by Beth Rinyu
Me: No need to apologize or to thank me with dinner. That’s what friends are for.
My spirits had lifted so much from one simple text. When I looked out the living room window, the rain had stopped, and the sun was trying to peek its head through the clouds. I turned around to Kate, who was sitting on the couch watching television, and asked, “Are you and Thomas up for a walk?”
“Yeah, I think some fresh air will do me some good.”
I grabbed her sneakers sitting by the steps and brought them over to her.
“I’ll go and get Thomas together,” I said.
“Thank you so much.” She was winded as she struggled to put her shoes on. I went to help her, and she declined. I understood, there were still some things she wanted to do herself, but it was hard for me to watch and not offer her assistance.
“Thomas, do you want to go for a walkie?”
He toppled over his blocks and stood up. I took him up to his room and put a dry diaper on him, then went downstairs and prepared him a sippy cup of apple juice. Kate had managed to put on her sneakers and was standing in place while I threw some things in Thomas’ diaper bag. I grabbed Kate’s sweater from the coatrack. Even though it was mild out, I knew she got chilled quickly.
“Thank you,” she whispered when I placed it over her shoulders.
After taking Thomas’ stroller from the closet, I wrestled to get it open. I sensed Kate was feeling useless, wanting to help, as she stood there, advising me the best way to do it.
“Phew! That was a workout!” I exclaimed, taking a deep breath after it finally decided to cooperate. Kate snatched up Thomas, wincing in pain as she lifted him and placed him in his stroller.
“Owww!!” He repeated his word for outside and pointed to the door while bouncing up and down excitedly.
The sun was winning its battle with the overcast sky, creating the perfect balance in temperature when we stepped outside. Kate pushed Thomas’ stroller as we ambled slowly down the street and she gave me a lowdown of the neighbors when we passed each of their houses. Through her stories I was coming to find out that her quaint little neighborhood was a mixture of Peyton Place and The Twilight Zone. We walked a few blocks before taking a seat on a nearby bench when Kate became out of breath.
“I hate this!” she shouted. “I hate that I can’t take a simple little walk without needing to take a break.” It was the first time I had ever heard her express anger over her condition. “I used to run marathons, and now...” Her eyes welled with tears. “Now I can’t even take my son for a bloody walk.”
“I’m not going to say I know how you feel because I don’t. I get your frustration, but the fact that you’re even out and about going for a walk proves how strong you are, and you should be proud of that. If it makes you feel any better, I never ran a marathon, and I’d be terrified to even attempt it. I can’t even run up the street without getting a cramp in my side.”
She managed a smile, but I could sense she was still beating herself up on the inside. I rolled Thomas’ stroller back and forth when he started to get restless, then pulled out one of his toys from the diaper bag to keep him occupied.
“Did you and Theo have a nice time last night?” Kate asked, staring straight ahead.
“We did. I met two of his friends, Jo and David. They were really nice.”
“Oh, yes. They are lovely people.”
“And... Theo finally told Phoebe where he stood with her.”
“Wow!” Kate shook her head. “Miracles do happen.” She turned her head and looked at me. “If you don’t mind me asking—you said he was upset last night—what was he upset about?”
“He just...” I didn’t want her to feel any worse than she already was by thinking she was the cause of Theo’s distress.
“Anna told him how I was feeling last night, didn’t she?”
I nodded. “She was just really worried about you.” I rushed to Anna’s defense.
Kate let out an agitated sigh, then abruptly stood up. “Maybe we should head back. I’m feeling quite tired.”
I nodded and shot to my feet. Kate stoically gripped the handle of the stroller as if she was telling this sickness that had taken so much from her that she wouldn’t allow it to take the strength to push her little boy back home.
When we arrived back to Kate’s, she immediately went upstairs to take a nap while I played with Thomas. I was going to miss our little afternoon playdates once I was gone. He was such a beautiful child in appearance and demeanor, always happy all the time. His smile was so familiar, and I couldn’t pinpoint if it favored Kate’s or Theo’s. Maybe it was a mixture of both. His eyes were definitely his uncle’s. Kate’s were a shade of hazel green as well, but they didn’t have that same intensity as Theo’s or Thomas’.
He and Theo would only be a plane ride away, but I knew once I said goodbye to Kate, it might be the last time ever. My eyes and throat burned in unison with that thought, so I tried my hardest to focus on Thomas, playing with his blocks to chase it away. I was happy that I could help in some small way. It wasn’t a glamorous, adventurous vacation by any means, but it was just what I needed at that moment. Time to unwind and escape from the thoughts of my own life, while lending a hand where I could.
Anna came down the stairs, seeming out of sorts. “Kate’s awake and she’s really down.”
“I’ll go up and talk to her. Do you mind helping Thomas finish building his city?”
“Not at all, as long as my old bones will allow me to get down to his level.” Anna eased herself down slowly to the floor as I stood up and headed up the stairs.
When I reached the top of the steps, I gently knocked on Kate’s bedroom door and took a step in.
“Hey,” she said, trying her hardest to form some semblance of a smile, but sadness was written all over her face.
“Are you all rested up?” I asked, taking a seat on the side of her bed.
“For now. Then in about another hour or so, I suppose I’ll be tired once again.” She expelled a frustrated breath.
“Thomas is down there building a giant city. I think we’re going to have to start getting building permits for it soon.” I was so happy I was able to get a genuine laugh out of her. “He’s such a doll, Kate. I can’t believe how smart he is.” I was hoping to lift her spirits by talking about Thomas, but I seemed to be doing the opposite.
“I’m so sorry,” she said, grabbing a tissue and dabbing her eyes.
“Please don’t be. I’m sorry for upsetting you.”
She shook her head. “No…it’s not you.” There was a deafening silence between us, and I wasn’t quite sure how to break it up for fear of saying something that would stir emotions within her once again. I caught a glimpse of her unpainted nails. I knew that going to the nail salon was the last thing on her list of priorities, but I couldn’t forget what she had said about looking down at her nails and feeling beautiful. She needed to know that no matter how horrible she was feeling, she was still beautiful. I stood up and walked over to her makeup table, grabbing two bottles of polish. “Pink or purple?” I asked, holding up both bottles side by side.
“You choose,” she replied in a hoarse whisper.
“I think…pink.” I smiled. Taking a seat back on her bed, I shook the bottle up before unscrewing the top. I placed a pillow on my lap and Kate placed her right hand on it. As I brushed the first stroke on, I looked down at her index finger to assess the color. “Oh, that looks even prettier on.”
Kate managed an uneasy smile, and her hand began to tremble. “Jillian, there’s something I need to tell you.” She sat up taller in the bed while I continued to paint her nails. “It wasn’t a coincidence that we met.”
“I know. My grandmother used to say some people are just destined to become friends.” I put the brush back into the polish and fanned her nails with my hand.
She shook her head with a renewed vigor that I hadn’t seen her possess in a while. “It’s not like that, but after I got to know
you, I’d like to believe it was.”
“What are you talking about?” She wasn’t making sense. The combination of her meds would sometimes jumble her thoughts.
“Please, I need you to just listen to me,” she replied with a sense of urgency.
“Okay.” I put the bottle of nail polish on the nightstand and gave her my full attention.
“I found you in the Facebook group of the tour company we used for our trip.”
“And…” I still wasn’t following.
“You had asked a question about your trip and someone asked you what your dates were because they thought they’d be on the same tour, and you told them.”
“So, you booked those same dates because you wanted to be on my tour? Why?” I creased my eyebrow in confusion. This was all starting to sound like some weird, twisted psychological thriller.
She shook her head. “No…I had looked up your profile a while ago, and then more recently again. It showed me which groups you were in, and I happened to have seen that one and joined, hoping to find out more about you.”
“What?” I shook my head in disbelief, feeling like I was in a remake of Single White Female. “Why did you just randomly look me up on Facebook a while ago?” I was getting seriously freaked out.
“Because I wanted to see if you were really as beautiful as he said…and you were.”
“As who said?” I demanded.
“I knew how much you wanted a child. I knew how caring you were and how if anyone deserved a child it was you. I knew how much you loved him and how much he loved you. He’d always bring you daisies instead of roses, and you’d make his lunch for him every day and write little notes on the napkin.”
My eyes burned, expelling the tears that were pooling inside of them. How did she know this? Was she some sicko who had been stalking me for years? But how would she have known about the notes I’d write to Evan every day on his napkin? Little reminders of how much I loved him. I backed away and she grabbed my hand. “I don’t know—”
“I met Evan three years ago. He did a lot of work with the firm I used to be employed with when he’d come to London.”
My stomach twisted. How could she not have told me this? These past few months I had been fooling myself, thinking we were so close, and the whole time it had been contrived. I wanted to speak so badly, but the words wouldn’t come out. I was too shocked.
“We would all go out together. A group of us from work and Evan would come along when he was in town. He was a great friend.” She raised her eyebrow. “We talked about everything from the loser I was wasting years of my life to Game of Thrones. We were a lot like you and Theo. He told me all about you, and I felt like I knew you through him.”
“Well, no offense, but he never once mentioned you to me,” I said with an edge to my voice.
“There really was no reason to. I was just some girl who he’d have coffee or a drink or two with while he was here on business, and he was just some guy I felt comfortable blabbing all my problems to.” She looked away, and I could tell this story of innocent friendship was about to take a turn. “And then…” She paused.
“And then, what?” I demanded even though I sensed what was coming.
Her eyes flickered with emotion. “One time when he was here…he wasn’t himself. He was making major mistakes with his work and snapping at people he was normally friendly with. I met up for a drink with him, and he told me you had a miscarriage after years of trying to have a baby. He was so sad and scared; he didn’t know how to make you feel better.”
“No…he didn’t tell you that!” I shook my head and shouted. I wanted to throw up. Evan and I were the only two people who knew I was pregnant, and the only two people who knew about the miscarriage. How could he have shared this with her? “I don’t believe you...I want to know how you found all of this out about me. How?” I demanded, wishing now that I was correct in my original theory and she was some crazed stalker.
It was easier than facing the alternative—my husband confided in another woman about our deepest issues and then he slept with her. But hadn’t I done the same? No, this wasn’t the same. Evan was different. I had to keep telling myself that to believe what Evan did was so much worse than what I had done. For months I had been beating myself up over the guilt of the news I had broken to him on the night of his death. Seeing the pain in his eyes over and over again, every time I closed mine had been my punishment, my own personal hell on earth. I now hated Evan almost as much as I had been hating myself, and as I stared down at Kate, pale, frail, and sickly, all my prior feelings for her had vanished. It was as if I didn’t even know who this person was.
I stood up and took a few steps backward, away from her bed. “You lied to me. You took advantage of my husband when you knew he was vulnerable!”
She shook her head in protest and tears spilled from her eyes. I could imagine how this scene would look to an outsider looking in. Mean old Jillian, making the poor, sick cancer patient cry. But those outsiders had no clue what this poor, sick woman had done to me.
“I can’t believe how stupid I was to think you were my friend.”
“I am your friend, Jillian. I wanted to tell you. I wanted to tell you before we had left to go home from our holiday, but I was afraid that if I had, then I would have never heard from you again, and I wanted to hear from you because the truth of the matter is, I liked you a lot. I now know why Evan spoke so highly of you and—”
“Don’t! I don’t want to hear anything that he had to say about me to you. Just don’t! So, why did you stalk me to even tell me? Hmm?” I bit my bottom lip, trying so hard to pull it together. “Why this dire need to let me know you slept with my husband?”
“Because I knew the cancer had come back, and I had heard from a former coworker about what happened to Evan...and I just needed to...” She paused and sucked in a deep breath.
I closed my eyes, preparing for the answer I knew was coming. “Is Thomas his son?”
She swallowed hard, her eyes spilling over with tears, and with every passing agonizing second, I could feel my stomach twisting and turning. When she finally nodded, I let out a torturous gasp.
“Did he know?” I demanded.
“No. I never told him because I knew how much he loved you. I never told anyone. I knew what we did was wrong and should have never happened. I left that company shortly after I found out I was pregnant, and I never spoke with Evan again.” She pleaded her case while I remained silent with a whirlwind of thoughts overtaking me.
“Jillian, please. Say something,” she begged.
I shook my head. My shock leaving me powerless to render words. How could this be? Surely, I’d wake up from this dream—this nightmare and breathe a sigh of relief. I’d tell Kate all about it and we’d get a good laugh over it. But as I gazed into her eyes, flooded with every emotion possible, I knew I was very much awake.
My body broke into a sweat and my stomach clenched over and over as I gazed down at her one last time before running out of her bedroom. I darted into the guest room, throwing all my belongings haphazardly into my suitcase, running down the steps and out the door with no idea where I was going. After wheeling my suitcase down the street, I finally stopped once I felt far enough from Kate and the whole situation. Pulling out my phone, I did an Internet search of nearby accommodations to spend the night. I settled on the first one that popped up, a little B&B only a few miles from where I was. I ordered an Uber and came up with my plan while I waited for it to get to me. Once I got settled, I’d make plans to rearrange my flight to head back home in the morning, and try and wrap my head around everything I had just learned about the man I thought I knew better than anyone.
CHAPTER 20
I ARRIVED AT the little bed-and-breakfast that under normal circumstances I would find charming, but given the way I was feeling at that moment, I couldn’t feel anything. The sweet grandmotherly-looking owner handed me the key to my room, and I shook my head, letting her know she didn
’t need to continue her spiel about afternoon tea and evening wine and cheese.
“Well, if you need anything, love, just let me know.” She gazed at me sympathetically, no doubt noticing my red-rimmed, swollen eyes.
“Thank you,” I managed, before heading up the stairs to my room. I put my things down and immediately closed the curtains. Flopping down on the bed, I buried my head into the pillow, expelling the gut-wrenching sobs I had been holding in.
I awoke after a two-hour sleep to find three missed calls from Theo and two text messages:
Theo (2:14 p.m.): Kate just told me everything. I’m so sorry. Please call me, text me, anything to let me know you’re okay.
Theo (3:27 p.m.): I’m really worried about you.
Theo had been lied to by Kate this entire time as well, thinking someone else was the father of her child. How could she have been so deceiving even to her own brother? It wasn’t as if he even knew Evan, so why would he have cared if she had a one-night stand with a married man and got knocked up. I typed out the best reply I could muster.
Me: I’m fine
My phone began to ring a few seconds after hitting the send button. I wasn’t surprised to see that it was Theo calling. I sighed heavily, debating whether to answer it. I didn’t have the energy to speak to anyone, and I especially didn’t want to hear any defense he might give for Kate.
“Hello,” I answered, finally giving in. My voice was so low and hoarse from all the crying, I hardly even recognized it.
“Jillian.” His tone was filled with relief. “Are you okay?”
“I don’t know, Theo. What do you think?” I didn’t mean to sound as harsh as I did, but did I really need to state the obvious?
“I’m in shock, so I can’t even imagine how you’re feeling. I’m so sorry, Jillian.”
“You have nothing to be sorry for. You didn’t do anything.”
“Where are you?”
I was silent. I just wanted to hide away here until tomorrow, then get on the plane and head home.