Farther Than I Meant to Go, Longer Than I Meant to Stay

by Tiffany L. Warren

  I decided I’d make it easier for him. “You know what? Never mind. I don’t know what I was thinking.” I willed the tears to stay in their places. I would not give Marvin the pleasure or guilt of making me cry in front of him.

  “It’s not that I’d mind, really. I just think it might give people the wrong impression,” he explained feebly.

  I turned and walked away—quickly. I sped past First Lady’s office, although she was standing outside her door looking hopeful. I couldn’t blame her. I should’ve known better. Plus I’d forgotten about the new single sister who had joined our church. She looked like a mixture of Vanessa Williams and Angela Bassett. No doubt, Marvin had again set his sights on an unattainable prize. Oh, how I wished that I didn’t care. I did care, and I let the devil and Marvin Baker steal any lingering vestiges of peace.

  CHAPTER Twelve

  Past

  The whole episode with Marvin almost made me cancel the outing that I had planned with Lynette. There was an event going on at the local Christian bookstore, and one of my favorite praise-and-worship singers was going to be there. I decided to go anyway, because I needed something to lift my spirits.

  It was Lynette’s turn to drive. When I heard her honk the horn, I took my time. I was still a little bit angry with her because of our last conversation, even though she’d apologized profusely.

  Finally I emerged from my condo and walked to the car. On the way I noticed that my usually manicured lawn was looking ragged. I’d been too preoccupied with men to call my landscaper.

  I got into the car without a word. Lynette asked, “Are you going to be like this all night?”

  “Like what?”

  “Pouty and angry. I thought you accepted my apology. What more do you want, my firstborn?”

  “Does he do yard work?” I said with a tiny smile gracing my lips.

  “If the price is right,” replied Lynette with a chuckle. She exhaled a release. The joke had eased the tension.

  I didn’t tell Lynette about what had happened with Marvin. Number one, I was too embarrassed that I’d allowed myself to get dismissed by the likes of him. And number two, the last time we’d talked I was crying about Travis. I didn’t want my life to seem like a sob story. Besides, between me and Lynette, I was the strong one. I was the one to solve all the problems.

  We got to the bookstore, and I wasn’t surprised to find it packed with people. There weren’t many activities in our city that saved folks could participate in, so the gatherings at Imani Christian Books were always well attended. Lynette waved to a few of her friends from a sister church. When she went over to talk to them, I tried to fade into the background.

  I got a cup of cocoa from the free-refreshment table and found a nice cozy spot on the wall in the back of the store. There I could brood about my thoughts without anyone asking me what was wrong. I could’ve even cried if I’d wanted, because people would have just assumed I was lost in the spirit realm.

  I closed my eyes and listened to the sweet soprano voice singing CeCe Winans’s “Alabaster Box.” The lyrics of that song always spoke to my heart. It was the story of the woman who lay before Jesus and anointed his feet with oil and washed them with her tears. I could imagine myself being that woman. No one knew her story, or why she had been saving the costly box of oil. Some of the Pharisees scoffed at her for being wasteful, but she didn’t care. No one knew her pain or her struggles but Jesus. I felt like that sometimes.

  My eyes were still closed when I felt someone brush against my arm. I thought nothing of it at first, because it was so crowded, and because I was enjoying the music. But then a very familiar voice gave me an unexpected jolt.

  “Hey, Charmayne.” It was Travis—the last person I wanted to run into.

  “Hi.”

  I didn’t want to start a conversation with him—I had no idea what to say. For some reason I felt like I should be apologizing to him. It felt rude to walk away, so I just stood there, pretending to be engrossed in the singing.

  He tapped my shoulder. When I turned to look at him, he was smiling. “We don’t have to act like we’re strangers, you know.”

  “I know.”

  Travis continued, “So how have you been?”

  “I’ve been good,” I replied.

  “I haven’t. I’ve missed you, Charmayne.”

  I glanced around nervously, trying to spot Lynette in the crowd. I refused to make eye contact with Travis, although I could still feel his eyes as if they were burning a hole right through me. I spotted Lynette, but she was too far away to even notice that I was in need of rescuing.

  I smiled nervously. “It hasn’t been a long time, Travis. I just saw you a few weeks ago.”

  Travis took both of my hands in his. “It’s been like forever. My heart jumped for joy when I saw you here tonight.”

  Why on earth did he have to say things like that? It sounded like something out of a romance novel, but good nonetheless. I could feel every last one of my defenses crumble. Travis was still holding my hands and massaging the center of my palms with his thumbs.

  “I don’t know what to say.” It was hard to gather my thoughts with him gazing into my eyes.

  “Say that you believe what I believe—that this is the Lord bringing us back together.”

  As if on cue, Lynette finally decided to show her face, saving me from responding to Travis and giving me a chance to get my head together. Lynette looked at Travis suspiciously, and then over to me with questions in her eyes. I hoped that she could read the desperation in my face.

  She said, “Brother Travis. It’s good seeing you again.”

  “Same here,” Travis replied, taking his eyes off me for only a second.

  Lynette chuckled. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d think I was interrupting something.”

  I snatched my hands away from Travis. “No, girl. Not at all.”

  The disappointment in Travis’s eyes was apparent, as was the relief in mine. Lynette linked arms with me and started swaying back and forth to the upbeat song that was being performed. She swung me around until my back was to Travis.

  Lynette mouthed the words, You okay?

  I nodded and mouthed back, Thank you.

  I guessed that Travis had given up on getting a response out of me at that moment, and since Lynette and I kept dancing, he moved across the floor to the other side of the room. I felt myself relaxing and loosened my grip on Lynette’s arm.

  I tried not to notice what Travis was doing and who he was talking to, but I couldn’t help but see him talking to a gorgeous young woman who seemed to be smitten with him. Immediately I felt an enormous amount of jealousy. I panicked. Before I could force my mind to entertain rational thoughts I pushed through the crowd until I was close enough to touch Travis.

  I desperately grabbed his arm and said, “Travis. We need to talk.”

  Travis seemed to note the urgency and passion in my request and ended his conversation abruptly. The woman rolled her eyes at me as she strode away, but at that point I didn’t care—as long as she was gone.

  “Charmayne?”

  “Look, I don’t know how I feel, Travis, and I don’t know if I believe what you believe, but . . .”

  Travis’s eyes lit up. “But you’re willing to give us a chance?”

  “I-I don’t know.”

  “Well, tell me something . . .”

  I thought quickly. “Do you want to come to my mother’s birthday party with me? It’s next Saturday.”

  Travis smiled. “Of course. But you know that’s a big step, introducing me to your mother.”

  “It’s just a birthday party.”

  Lynette walked up again, this time too late to stop me from doing any damage.

  “Charmayne,” she said, “Jonathan just text-paged me. He needs me at home.”

  “Oh, okay. I’m ready anyway.”

  “I can take you home if you want,” Travis interjected.

  Lynette said, “I’m a horrible night dri
ver. I need Charmayne. She’s the navigator.”

  Before I could object and remind Lynette that she was only a horrible night driver when she wasn’t wearing her contacts, she was saying her good-byes to Travis and dragging me out of the bookstore. She glared at me all the way to the car. I knew she was angry when she slammed her car door. Lynette usually babied her used BMW like it was one of her own children.

  Lynette started to question me as soon as we closed the car doors. “What was that all about?”

  “What?”

  “First you thank me for rescuing you, then you’re up in his face like a lovesick teenager. I’m trying to back you up, but I don’t even think you know what you want.”

  I sighed. “I don’t know what happened, really. I saw him with that other woman and got insanely jealous.”

  Lynette shook her head in disbelief. “But I thought that you didn’t want him. Do the words The Lord is saying no ring any bells?”

  “I’m so confused, Lynette. What if that wasn’t the voice of the Lord? What if it was just my own insecurities?”

  “Girl, I believe Jesus gave you good sense. Stop trying to be so deep about all of this.”

  I slumped down in my seat, weary from the mental anguish. “I don’t know what to do.”

  “Remember when I was having doubts about Jonathan?” Lynette asked. “You were the one to reassure me.”

  I nodded and remembered Lynette’s wedding day. She was so uncertain, even though she knew that Jonathan was a good man. Maybe I was experiencing the same thing.

  I listened to Lynette tell me all the reasons why I should get with and stay with Travis. I didn’t need to be reminded of my limited options for male companionship and my obvious handicaps in that area.

  I decided to be totally honest. “What if I told you that Travis wasn’t a corporate executive, but was the maintenance man in my office?”

  Lynette was stunned. After a noticeable silence she said pointedly, “I’m surprised you even gave him the time of day.”

  “Well, I did. So do you still think I should pursue him? Especially with his felony convictions?”

  “Girl . . . I don’t know. You need to pray on that.”

  I laughed at the irony of her words. I had been praying fervently and still had no idea which path to take. I couldn’t depend on Lynette, Ebony, or First Lady to make this decision for me. I had only the voice of the Lord to rely upon, and I wasn’t sure if I was hearing Him.

  Honestly, when I saw Travis and that beautiful woman, I wasn’t thinking about felonies, job descriptions, or even the voice of God. I was thinking that someone was trying to steal my man. I wanted Travis in my life regardless of the risks.

  I asked, “If Jonathan had told you that he had a felony record and was making a modest blue-collar income, would you still have married him?”

  “Of course not,” Lynette responded without hesitation. “But I am not you.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “You are paid, girl. I needed a man to come in and take care of me. You don’t. You know full well you can afford to take care of that man.”

  “I’m not trying to take care of a man.”

  “Right. You’re just trying to be an old maid.”

  I repeated. “I am not trying to take care of a grown man.”

  “So you compromise a little bit. That’s what relationships are about anyway.”

  If I had any sense of inner tranquility about my decision to break up with Travis, it had been replaced by turmoil. I didn’t even want to pray about it anymore. How could I have peace when I was going out of my mind with loneliness? What I wanted was a perfect life. I wanted a family and I wanted a man. I wanted Travis.

  Why was I torturing myself anyway? I deserved to be happy. I deserved to have my dreams come true! I had a fine, saved brother who was obviously enamored of me and I was about to lose him just because of a few little flaws.

  I was reminded of the fruit pies that my grandmother used to make when I was a little girl. Grandma would send me and Dayna to pick peaches from the trees in her backyard. We were so little that most of the time we just picked up the best-looking windfall from the ground around the trees. They were bruised and banged up, but we were proud of our harvest.

  Grandma never said anything negative about our mutilated peaches. She took them from us, ever so carefully, and rinsed them gingerly in her big aluminum tub. As she peeled them she talked about how good the pie was going to be when she was done. She’d have me practically drooling thinking about the sweet, juicy pie that we were going to eat after dinner. And it never failed. Every single last time, Grandma turned those wrecked, beaten-up peaches into the best pie I’d ever eaten in my life.

  CHAPTER Thirteen

  Past

  For the first time Ebony decided to voice her opinion on my problems with Travis. We were sitting in First Lady’s office putting the final preparations on the women’s conference. When I’d told her that we were back together, her face had immediately darkened into a frown.

  “Why are you ignoring the voice of the Lord?” she asked slowly, deliberately enunciating each word to convey the desired emphasis. “You know that God is leading you away from this man.”

  “At this point, I don’t know what I know, other than the fact that I’m tired of being alone.”

  “Do you think that God doesn’t know that?” Ebony continued. “Don’t you know that He will supply your need?”

  I furrowed my eyebrows until they almost connected. “Don’t you ever feel lonely, Ebony? I thought you’d understand.”

  “I have dedicated my life to God, and I will remain single as long as He requires it. I do know that celibacy is a gift of the Holy Spirit. The Apostle Paul tells us in First Corinthians seven, verses seven through nine, that not everyone can walk this path.”

  “I don’t want to be celibate. I want a husband,” I whined.

  “Even to the detriment of your own spirituality?” Ebony asked rhetorically as she stood to leave.

  I was afraid to answer that question, even in my own mind.

  It was the day of Mama’s birthday party and I was apprehensive, though not about Travis. Over the course of the week we’d reconnected—over the phone. There was something youthful and elementary about staying up all night talking about nothing in particular, but not wanting to hang up. I found out things about Travis that pleasantly shocked me, like the fact that he read Tolstoy and enjoyed spa pedicures. Actually, aside from his felony record, Travis was beginning to look like the perfect man for me.

  What worried me was Dayna and, of course, Mama. It was almost inevitable that at the birthday party, one or both of them would do something to humiliate me. My life had been their ongoing, secret inside joke for so long that I didn’t think they could handle me in a situation not ripe for ridicule.

  It calmed me a little bit to know that Lynette and Ebony were going to be there, too, even if neither one of them really agreed with me and Travis getting back together. Lynette would have my back regardless, and Ebony would be praying for me.

  Travis had insisted on picking me up for the evening, even though the only transportation he had was his work van. I agreed only because I knew it was a pride thing. Besides, I’d rather be riding up to Mama’s party in a clean, albeit a little rusty, van—with a man—than in my shiny Infiniti riding solo.

  I couldn’t help but beam when I watched Travis step out of his van from my window. He looked like he’d just stepped off a Parisian catwalk—and he was with me. I noticed two women who were waiting on the bus; they were staring at Travis. Ha! I thought, he’s mine! Well, he was mine for the evening, at least. We hadn’t discussed taking it any farther than that.

  I was still all smiles when I opened my door. It was the first time Travis had been to my home, and he was obviously impressed. The majority of my home was decorated with an Asian theme. I’d spent thousands of dollars on furniture, because I felt that if I was going to be a homeowner, then I shoul
d go all-out. The living room was filled with blue-and-white ceramic pieces that gave it a delicate and feminine feel. The family room was also filled with Asian pieces—wooden carvings, bamboo baskets, and a burgundy-lacquer-and-glass coffee table. I watched Travis’s eyes take it all in and I was glad that I’d had my cleaning lady come an extra day that week.

  I had also taken a great deal of care in getting myself ready. My hair was freshly styled in an elegant updo that slimmed my facial features. I’d chosen a pretty and feminine black cocktail dress. The A-line bottom flattered my figure and hid any bulges left visible by my girdle. I’d topped the outfit off with a silver wrap and shoes. When I’d looked in the mirror at my reflection, I was more than pleased.

  After scanning my home, Travis’s eyes rested on me. “You look good, baby. Are you ready?”

  I nodded, because I was too excited to say anything. His eyes told me that he found me beautiful and desirable. And then he called me baby and almost made me lose my mind. No man had ever, in my life, used a pet name for me. At work I was Ms. Ellis. To my church family I was Charmayne or Sister Ellis. Even my daddy, who’d loved me more than anyone, had called me by my full name—Charmayne Jean.

  When we got in the car, I was finally able to speak. “You look good, too.”

  Travis laughed, probably at my delayed response. “Thank you.”

  Dayna and I had compromised on a much more scaled-down version of her original party plans. I agreed to go semi-formal and have it catered, but we rented out the local community center and had a sister from my church do all the cooking.

  I was glad I’d let Dayna splurge just a little on the decorations, because she had transformed the plain gymnasium into an elegant ballroom. Mama was sitting at the head table looking nowhere near her sixty years. No one could look at her and tell the way her health had been failing. Her salt-and-pepper-colored hair was swept into an alluring updo. She’d even let Dayna give her curls that cascaded down the side of her face.

  It was obviously Dayna’s plan that she and Mama look like twins for the party. They were both wearing silver gowns, and Dayna had twisted her hair into a similar style as Mama’s. Dayna’s little girls, Erin and Koree, were also wearing silver, and she’d forced Ronald Jr. to put on a miniature tuxedo with a silver cummerbund. Only Dayna’s husband seemed to rebel. He was wearing a brown suit, with not even a hint of a silver accessory.