by Harper Sloan
"You really, truly believe that, huh?" She laughs and lets Cat jump from her lap. Even the cat gives me a look of disgust.
"It isn't that I believe it without proof. It's all I've known, Em. The only thing that I know of love is that it isn't real."
She throws her head back and laughs. "It isn't real?"
I nod, and she gives me a cold smile.
"So Axel and Izzy? Greg and Melissa? I suppose Beck doesn't love Dee? You're right. They must really hate each other." When her eyes go cold, I feel my own narrow in return. "All of these people around you give you proof that love is real and you still sit there believing that bullshit you've convinced yourself of. You're the one who helped each and every one of them get together you still sit there refusing to believe in it. Refusing to believe in me...in us."
"Emer--"
"No. I don't want to hear it, Maddox. You want to go home--fine. I don't have a home there anymore, so if you're going to make me come with you, then it looks like you have a roommate until I can see about renting my apartment back." She stands and starts to storm from the room.
"Emersyn Rose, sit your fucking ass down now."
Her back gets stiff, but shockingly, she turns and marches back to the couch. Throwing herself down with a huff, she folds her arms under her perfect tits and waits to see what my next move is.
"You want to know why I keep you locked out? You want me to give you a little bit of the depressing life of Maddox Locke?"
Her eyes flash, but I press on. If she's determined to know it all, then I'll give it to her.
"I was born into old money. My mother fucked the pool boy, and nine months later, the child she called her demon seed baby was born. The evil mistake of her sins born to do nothing but destroy everything. I have never, not once in thirty-six years, had a nice comment from my mother. My earliest memory is of her telling me not to play with my brother because my black soul will taint him. Yeah, my own mother said I would taint him. The one time Mason fell off his bike, on his own accord, I spend a week not able to sit because she beat me. She blamed me for his accident just because I was near him. I'll spare you the rest of the details, but they aren't pretty, and it's been one big 'fuck you' after another until the last day I saw her."
I take a breath and have to look away from her. The tears of pity are not something I care to see.
"The last time I saw her was right after I woke up from the bombing that took my leg. She took great care in reminding me how fucked up I was. That the two men who had lost their lives that day were just another thing my black soul had ruined. That I had killed them because they'd had the misfortune of being around me that day. She then dug the knife deeper, telling me that my fiancee had been working with them to trick me into signing over my part of the Locke fortune."
I lay my head back and try not to let the memories of that day drag me under. "I think the final nail was when she told me the child I had thought my own was Mason's, my brother. So yeah, Em, I don't really think I know how to do love, and even if I let myself believe that what we have is strong enough to beat my demons, my black soul, I'm too scared that I'll drag you under in the process and you'll never recover."
I don't give her a second to respond. I climb slowly from the couch and toss my iPad down in the seat. "You can stay with me until you get on your feet again. We'll leave in the morning."
I walk out of the room and spend the rest of the evening in a nice rage-filled self-loathing pity party. When I'm finally able to drift off to sleep, I'm awoken what feels like minutes later covered in sweat, my throat raw from my screams.
I had the nightmare again that I was back in my past. Only this time when I sat in the hospital bed and listened to my mother lay into me, it was Emmy. My sweet Emmy was there, telling me how she will never forgive me for ruining her life.
Chapter 15--Emmy
We've been home for a few weeks now. At first, I wouldn't leave the apartment. Even though I had come to terms with the memories of being home and not seeing one of my best friends, it didn't mean that I was necessarily ready to move on. I missed him. However, it was getting easier to deal with each day.
One of the hardest parts of being back was my strained relationship with Maddox. We've hardly spoken to each other since that last day at the cabin. Chipped responses here and there and notes on the counter telling me that he wouldn't be home filled up the first week. I heard from one of the girls that he had been sleeping at the office while they finished up their dealings with Dominic Murphy. Things haven't been any easier since that.
Right when they let their guard down, Chelcie was put in harm's way again. I don't remember much from my standoff with Sarah Jane. It's almost as if I had been having an out-of-body experience. I can see the events of that day playing out, but I can't tell you how I knew what to do. Izzy told me that she thinks it was Coop who'd made sure they were safe. I hadn't planned on going to see Chelcie that day. I had planned on apartment hunting, but it was almost as if I'd had to give her her gift right that second. The rest was either just damn good luck or maybe Izzy is onto something.
I like to think that maybe it was a little of Coop watching out for us and making sure that his son was okay.
The night after the showdown with Sarah Jane was the worst. When the adrenaline crashed and I realized that I had actually shot another human, things were not pretty. I went from jazzed beyond belief to a sobbing mess curled into a ball in the shower.
Maddox blamed himself for having taught me how to use a gun and then again for having made it readily available. We fought and it ended in another rough crashing together of our bodies. This time, though, I was the one to get up from the floor and leave him with an "I'm sorry." It isn't right. We keep coming together for a reason, but I've started to realize that I might never get to beat through his beliefs. I can't think of a way to make him believe in us. His mind keeps telling him no, to stay away and keep me out. But his heart--God, his beautiful heart--keeps calling out to me, and like a glutton for punishment, I keep going back for more.
I can't even explain where my mind is right now. I'm mad--that's a given--but I've also started to lose my faith. I've lost the way to my happiness and I'm not really sure how to get it back. I'm stuck in a rut, and honestly, I'm thinking it would be better if I just throw in the towel and leave. Not run, but go somewhere else and get my head on right. Somewhere where he isn't. I can't keep fighting for someone who refuses to consider my love for him. It's like beating a horse when he's already down. Every time he rejects me and my heart shatters more, I just know I won't recover from the pain if I stick around.
Tonight, we need to actually be social and not kill each other, so I told him that I am leaving. We fought all day today, and this time, it didn't even end in a rough coupling. This time when I screamed in his face that I hated him, I almost believed it--and I could tell by the look that flashed across his face that he did too. And that terrified me.
It was the first time he didn't demand I 'give him the words.'
So now here we are, on the way to Asher and Chelcie's house for 'family dinner' and my resentment towards everyone around me is getting out of control. Hell, I have no business being out in public with the thoughts I keep thinking. I want to take Maddox by the neck and shake some sense into his thick scull.
I put a brave face on for Chelcie. I smile and keep the act up like my world isn't crashing down around me, but every time my eyes lock with Maddox's, I'm reminded that he is the reason I'm feeling this pain. The fact that he keeps pushing me away is why I've turned into a head case.
Then, as if things couldn't get worse, I have the misfortune of overhearing their conversation and my mood goes from bad to toxic.
Chelcie has just finished telling him how she was dealing with everything after Sarah Jane. I watch her place her arm on his cheek and he doesn't pull away. I should feel bad about eavesdropping, but the fact that he isn't pulling away from her is mind-blowing enough for me.
He's
let her in.
He's let in someone I know he feels nothing romantic for, yet he keeps pushing me away.
"One day, Maddox Locke, when you decide to let go of that pain inside you, you're going to understand what I mean. You have so much love to give in you." Chelcie's words hurt. She's right--I know that because I've seen that love he has the capability of--but it still doesn't make it feel any better knowing that it probably is not meant to be with us.
I can't see his face, but I watch Chelcie's eyes widen in shock. Oh I know what she saw--the truth. She saw his pain clear as day. The pain he keeps away from everyone, choosing to suffer alone and not let anyone close enough to help.
"Yeah, sweetheart. Maybe you're right."
His words are my undoing. He really doesn't want me. Hell, maybe he does believe that he can love someone now--now that he's gotten better about being so untouchable. But... he clearly doesn't feel like I'm worth that risk. I'm standing right here, begging him to let me take on his pain, yet it isn't enough.
With my eyes filling with tears, I watch as he walks right past me. He doesn't even look in my direction. I'm completely invisible.
As the evening progresses, my despair and bitterness grow. I smile with the girls, attempt to put on a brave face for the guys--but Maddox gets nothing. Until I hear Asher announce that he and Chelcie are getting married and he actually has the nerve to look smug. His eyes go from laughing at Chelcie to emotionless when they lock with mine.
I snap... There really isn't a pretty way to explain what I feel in that moment. I'm just...done.
"You're fucking unbelievable," I mumble, careful to keep my voice low enough so that only he hears me.
His brow lifts and he cockily asks, "What was that, Em?"
That son of a bitch. I can feel my skin heat. Not from embarrassment, but from red-hot rage.
I jump from my seat, not even flinching when it falls to the floor with a crowd-stopping boom. I storm over, grabbing his beer for a deep pull while I try and pick my words carefully. If these are the last ones I ever speak to him, I need to make sure they count.
"Look at you. Sitting there silent as always. You're in a room full of people who love each other. People who have fought their demons in order to be together. They had the strength to battle anything that stood in their way. The courage to push away from the uncertainty of the unknown. And what does Maddox Locke do? He sits back and gives everyone else around him advice on how to make that happen! He fights for them, but he refuses to fight for himself. FOR ME! Well guess what, buddy? I'm sick of it. I love you FOR you. I never gave a damn about your past, those secrets you hide so deep. I've been willing to fight for you. Battle those demons that shake your doors at night. And while I'm at it, I might as well go for broke, right?" I laugh a sound that is nothing sort of the frustration I'm feeling. "I never gave a damn about you having one leg. You think you're slick hiding it, but I see you! I didn't love you for whatever limbs you have or don't have. I want you for your heart, and I won't settle for anything less."
I throw him a look that I know he takes seriously because his eyes flash. He doesn't move though. He lets me walk over to Asher and Chelcie. He gives me the time to say goodbye and apologize for ruining the night. He doesn't move when I walk to the door, turning to give him another look. He sits there--and that's it.
Luckily, when we got here, he asked me to hold his keys, so with a wicked grin, I hop in his Charger and take off. I'll stay in a local hotel room for the night--then decide where I go next.
Chapter 16--Emmy
It doesn't take me long to clear my things from his apartment. I decide to leave Cat, mainly because I have no where to bring her and all the things that she needs, but also so that Maddox will see this as me not running.
I'm not. I'm going to get myself settled away from him and work on learning how to get him out of my heart. I can do it...I think.
My phone rings over and over shortly after I leave Asher and Chelcie's, but I ignore it. I know my window of opportunity is short, and if I stall at all, he will be here and throw his demanding alpha vibes up--refusing to let me leave.
Not wanting to take his Charger and further fuel his anger, I make a call to the only person I can think of who can help me out right now.
Sway.
"Well hello, you dark prince you," his voice chimes through the line, leaving me confused--until I realize that I'm on Maddox's landline.
"Hey," I whisper. "I hate to disappoint you, Sway, but I don't think I'm your dark prince."
"Why do you sound like that, Miss Emmy?"
There aren't many times when we get the Sway he keeps hidden. Deep down, I know he loves us more than we could ever know. Hearing the care and worry in his voice is almost my undoing, but I hold strong.
"Do you think you could pick me up? My car is still... My car isn't here and I need to leave."
"Sure thing, darling girl. Let me get things settled and I'll be right there."
"Thank you, Sway. I owe you one."
"Far as I can see were even, my love."
Confused at his words, I ask, "How could we possible call it even, Sway?"
He's silent for a beat. I can hear him moving around, clearly using this time to pick his words. "Everything happens for a reason, Emmy. I know that now. As much as I hated seeing you gone day in and day out, you brought my Davey to me. So, yes...we're even. If anything, I still owe you," he laughs.
I heard about Davey, or David, through the gang. He is my replacement at Corps Security. Apparently, according to Melissa, not too long after he started, he and Sway began a relationship that has only grown since. I'm glad that he's happy--he deserves to be happy.
"I'll be in the lobby waiting, okay?" I question, ready to get off the phone and on my way.
"Toodles! Sway is on the way to save the day," he giggles into the phone before disconnecting.
With a heavy heart, I grab a piece of paper and write Maddox a note.
True to his word, Sway didn't waste any time getting to me. He loaded up my few belongings into his car and we were on our way. He must have come straight from home because he's dressed in simple--even if they are hot pink--sweats and a tee. His wig is absent, giving me one of those rare glimpses at him without his public persona.
"Sway...uh, do you really, like, sweat glitter or something?" I ask when I notice that his floorboards are sprinkled with golden glitter.
I've always thought it was hilarious how obsessed this man is with gold glitter. First, he painted the sidewalk in the complex that his salon and Corps Security are housed completely in it. Then the guys would randomly run into him and his glitter-throwing ways, coming into the office and dusting it off all over the floors. I can't even remember how many times I had to clean that junk up. Regardless of why, it always seems to make everyone smile.
"I probably should by now," he laughs.
Not wanting to be alone with my thoughts, I tell him which hotel to take me to and ask, "So what started all of this craziness?" I laugh.
He's quiet for a moment, so unlike Sway, so I turn my attention back out the window.
"It all started when I was maybe fifteen, sixteen--hell, I don't know. Back then, I was still begging for my parents to stop calling me Dilbert," he laughs. "My parents are both preachers," he says, shocking me. My eyes widen and I jerk my head in his direction. "Oh, that got your attention, didn't it, sweetness? Yeah, I was a black man born in the Deep South, gay as it gets, with two preachers for parents. It probably couldn't have gotten worse for me. They ignored me the best they could but refused to let...well, Sway out. I had to be Dilbert when anyone was around." He pauses and I settle into the silence around me.
"The only time I was really happy was at Sunday school, at school, or drama class. The art supplies--oh, girlfriend. You should have seen how much I could make a simple piece of construction paper shine like a queen! I guess, in a way, between art projects and costumes for drama, the glitter became my lifeline to keeping my happ
iness about me. We all have that thing, you know? That one thing that is calming for us. The one thing that, even when your world feels hollow, can make you feel whole. So, as silly as it is, mine is gold glitter. It's my happy."
I wipe a wayward tear from my cheek and smile softly at him. "You're pretty awesome. You know that?"
He laughs and shakes his head.
"I mean it! Do you know how many times the guys would be in a terrible mood, go out and meet with a client, only to come back and be on the receiving end of your glitter throwing? Every single time, they would come back into the office and seem lighter. It was almost like a mood cleaner. You toss some of that stuff in the air and it's like the people around you are helpless to not feel a little of your happy."
He pulls into the hotel and parks, turning in his seat to look at me. One thick and manicured hand comes up and smooths my hair down. I smile at him and enjoy the lightness of the moment.
Until he speaks.
"And pray tell, my sweet little honey pot, what is your happy?" His hand leaves my head and reaches out to pull one of my cold ones into his hold, enveloping it between his own.
"What?" I ask faintly.
"You heard me. What is it that calms you? Makes your hollow whole again?" His voice is soft, his eyes searching without judgment--even though he knows the answer.
"I don't have one anymore, Sway." That's as honest as I can be. I never had Maddox, as much as I had hoped during our time at the cabin. He's the uncatchable.
"Oh, you sweet child. You have a happy, and as soon as you both let go of the bullshit, you'll have that happy together."
"You talk in riddles, you crazy man," I laugh mirthlessly.
"I talk the truth. I've seen a lot of pain in my life, Emmy-Rose. I know another hurting soul when I see it, and that man is hurting. You don't just forget that instantly. You've fought for him, and while I admire your strength, it's time for you to let him fight to believe in you and that love...that happy."
"Easier said than done."
He smiles, his bright, white teeth almost glowing in the dim interior of his car. "Mark my words, he knows what he can have, and one day soon, you're going to wonder what it's like to breathe without that tall glass of hotness on your toes. I suspect you won't wait much longer either." He leans forward and kisses my forehead.