by Nicola Haken
I shifted my hands to the wheel when I saw her lean up against the side wall of the garage. When he moved in front of her and leaned in so their bodies were actually touching my fingers gripped around the leather so tightly my grazed knuckles turned white. I didn’t want to watch this. I shouldn’t be watching this. So why the fuck was I watching it?
It felt like my heart had flown out of my mouth in a tsunami of vomit and then got ran over by great big motherfucking truck when the grimy bastard started kissing her. He fucking kissed her! His lips actually landed on hers. On Maddie’s. On my Maddie’s!
She wasn’t mine.
I tried to massage the tension out of my jaw as I willed myself to look away. Crap lot of use that did – I was still staring. I squinted my eyes as I struggled to see the expression on her face. Was she enjoying what was happening? Was she kissing him back? In the dimly lit driveway I couldn’t see well enough to be sure.
My stomach twisted when their bodies started moving. He was practically dry humping her. Her head was flitting from side to side like she was in utter ecstasy, her curls bouncing off her cheeks. I rolled my eyes. He couldn’t be that fucking good. I felt sick. Was I really about to watch the only girl I’ve ever loved screw some stoner douchebag up a fucking wall?
That was when I saw her hands clamp down on his shoulders. He pulled them off, wedged her wrists together and held them down by her side as she wriggled beneath him. He slid his free hand up her skirt and then I saw her leg struggling against him. He had it pinned down with his knee.
Fuck! She was trying to kick him off!
I practically pole-vaulted from my car and ran towards them without closing the door behind me.
“I said no!” Maddie screamed as I got nearer.
A nanosecond later my fist was clutching the back of his blue-striped shirt. I pulled him off her and slammed his body into the wall of the house adjacent to the garage. He cried out as his skull cracked against the brick.
“You don’t fucking touch her!” I yelled as I pummelled my fist into his face.
The feeling of his nose snapping against my knuckles satisfied me. The sound of his blood squelching as I thrust my balled hands into his skin again and again was gratifying.
“Blaine!” Maddie whimpered. I ignored her. “Stop! Please!”
I didn’t stop. Even when he slid to the ground, trying to shield his face with his forearms I kept going. Once he lay flat on the ground I changed tactic. I kicked him. I rammed my foot into the perverted bastard over and over. I enjoyed the sounds he choked out when I heard his ribs break against my shoe. He spluttered and grunted. Then he wailed like a giant fucking pussy.
It spurred me on and I kept kicking.
Then I was being restrained. Strong arms wrapped around me from behind, pinning my arms down by my sides.
“You’re gonna fucking kill him!” Jason’s voice blared in my ears.
That was my plan.
“Let the fuck go of me!” I snapped, struggling to break free. “He was hurting her god dammit! She said no! He was gonna fucking rape her!” I blasted.
“Well he ain’t now, man. Look at him! You’ve made your point.” I looked to the floor. Jared was sprawled on his back. His face was so swollen he was barely recognisable and there was blood seeping out of every visible inch of skin. It wasn’t enough though.
He was still breathing.
“Let go of me, asshole!”
“How about we forget that dick then and look at her! Go on, look at her!”
My eyes rolled towards Maddie. She was still leaning against the garage wall with her arms wrapped around herself. She was crying. She was shaking. She was… terrified. Shit, was she terrified of me?
My body relaxed to the point I thought I was going to pass out. Jason released me immediately. In my head I was walking over to Maddie. I was comforting her. Holding her. Trailing kisses along her jaw. Telling her everything was going to be okay and I would never let anyone hurt her ever again.
In reality, I was running back to my car and driving the fuck out of there.
Maddie
When I got home Lori was refusing to leave me. I appreciated her concern but I just didn’t want her there. I didn’t want anybody there. Besides, Lori’s obvious edginess would have only made my mum suspicious. Thankfully after convincing her I just needed to sleep and that I would call her the second I woke up, she left – albeit reluctantly.
I felt awful about what had happened. She had gone to so much effort to make sure I had a good time – streamers, balloons, alcohol… She’d invited everyone in her address book and their plus three’s, and even stolen some of the CD’s I’d picked up in a charity shop my first week here without me noticing to make sure the music was to my taste. Then I go and repay her by taking it too far with some guy I didn’t even like and having the night finish with the scene of police cars and ambulances invading the grounds of her house.
Jason whisked me away into the house before the police arrived and told me to keep my mouth shut, which I did. He said they would just put what happened down to us being two drunk teenagers and that Blaine would get in a shit load of trouble. And that was just the police – I didn’t even want to think about how many strikes that would earn him from his father.
I was only just starting to worry about keeping quiet. I must have surely broken some kind of law. I’d never broken the law before. What if I was arrested? Christ, they still have the death penalty in America don’t they?
Right in the middle of me scaring myself to death with visions of me being strapped down to a wired-up wooden chair, my phone bleeped.
Holy fuck.
I’m sorry
He was sorry? Blaine was sorry! Sorry for what? Following me? Half beating Jared to death? Breaking my heart into so many pieces it struggled to beat every single second of every single minute of every single hour of every single fucking day?
Sorry!
I’d done so well not to cry for at least ten hours today, but that had totally been counteracted by the fact I’d done nothing but for the last three. My head pounded as I relived the evening. Why was Blaine even there? Was he coming to see me? Was he finally going to explain what went wrong? Would I even want him to anymore?
Yes. Yes of course I would.
Whatever the reason I had never been so pleased to see anyone in my life. I didn’t want to go outside with Jared in the first place. It was Michelle who suggested I could use it as an opportunity to see if I was ready to move on. Something along the lines of ‘kiss him and you’ll know’. And so I did… kind of. I let him kiss me, but I couldn’t bring myself to kiss him back. Instead I just stood there like a corpse while he slobbered all over my face.
I remember then whispering ‘stop’ into his mouth. He didn’t. If anything his grip around me became tighter. His lips worked even firmer against mine. I tried to push him off but he grabbed my hands and bound my wrists together with his fingers. Tears scratched at my eyes when his hand trailed up my thigh. I shouted no but he just laughed and carried on.
In the blink of an eye he was gone. I felt on the verge of fainting when I exhaled for the first time since he’d kissed me. It took me a few seconds to comprehend what I was seeing. Blaine had Jared pinned against the wall opposite me, punching him so hard I could hear his bones crack.
I shook my head as I remembered every vivid detail, trying to shake it all away because it was making me nauseous. It didn’t work. My mind was flooded with snapping sounds and images of blood spurting from gaping wounds. With that thought I ran to the bathroom and gripped onto the cool porcelain toilet with both hands. I spewed my guts up until there was nothing left and then I sank to the floor, resting my flushed cheek against the cool tile as dry heaves and sobs wracked through my body.
Chapter Fourteen
Maddie
I woke up on the hard bathroom floor some hours later to my mum banging on the door.
“You in there, Maddie?”
No. A
fucking ghost has hijacked the bathroom and locked the door.
“Yeah. I’ll be out in a minute,” I answered as chirpily as I could manage. “Actually I’m just gonna hop in the shower,” I tacked on when I gagged on the whiff of vomit coming from my matted hair.
“Bacon?” she asked. I retched loudly. “Too much to drink last night huh?” And then she laughed. I wished she was right.
“Something like that,” I muttered and then I heard her footsteps growing fainter as she made her way to the kitchen.
I lingered in the shower until the water ran cold. Even then I didn’t get out straight away. The cool spray was refreshing… and painful enough to help me forget. When I eventually resurfaced I threw on some joggers and a wholly unflattering, shapeless grey t-shirt before scrunching my hair into a high ponytail and heading out into the living room.
“I won’t do it. You can’t make me.” my mum whispered aggressively down the phone. “Get fucked, Trudy.” Then she hung up. Her eyes widened in horror when she spun around and saw me standing there.
“Oh,” she uttered. “Bacon,” she said, “I’m making bacon.” She nodded to herself as if she was having a conversation with someone who wasn’t there.
“Can I talk to you?” I asked warily. What the fuck was it with Treacle lately? People loved her then hated her, or hated her then loved her. I was missing something and I was determined to find out what.
“I thought that’s what we were doing,” she said and then practically ran the two steps into the kitchen. “I put you some bacon under the grill anyway. You need food if you’ve got a hangover. I know you might not feel like it but-”
“Mum!” I interrupted. She was avoiding the subject she knew I was going to question her about. “Please come and sit down.”
“I can’t. The bacon will burn.” I reached across her and turned the knob for the grill off.
“Please,” I virtually begged. She huffed into her shoulder like a stroppy twelve-year-old and then stomped over to the sofa. “What’s going on with you and Trudy?” I asked bluntly. No point in beating around the bush.
“Nothing.”
“Don’t lie to me! That’s not the first row I’ve heard you have with her. Something’s going on and I want to know.”
“There’s nothing to know,” she said, shrugging and looking towards the floor. I sat myself down next to her.
“The doctor said he thought you were hiding something from him. That maybe you had a trigger that led to your…” I trailed off.
“That led to me turning into a fucking nut case?”
I sighed, unsure of how to proceed. If I yelled at her, insisted that she answered me she might close down… or go mental again. But if I tried the nicey-nicey approach, she might walk all over me and convince me there was nothing to worry about.
“Please, Mum. I’m just worried about you. I could always ask Trudy.” I tried calling her bluff. I had no desire or intentions of talking to Treacle but my mum didn’t know that.
“No!” she snapped. “You mustn’t do that! Promise me, Maddie. Please don’t do that.”
“I’m not promising anything. Either you tell me, or she does. I want to know what’s going on!” I insisted.
“Maddie please. I can’t… just leave it alone. Please.” I shifted nervously in my seat. This sounded a hell of a lot more serious than I was expecting. To be honest I thought my mum had just stolen a few bucks from Treacle’s purse or something. I know that sounds despicable, and even worse that I sound not altogether arsed about it – but well… that’s just something my mum would do I guess.
“Mum you’re starting to scare me now. What the hell is going on?” I looked down at my mum’s hands. She was trying to stem the trembling by twisting her fingers together on top of her knees.
“Mum!” I snapped. She started to cry so I placed my hand on top of her knee and squeezed it encouragingly.
“Please, Maddie. Please don’t do this,” she pleaded, her voice rippling through her sobs.
“Do what, Mum? Will you just spit it out already!” I barked impatiently. I hadn’t meant to but she was freaking me the hell out. “Please, Mum. Whatever it is will be okay. We can deal with anything you and me, remember?”
My mum brought my hand up to her lips and kissed each of my fingers before clutching it close to her heart.
“Okay,” she sighed, deflated. “I need you to promise me something though?”
“Anything.”
“After what I’m about to tell you, you will probably hate me. You will probably want to run away and never look back and I won’t blame you for that. I knew this day would come eventually – despite praying every single day that it wouldn’t. What I need you to promise is that you’ll try and believe me when I say that I love you. That I have always loved you, despite the shit job I’ve done of raising you.”
My pulse throbbed so violently it felt like my body was trying to take off. What ever she was about to say I was almost sure I wasn’t ready to hear. What the fuck had I done?
“Promise me, Maddie!” she repeated.
“I-I promise.”
My mum nodded and dragged in a deep breath.
“Maddie, I’m not your real mother,” she claimed calmly.
“What! What the fuck are you talking about?” I shouted, jumping up from my seat. This had to be a joke. Her sickest ever granted, but a joke nonetheless. Unless… oh my god she was going mental again. “Should I call the doctor? Do you think it’s happening again? Yes. I’ll call him. I think it’s happening again. Where’s my phone. Shit where’s his number…”
“Maddie!” my mum yelled. I didn’t see her stand up but suddenly her face was level with mine. “Maddie look at me,” she ordered, placing her hands on my shoulders. Reluctantly, I did as I was told. “It’s the truth. I’m not going mad. I’m not making a joke. It’s real, Maddie. I’m not your mum.”
How? Who? When?
“You-you… how can you not be my mum?” I shook my head. I felt like if I shook it hard enough it would toss out all the impossible shit pouring into my ears.
“Trudy is your mother, Maddie.”
“What!” I jerked away from her. She reached out for me but then seeing the hostility oozing from my body she shrank back again. “Trudy? Trudy Trudy? Trudy Elwood Trudy?”
“Yes, Maddie.” I kept shaking my head. “Trudy’s maiden name was Davis.”
Holy shit. My surname is Davis!
“I can’t…what… I mean why…”
“I can’t tell you why she left you, Maddie. I mean, Mitch offered her an escape out of our one-bed rat infested flat. He offered her money and luxury. She would never want for anything… so she took it. But as for you, I don’t know why – or how – she could’ve left you.”
I felt faint. Sick. My mum was the pivot as the room span around us.
“But I loved you. I still love you! I was a screw up I know. I’ve been fucked up my whole life but I never left you! I couldn’t. You were such a beautiful, perfect little girl and I didn’t even need to think about taking you on as my own. As far as I’m concerned you are mine. You always will be.”
“Is-is that why we came here? So you could… introduce me to the woman who gave birth to me?” I wouldn’t call her ‘Mum’. I couldn’t.
“No. We came here because as usual I fucked up. I needed to get away – far away - and Trudy offered to help us. She swore to me nothing would change – that she was happy to be in your life as a ‘friend’. But when she saw you…”
“So you would have lied to me for what? Forever? You would’ve let me live here with her, knowing who she was and that she abandoned me!”
“I’m so sorry, Maddie.” Without realising what I was doing I started walking towards the door. “No don’t go! Not like this. Please talk to me. Don’t leave me, Maddie, I love you! You’re my baby!”
When I looked back my mum was on her knees with her hands clasped as if she was praying.
“I’m not leavin
g,” I assured her. “Well, I am leaving but I’m not leaving leaving. I’ll be back later. I just need some air.” It was a sort of lie. I was coming back – but I wasn’t leaving for air. I was leaving to go and have it out with Treacle, and the way I felt in that moment I was pretty sure I was going to smack her abandoning arse into next week.
“I don’t hate you… Mum,” I said without looking at her. Then I pulled on some trainers, walked out the door, slammed it behind me and sprinted to the main road to hail a taxi.
Blaine
Maddie didn’t reply to my text. I’d finally succeeded in making her hate me. That was a good thing. I was happy about that. Expect I totally wasn’t. It hurt like hell.
I spent the whole of last night lying awake and doing something which only ever makes me feel like shit… thinking. At one point I found myself wishing I could go back a few months. Life was so much easier when all I had to think about was which girl to get wasted that night.
Strikes were an… issue, of course but on the whole if I kept my mouth shut and excelled at football then I didn’t have to deal with them too often – couple of times a month maybe. Things would still likely be that simple if I’d never allowed myself to get so close to Maddie. Maybe if…
No. I don’t regret that. I can’t.
Despite everything I only ever felt happy… safe, when I held Maddie in my arms. I would always be grateful for that. In fact, if I spent the rest of my life succumbing to this torturous existence it would almost be worth it knowing I had experienced what it felt like to love… to be loved.
I was rummaging in the freezer for ice for my knuckles when I heard banging at the door. Not regular knocking – but bashing utter shit out of it knocking. Curious, I made my way towards it. I hadn’t buzzed anyone in so it must be someone with the code to the gates. The thunderous bashing continued and I rolled my eyes as I reached for the handle – it was probably just Trudy forgot her keys… again.