by Nicola Haken
“I’m heading to the mall… pick up a new cell. Come with me?” His words formed a statement but sounded more like a question. I very briefly considered saying no. I was supposed to be meeting Lori. I’d never ditched school before for something as frivolous as shopping, and I felt like I should be acting extra responsible without a parent at home.
“Sure,” was the only possible way to answer his pleading blue eyes. “I just need to text Lori.”
I text Lori on the way and told her where I was going and that I doubted I’d be back in school today. She replied by calling me a badass and telling me she’d tell the office I’d gone home sick. Knowing Lori, she’d have fabricated a lie so elaborate it would sound like I was lucky to still be alive. She’s the best!
After pulling up at the shopping centre – a different one which was unbelievably even fancier than the one Lori brought me to – I followed Blaine to the phone shop. We were in and out in under five minutes and then we headed straight back to his car. God, boys were easy to shop with. He needed a phone… he got a phone. So why when Lori needed a new pair of shoes, did she also need three new dresses, two tops, one scarf and a shit load of accessories?
Back in Blaine’s canary-yellow Lamborghini he asked if we could go to my place. I agreed without hesitation, eager to be alone with him – to hold him.
“I love you, lish. I need you to know that,” he declared before he pulled out of his parking space. Again his voice was desperate, intense – as if he were afraid I was going to disappear in a puff of smoke.
“Of course I know. I love you too.”
Chapter Eleven
Maddie
“Can I see?” I asked gently as we lay fully clothed on top of my bed. He’d just confessed his latest strike was for leaving school early yesterday to take me home. His second was for missing football practice to go with my mum to the hospital and his third was for earning two in one day. I had never felt so guilty.
Gingerly Blaine leaned forward and pulled his shirt from his head the way that boys do – from bottom to top in one fluid motion.
“Fuck, Blaine.” I gasped when the fresh wounds invaded my line of vision. Strike one was slashed diagonally across the previous four which, although closed up, were still red and slightly swollen. “That must’ve hurt like hell.”
The next two were a couple of inches below – the beginnings of a new tally. Although fairly small, just over an inch in length, they were deep… gaping.
“Blaine I think you need to see someone about this. I think it needs stitches.”
“No,” he said firmly, shaking his head. “They’ll be fine. They’re not the worst I’ve had.” It felt like whatever implement Mitch had used against his son’s body had also ripped through my heart, shredding it into a thousand ribbons. “I’m sorry, Maddie, but I just can’t. I’m just not ready. Please don’t think bad of me.”
If there were any scraps of my heart left then he’d just shredded those too.
“Blaine I could never think bad of you. Don’t you see it’s because I love you?” I cupped his face in my hands. “It kills me to see you hurting like this. I just want to take it all away and I can’t. I feel so helpless.”
Blaine took hold of my wrists and slowly pulled my hands from his face, bringing them to his chest so I was palming his tight, rippling muscles. Then he leaned his face to mine so our lips were just inches apart.
“You can’t take it away, Maddie, but you can help me forget,” he whispered into my mouth as he brushed my anxious lips with his. “Make me forget.”
And so I did. Twisting my fingers into his smooth dark hair I kissed him, I made love to him, and then – even though it was the middle of the day – I held his naked body until he fell asleep in my arms.
By the time Blaine started to stir it was almost time to visit my mum in hospital and then get ready for my first shift at the coffee shop. I’d been watching him sleep for what seemed like hours, absorbing the peacefulness of his beautiful face. He let out a weary groan as his eyes began to flicker and my heart sank a little. He would be leaving soon. He would be going home – possibly to face the wrath of his twisted father.
“What time is it?” he asked groggily when he opened his eyes.
“Almost four. I have to leave for the hospital soon,” I said despondently, not wanting to be away from him – knowing that when we were apart despicable, painful things happened to him.
“Can I come too? I’ll drive you,” he practically pleaded – his blue eyes heart-wrenchingly desperate.
“I’d love that. I’m sure my mum would too,” I beamed, grateful for another couple of hours together – another couple of hours knowing he was safe.
After kissing his nose I took off to the shower. After a few minutes Blaine unexpectedly joined me and I think it’s fair to say I completely re-enacted the scene from Psycho by screaming so loud. Naturally his company significantly extended my time in the shower and by the time I got out I was rushing around like a loon trying to make sure I wasn’t late.
The part of the hospital my mum was in was a daunting place. Walking through the oppressive white corridors we passed a woman cradling a teddy bear and singing it a lullaby like it was a real baby. Then we witnessed a half naked man being restrained by two male nurses as he tried to remove his last item of clothing – his boxer shorts – in the middle of the TV room.
When we reached my mum’s side room the doctor was already with her. Flustered, I apologised immediately for my lateness before introducing myself and Blaine and then giving my mum a peck on the cheek. The balding doctor introduced himself as Doctor Andrews and then proceeded to shake my hand and then Blaine’s.
“Your mom and I would like to share what we’ve discussed today. Perhaps you would like to do this in private?” Doctor Andrews said, nodding to Blaine and then looking to my mum for approval. Blaine gave an acknowledging nod and turned to leave, but then my mum called him back.
“You can say whatever you want in front of him,” she declared, dismissing the doctor with a wave of her hand. “She’ll only tell him later anyway,” she added playfully. I smiled gratefully at her and mouthed ‘thank you’.
I was beginning to think that despite barely knowing him, she loved Blaine too. Then again, how could she not? How could anyone not? An unwelcome image of Blaine’s father filtered through into my thoughts and I had to mentally slap it away. I didn’t have time to concentrate on hating him just now – and by Christ did I hate him. I had to concentrate on the imminent conversation regarding my mother’s mental health.
I settled down in the grey leather armchair beside my mum’s bed and patted the hard plastic chair next to me for Blaine to sit on. As he joined me my mum scooted to the edge of her bed and crossed her legs, anxiously drumming her fingers against her knees.
“So, Annie, are you still willing for me to discuss what we’ve talked about today?” Doctor Andrews asked my mum.
“Sure,” she said, shrugging like a teenager. I rolled my eyes. As with everything else in life I got the feeling she wasn’t taking this seriously.
“Well I would like to start by saying it is impossible for me to make a definitive diagnosis at this stage. As I told your mom earlier I would like her to stay with us for three weeks for what we call an initial assessment period. After that it is imperative she follows any care plan we have established for her and that she regularly attends any clinic appointments we arrange for her.”
“Oh she will. I’ll make sure of it.” I issued my mum a sober stare. The type she, as the parent, should technically be giving me. “So, what do you think could be wrong? You must have an inkling.” My words came out a little brash and I quickly hoped I didn’t sound rude.
“Well, given your mom’s recent behaviour – the episodes of psychosis especially – and also the history you presented to my colleague the night she was admitted, I am leaning towards what we call schizoaffective disorder. But-”
“What like schizophrenia?” I interrupted, feeling ph
ysically winded. My mum couldn’t be that crazy could she?
“Similar, but not quite. Schizoaffective disorder is a type of mood disorder. The patient may experience episodes of mania and depression in between bouts of psychosis.” I watched my mum intently whilst the doctor was speaking. She was picking at her nails and looking altogether… bored. I almost wanted to slap the severity of the situation into her.
“Of course, bipolar disorder is another mood affecting illness which presents similar symptoms. The differences lie in how often your mom suffers episodes of psychosis, how severe they are and how long each episode lasts. For us to be able to determine a diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder, your mom must present with schizophrenic elements of the condition for at least two weeks,” he explained so matter of fact.
“You mean she’s got to be crazy for two weeks?” I snapped in disbelief. “You’re supposed to be stopping her from going mad! Isn’t that why she’s here? So you can help her? Not wait for her to lose it again… just to make sure.”
“I can assure you we are helping your mom, Maddie. But we need to understand what we’re dealing with before we can establish appropriate treatment for her.” Tears welled in the back of my eyes and again I looked at my mum, naively hoping she would offer me some kind of comfort – an encouraging smile, a few words of reassurance… I got nothing. “I’m going to leave you alone now. Give you all time to absorb this information and talk it through with each other. Do you have any questions before I go?”
Only a million.
“No. Thank you, Doctor,” I said with a fake smile. He nodded in acknowledgement to me, Blaine, then my mum before turning and heading out the door – his long white overcoat swooshing behind him.
“Well, that’s it then,” my mum said, shrugging. “I’m officially fucking mental.”
“Oh, Mum!” I snapped. “Can’t you be serious for once in your life, I’m scared to death here!”
Any hint of humour swiftly evaporated from my mum’s face as she hopped off the bed to kneel in front of me.
“I’m sorry, Maddie,” was all she said before wrapping her arms around me. “I’m scared too.” I rested my head on her shoulder and a silent sob escaped from my throat, my tears seeping through the cerise cotton of her shirt.
“I’ll leave you two alone for a while,” Blaine murmured considerately, rising from his chair.
“No you won’t. She needs you,” my mum ordered, pointing a taught finger at Blaine. “I need you to take care of her whilst I’m hold up in here. I can count on you to do that can’t I?”
“Of course. You have my word.”
I smiled as I realised just how much these two magnificent people loved me, and I loved them.
“Now listen here, baby,” my mum said, wiping the tears from my cheeks with her thumbs. “You put those tears away, get your face on and go knock ‘em dead at that coffee shop. Then ring me when you get home and tell me all about it.”
I nodded reluctantly. I didn’t want to leave her here all alone surrounded by a bunch of crazy people but I couldn’t afford to screw up my second chance at work. I was sure I wouldn’t be lucky enough to get a third.
“Okay,” I uttered passively. “I love you, Mum.”
“Love you too, baby girl.”
Back at home I changed quickly into the uniform Sarah had provided me with when she offered me the job – a white polo shirt with Brewed Awakenings embroidered in brown cotton above an emblem of a steaming coffee cup over my right breast, with some black boot-cut pants. I sighed as I pulled my black shoes on, knowing Blaine would definitely have to leave soon. Noticing my dejection he asked what was wrong. When I told him I wished he didn’t have to go home he offered to drive me to work.
“Actually, lish, I was wondering if I could stay with you for a while,” he said, filling me with both fear and relief. I wanted nothing more than to spend more time with him, sleep with him every night, know he was safe… But then I also wondered just how many strikes that would earn him.
The dilemma ripped my heart in two.
“What about your dad? He’ll never allow it.”
“I can’t do it anymore. I just can’t deal with it, I need some time away. I won’t tell him where I am. I won’t tell anyone. I understand if you don’t want me to, I just-”
“Blaine I want nothing more,” I interjected, placing my hands on his slumped shoulders. “I just don’t want you… to get hurt.” I almost choked on the words. I would never understand how anyone could hurt him, let alone his own father.
“Nothing can hurt me when I’m with you. Please, lish, just for a few days?”
“Guess you better choose which side of the bed you want… roomie.” Blaine anchored his hands around my thighs and hoisted me up in one lithe movement.
“Have I told you how much I love you today?” he beamed.
“Not for an hour or so,” I replied, throwing my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist. I leaned in to kiss him but he clicked his tongue and set me down on the floor.
“If you do that I guarantee you’ll be late for work.” He winked at me and I giggled, momentarily forgetting to be nervous about my first shift. “Come on, lish, let’s get going.”
When Blaine pulled up outside the coffee house my nervous heart had sank so low it felt like it was trying to crawl its way out through my arse. After insisting Blaine didn’t come in with me like he’d wanted I sighed heavily as I watched him drive away. Then I took a moment to remember how to breathe and how to pronounce my name before holding my head up high and becoming a swan - I may have been kicking and struggling beneath the surface where no one could see, but on the outside I was calm and graceful.
Until I tripped over the welcome mat.
“Oh my god are you alright?” a slender guy with smooth bleached blonde hair and designer stubble asked me as he held out his hand to help me from the floor. I nodded, patting my flaming red cheeks with my hand before taking his and pulling myself to my feet. “Are you hurt?”
“Only my pride,” I assured him with an utterly embarrassed smile.
“I’m Donovan, people call me Don. You must be Maddie?” I nodded and after he released my hand I held it out again for him to shake. “Come on through. Sarah’s in the back.” He cocked his head for me to follow him and I did.
People glanced up from the walnut tables to stare at me as I walked past – probably desperate to laugh at the ‘You’ve Been Framed’ moment they’d just witnessed. Don led me across the black and white chequered tile floor into the back room where Sarah was drinking what looked like a strawberry smoothie. She wiped a little froth from her top lip when she saw me and stood up from the black leather armchair she was sitting on.
“I’m glad you made it,” she beamed. “How’s your mom?”
“Oh, um, yeah, she’s fine,” I stuttered, surprised that she cared enough to remember. “Thank you.”
“Well I’ve asked Don to show you the ropes. Just shadow him for a couple of days and you should soon pick it up. There’s really nothing to it.” I thought as much but didn’t like to say in case I sounded big headed. I mean, how difficult can serving coffee and cinnamon rolls be?
“Sounds great. Thanks, Sarah.”
“No problem. Right, I’m off,” she said, grabbing her jacket from a tall walnut coat rack and shrugging it on. “Give me a call if you need anything.” Don and I muttered ‘will do’ at the same time and then Sarah smiled and left. Her departure left me feeling a little lost. I didn’t know anybody else here. Not that I even knew her really, but whenever I’d role-played working here in my imagination I had always been working with her.
“Sarah clocks off this time most days,” Don clarified, clearly noticing my uncertainty as we walked out into the bar area. “It’s just you, me and Michelle for the evening shifts,” he said, nodding his head towards a girl with her back turned to us – a girl with an oddly familiar brunette ponytail. “Yo, Michelle!”
The brunette spun aro
und at the sound of her name.
“Oh!” I exclaimed, instantly recognising the girl who had Sky’s face pinned to a table just a few hours ago. I loved her immediately.
“Maddie right?”
“Yeah.”
“Our token straight,” Don teased, winking at Michelle and then me in turn. Don’s sexuality punched me in the face the moment he first opened his mouth. Was he saying Michelle was gay too? Not that I cared of course but I’d seen her talking to Lori a few times and wondered if either of them knew about the other – like maybe they had ‘gaydar’ or something.
“I didn’t know you worked here?” In fact I didn’t think any of the uber rich kids from school would ever need or want to work anywhere.
“I just started last week. I think you’ll love it – it’s more fun than work most nights.” I relaxed instantly. Again, I didn’t actually ‘know’ Michelle but she was a familiar face who seemed to like me. Don seemed pretty nice too. I was sure I was going to like it here.
“Right, Mads,” Mads? “Take a deep breath and follow me,” Don said. I was confused until I looked behind me and saw a mob of thirsty looking customers starting to form. As instructed I dragged in a huge preparing breath, stretched my neck from side to side and cemented a smile on my face.
I was a swan.
It turned out serving coffee was a damn sight harder than it looked. I spent a good hour trying to revise the menu and counted no less than fourteen different types of coffee, eight different espressos, four types of tea, twelve varieties of smoothies and a whole page of speciality drinks containing caramel, chocolate, coconut… the list seemed endless. And that’s not including the fact they all come either hot or iced and I hadn’t even started looking at the food options available.
I watched in amazement as Michelle danced around the cream and dark wood coffee house taking orders and reeling off special offers and prices without having to so much as glance at a menu. I hoped, but seriously doubted, I would have it all covered in a week like she clearly did.