Farther Than I Meant to Go, Longer Than I Meant to Stay

by Tiffany L. Warren

  “Not yet, but the process has begun.”

  Celeste sat on the edge of her seat, intrigued. “So it’s fresh! That’s why you’re not sleeping well. Did he cheat on you?”

  “Celeste!”

  “Did the man cheat on you?” she asked again, ignoring my unspoken request for privacy.

  “In a manner of speaking. Now enough about me. We need to talk about finding you some gainful employment.”

  “Are you serious?”

  “Yes.”

  Celeste gestured to her emaciated body and disheveled hair. “Will you look at me? Who is going to hire me? I look like a zombie from Night of the Living Dead or something.”

  “You don’t have to. I could help you with that.”

  It was Celeste’s turn to laugh. “There is very little you can do for me. Besides, I’d rather talk about you. Why didn’t you forgive your husband? Most of you church ladies forgive your husbands.”

  “I didn’t forgive him because he’s a liar,” I responded immediately.

  “Aren’t they all?”

  “I hope not.”

  “Well, I’m sorry. I don’t share your optimism.”

  I bit the tip of my finger, reflecting again on how thoroughly Travis had ravaged my life. “My husband took a lot from me. He took everything, actually.”

  Celeste nodded, and her facial expression became an ugly grimace. “Your husband is a taker. My baby’s daddy is a giver.”

  “For some reason, I don’t think you mean that in a good way.”

  Celeste sat back in her chair. “You’re lucky.”

  “What? Lucky? I don’t think so.”

  “You’re luckier than me. You’ll live.”

  “What do you mean?” I asked, not knowing for sure if I wanted to hear the answer.

  “My boyfriend gave me HIV. How’s that for a parting gift?”

  I was at a loss for words. No one had prepared me to counsel AIDS victims. I was just supposed to be helping people find jobs. My story sounded trivial compared with hers.

  I asked Celeste seriously, “Even though you’re sick, do you still want a job?”

  “I don’t think anyone will hire me, but of course I want a job. I want to leave my boys a will instead of a bill.”

  “There may be something I can do.”

  Celeste raised a skeptical eyebrow in my direction. “I’ve heard that before.”

  “But you haven’t heard it from me. Give me a week or so, and I’ll get back to you on this.”

  I smiled to myself. It was good to have some favors that I could call in, even if I couldn’t use them myself when I needed a job. Celeste, still looking unsure, left my office possibly with hopes of a not-so-bleak future for her sons.

  Celeste’s story had given me some perspective. Travis had not destroyed me—not completely. He had taken a lot from me, but the most vital parts of me were still intact. Listening to Celeste had done more than cause me to remember an old business contact. She had inspired me to go and get my life back.

  CHAPTER Twenty-one

  Past

  The first weekend after our honeymoon, I sat on the bed watching Travis pack for his four-day workweek, and I realized that I didn’t want him to go. It was silly of me, because I knew probably better than he did what type of time-consuming effort was going to go into making his business a success. And I did want him to be a success—more than anything. I wanted to know that I had married more than a pretty face.

  Travis gingerly placed his much worn black suit in a garment bag. I frowned when I noticed frayed edges on the pant hem and a rip in the lining of the jacket. Who was going to take him seriously if he was dressed that way?

  “Travis, what time do you have to leave today?” I asked.

  “Well, I want to get on the road as soon as possible. Why?”

  “I think we need to go shopping. I’m sick of seeing you in that black suit. You can buy some suits and have them tailored when you get to Detroit.”

  His face lit up. “I was wondering when you were going to share the wealth.”

  I smiled, but I didn’t know what he meant by that statement. Hadn’t I been sharing the wealth already? Weren’t we living in my home, and wasn’t he driving my car? I knew that eventually I had to start thinking of things as “ours,” but that was going to take some time.

  Since I had absolutely no idea where to shop for a man’s clothing, I let Travis lead the way. We went to a downtown men’s boutique that specialized in top-of-the-line designer apparel. The owner of the shop was already acquainted with Travis; he gave him a big bear hug when we walked in the door.

  “T! It’s been ages. Where have you been hiding?”

  Travis laughed. “I’ve been off falling in love, man. This is my lovely wife, Charmayne.”

  “It’s nice to meet you.” I beamed at Travis’s compliment.

  Travis continued, “Charmayne, this is Mr. Shane. He dresses the successful men in this city. I’ve been window-shopping here for years.”

  Mr. Shane took Travis to the back of the store to show him some new arrivals while I browsed around on my own. My eyes widened and my jaw dropped when I saw the price tags on the suits. Even the cheap-looking ones were priced eight hundred dollars and up.

  Travis came out of the fitting room wearing a four-button gray single-breasted suit. There were very faint pinstripes that were only visible up close. Mr. Shane had accessorized the suit with a black dress shirt and a black, gray, and red tie. Travis posed in front of the mirror, and I had to admit that he looked like a model.

  Travis exclaimed, “This is perfect! A couple more hookups like this and I think I’ll be set. I’m going to need some shoes, too.”

  “Gators?” asked Mr. Shane.

  “What else?” replied Travis as if the question were ludicrous.

  By the time Travis was finished shopping, he’d racked up a bill of over five thousand dollars. I reluctantly pulled out one of my gold cards to pay for the purchases. I hadn’t spent five thousand dollars on clothes in ten years.

  Mr. Shane congratulated Travis as I handed him the credit card. “I see you done came up this time, man.”

  Travis grinned sheepishly. Somehow I felt like there was an inside joke that was being told at my expense. I looked at my husband for an explanation, and he put his hand around my waist and pulled me close to him.

  “He’s just jealous that he doesn’t have a successful black woman at his side,” Travis explained.

  On the way home, Travis was in a great mood—humming along with the radio and clapping his hands. I, on the other hand, felt uneasy. I had the irrational feeling that I was getting him all dressed up for another woman. I didn’t know how or when the feeling had emerged, but it was real nonetheless.

  “So,” I asked when Travis stopped at a red light, “what will you do in Detroit when you’re not working?”

  Travis laughed. “I’ll be working the whole time, but if I have a free moment, I’ll try to catch up with my boy Les. Anna will probably cook a nice dinner for me. You don’t have any problems with that, do you?”

  “With Anna cooking you a meal? No. Of course not.”

  Travis teased, “What? You don’t mind another woman feeding your man?”

  I replied lightly, “Honey, you’re a grown man. I hope that you can feed yourself. I ain’t your mama.”

  A grinning Travis answered, “You my sugar mama.”

  I felt my face turn into a scowl. What in the world had he meant by sugar mama? Women got with sugar daddies just to make sure that their bills were paid. It had nothing to do with love or even lust—merely commas in a bank account. For Travis to say that after I’d spent five thousand dollars on him was tasteless and hurtful. Did he feel that way about me? Was I his sugar mama?

  Travis noticed my turn of moods and said quickly, “You know I’m only playing, right?”

  I nodded but didn’t say anything else. I turned to look out of my window, still stunned by his choice of words.
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br />   When we got home, Travis packed his purchases into the back of his work van along with his other luggage. I watched him in silence, feeling insecure. I walked back into the house, and he followed me in to say his good-byes for the long weekend.

  He pulled me into an embrace. “I’m going to miss you, sweetheart. Promise to call me every day.”

  “Of course I will.” I smiled up at him, feeling helpless to make any further objections.

  He picked up his briefcase and my laptop and headed for the door. He had asked to use my computer on the road, and I didn’t see any problem with it, even though it was owned by the bank. He was only going to use it to check his e-mail, and it was just sitting on my desk gathering dust.

  As if something had just jogged his memory, Travis said, “By the way, when I get back home, we have some very important things to discuss.”

  “Like what?”

  “Like how we need to set up our finances.”

  “What’s wrong with the setup that we have now?”

  “There wouldn’t be anything wrong with it if we were roommates. We’re one flesh, but our money is separate.”

  I didn’t like where Travis was taking the conversation. I had worked hard for every penny I’d earned, and I wasn’t in a big hurry to put his name on everything, especially not after he’d just called me a sugar mama. Besides, he seemed way too eager for me to do so. I knew that as a Christian woman, I should submit to my husband and let him take the lead, but I could see that it was going to be a gradual process.

  I kissed him on the cheek. “Well, let’s talk about it when you get back home.”

  “I’m serious, Charmayne. I don’t like feeling like you’re keeping secrets from me. I didn’t know that you had a gold American Express card.”

  I laughed. “Do you want to see my portfolio or something?”

  “Yes,” Travis replied. His face did not reveal one hint of humor.

  “All right, Travis. When you get home, we’ll meet with my financial planner.”

  This seemed to appease him. “It’s not that I’m trying to take anything from you. I know you’re successful. It’s just that you know everything I have.”

  I thought, Of course I know everything you have! You ain’t got nothing! But I didn’t vocalize my thoughts; just nodded and hugged him again as he walked out the door. We would meet with my financial planner when he got home, but only after I’d talked to her first. I was going to protect some of my assets, and make sure that they stayed mine. Travis was my husband, but my mama didn’t raise no fool.

  CHAPTER Twenty-two

  Past

  While Travis was away on his first business trip of many, I got into the Christmas spirit. Since I had spent the entire month of November planning my wedding, I hadn’t gotten a chance to do any shopping for anyone, including my new husband. Lynette was the queen of last-minute shopping, so we got together for a mall-dashing spree.

  Lynette picked through a pile of discounted sweaters, frowning at the limited selection. She asked, “What did you get your mama?”

  “Oh, she was easy. She’s been hinting all year that she wants to go on a vacation. She told me last month that she wants to get on an airplane before she dies.”

  Lynette laughed. “So where are you sending her?”

  “To an all-inclusive resort in Cancún with one of her bingo buddies.”

  “You’re such a good daughter. I bet Dayna is going to be jealous.”

  “You’re probably right, but Dayna always finds something to get in a huff about. I can’t worry about her.”

  Lynette held up a cream-colored sweater with a huge tiger in the middle of it. It seemed a bit too much for Jonathan. I shook my head in disapproval, and Lynette threw the sweater back down.

  “This is too hard! I have no idea what to buy him.”

  I nodded. “I know what you mean. I’m getting Travis some cuff links.”

  “That’s a good idea, but I want to get Jonathan some clothes. He needs a new wardrobe.”

  “Have you ever been to Mr. Shane’s downtown?”

  Lynette laughed. “Are you serious? Girl, his prices are outrageous.” She raised an eyebrow and asked, “Is that where Travis shops?”

  “He got a few items from there before he went on the road.”

  Lynette sucked her teeth and said, “Umph.”

  “What?”

  “I bet he couldn’t afford that store before he hooked up with you.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Don’t start.”

  Lynette decided to keep the rest of her thoughts to herself, until we got to the jewelry store to pick up Travis’s cuff links. Each was in the shape of a cross, diamond-encrusted. They were expensive—a little under two thousand dollars—but Christmas came only once a year, and they would look good with his new suits. I also hoped that by my generosity, I would convince Travis that I want to share everything with him—including my money.

  Buying the gifts also helped me to convince myself that I wanted to share with Travis. I was trying to get in the habit of viewing the money as ours. I knew Travis would have had no problem purchasing the cuff links for himself, so I shouldn’t have, either.

  Lynette commented, “Dang, girl! You already got the man. You ain’t got to buy him now.”

  “Giving my husband a gift is not buying him. This little purchase is not hurting me, and you know it.”

  “Yeah, I know. But what is he getting you for the holiday? He could only afford to get you something like this if you gave him the money.”

  I replied without much enthusiasm, “Everything I have is his.”

  Lynette burst into laughter. “Girl, you need to practice that line a little bit more. You are not believable at all.”

  I took the little box with the cuff links from the salesperson and we walked out of the store. Lynette was still laughing, and I was getting a little bit irritated.

  “What is so funny?”

  Lynette mimicked me. “Everything I have is his. Come on! Everything?”

  “Why don’t you think I mean it?”

  “Because that isn’t like you! That man probably has no idea how much money you really have.”

  I stepped into the passenger’s side of Lynette’s car. “Okay, you’re right. He doesn’t. He asked me about it before he left, but I stalled him.”

  “You’re going to have to tell him eventually.”

  “Why? Why can’t he just know that I have his back financially, and that he doesn’t have to worry about anything? Why does he have to know exactly what I have?”

  “That’s a man. He’s not going to want you to have any secrets. Why don’t you want to tell him?”

  How could I explain my reservations when I didn’t even understand them? It wasn’t something tangible; it was just an ominous feeling. Usually when I felt that way, I realized that God was trying to warn me about something. I didn’t want to admit I was feeling that way about the man I’d so hastily married.

  I responded, “I don’t know. But I guess I will when he comes home.”

  “All right then, moneybags. Let’s go over to Marshall’s, though. Some of us ain’t got it like you. We still have to shop bargain basement.”

  I laughed. “Marshall’s it is! I can get Dayna’s present there.”

  Travis called me on Christmas Eve, when he was supposed to be on his way home. I was baking pies for the party at my mother’s apartment on Christmas Day. It was a tradition that we all crammed into Mama’s little family room and gorged ourselves on rich, fattening foods while we exchanged gifts. I was looking forward to finally having a husband to bring.

  “What do you mean you can’t make it home?” I asked furiously. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

  “The furnace in the retirement home decided to conk out today. I ordered a part, but because of the holiday, I can’t get it in until the day after Christmas. I’ve literally got the furnace held together with a hanger and some duct tape.”

  “But it sounds
like there’s nothing you can do until you get that part. You might as well come home for the holiday and then drive back. It’s only a three-hour drive.”

  Travis explained, “But what if the furnace quits and they can’t get it going again? The pipes will freeze, and these elderly people will be without heat.”

  I was glad he couldn’t see the big tears falling down my cheeks. “But this is our first Christmas. I wanted it to be special.”

  “We’ll celebrate when I get home.”

  “Okay. But what about your mother’s gift? Should I take that to her on Christmas, along with a plate of food?”

  “My mother? You got her something?” Strangely enough, he sounded alarmed.

  “Yes, I bought her a warm robe and some new slippers. I noticed that she was shivering when we went to visit her.”

  “That was sweet of you, but don’t go up to the rest home without me. It would probably just upset her, especially on the holiday.”

  Travis’s lack of concern for his mother was beginning to bother me. He claimed that he visited her three times a week, but I hadn’t heard about him going to the nursing home since he’d taken me two weeks before our wedding. He hadn’t even brought his mother to the ceremony. He’d claimed that when he and Les tried to pick her up, she’d refused to leave her room. If it had been me, I would’ve sedated my mama to get her to my wedding.

  “Well, okay. I guess I’ll see you when you get home.”

  Travis blew a kiss through the phone. “Love you.”

  I was still livid about Travis’s absence on Christmas morning when I packed my two sweet potato pies into the car and headed for my mother’s house. The only thing that lifted my spirits a little was the thought of the look on Dayna’s face when she saw the gift I’d bought Mama.

  When I walked into Mama’s apartment, Dayna and her family were already there. The children were drooling and hovering over the stack of presents, but they rushed over to me when I walked in the door. They covered me with the I-know-Auntie-bought-me-a-gift hugs and kisses that I received from them each Christmas.

  There was a huge box sitting in the middle of Mama’s already cramped living room floor. From the looks of the immaculate wrapping, it was probably Dayna’s gift to Mama. I figured it was that big-screen television that they couldn’t afford to purchase the year before. I walked over to Mama and kissed her lightly on the cheek.