by Beth Rinyu
“Jillian, please?” The desperation in his voice broke me down. I ended up telling him the name of the B&B and agreed to have him come to talk to me face-to-face.
I sat down in the parlor area, waiting for Theo to arrive. In the ten minutes’ time it took him to get there, I was able to go onto my phone and change my flight for a very hefty change fee, but I didn’t care. I would’ve drained my bank account just to escape this newfound truth. I wanted to cry all over again when I saw Theo walk through the door. This man I had grown to care about so much was just another causality in the aftermath of Kate’s deception. She was his sister, and I could never expect him to take my side over hers, nor would I ever want him to. It saddened me so much in knowing that going forward, if we were even to continue our friendship, there would always be an awkwardness between us. I hated the whole domino effect this was having. How could Kate have been so cruel to bring me into her little world, allowing me to get so close to her and everyone around her, only to pull the rug out from under me with her lies?
“Jillian.” Theo looked down at me with true compassion as he approached me. I got to my feet and gazed up at him through my swollen eyes with my heart breaking, bit by bit, second by second. “Is there someplace private where we can talk?” he asked.
“I think so.” I had overheard the innkeeper talking about the gardens in the back while I was waiting for Theo. He followed me out of the living room and through the French doors that led to a huge open space surrounded by benches and lush gardens. We decided on a more barren out-of-the-way spot to avoid any of the other guests who were taking advantage of the beautiful afternoon and the lavish landscapes around them. I looked around at the few green hedges surrounding us and the cracked concrete and couldn’t help but think how much this drab little area set amongst such beauty mirrored my own life at that moment. We took a seat on the bench as I prepped myself for what was to come. I would’ve much rather preferred to sit in silence. I didn’t want to hear anything Theo had to say. It wasn’t his fault; he was just as blindsided by this as I was. But I was so angry, and I needed to channel that irritation at someone.
“Do you see those cracks in the sidewalk around that flower?” he asked, looking down at the ground.
“Theo, really, the last thing—”
“Please, just answer me.”
“Yeah, I do.” I huffed, looking down at the ground below us.
“It makes you wonder how that lone flower survived, amongst them and with all the people passing by.” His eyes settled on me, and he continued. “Maybe all those cracks are the mistakes that flower has made in its life, leaving it all alone and vulnerable, but it’s still thriving despite it all. I’m sure there are days it just wants to be trampled on or wither away in the blistering sun, because it’s feeling hopeless. But it remains. A reminder to the people who take the time to recognize it that there’s still beauty in life, despite all the bad things that may happen to us or the blunders we make. Some people live their life allowing those cracks to define them, while others rise above them and realize that through those mistakes there could be beauty in ways we never imagined.”
He paused for a moment, taking my hand in his. “Thomas is like that flower, a reminder that out of mistakes, something precious still does exist.”
My eyes teared up as I choked back a sob.
“Yes, my sister has made many mistakes. Mistakes that have affected you in a lot of ways, but through them all, I only see beauty. Our friendship for one, and despite how you’re feeling toward Kate right now, your friendship with her. She may have been deceitful in how it all came to be, but I know in my heart how she feels about you, and there’s nothing dishonest about that. She cares about you, Jillian. That’s why she wanted you to know the truth about Thomas and get to know him before she...” His voice faltered and he stared straight ahead. “Before she passed away,” he finished.
I covered my face with my hands and let the unrestrained cries finally escape. There was no more holding them back. Evan had been given the one thing in life from someone else that I so desperately wanted to give him. That little boy I had grown attached to and taken care of these past few weeks while his mother was too sick to do so was Evan’s flesh and blood. He was half of Evan, but not half of me. Theo pulled me closer, allowing me to bury my face in his chest as the tears continued to fall and my body shook. He rested his lips on the top of my head, rubbing gentle circles on my back.
“I’m so confused, Theo. I don’t know what I should feel. I’m shocked, angry, sad... I just don’t know what I’m supposed to feel. Tell me what I’m supposed to feel.” I begged with my voice cutting off from the emotion inside me.
I lifted my head, and he wiped away the teardrops settling under my eyes before bracing my shoulders with his hands. “What’s the one thing you wanted from your husband before he passed away?”
I blinked hard, then closed my eyes. “Forgiveness,” I whispered.
“And I think that’s what my sister is asking from you right now. Don’t harbor all that resentment inside. It’s the same as holding all the guilt you’ve been carrying around. It’s nothing but an anchor dragging you down. Let it all go and realize that even the most beautiful of flowers can survive among those cracks.”
I pulled Theo closer, clinging to him like a lifeline in a stormy sea. Crying over the husband I thought I knew. Crying for the friend who had come and gone so quickly from my life. Crying for the innocent child I had grown to care about so much. And most of all, crying for the man whose arms I never wanted to leave, knowing I had no choice but to do so.
CHAPTER 21
AFTER RETURNING HOME, I didn’t get out of my pajamas for three straight days. I ignored the growing pile of mail on my kitchen table. I ignored the missed calls and texts from my mother, work, DeAndre, and as hard as it was…Theo. We had parted that day in the garden, vowing that nothing would change between us, and as much as I wanted to believe it wouldn’t, I knew it already had.
I sat down at the kitchen table, trying my hardest to stomach the bowl of soup I had just made without much success. Everywhere I looked in that house reminded me of Evan, from the kitchen cabinets he installed himself to the table I was sitting at that he was adamantly against purchasing. He finally wavered, giving in to my wishes like always. There was nowhere to escape from him. His presence was everywhere. I felt like I was mourning his death all over again, but this time it was different. It was as if I was mourning the loss of the memory of the person I thought he was. The knock at the door jolted me from my thoughts. I didn’t want to answer. I wasn’t fit for company. I was a complete mess both physically and mentally. Tiptoeing into the living room, I pulled the curtain back ever so slightly to see if I could get a glimpse out the window of who it was, breathing a sigh of relief and then uncertainty when I saw my mother’s car in the driveway. I ran my hand down my wrinkled pajamas as if that would help in any way before heading to the door and opening it.
“Jillian!” my mother exclaimed, looking me over in shock. As always, she was perfection, wearing a pretty coral-colored floral skirt that showed off her tanned, gorgeous legs even at sixty-two years old. Her light blond shoulder-length hair that was the same shade of mine was slicked back in a ponytail. I could only hope I had inherited her genes, when I got to be her age. She took a step inside and looked down at my unpacked suitcase still sitting in the entryway. “How long have you been home?”
“Three days,” I whispered.
“Your eyes are so swollen. Have you been crying?”
I looked up at the ceiling, trying to avert my tears, but the old trick someone had told me about a long time ago was failing me miserably at that moment. They began to stream down my face in waterfalls.
“Jillian...” My mother pulled me into her embrace. As I allowed her to comfort me, I realized this was a side of her I hadn’t seen very often. Even after Evan had died, she tried her hardest to be there for me, but I never felt comfortable allowing her complete
ly in. Now I was waving the white flag, because this time, I had felt like I had lost so much more, including a piece of myself. She led me over to the couch and we took a seat. Grabbing a small pack of tissues from her purse, she handed me a few and sat there quietly while I pulled it together somewhat. “What’s going on?” she asked gently.
“Evan has a child.” Hearing those words come out of my mouth sliced my heart in two.
My mother’s eyes widened. “What?”
I told her everything that had transpired over the past week from start to finish, leaving no details out, including my feelings for Theo. By the time I was finished I felt as if I had run the equivalent of an emotional marathon with a fresh round of tears showering my face. She shook her head, dumbfounded by the news she had just received. “I can’t believe she never told him about the baby.”
“She claims because she knew he was still in love with me and it was just a one-night thing that should’ve never happened.”
“I believe that to be true. Evan loved you so much, Jillian. That was always apparent.”
“There’s something else I never told you.”
“What’s that?” she asked with apprehension.
“I had a miscarriage a few years ago.”
She grabbed my hand and rubbed her thumb over my knuckles. “Oh, Jillian, why didn’t you tell me?”
“I don’t know.”
“Did Evan know you were even pregnant?”
“He did, and then he left for his business trip right after I lost the baby. The same trip he conceived his son on. I resented him so much for leaving me at a time when I needed him most that I just stopped caring. We lived together for an entire year as basic strangers before we finally separated. I didn’t want him to touch me. I didn’t want him to even look at me. Now looking back, I think he felt the same way about me. I don’t know if it was his own guilt over the affair he was hiding from me, but he seemed perfectly content with it. We were lost to each other.”
“Did the two of you ever try and talk to a therapist or anything?”
I shook my head and covered my face with my hands, letting out an alien loud-pitched noise that bore some resemblance to a cry. “I foolishly started confiding in a work colleague who I thought had my best interest at heart. Little did I know, the only thing he was interested in was getting me in bed...and naïve me fell for it.”
My mother let out a deep sigh and placed her hand on my shoulder, willing me to go on with my confession.
“Evan had already moved out when it happened, but I felt so horrible over it. Afterward, I felt dirty and used. I know now that he played on my emotions, and I allowed it to happen. I didn’t want to keep it from Evan. We never had any secrets between us, or so I thought. The night he got...” I paused and collected my breaths. “The night he got into the accident, he came here pleading with me to try and work things out between us. Instead of just appeasing him at that moment and talking it over in the morning when he wasn’t inebriated, I chose to confess to him what I had done.” I searched my mother’s eyes for sympathy and strength. Upon seeing both, I carried on. “I had to live with that guilt for the past nine months. If I had just waited to tell him or if I hadn’t told him at all, he’d still be alive. Now that I had this bombshell dropped on me, I can’t help but think, maybe I should have been like him and not said a word.”
“Jillian, you didn’t cause that accident. He was drunk. You know that. You have to stop beating yourself up over it.”
“But don’t you see? If I had chosen a different time to tell him, it could’ve all been avoided. And the biggest unanswered question that I’ve had all these months was, had he not gotten in that accident, if he was still alive, would he have found it in his heart to forgive me for what I’ve done? Funny how Karma has a way of turning things around. Now it’s me who can’t seem to forgive him or Kate for what they’ve done.”
“I think you have a lot to go over. Not just in your mind, but in your heart. That innocent child is a part of a man you loved very much. You’re the only one who can make sure he knows a little bit about the good man his father was. Despite what has happened, you know in your heart he was a good person.”
I nodded and blinked away the tears.
“And as far as forgiveness goes. Evan’s not here to let you know if he’d forgive you for what you’ve done, but you are. Can you look deep inside your heart and forgive him for what he did?”
I closed my eyes, thinking long and hard about the rut I had been stuck in until Kate and Theo entered my life. Kate and Theo. Two people who would’ve never existed to me if it weren’t for Evan’s actions. “Yeah. I think I can.”
“Then, I think you know what you need to do to prove to him that you do.”
I nodded and she leaned over and kissed me on the cheek.
“Now, go take a shower. I’m gonna straighten up in here a little while you’re getting ready, and then we’re going out to lunch.”
Never in a million years did I think a conversation with my mother would help me see things so much clearer. Why had I avoided confiding in her for so long? My whole life, I always thought she was too busy to have the normal mother-daughter closeness I had yearned for so much. Maybe the entire time it was really me who had been shutting her out of my world when she so desperately wanted to come in. I started to get up and then sat back down beside her. “Mom, I’m really sorry for keeping you at a distance for so long. I just always thought...”
“You always thought what?” she asked.
I shrugged. “That you had a new family, and I was a painful reminder of your old life with my father.”
Now it was my mother’s turn to show her emotions. “Jillian, how on earth could you ever think that? I love your brothers with all my heart, but you...you will always be my little girl. You’re the reason I believed that love existed. From the first day I held you in my arms, it was unconditional.”
“I just always had it stuck in my head that the perfect family consisted of a husband and a wife, and children that were biologically theirs. That was always my problem. I was never able to deviate and believe that there could be happiness beyond the norm. Until Theo showed me there’s beauty in everything in ways I never imagined.” I hugged her tightly and we both exchanged a fresh bout of tears.
“Theo sounds like a very smart man,” my mother managed to get out once our cries subsided. “Now enough with all the crying, go get yourself together. I’m starving.” My mother dabbed her eyes and pulled it together. I nodded and stood up, making my may to the living room door when my mother called my name. I turned on my heels to face her. “Don’t be afraid to tell him how you’re feeling. Don’t allow yourself to have any more what-ifs in your life.”
“I’m scared that if I do, it will change things between us.”
“And it might...and this is the last what-if that will come from my spiel...what if it changes things for the better?”
I smiled with that thought as I headed into the shower with a fresh sense of hope imbedded in my heart.
CHAPTER 22
SLOWLY BUT SURELY, the fog I had been under was starting to lift. It was like waking up and realizing it was only a dream, or in my case, like waking up and realizing it was reality. My talk with my mother helped me so much, yet I still hadn’t found the courage to call Theo. Then there was Kate. Time wasn’t on her side. Still, I wasn’t completely ready to do what my heart was begging me to do.
I had spent the morning in the city, tackling some errands. One of them being meeting with my attorney to set up a trust for Thomas from part of Evan’s life insurance. I had reflected a lot those past few days, and one thing I was certain was that Thomas needed to be taken care of. He was Evan’s child, and if Evan were alive, despite the circumstances, he wouldn’t have turned his back on him, like my father had on me. I didn’t want any other child to feel that same sense of abandonment I had growing up. So even if Evan couldn’t be here for Thomas physically, I wanted to make sure he was
financially. I had set everything up in Theo’s name until Thomas turned eighteen and planned on informing Theo once I managed the strength to call him.
I had met DeAndre for a quick lunch and filled him in on all the details of my trip, surprised when I was actually able to manage a laugh over his theatrical response to it all. I was now facing the final and most dreaded chore, picking up the rest of my things from my former job. I had called Pria and asked her to box everything up for me. She promised she wouldn’t give anyone a heads-up that I was coming in, so I could hopefully get in and out unnoticed. Just as my luck would have it, I was looking down at my phone, texting Pria, and literally walked right into Jonathan as I was entering.
“Jillian.” He grabbed my elbow to steady me on my feet.
“Oh, sorry. I wasn’t looking where I was going.” I jerked my arm from his grip.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.” I looked away.
“Jillian, come on. Can you at least look at me?”
I pushed my hair behind my ear and finally locked eyes with him.
“Can we go across the street for coffee?”
“I…um…Pria is waiting for me,” I stammered.
“Just ten minutes?” he pleaded.
“Fine.” I sighed, following him out the door and to the Starbucks across the street.
I ordered a small coffee just to appease his insistence that I order something, then took a seat in a spot that was all too familiar to me. We had sat at this same table not so long ago, even though it seemed as if a lifetime had passed since then. I remembered his hand, reaching across to mine and his fingers sliding up and down my bare arm. I hated myself for relishing the attention he was showing me, but yet I didn’t pull away. That night, I went home and had sex with Evan after not sleeping together for months.
I had to prove to myself that Jonathan’s touch meant nothing to me, and I was still very much in love with my husband. Unfortunately, it only proved my theory wrong. It wasn’t the slow, gentle lovemaking we normally had. Instead, it was rushed, robotic, emotionless sex. Afterward, Evan got up and went into the living room to finish watching the baseball game. Then he fell asleep on the couch, like he had so many other nights after we had lost the baby. I cried myself to sleep and vowed I would never talk to Jonathan about any of my problems again. If only I had listened to my internal pledge that night. A few months later, Evan moved out. Jonathan became my shoulder to cry on and eventually a filler of the physical void that was missing in my life. Now as I sat across from him, a lot stronger and a lot less naïve than I was before, I felt so differently. What I once perceived as charm, I now viewed as arrogance.