by Beth Rinyu
“So, Norm told me you were on a temporary hiatus,” Jonathan started, leaning back in his chair and assessing me, causing the hairs on my arms to stand at attention.
“It’s not temporary. He knows that.”
“Well, I hope it doesn’t have anything to do with me.”
“It doesn’t,” I snapped back quickly, not wanting him to think he held any more power over my life. “It has to do with me.”
He nodded, still seeming unsure of my response. “I just wish you didn’t hate me so much.”
I concentrated on the coffee in my cup as I swirled the wooden stirrer round and round. “I don’t hate you,” I said, focusing my attention back to him. “I hate what we did. I hate that I let it define who I was for so long, and I hate that I hurt someone I cared about so much because of it. But I don’t hate you—you were just one of the many cracks in my life.”
He creased his forehead. “I don’t understand.”
I gazed at him long and hard, finally fearless of the shame the man staring back at me conjured up inside of me. He held no control over me, and he never had. I stood up and pushed my chair in as he sat there waiting for an explanation. “And I wouldn’t have expected you to. Goodbye, Jonathan.” I walked out with my head held high, enveloped in a sense of closure to a chapter of my life that had been hanging in the balance for far too long.
I arrived home a little after six. Little did I know but my little meeting with Jonathan had saved me from meeting up with any of the bigwigs from work when I went to collect my things. Pria informed me they had just left for an afternoon golf outing, and I couldn’t have been more relieved. I was so happy to see that it was her who was sitting at my desk and not someone who was put in that position just because they were a friend of a friend. Like me, Pria busted her butt for that company and had always been overlooked. She was too young. She didn’t have enough experience. Those were always the standard excuses they’d give when I’d ask to have her co-pitch with me. Instead, I’d get stuck with a male colleague who didn’t have a quarter of the knowledge Pria had, but he had a part of anatomy she had lacked. I just hoped they didn’t take advantage of her and burn her out.
I placed my box of belongings from my desk in one of the spare bedrooms that had been sealed off like a tomb. It had been used as Evan’s office, and I really had no reason to go in here. If I was being honest, I had avoided coming in because it reminded me of him too much. It remained untouched, even after he moved out and was still alive. I’d never venture in here. It was his space, and I felt like an intruder, entering uninvited. I walked over to his drafting desk and sat down. Everything was just as he left it the last time he had sat in that seat. He was so meticulous, with not a thing out of place.
I remembered in the good days, how I’d come in here and sit on the floor, drowning my sorrows in a bowl of ice cream while he worked. I’d go on and on, bitching about work, and he’d just listen and sketch. I loved to watch him work. Creating big old buildings or brand-new homes that only existed in his mind, then bringing them to life with the sketch of his pencil. He was so talented. I told him all the time that he was way too smart to be with someone like me. He’d laugh it off, never really knowing that I meant it. How I wished I had a time machine to go back to those happier times. If only for one day, just to get lost in the memory of how we once were, and the people we used to be. I ran my hand along the slant of the desk, reaching into one of the side compartments and pulling out a pack of sticky notes. My stomach clenched with a full-blown laugh, seeing the word “Jingoist” scribbled in Evan’s handwriting.
“So today, Martin had a staff meeting with everyone and he singled me out and said he didn’t think a woman would be able to win over the CEO of a hunting and fishing gear company with their marketing plan. Is he not the biggest jingoist or what?”
“A what?” Evan put down his pencil and looked up at me with a grin from ear to ear, sporting his matching double dimples prominently.
“A jingoist,” I answered nonchalantly. “You know, like a chauvinist.”
“Is that even a word?”
“It is.” I nodded.
He stared at me questionably. I did have a bad habit of mispronouncing uncommon words or using them in the wrong context. Evan always seemed to get such a kick out of it. I’d argue that I was right until Evan would look it up and prove me wrong, and we’d both get a good laugh over it.
“I’ve got to write that one down.” He picked up his pen and scribbled the letters as I spelled it out for him as best as I could.
As I traced my fingers over his letters, my laughter turned to tears. I didn’t think he ever did look that one up; if he did, he never told me. I sucked in a deep breath and put the Post-it pad back right where I had found it, wanting to preserve those happier times we had together.
“What happened to us, Evan? How could we drift so far away from each other?” I sat there for some time, staring into space before finally getting up and exiting, closing the door behind me.
I went to bed early, watching reruns of Law and Order SVU in bed. The weights on my eyes finally won the battle as I hit the off switch on the remote, turning on my side and giving in to my sleepiness.
I stretched my arm to the other side of the bed and felt the warmth of his body next to mine. My eyes fluttered open and I was staring into his beautiful baby blues. “Evan,” I whispered. “You’re here.”
“Of course I’m here, silly. Where else would I be?”
His face was perfect just like I had always remembered. Not unrecognizable, swollen, and battered in black and blue marks like when I had seen him lying in that hospital bed in a coma. He had that same spark in his eyes I fell in love with when we first met. The one that fizzled out once our marriage did.
“You’re okay?” My tears wet my pillow, and he rubbed his thumb along my cheeks to stop any more from falling.
“Why wouldn’t I be okay?”
“Because you…” I didn’t want to say it out loud because I was afraid if I did he’d be gone. My arms wrapped around him, smelling the remnants of his cologne and feeling the razor stubble on his face. He was here. He was really here lying beside me in our bed. “I’m so sorry, Evan. I’m so sorry for not being the wife you deserved. I’m so sorry for not trying harder.”
“Hey, where is all this coming from?” He rested his lips on top of my head. “It’s not a big deal that you forgot to set the alarm again.”
“What?” I whispered.
“The alarm never went off, so I’ll just be a little late. I’d much rather stay here with you for a while longer anyway.”
“The alarm?” I lifted my head from the pillow, confused.
“Yeah. It’s okay, though. I forgive you.”
I blinked hard over those three little words I heard coming from his lips. “You forgive me?” I eased myself up on my elbow, instantly feeling lighter as the weight that had been holding me down was finally being released.
His fingertips ran along my cheek, then under my chin. I dropped my gaze so I was staring directly into his eyes. He said it once again, “I forgive you, Jillian. I forgive you…”
I shot up in bed, gasping for air. Strands of my hair stuck to my tearstained face. When I looked over at Evan’s side of the bed, it was untouched. My hand reached for the pillow that his head had been on just a few moments ago. I inhaled deeply for traces of him, but there were none, just the floral scent of fabric softener. “No, no, no.” I hugged the pillow tightly. “You were here. I know you were.” It couldn’t have been a dream. I smelled his cologne, felt the warmth of his body…it couldn’t have been a dream. Evan was here. I threw my head against the headboard and cried. “I have to believe you were really here, Evan. I have to believe that you forgive me.”
I stood up and paced the floors as the first hint of sunlight peeked through my curtains. After standing in place for a brief moment trying to pull it together, I ambled over to the window. Drawing the curtain open, I rested my head
on the cool pane of the glass as the sun slowly made its ascent from behind the trees. This particular window had the perfect vantage point for the most spectacular sunrises. Evan had pointed that out when we were house shopping. Going on and on about how it faced due east. I didn’t pay much attention, until we moved in and we got to witness Mother Nature’s wake-up call for the very first time.
“A new day is beginning,” Evan said as he stood behind me, placing a gentle kiss on my bare shoulder. “A new day to right the wrongs of yesterday.”
“A new day to right the wrongs of yesterday,” I spoke the words out loud with a smile as big as the peach-colored ball that now lit up the sky spread across my face. “I promise, I’m going to make it right, Evan. I promise,” I whispered.
CHAPTER 23
WHAT WAS I doing? A question I should’ve asked myself twenty-four hours ago when I booked my plane ticket. Instead, there I was in London with no plan except to wander the streets while I tried desperately to come up with one. On the plus side, I was able to score a very nice last-minute hotel room, but at that moment that was the only thing I had going in my favor. I should have called, texted, communicated in some way with Theo before jumping on a plane to his side of the ocean, not even knowing if he was here or away on business. Even if he wasn’t around, I still needed to see Kate, which was part of my main purpose of this visit. I was trying to work up the courage to call Theo and tell him I was here or get a car service and head to Kate’s. Both choices seemed to be rather daunting at that moment, so I just walked around aimlessly until I stumbled upon a little antique store.
“Good day, miss,” the shopkeeper greeted.
“Oh, hello,” I responded back.
My eyes didn’t know which way to look. There were so many items to take in. All of them begging to be examined, and knowing me, I’d make sure they were. I was immediately drawn to a set of old steamer trunks. I had always been intrigued by old trunks like those, wondering where they had journeyed to so long ago.
“They were lovingly cared for, just a few scratches here and there, but I’m sure they could be removed.” The shop owner took me off guard when he snuck up behind me as I bent down and ran my hand over the leather covering.
“Why would anyone want to remove them?” I asked, tracing my index finger over the imperfections.
“I don’t know, some people may see them as an eyesore.”
“I don’t.” I looked up at him in earnest. “I think every scratch tells a story of where they’ve been and what they’ve endured in their time.” I stood back up, still unable to take my eyes off them.
“I can offer you a good price if you take the set.”
“Oh, as much as I’d love to, I can’t. I think they’d cost a little too much to check on the plane.”
“Oh, right.” He nodded and adjusted his wire-rimmed glasses. “Well, I do ship too.”
“That’s good to know.” Nodding at the man, I continued on with my eyes going in every direction, making sure I didn’t miss a thing. There was so much to look at, and I was so intrigued by it all. As I came upon the gold pocket watch within the glass curio cabinet, my heart leapt with excitement. “Could I please see this pocket watch?” I asked the shopkeeper. He raced to my side, unlocking the glass door.
“This one goes way back to the turn of the century.”
“Does it still work?” I asked, holding it up and looking it over. It was in impeccable condition.
“Oh, yes. We have all the watches and clocks that come in refurnished to make sure they’re in perfect working order.”
“I’ll take it,” I said without even looking at the price.
“Wonderful!” He beamed, locking up the cabinet and taking it from my hand.
“You don’t happen to know anywhere I can get that engraved, do you?” I asked as he was writing up the sales ticket.
“As a matter of fact, I can do that right here.”
“Really?” my voice squealed with delight.
I wrote down exactly what I wanted it to say. Now I had to finally work up the nerve to call the person it was intended for.
My smile seemed unremitting as I clutched tightly to the bag containing the pocket watch on my walk back to the hotel. I would call Theo once I got there and see where it went from there. As I was waiting to cross the street, a thought came to mind. I quickly pulled out my phone and snapped a picture of a red double decker bus driving by. People passed by as I stood in place and composed my text to Theo, attaching the photo along with it.
Me: Where in the world is Jillian?
Taking a deep breath, I hit the send button and continued my trek back to the hotel. My phone was buzzing just as I stepped onto the elevator at the hotel. I wasn’t surprised to see Theo’s name flashing across the screen, and I immediately was surged with guilt for basically blowing him off in the past week.
“Hey, stranger,” I answered as I hit the number five button on the elevator.
“Are you in London?” he asked.
“I am,” I replied.
“For…work?”
“Umm…no. Actually, I wanted to see Kate.” There was a brief silence. “And I was hoping to see you too.” I continued with a little more confidence in my voice. “I wasn’t sure what your schedule was like, and I know it’s kind of late notice, but I was wondering what you were doing for dinner.”
“I would love to meet you for dinner,” he replied instantaneously, erasing any doubts. We made plans to meet at my hotel at seven. My heart raced with excitement at the prospect of seeing him, and I wasn’t sure if I was happy or fearful of that.
_______________
The hour nap I intended on taking turned into three. Once I got my bearings straight and saw the time on my phone, I realized I only had an hour to shower and get ready before Theo arrived. I darted out of bed and jumped in the shower. By the time Theo texted me, letting me know he was in the lobby, I was pretty much put together except for my favorite earrings. I had dropped one somewhere and couldn’t find it for the life of me. I replied to Theo’s text with my room number, hoping by the time he came up, the earring would be securely fastened into my ear. Theo’s knock on the door came just as I was bending down, assessing the carpet to no avail. I stood up and rushed to the door, smiling at the sight of him, dressed casually in jeans and a white button-up shirt with just a hint of a five o’clock shadow. For a brief moment, nothing else mattered as I drank him in, unable to wrap my head around how much I missed seeing his face, smelling his familiar cologne, and hearing the sound of his distinct voice.
“Are you okay?” he asked, half amused, half concerned.
“Oh, yeah.” I snapped out of it, opening the door farther and allowing him in.
“So, what’s the minor crisis you just texted me about?”
“My earring.” I lifted my hair to show him the matching one that was securely in my ear. “My grandmother gave these to me for my college graduation. As I was putting the other one in, it fell out of my hand and somehow managed to get lost somewhere in this room.”
He dropped his gaze to the floor and strode slowly around the area. Stopping in his tracks, he bent down, gathering something off the floor. I had forgotten just how green his eyes were until he stared up at me with my earring in the palm of his hand.
“Look at you. My hero.”
He stood up and dropped it in my hand, then gazed down at me. I was frozen for a moment. Lost in the expression on his face and the warmth in his eyes. I cleared my throat and placed the earring in my ear, then held out my arm and glanced at my watch. “Look at that, seven o’clock on the dot, even with my little snafu.”
I grabbed my purse, and he motioned with his hand for me to walk in front of him when I suddenly remembered the watch. “Oh wait!” I exclaimed, stopping dead in my tracks. His eyes widened over my excitement. “Sorry.” I lowered my voice. “Have a seat for one second, please.”
He scratched the back of his head and followed me suspiciously with his
eyes before sitting down on the bed. I walked to the other side of the room and grabbed the box containing the watch.
“So, I think you know what a great friend you are to me, and I’m sorry, I’ve kinda been a shit one to you lately,” I said, taking a seat next to him.
“Jillian—” He shook his head to argue the point, and I held up my hand to stop him.
“You helped me put things into perspective more than you’ll ever know, and the truth is…” There was an awkward pause. “I thought a lot about things. One of them being, what if I never met you? God, I’m sorry…I’m just going on and on.” I placed the box on his lap. “This is for you…and I hope it will hold some meaning to you, enough for you to want to pass it down.”
The corners of his mouth tugged into a gentle smile as he lifted the lid. “Jillian,” he whispered softly, pulling it out of the box.
“Flip it over,” I instructed.
His eyes flickered with emotion as he read the inscription out loud.
“T-, Thanks for showing me beauty among the cracks, Love J-”
He fixated his gaze on the watch, and I was wishing he’d say something, even if he hated it…something. “I—” He shook his head. “Thank you so much, it’s…” He pulled in his bottom lip, warding off his emotions.
“You’re welcome,” I replied. Trying to give him time to pull it together. “I want to see Kate. Evan died without me knowing if he’d ever forgive me. I won’t make that same mistake with Kate. I don’t want something to happen to her and not have her know that I forgave her.” I inched closer, took the watch from his hand, and placed it back in the box. I needed his full attention for what was to come next. “And there was actually another reason.” I hesitated for a moment, feeling like I was about to lose my nerve, but took a deep breath and carried on, ignoring my quickening pulse. “I wanted to tell you something.”