The Dating Game

by Natalie Standiford

  After eight weeks we will analyze the data and draw conclusions. Are boys more sex-crazed than girls? Our final paper will answer this question and silence the debate once and for all. p.s. Oh, Dan, you studmuffin, I want to have your babies!

  “Mads!” Lina complained when she read the last line of the proposal Mads had typed up. “Take that out.”

  “I figured you’d chicken out, so I printed out another copy with no ‘p.s.’” She gave Lina the clean copy. “Coward.”

  “Thank you.” Dan was holding office hours that morning to meet with the students about their projects, and Lina had volunteered to present the proposal to him herself.

  Dan didn’t have an office of his own, so he had to use the Inchworm office. Inchworm, a student monthly filled with poems and drawings, was one of two literary magazines at Rosewood. The other was the Rosewood Journal, which focused on stories, essays, and photography. Lina liked to write, especially poetry, and sometimes thought of joining one of the lit mags. Dan was the faculty advisor for Inchworm, and Ramona Fernandez was executive editor. Lina knew that was no accident.

  Lina sat across the desk from Dan while he read the proposal. She jiggled her right knee nervously. She had never been alone in a room with him before, with the door closed and everything.

  Dan was a couple of years out of college, not so much older than Lina really, she thought. He was small and fine-boned, which she found charming, with short brown hair and round blue eyes. Every day he wore vintage suits with narrow lapels and skinny ties. Mads said he looked like Linus from Peanuts in a grandpa suit, but Lina liked his style, and she wasn’t the only one. Lately Ramona had replaced her usual giant silver cross with a skinny red tie. Talk about super-suck-up. It was supposed to be a symbol of her love for Dan or something. Ramona’s friends started doing it, too, but Lina suspected they were just following Ramona. It was turning into a cult thing. The Dan Shulman Cult.

  “It’s certainly ambitious, Lina,” Dan said. “I’ll be curious to see if you can really prove your hypothesis.”

  She strained to think of something cute to say. Why hadn’t she planned for this the night before?

  “Hey. Speaking of boys versus girls, want to hear a joke?” Dan asked. “I promise it’s one hundred percent stupid.”

  “Sure. I love stupid jokes.”

  “Okay. An alien walks into a shop and says, ‘I’m from Mars and I want to buy a brain for research.’ The shop owner shows him three brains. ‘This one’s a monkey brain,’ the shop owner says. ‘It costs twenty dollars.’ He holds up the second brain and says, ’This is a human female brain, one hundred dollars.’ Then he holds up the third brain and says, ‘This is a human male brain, five hundred dollars.’

  “‘Five hundred dollars! Why so expensive?’ the alien asks.

  “‘Well,’ the shop owner says, ‘it’s hardly been used!’”

  Lina laughed. “Good one,” she said. It wasn’t funny but it that made it even cuter.

  “I figured I can get away with a self-deprecating joke about my own gender,” Dan said.

  She wished she could sit there with him all day, casually chatting as if they were comfortable together.

  “All right, Lina. Go ahead and post your questionnaire and we’ll see what happens! Good luck!”

  He smiled at her while she sat frozen in her seat for a second. She knew this was her cue to leave, but her body was a little late in catching on.

  “See you in class,” Dan added.

  Finally her legs straightened and held her weight. “Right. Thanks, Dan.”

  Holly and Mads were waiting for her in the library. “He likes it,” Lina told them. “He says go ahead.”

  “Great!” Holly said. “I’ll post the questionnaire right now.”

  The three of them had spent several afternoons that week perfecting their questions. Holly opened an account on a Web log site and set up a blog called “The Dating Game.” She chose a user name, “hollinmad,” and a password for all three girls to use when they logged on.

  Holly scanned the quiz onto their blog. A prompt appeared: “Choose a security designation: 1. User Only. 2. Friends Only. 3. Open to All.”

  “Choose ‘Friends only,’” Lina said. “So only people we list as friends can access the site.”

  “To keep out the hackers,” Holly said. “And kids from other schools.”

  “And parents,” Mads added.

  “Every entry we make on the blog has its own security setting,” Holly said. “So we get to decide which information to keep private and which to share with everybody else.”

  They pasted in the email addresses of all the students in the school and grouped them as “friends.” To log on, the students would have to use their school email addresses.

  “So only RSAGE students can read the quiz and answer the questions,” Lina said.

  “But only we can see their answers,” Holly said. “Unless we want to make them public. Then all we have to do is change the security setting.”

  “I like the part where it says we have 816 ‘friends,’” Mads said.

  Lina took over the keyboard and posted an announcement on the school Web site.

  Play the Dating Game! Want to meet a cute guy or girl? Want to answer some fun quizzes? Want to help us with our IHD project? It’s easy! Log onto the Dating Game Web log and answer our questionnaire! You must use your RSAGE e-mail address when you log on. Give your name, your screen name, or be anonymous, it’s up to you. We’ll help you find the love you’re looking for. And if you’re not in the market for a date, fill out the questionnaire anyway. It’s for a good cause— helping us get an A in IHD! [Note to juniors and seniors: Come on, you were in tenth grade once. You took IHD. Have a heart and help us out! Note to sophomores: We’re all in this together! Note to freshman: This will be you next year!]

  Holly Anderson, Madison Markowitz, and Lina Ozu

  “Now all we have to do is wait for the results,” Holly said. “This is kind of exciting!”

  “I can’t wait to see what people say!” Mads said.

  “Be sure to remind everybody about it today,” Lina said. “We want to spread the word.”

  “Got it.”

  ROSEWOOD SCHOOL FOR ALTERNATIVE GIFTED EDUCATION (RSAGE)

  CARLTON BAY, CALIFORNIA

  The Dating Game Questionnaire

  Boys versus Girls: Who’s More Obsessed with Sex?

  Please answer all the questions below as completely as possible. As a reward for answering our questions, we will fix you up on a date with another guy or girl who filled out the questionnaire. We will compare your questionnaire with others until we find the person who has what you want, wants what you have, or has the most in common with you. Check the box below if you want to use our matchmaking services.

  PART I: TELL US WHO YOU ARE

  Screen name:

  Gender:

  Age:

  Grade:

  Are you a virgin?

  Have you kissed someone of the opposite sex?:

  Have you gone to second base? How many times?

  Third base? How many times?

  Home run? How many times?

  How many different people have you had sex with?

  Describe your most exciting experience:

  Describe your most embarrassing experience:

  Describe your scariest experience:

  PART II: THE POLL

  What’s your opinion? Who is more obsessed with sex, boys or girls?

  boys girls

  Why?

  PART III: THE INKBLOT TEST

  Stare at this image. What does it look like to you? Say the first thing that comes into your mind and write it in the space below.

  PART IV: MATCH OR NO MATCH?

  Do you want us to use this information to match you with someone for a date? Check here. yes

  (When we find someone who seems like a good match, we will e-mail you so you can contact them.)

  What are your dating requiremen
ts?:

  looks

  brains

  sense of humor

  good heart

  money

  athletic ability

  honesty

  can carry a

  tune other: ___________________________

  Dealbreakers? (Please check all that apply.):

  bad skin

  meat eater

  vegetarian

  tattoos

  piercings

  into fur

  overweight

  underweight

  bulimia

  drugs

  drinking

  smoking

  other: ___________________________

  Thank you for your help. Please check back for updates and results.

  “Just think,” Mads said. “If Sean fills this out, I can fix myself up on a date with him!”

  Lina wished it were that easy for her. She’d ask Dan to fill out the questionnaire for fun, but she knew nothing would come of it. She’d get to him somehow…some other way.

  4

  Fill in the Blanks

  To: mad4u

  From: Your daily horoscope

  HERE IS TODAY’S HOROSCOPE: VIRGO: You will learn some deep truths about your fellow humans. Try not to let it upset you too much.

  Mads checked the Web site as soon as she got home from school that afternoon. Thirty kids had already filled out the questionnaire! She couldn’t believe it. She quickly typed in the password and started reading. Holly and Lina were IMing her within minutes.

  linaonme: Do you believe this? Check out carumba.

  mad4u: whoa. He says he lost his virginity in eighth grade!

  hollygolitely: juicy7 says she and her boyfriend did it on the wrestling mat in the gym.

  mad4u: Have you ever done that? had sex at school, I mean.

  linaonme:No!

  mad4u: Holly?

  hollygolitely: Hey, I’m the Boobmeister! Has my rep faded so quickly?

  Mads couldn’t stop reading the questionnaires. She forgot about her homework, forgot about watching The O.C., even after her little sister, Audrey, reminded her it was on. At midnight she brushed her teeth and lay in bed, staring at the ceiling. She couldn’t sleep. She couldn’t get the images of all those kids having all that sex out of her mind. The voices of the girls talking in the locker room echoed in her head. How many boys had they seen naked? How could they be so casual about it?

  And meanwhile, what had she done? Kissed a few boys. Let Toby Buckholtz feel her up at summer camp. Accidentally saw her older brother, Adam, in the shower once. And that was about it. She was fifteen years old and still a virgin. Probably the last virgin left at Rosewood! Or close to it. It was as if a light went on in her head. Why didn’t she see it before? How could she have let everybody else pass her by this way?

  Then there were Lina and Holly. Lina had dated Dmitri Leshko for about two months last fall. Mads knew something had gone on between them, but she wasn’t sure what. Lina could be kind of shy about that stuff. And Holly lost it last summer with that guy in Idaho, Andy. It sounded so beautiful—summer love by a lake, swimming, sailing, sharing ice-cream cones, kissing at sunset, sneaking off together into the woods, snuggling by a campfire…

  Why hadn’t something like that ever happened to her? For Mads, last summer was not what she’d call a sex-travaganza. She’d spent most of her time at the pool club, practicing a half-gainer with a twist off the diving board in her pathetic Speedo one-piece. Even eleven-year-old Audrey wore a bikini last summer, but not Mads, oh no. It might slip off when you’re diving. The little voice in her head mocked her as it spoke these thoughts. Even her own brain was making fun of her.

  Was something wrong with her?

  Yes. Something was wrong with her. But that was okay, she’d fix it. Things had to change. And fast.

  All her life, Mads had been small and cute. People treated her like a little girl. But now she was fifteen, and people still thought of her as a kid. It wasn’t the same for Holly, or even Lina. They weren’t kids—they were teenagers. Especially Holly. She looked sophisticated, and people believed she was. Why couldn’t Mads pull off the same trick?

  Mads was afraid of being left behind. Well, it was time to grow up. She was going to catch up with everybody else if it killed her.

  I’m going to get some experience, she vowed. She knew exactly whom she wanted to get it with. Another image flashed into her mind. Sean. He shook his hair in the sunlight and smiled his gleaming smile at her. Oh yeah.

  She reached for her phone and dialed Holly’s cell.

  “Hello?” Holly’s sleepy voice croaked.

  “It’s me, Mads. Guess what? I’m going to lose my virginity!”

  “That’s great, Mads. God, I’ve got to start turning my ringer off at night.”

  “And you know who I’m going to lose it with?” Mads said. “Sean Benedetto.”

  “Good thinking,” Holly said. “Choose a guy who’s impossible to get. That’s a surefire way to lose your virginity.”

  “What? You don’t think I can get him?”

  “Well, I didn’t say that—”

  “Yes you did. You said he was impossible to get. Well, if that’s true, how come he’s dated six girls since school started this year? Huh? Six! Why shouldn’t I be one of them? My turn’s got to come sooner or later.”

  “Well, good luck with that. I’ve got to go back to sleep now.”

  Holly was an early-to-bed type, and Mads, a night owl, had no sympathy for her.

  “Let’s do something tomorrow,” Mads said. “I want to plan my complete and utter domination over Sean Benedetto.”

  But Holly had already hung up.

  Holly woke up at eight, the first one up as usual. She padded downstairs in her pajamas and poured herself a cup of coffee. Hooray for automatic coffeemakers. Then she went back to her room, planted her iPod ‘phones in her ears, and switched on the computer. What was happening on the Dating Game? Ten more questionnaires had been submitted since the day before. She combed through them. She was supposed to go over to Mads’ house, but she knew Mads wouldn’t be up for hours.

  “Screen name: topgun…Age: 16. Grade: 11. Home Run.… How many times? Over 100. How many different people have you had sex with? I think 37.”

  Um, okay, sure. That was believable. Next.

  She moved on to a girl’s questionnaire. “Describe your scariest experience: My scariest experience was when my boyfriend and I were fooling around and the condom broke. I finally got my period two weeks later but the whole two weeks I took a pregnancy test every day even though it was too early to tell.”

  Wow, Holly thought. She’s only fourteen. That is scary. I didn’t realize anyone in our school had already been through something like that.

  She paged through a few questionnaires that seemed honest—guys and girls who admitted to being virgins, who hadn’t done much more than kiss, if even that. It helped balance out the wild ones, but she had to admit the truth wasn’t as much fun to read.

  “Describe your most exciting experience: One time I threw a party but for some reason none of my guy friends showed up. The only people who came were all the cutest girls in school. So we partied by the pool in my backyard and pretty soon all the girls took off their clothes and jumped in…”

  It got worse from there. Holly checked the age on the questionnaire. Thirteen? I don’t think so. Nice try, Hotpants.

  What was going on here? Were the kids at her school really having as much sex as they said? Holly knew they weren’t, no matter what Mads thought. But why were they exaggerating about it—on an anonymous survey?

  What if I had to answer these questions? Holly wondered. What would I say?

  I’d tell the truth, she thought. Why not? It wasn’t so bad.

  Boys had always liked her, even in kindergarten. But in spite of all the rumors, she’d only had sex with one boy, Andy Rufford. Last summer in Idaho.

  She’d gone to a lake in Idaho the sum
mer before with her mother and her cousins, who had a house there. Andy was from Seattle. Holly didn’t give him much thought at first. He was friends with her cousins, and they all hung out together, and sometimes he was funny. Like the time he put Krazy Glue on the lifeguard’s whistle. That was sort of funny.

  As the weeks went by, she started to notice that he was cute. Really cute. And he must have noticed her, too, because by August things were heating up between them. Instead of waiting for the rest of the kids, they sneaked out at night to go swimming by themselves. Holly hardly knew how it happened, but soon they were a couple.

  They went skinny-dipping. They made out all the time. They moved from second base to third. One night, about a week before the end of the summer, Andy pulled out a condom. He didn’t say anything, just showed it to her with a question mark in his eyes. Her heart caught in her throat. This was it. Was she ready? She didn’t know, but she decided to go for it.

  They fumbled around and it hurt. She had a feeling it was his first time, too, because he didn’t seem to know what he was doing. She was so nervous she hardly remembered it, but when it was over she started laughing, and Andy laughed, too. They were like buddies playing a game. That made it less scary.

  Later that night she lay in bed alone and thought, I’m not a virgin anymore. Was she supposed to feel different somehow? Her heart was beating fast and her face felt hot. But that was about it. She couldn’t remember how she’d expected to feel, but she thought it would be a bigger deal than this.

  They did it a couple more times. It didn’t hurt so much now, and afterward Holly didn’t lay awake counting her heartbeats anymore. But there wasn’t anything that great about it. Maybe it was because she wasn’t deeply in love with Andy. She just liked him a lot. Or maybe they needed more practice to get good at it.