Farther Than I Meant to Go, Longer Than I Meant to Stay

by Tiffany L. Warren

  I nodded and leaned back again, closing my eyes. Travis had caused me to be extra cautious when evaluating men. I was constantly on the lookout for any hucksters or con artists.

  Lynette continued, “Maybe he was just trying to impress you.”

  “A brotha can impress me by being real.”

  “Don’t be getting all jaded on me now. Every man is not Travis.”

  I knew that sincere, honest men were still present in the world, but I felt they were as scarce as a blooming flower in winter. I even thought that there was still hope for me, and that I might find love one day.

  I replied, “I know, but I am not about to repeat my mistakes. The Lord only has to show me once.”

  “If you ask me, you’re taking all the fun out of love.”

  I shook my head and marveled at Lynette’s naïveté. She had been fortunate to find a good man who loved her and the Lord. But who could blame me if I treated love like serious business and not fun and games?

  I answered, “I think you should leave my love life up to me and Jesus.”

  CHAPTER Thirty-three

  Present

  “Are you ever going to talk to me again?”

  I blinked rapidly and tried to stop myself from trembling. Headed out for work, I’d stepped into my driveway—and a shadowy figure came from behind the bushes. It took me a few moments to focus and realize that the figure was Travis and that he was talking to me. This man was not the charmer who had conned his way into my heart. He hadn’t shaved in a few days, and he needed a haircut. There was nothing debonair about his faded jeans and worn-out T-shirt.

  He asked another question. “Do you miss me, Charmayne?”

  I responded with a question of my own. “Why are you here, Travis?”

  “I wanted to know if it was really over between us. I’ve broken things off with Les. I was hoping you’d give me another chance.”

  After the initial shock of seeing Travis standing before me, I became strangely serene. I stood tall and lifted my chin in defiance to his presence. There was nothing he could say or do to affect me. At one time I’d had many questions for him that I felt required an answer. But seeing him in the flesh was enough to sate my curiosity. He was the one who looked helpless and insecure, as if he was anticipating some heinous act of vengeance from me.

  “I want nothing to do with you, Travis.”

  Travis smiled. “You can’t say that you don’t want me. I know you too well.”

  Annoyed, I responded, “You don’t know me at all. I really need to be going. Is there anything else I can do for you?”

  Ignoring my tone, he said, “You look good, Charmayne.”

  My former self—that low-self-esteem, desperate-for-love former self—would have shuddered in awe at the compliment. The new me was not impressed by Travis or his smooth-talking tongue. I placed a hand on my slimmed and toned hip and clicked my two-hundred-dollar shoes on the pavement.

  “You don’t,” I replied bluntly. Indeed, Travis looked like he’d been through some trials and tribulations.

  He gasped and placed his hand over his chest in a clutch-the-pearls motion. I didn’t know if he was truly shocked or still trying to play mind games with me. I almost laughed out loud when I realized that I didn’t even care.

  I moved toward my car. I hoped that Travis would take the hint and move on—out of my driveway and out of my life. He just stood there, slumped over, looking at me with a slight grin on his face. I couldn’t believe I’d ever allowed him to gain so much power over me. But that was truly a thing of the past.

  He took a step toward me, and I took a defensive stance. I didn’t know what he was there to do, but he would not be harming me without a fight.

  Travis laughed. “Girl, you ain’t got to be all like that! I’m not here to hurt you.”

  “Then what are you here for?” I asked.

  “I wanted to make sure you were okay. I’d heard that you’d lost it for a while. I never meant for that to happen. I thought you were stronger than that.”

  I felt heat begin to churn in my stomach. I reached for the door handle and got in my car. I needed to get Travis out of my sight before he said something that he would regret.

  “I’m stronger than you’ll ever know,” I said through clenched teeth and a window that was only opened a crack.

  I pulled out of my driveway so quickly that the tires squealed. I left Travis standing there looking after me. A peek in the rearview mirror told me that he hadn’t finished; there was more he’d wanted to say.

  One thing that he hadn’t said was I’m sorry. In a perfect world he would’ve been on his knees begging my forgiveness, and graciously I would’ve given it to him. But there was nothing perfect about my world.

  A part of me wanted to do a U-turn, go back home, and demand an apology. Truthfully, though, I didn’t know what to do with an apology from Travis. A hollow I’m sorry from the man who had destroyed my world would not compensate. It would surely be too little, too late.

  As I drove farther from my house, I felt the tension leave my body. I was surprised to feel the wetness on my face. I didn’t know that I’d had any tears left to shed for Travis. I remembered Rizpah’s tears and wondered if my own tears had anything to do with the man.

  CHAPTER Thirty-four

  Present

  It had taken me awhile, after my ordeal with Travis, to get back to worshipping in the house of God. I was self-conscious, thinking that everyone knew my story and that they were sitting in judgment of me. It was nearly impossible for me to focus on Jesus when I was busy making sure no one was focusing on me.

  When I finally got past my pride issues, my worship was elevated to another level. I was walking in the doors with praise on my lips; I was bringing the worship in with me from home. There were still folks who looked at me sideways, but I refused to let them hinder my praise.

  On this one Sunday morning I was especially high in the Spirit. I was expecting an awesome move of God, although I had no idea what it might be. The air seemed almost electrified with the presence of the Lord. I waved my arms, welcoming and ushering in His Spirit.

  The choir began to sing “When the Saints Go to Worship,” and I could feel the atmosphere intensify even further. I watched people start to go and lie before the altar before anyone started to lead a prayer or preach a word. A thin figure stumbled down to the altar wearing blue jeans and a hooded sweatshirt. I couldn’t tell if the person was male or female, but obviously he or she needed prayer.

  The altar call lasted over an hour, with people getting up at their leisure. Some were led back to their seats, and others downstairs to prepare for baptism. I heard the person in the hooded sweatshirt accept Christ as savior through loud, wounded sobs.

  Pastor Jenkins situated himself behind the pulpit and began to speak. “I feel the Lord in this place today. Hallelujah! I don’t even need to preach the word this morning. The word has already gone forth!”

  Four people came up from downstairs dressed for the baptism pool. One of them looked familiar from a distance, but I was unsure. I’d have to get a closer look after service was over.

  The baptisms were done one after another, with loud applause after each one. Our congregation was always excited when somebody went down in the water. A newly baptized person could expect plenty of hugs and congratulations after the service ended.

  It was when they lined the new members up in front of the church that I finally recognized the hooded figure. It was Letha from the hospital! Her short hair was wet from the baptism pool and slicked back. Her hands were stuffed in her pockets. She looked unsure but joyful nonetheless.

  I was the first person to greet her after service concluded. She hugged me tightly—as if her life depended on it. “I’m so glad you here! I thought this was the church name you gave me, but I wasn’t sure.”

  “I’m glad that you’re here. How are you doing?”

  Letha looked down at her feet. “I ain’t doing too good. I’m trying
to get clean, but it’s hard. The closest thing I’ve ever felt to peace was when you prayed for me that day. I want to feel that all the time.”

  I felt tears spring to my eyes. “God is going to do it, girl. He is so happy that you finally decided to come to Him. He’s going to heal you, in the name of Jesus!”

  “What about you? The Lord was with you but you were breaking glass?” asked Letha.

  “Honey, you’re right. The Lord was with me, but I was disobedient to His voice and to His word. That path took me farther than He ever meant me to go. But the Lord is faithful. He healed me of my pain and broken heart. He can do that for you, too.”

  “I believe it.”

  The prayer and deliverance team came to pray for Letha before she left the sanctuary. After they were done, I offered to drive her to the closest rehabilitation center in the area. After a moment of hesitation, she accepted my offer, and decided to do what she knew was necessary.

  All the way to the center, I listened to Letha tell me her life story. The girl had been abused in more ways than anyone I’d ever heard—and by people she loved and trusted. She had been using the drugs as a way to forget. As long as she was high, she didn’t feel any pain or inner turmoil.

  I began to marvel about how good God is. Only He could take and use me for His purpose, even at my lowest point. At my most broken, He had used me to plant a seed in the heart and mind of a lost soul.

  It was at that moment of revelation that I truly forgave myself. I forgave myself the impatience and lonely desperation. I forgave myself the foolish and impetuous choices. And lastly, I forgave myself for not waiting on God to send me the man he would have me marry.

  Although I forgave myself—I would never forget. Remembering that pain was only going to make me stronger. Sharing my heartbreak with another lonely sister might ease her own suffering.

  When I pulled up in front of the rehabilitation center, Letha looked at me and started crying. “I’m afraid. What if I can’t do it?”

  “You can’t do it alone. But Jesus is with you.” I opened up my Bible to Hebrews 13:5-6 and read the verses aloud.

  For he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.

  So that we may boldly say, The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do unto me.

  Letha nodded as I continued, “He will never leave you or forsake you. Do you believe that?”

  “I believe it because you said it.”

  I pointed toward heaven and back to the Bible. “Believe it because He said it.”

  READING GUIDE

  1. Charmayne is inclined to deny the relevance of her spiritual health to her psycho-emotional condition. In your experience, what is the connection between our spirit self (1 Corinthians 2:6-16) and our physical or mental health?

  2.Does Charmayne strike you as being selective or picky, possessing high standards or being impossible to please? Why? How do you make decisions about an eligible dating or marriage partner?

  3.How does meeting Charmayne’s mother shed light on Charmayne’s character, personality, and hang-ups about her body image—among other things? How do the voices of your childhood echo in your present sense of self? How does your faith help you respond to the negative messages?

  4.Reread 2 Samuel 21 in a modern Bible translation. What do you think of Rizpah? In what ways can you identify with her? What do you think it was about her that drew a response from King David?

  5.In your assessment, what’s to like about Travis? What’s to be concerned about? How you discern whether the voice in your head is God—or your own insecurities?

  6.How would you react to an announcement like Travis’s (that Charmayne was to be his wife)? What faith would you put in a man’s conviction that God had “given” you to him? What would hold you back—fear, lack of faith, low self-esteem . . . or common sense and the Holy Spirit?

  7.What is your usual means for discerning God’s will in your life? Does your method of discernment differ for decisions that are more important—such as career, marriage, children, relocation, and the like? Why or why not?

  8.Read Genesis 29 for yourself. With whom do you more readily identify—Leah or Rachel? Why?

  9.What qualities do you prioritize in a man? Which characteristics disqualify a brother from your consideration? What role does scripture or prayer have in your selection process?

  10.How is Charmayne’s recollection of her grandmother’s bruised-peach pie comparable to a parable of Jesus? What spiritual or practical insight do you glean from the story?

  11.“Just give me something to hold on to,” Charmayne tells Travis. What do you hold on to in your life—especially in your relationships? How does your hold on God affect your grasp on other people or things? (See Matthew 6:33; Philippians 2:4-8, and 3:9-14.)

  12.As Christians, what responsibility do you think we have to take a chance on someone with a past—be it financially, relationally, or otherwise? If God is a God of second chances, if we are called to forgive and restore, how do we balance that calling with guarding against wolves in sheep’s clothing? (See Psalm 86:5; Luke 6:37, and 17:3-4; 2 Corinthians 2:5-11.)

  13.What’s your philosophy on a long engagement, and why? What are the pros and cons? (See Proverbs 14:29b; 1 Corinthians 7:9.)

  14.What is the value of premarital counseling? (See Proverbs 11:14, 12:15, 15:22, and 19:20.)

  15.Scripture makes clear that God may speak through dreams (see Genesis 37; 1 Kings 3; Daniel 2; Joel 2:28). Have you ever perceived God speaking to you in such a way? How can you responsibly interpret a dream with spiritual meaning? (Again, look to Proverbs 11:14, 15:22, and 24:6.)

  16.What experience have you had in the reciprocal benefits of ministry—gaining as much as you give, learning as much as you teach? (Consider Luke 6:38; 2 Corinthians 9:6.)

  17.Did the pastor’s revelation about finances being the prime cause of divorce surprise you? Why or why not? How do (or will) you handle money in your marriage? Do you feel strongly about finding a sugar daddy—or being a sugar mama? Do you think the Bible dictates roles or responsibilities in family finances? If so, what scriptures guide you, and why?

  18.“His biggest gift to me had been marrying me.” What is your reaction to Charmayne’s thought about Travis? Do you identify with that feeling? Why or why not? In what sense is such a perspective healthy—or unhealthy?

  19.Consider the biblical story of the Israelites’ forty-year wandering in the wilderness. When have you taken an unnecessary detour in your life—walking farther than God intended you to go? How did the Lord bring you back around—and what good did He redeem from it (Romans 8:28)?

  20.Consider how Charmayne reacted to the shocking truth about Travis, their marriage, and her job situation. What do you do when the world seems to crumble around you? Where do you turn—and to whom? (Psalm 121 offers a good starting place!)

  21.“For some reason I was relieved by the fact that she was a black woman.” Why do we feel safer talking to someone who (even on the surface) seems most like us?

  22.Tell someone in your group about yourself—not just the situational statistics (age, race, marital status, occupation, family) but the real you. Consider it a glimpse of the future promised in 1 Corinthians 13:12!

  23.Reread Matthew 5:43-45 and consider it in the context of a personal struggle with forgiving an enemy. What would it look like for you to put that verse into action? What keeps you from doing so?

  24.Throughout this novel, Charmayne’s self of sense is tied inextricably with issues of her weight. (Even in her healing process, she perceives that Jesus boosts her self-confidence by helping her lose weight.) Why do you think women are so hung up on appearances, biblical exhortations notwithstanding? Read again scriptures such as Proverbs 31 (which says nothing about physical appearance), 1 Samuel 16:7, and 1 Timothy 2:9-10 as affirmations.

  OTHER TRADE PAPERBACK FICTION

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