stair and started making my way back down.