by Nicola Haken
All in all everyone at school was accepting of Lori’s revelation. It was at home she struggled the most. Her mother refused to talk to her for almost three weeks and then Michelle donned her no-bullshit cape and went to see Mrs Hanson without warning Lori. To this day nobody except Michelle and Mrs Hanson know what was said. All we do know, is that night Lori came home to the longest, tightest hug she’d had from her mother since being a little girl.
Now, Michelle and Lori walk hand in hand, loud and proud. After graduating they were both accepted into UCLA and now share a dorm on campus. They’re so in love it makes me feel a little nauseous and I find myself hoping me and Blaine don’t stare it each other so gooey-eyed in public.
Although I suspect we probably do.
Lori has been the best friend I could ever ask for. Michelle a close second. I guess I should throw Don in there somewhere too. I have wonderful friends. I’m thankful for that today.
Thanks to our altogether fucked up start to the year Blaine and I both failed finals. So did Jason. Not because he had a hard start to the year, but because he was spending more time screwing girls in the back of his car than studying. Therefore we are all repeating senior year – together. It’s not as bad as I imagined. If I’m honest I’m actually quite enjoying it and for the first time in my life I have a career goal. I’m planning to go to university and major in psychology. It feels kind of weird admitting this but my mum’s illness really intrigues me – fascinates me even. I want to understand it better – help people in her situation… our situation.
Blaine has quit football – even though he was their star player. I think he’s making a stand more than anything. Letting the world know nobody can tell him what to do anymore – except me of course! He wants to study law and I just know he’s more than capable. He’s one of the smartest people I know. It was circumstance keeping him from graduation, not lack of intelligence.
I love him so much. He loves me so much. We were meant to be – there’s no other explanation for how complete he makes me feel.
This time last year I was pretty much alone. Mopping up my mum’s sick on the odd occasion she bothered to come home. Twelve months later and I am about to sit down to Thanksgiving dinner with my boyfriend and my wonderful family. I couldn’t ask for anything more. I have never been so happy.
I am so incredibly thankful for that today, and always.
Epilogue
Blaine
“We did it, lish!” I said proudly, stepping over the sea of graduation caps and turning to Maddie. She smiled, equally proud and then leaned in to kiss me.
We did it. We graduated. Now we are ready to start our new life – just the two of us. I have bought us an apartment smack bang in between Trudy’s house and the university and we officially move in tomorrow. We made the decision to apply for local universities back in the fall – neither of us willing to leave the family we’d spent our entire lives missing out on. Besides, it doesn’t so much matter where you study, but how hard you are prepared work.
Life is good. Actually fuck that, life is great. I’ve almost forgotten what it feels like to be sad, or scared… almost. It took me a good six months of therapy to let go of the guilt. Yep, you heard right – I’ve been going to therapy. We all have. At first I only agreed to go because Maddie asked me – adamant that therapy was for pussies. But it was without a doubt one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. My therapist – Amanda – has this way of getting me to talk without even having to ask me questions. Then she suggests ways of re-thinking things that seem obvious once she’s said them but yet I’d never have come up with them on my own.
Sometimes we go as a family but most times on our own. We never ask what was said at anyone’s sessions unless we bring it up voluntarily or during family sessions. I don’t think it’s the kind of thing any of us feels comfortable discussing over the dinner table – ‘hey could you pass the salt? Oh yeah and do you remember that time I skipped practice and my dad raped me?’
My stomach twisted just thinking about it.
Having to see Kara every day, knowing how much she missed him even though she would never say it, tore me apart. We didn’t look each other in the eye for weeks. For the first few days she couldn’t even be in the same room as me. I took him away from her. That was how she saw it – at first anyway. The guilt shredded my insides to ribbons – despite what he’d done to me and almost did to Maddie. She refused to believe what he had done – or rather she didn’t want to. The evidence was forever etched upon my back.
Then, after arriving home from her fifth therapy session she called my name for the first time since it happened and hugged me as if she needed my touch just to breathe. I don’t know what happened in therapy that day and I don’t care. Like I said none of us ever discuss our private sessions – not even Maddie and me. All that matters is I got my little sister back that day and I will never ever let her go again.
In some fucked up sense I missed him myself for a while. That was closely followed by me hating myself for feeling such a thing. Then I accepted it. I didn’t miss what he’d done to me. I didn’t particularly miss him as such. I learnt to realise I missed the father I’d never had. These days I don’t tend to think about him that much – I won’t allow myself.
The initial few weeks that followed that day were the worst. Naturally everyone found out what had happened. It made the papers and the local news. Everyone knew what a twisted fuck he was and how weak I was. Or at least that’s what I used to believe – that I was weak. It was only when my therapist asked if Kara had been in my situation and acted the way I had would I see her as weak or pathetic? Would I think she deserved it for not being stronger like I believed for so long about myself?
No. Of course not. That’s when, for the first time, I realised I wasn’t responsible. I didn’t deserve the things that happened to me and it wasn’t my fault. It was his. He obviously had dark issues rooted deep inside him that were beyond anyone’s control but his own. I have accepted the fact I will never know the what’s or why’s. I don’t need to know. I don’t want to know. It’s over – that’s all I need to know. The past is exactly that – past… gone. That’s why I have vowed to only allow myself to think about the future from now on. After all, that’s where I’ll be spending the rest of my life.
There were stares and whispers when I started back at school but I’ve never been one to care what other people thought so that didn’t bother me… too much. The hardest part was probably the one armed hug I got off Jason, followed by lots of masculine coughing and a pat on the back.
Jason has graduated too… just. He’s not applied for any colleges though, choosing instead to go into his father’s undertakers business. The whole idea of that creeps me the hell out but each to their own I guess. I think he’s in love too, even though he fiercely denies it. But let’s just say he’s been screwing Bonnie Jepson exclusively for three whole months now and I haven’t caught him so much as glance at another girl’s tits.
Yep, he’s definitely in love. I’ll have to start inviting them on Maddie and my date nights with Lori and Michelle if he keeps this up. If for no other reason that I need another guy there. There’s only so many times I can listen to three girls discussing everything from vampires to makeup to periods without wanting to rip off my ears and dissolve them in acid.
“Congratulations!” Kara beamed, crashing in between me and Maddie in the crowd of cheering students. She high-fived Maddie and then me and then took hold of both our hands and started dragging us towards Annie and Trudy who were standing teary-eyed at the back of the hall.
Kara has changed… a lot. She has grown up so much – physically as well as emotionally. She’s turned into quite the little stunner, her resemblance to Maddie growing by the day. And… she’s got her first boyfriend - or at least the first one that she’s told me about. I’m not quite sure how I feel about that. Screw that, I know exactly how I feel – I don’t fucking like it. He seems a nice enough kid I gu
ess but I can’t look at him without remembering what was going through my mind at that age and wanting to ram his face into the nearest wall.
I’ve been pretty casual with him so far for Kara’s sake – just the odd stern look and too-firm handshake. But I swear if I find out his dick has so much as twitched while he’s around my sister I’ll crush his nuts until his face turns blue.
“I’m so proud of you both!” Annie wailed when we reached her in the swarm of parents, dabbing smudges of mascara from under her eyes with a crumpled tissue.
“Thanks, Mum,” Maddie replied whilst I gave a grateful nod.
Having Annie live with us has been easier than I thought it would be. I don’t want to sound like an insensitive jackass but I’d be lying if I said her illness didn’t weird me out at times. Yet just like the very first time I saw her having one of her ‘episodes’ I somehow automatically knew how to handle her. She’s been admitted to hospital only once since coming to live with us and that was almost eight months ago. Since then she’s been… normal.
After her most recent discharge she came out fighting – determined to get better and stay better and be the mum she always wanted to be for Maddie. And she has. She doesn’t drink or even smoke anymore and she spends all her time helping Clarabella with the housework. I’m pretty sure that irritates the hell out of Clarabella although she’s far too polite to say anything.
“I’m going to miss you two,” Trudy said with watery eyes and then wrapped her arms around Maddie who gladly let her. It’s been nice to watch them growing closer over the last few months. Since I first discovered the truth I had noticed that look of adoration in Trudy’s eyes whenever she looked at Maddie, and about six months ago I started seeing it in Maddie’s eyes too.
Reluctantly uncurling herself from Maddie, Trudy turned to me with her arms outstretched. I made a face which said ‘seriously?’ expecting her to back away but she ignored me and hugged me so tightly I think she might have punctured one of my lungs. Pulling away, I smiled at her. I didn’t meant to it just sort of appeared involuntarily. Hell, who was I kidding? I love Trudy. She is part of my family – my and Maddie’s family.
I love my family.
“Keys?” Maddie asked with a devilish grin spreading across her beautiful face. Damn. Maddie passed her driver’s test back in January but she was yet to get her paws on my precious Lambo. I’d told her it was because I didn’t trust anyone with my baby but the truth was I just loved to see her pout. She’s adorable when she’s frustrated. I’d also said however that my graduation present to her was going to be letting her drive us home in my car.
“Yeah… about that…” I trailed off, shrugging my shoulders.
“No way, Jose! You’re not pulling that one on me. Keys. Now,” she demanded all masterfully and sexy as hell.
“Maybe I just wanted to see you pout one last time,” I teased, whispering in her ear and then planting a soft kiss along her jaw. I heard a low moan escape from her lips and I had never wanted to get her home so fast. “Take us home. Now,” I ordered, being equally masterful as I tossed her my keys.
“Yeah, maybe we’ll hang around here for a while whilst you two go and, um, ‘celebrate’,” Annie air-quoted. You gotta love Annie and her candidness. Unless you were Trudy of course, who as usual rolled her eyes.
I raced Maddie to my car and as she reached for the handle to the driver’s side door I grabbed her waist and spun her round to face me, pressing her against the yellow metal with my body.
“Marry me,” I breathed. There I went again - that thing where ridiculous words spill involuntarily out of my mouth. Except this time they weren’t ridiculous. This time, the minute they’d left my lips I knew they were right. Although they slipped out by accident, those two words were the most perfect, wanted, necessary words in the world.
Maddie’s big brown eyes widened and almost instantly a jaw-splitting smile illuminated her pale face.
“Of course I will!” she beamed.
Breathing erratically, I cupped my fiancée’s face in my hands, kissing her softly.
“I love you, Maddie. So fucking much.”
“You’re not so bad yourself.”
The end.
Acknowledgements
I would like to thank my wonderful family for all their love and support. Especially my parents for providing me with such creative genes!
Thank you to my husband Michael for always believing in me and telling me daily I can do anything I set my mind to. For looking after our wonderful children whilst I’m hiding out in my own world with my fictional friends and for putting up with me whilst I ramble on about my constantly changing dreams and ideas.
Thank you to my beautiful children for being perfect (most of the time!) and for being excited about the fact that “Mum is an author!” Thank you for leaving me alone and taking your squabbles to your dad whilst I’m tapping away on the computer and thank you for the kisses and cuddles when I am done for the day.
Thank you to James at Cover Designs by humblenations.com for my fantastic cover which I am very proud of!
Finally, thank you to my sister in law and best friend in the whole world, Keeley Wall. Thank you for sharing my reading addiction. Thank you for all the hours spent talking nonsense about our fantastic ‘book guys’. Thank you for reading through and critiquing my unfinished books over and over again, for your encouragement, advice and your ideas. Love you, Keeya girly!
About the Author
I know technically this should be in third person but writing about myself like that feels kind of stupid so I’ll just tell you a bit about myself instead!
I was born in Rochdale, England and have lived there my entire life. A true home bird I still live there, just a few doors down from my parents and a few up from my sister and her family, with my wonderful husband. I am a full time mum to my four delightful (sometimes!) children and our Labrador Harry (who could easily give Marley a run for his doggy treats!).
When I’m not busy being a mum/housewife/all round slave or studying towards my degree in English Literature I can usually be found with either a laptop or kindle stuck in front of my face. Sometimes – if I’m feeling particularly wild – I might even have a real-life paperback there instead!
All in all I’m just your ordinary mum spending my days doing ordinary mum things. Unless I’m reading or writing of course and then I can be whoever I want to be! And that’s usually someone young, slim and gorgeous with a hot muscly man on her arm ;-)
Man, how I’d love to live in a book…