by Beth Rinyu
CHAPTER 31
THEO, THOMAS, AND I spent the next few days going on little adventures. Thomas had taken his first official trip into the city. I was hoping it was the first of many to come. We had so much fun walking through Central Park, visiting the Children’s Museum, and of course stopping off at FAO Schwartz. We spent the next day having a picnic at a nearby lake. Thomas expressed a keen interest in swimming when he tried running in the water, getting not only himself but Theo soaked in the process. I laughed so hard, I had tears running down my face. On the way home, we stopped off to buy Thomas a kiddie pool, and I introduced Theo to another must-have experience when in America—Walmart. Thomas spent the rest of the afternoon splashing around in the backyard with the smile never leaving his face. I was finding the smile never fading from my face either when I was with the two of them, and I was loving every minute of it.
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Evan’s parents spent the following afternoon with Thomas, giving Theo and me the chance to hit some antique shops in the area and then take advantage of the beautiful weather by enjoying an outdoor lunch at one of my favorite restaurants. It was then that I revealed to Theo my plans for the following day.
“I don’t think I ever told you Evan donated his organs when he died.”
“No, you didn’t,” he replied, taking a sip of his wine.
“At first, I didn’t even want to think about it. I thought it was kind of morbid to have his body parts functioning in another person’s body when they couldn’t even help keep him alive. I guess I was bitter…angry. But then once I found out about Thomas, I realized the biggest part of Evan lived on, the same way part of him is living on in those people who received his organs.”
Theo listened thoughtfully, giving me time to collect my thoughts and get my emotions in check.
“I’m going to meet two of the individuals who received his organs tomorrow—his heart and his corneas. The transplant coordinator emailed me the letters they each sent. The woman who received his heart is a single mom with three children, who would more than likely be dead and her children left without a mother if it weren’t for the transplant. The cornea recipient served two tours in Afghanistan. He got caught in a roadside bombing and had severe scarring from the burns to his eyes.” I reached for the linen napkin on my lap and dabbed my eyes. “I wanted to see if you’d be okay with Thomas coming along to meet them as well?”
“Of course,” he replied without hesitation, reminding me of why I had fallen so quickly and so hard for him.
“Thank you.” I reached over and squeezed his hand, never wanting to let it go.
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Theo stayed back at my house to participate in a video conference call for work while Thomas and I went to the transplant center. He was willing to blow off his call to offer me support, but I assured him over and over again that I’d be fine. An hour later as I sat with a squirming Thomas on my lap, and my nerves getting the best of me, I was wishing Theo were there.
“Jillian?” A tall, older, gray-haired woman came out from behind the door and greeted me.
I released Thomas from my lap and stood up. “Hello,” I replied, not even recognizing the meekness in my voice.
“I’m Janet Seigel. It’s so nice to meet you. And who is this little cutie?”
She bent down to get a closer look at Thomas, who was burying his face into the back of my leg.
“This is Thomas…Evan’s son.”
“Well, he is just adorable.” She stood back up and smiled. “Are you ready to do this?” I nodded, picking Thomas up and following her back.
We reached a door and she turned around to me as she placed her hand on the handle. I nodded once again, letting her know I hadn’t changed my mind in the two-second walk back. Taking a deep breath, I held tightly to Thomas at the sound of the door opening. Taking the first step in, I distracted myself from my main focus and instead took in the configuration of the room. It had been set up to be warm and welcoming, like a living room of someone’s house. Two charcoal-colored couches sat across from each other with a coffee table containing a vase of fresh flowers in between. Natural sunlight beamed through the oversized windows, giving greater focus to the inspirational portraits that adorned the calming gray-colored walls.
My eyes were finally brave enough to shift to the two people in the room, each sitting on one of those two couches. A woman and man both appearing to be around my age. One of them with Evan’s heart beating inside of them. The other with his corneas to help him see. The man immediately stood up and shook my hand, introducing himself as Steve. I focused on his eyes, and even though they were deep brown, I still felt as if I was getting a glimpse into Evan’s bright blue ones. I extended my hand to him.
“Hi, I’m Jillian and this is Thomas, Evan’s son.” I placed Thomas down and Steve got down to his level, staring deeply into his eyes. Thomas stared back, fixated on him.
I squatted next to Thomas and whispered in his ear, “Do you see him in there? Do you see your daddy?” Shifting my gaze to the ceiling, I willed myself not to cry, but it was useless. “Do you see your beautiful boy, Evan?” I whispered. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I know he replied, even if it was just in my own imagination. As I stood up, I wiped my tears with the back of my hand, trying to pull it together.
When Steve rose to his feet, I noticed the scarring on the right side of his face that extended from his cheek to his temple. “I can’t thank your husband enough for his selfless act. It changed my life.”
I nodded. “The same could be said for you as well.”
“Thank you,” he murmured and looked down at the floor.
Now it was the woman who stood up. I took a deep breath, knowing this was going to be even harder for me. A heartbeat I had almost memorized the tune of was playing on in someone else’s body. Tears gushed from her eyes, and I allowed mine to flow as well as I took the first few wary steps toward her. She wrapped her arms around me, and I was oddly filled with a sense of comfort when I hugged her back. I was hugging a stranger, but nothing about it seemed awkward. In fact it felt weirdly familiar. “I’m Linda. I just want to say thank you to your husband, and my daughters thank him as well,” she managed to get out through her sobs. My face was soaked in tears, and I could sense Thomas’ distress over my emotional state.
“It’s okay, Thomas,” I reassured him, reaching for his hand as Linda took a seat.
“Can he listen?” I asked Linda. She nodded, and I placed Thomas on her lap. She pulled him closer, resting his ear on the left side of her chest while rocking him gently back and forth. I broke down into a million little pieces that day as I stood there watching Thomas interact with a part of his father for the very first time. The very best part of him. He’d never get to experience his kindness or his loving ways, but I’d make sure he knew all about the great man his father was. Through my deep sobs and the murmur of Evan’s heart beating inside of someone else, my own heart was smiling, and with each passing second, it was slowly piecing itself back together again. These three people in this room—Steve, Linda, and Thomas—were proof that life went on, and those cracks in the sidewalk were really just the landscape of our life. We were the only ones who could control how much beauty we allowed in to continue to grow or how much we let pass by because we were afraid of moving on.
After spending time with Steve and Linda and meeting their families, Thomas and I returned back to my house. Without saying a word, I fell into Theo’s arms, going into round two of my emotional breakdown. As we sat in silence and I rested my head on Theo’s chest, listening to his heartbeat, it occurred to me how lucky I was. I had found another heart to listen to. The rhythm and the melody may have been different than Evan’s, but the peace and love it brought to me was the same. Theo didn’t bombard me with questions about how it had all gone, and I was thankful because I was mentally drained and I didn’t have it in me yet to rehash all those emotions. Like always, he was there for me to lean on. My quiet rock
when I needed inner peace and my shoulder to cry on when I needed to vent. He always seemed to know exactly which of the two I needed him to be—even before I knew it myself.
Once I was composed enough, I got up and washed my face. I stared at my reflection in the mirror, feeling like I was looking at a different person than the one I saw just months ago in this same mirror. I was stronger, happier, and most of all forgiving of my greatest critic—myself.
“Let’s go for a walk and get some ice cream,” I announced as I came out of the bathroom. Theo, who was on the floor playing with Thomas, looked up at me in surprise. I knew what he was more than likely thinking, just a short while ago I was in the midst of a major meltdown and now, I wanted ice cream. “I know.” I shrugged. “What can I say? All that crying made me hungry.”
He shook his head and flashed me that boyish grin and my heart melted all over again, but in a very good way.
We walked up to the little ice cream stand not far from my house, then took a seat at a nearby bench overlooking a pond. As I fed Thomas spoonfuls of ice cream, the words I was unable to render back at my house were now flowing off my lips as I told Theo all the details of the emotional morning. I was both surprised and elated that I was able to get through it without any more tears.
“You did it, and you also let Thomas meet a little part of his father in the process. You should be so proud of yourself.”
“I am.” It was the first time in a long time that I could admit I was proud of myself for anything.
Theo wiped the ice cream from Thomas’ face and hands and pulled out one of his trucks from the bag. Thomas climbed from the bench and found a small patch of dirt on the ground to ride his truck through.
“So, I was wondering,” I said.
“What’s that?” Theo replied as he watched Thomas pick up a handful of dirt and sift it through his hand.
“Do you think I’ll need to buy some more umbrellas?”
He shifted his focus from Thomas and gazed at me in confusion. “Huh?” He creased his eyebrows.
“When I move to England…with you.”
His mouth curved up into a beautiful smile. “Really? You’re not joking, are you?”
I shook my head.
“Well, in that case, you won’t need any because you have my word, I will always be there to protect you from whatever storms that come.”
I suddenly remembered my wedding vows with Evan, and how we had promised to be each other’s umbrellas in the rain. When we separated, I dwelled on how we had turned our back on every single promise we had made to each other on the day we said, “I do.” It took me a long while to realize that we hadn’t dismissed those words we had spoken when we promised each other forever, we had just altered them. Theo, Kate, and Thomas had been my umbrella during my storm of doubt, guilt, and insecurity, and it was because of Evan that they came into my life. It was as if he had sent them to me, to get me through.
Now, I would be the umbrella for his child, loving him, caring for him, and shielding him from as much pain as I possibly could. As I rested my head on Theo’s shoulder, he lifted my hand that was clasped in his and gave it a gentle kiss. This journey had taken me from a naïve college girl with rose-colored glasses, to a thirty-five-year-old woman who realized the tint on those glasses eventually fades away over time.
Evan was my first love. The kind that gives you butterflies at the sight of his name lighting up your phone. The kind of love that you believe can weather any storm. The kind of love that everyone should experience once in their life, and if they’re lucky enough, hang on to forever. Such wasn’t the case for us, but there was no doubt in my mind that I did truly love him with all my heart, and I would never have any regrets over that.
Theo was the kind of love that comes along when you least expect it, after the allure of Prince Charming has faded away. The kind of love that has fared the storm, coming out of it with flaws and imperfections that molds you into a better person. The kind of love that not many are given a second chance to experience, but when they are, they’re wise enough to never let it go. Proving my grandmother’s theory wrong—you can have more than one true love in your life. So many people will cross our paths in our lifetime. Sometimes only briefly, like mere words on a page. Sometimes longer, creating whole chapters to our story, some sad, some happy. Only we can control how we allow that story to end.
“You know something, Theo?” I asked, noticing the cracks in the pavement below us for the first time since we had sat down.
“What’s that?” he asked.
“What if those cracks aren’t really mistakes we made in life but instead something else?” I took my eyes from the ground and was looking directly into his.
“Well, I suppose they can be anything you want them to be.”
Thomas picked up his truck and climbed on the bench between us, screeching with glee as he pointed at the ducks in the water before sliding back off and running around once again.
Theo took my hand in his and moved closer, looking down at the pavement. “What do you see them as?” he asked.
“People. The smaller ones are people who have come and gone in our life, the bigger ones are people we’ve known for a long time, and the ones that are just beginning to form are the people we’ve just met. All of them intersect in some way or another, shaping us into who we are, giving the flowers amongst them the foundation to change and grow.”
His smile was almost angelic as the bright sunshine that shone behind him casted a halo effect around his face. “I like that. And which crack am I?” he asked.
I pushed a piece of hair behind my ear and moved closer. “You and Thomas are no longer cracks, you’re the entire foundation—because you’ve both become the biggest part of me.”
His eyes lit up and he gave me that boyish grin I had grown so accustomed to. The one that was part surprise and part knowing. “And you are the biggest part of me.” His lips pressed gently against mine, and I was filled with a rush of contentment. Theo and that sweet little boy running around without a care in the world were living proof that there were no mistakes. Life shouldn’t be planned out using only one map, but instead by many. And in that journey, there may be detours and bumps in the road, but as long as we’re guided by the love in our hearts and the people we meet along the way, we’re bound to end up right where we belong.
EPILOGUE
Two years later…
THEO WAS GETTING such amusement watching me frost cupcakes. I’d take a step back after each spread of the spatula, ensuring my peaks were perfect. “You know, it’s just going to be a bunch of preschoolers eating them. I don’t think they’ll care if the frosting is out of place,” Theo remarked, taking a sip of coffee.
“I know, but I care. I’m a tad bit obsessive, what can I say?”
“You, obsessive? No way!” Theo joked. I playfully swatted him with the dish towel as he grabbed one of the cupcakes and popped it into his mouth.
“Aww...would you like me to make some cupcakes for you to bring into work to share with your coworkers too?”
“You can make them, but I’m not sharing them.”
Thomas came traipsing down the steps with sleepy eyes and wild curls.
“There’s the birthday boy!” I exclaimed.
It was so hard to believe he was four years old. He was growing so fast. He was such a kind and gentle little boy who seemed mature beyond his years. His preschool teacher would always remark about how helpful he was to others and how well-behaved he was in class. Like Theo, who reminded me of a little boy trapped in a man’s body, Thomas was the opposite, a gentleman trapped in a kid’s body. The two of them were my entire world, and there wasn’t a day that went by that I wasn’t thankful for having them in my life. Both of them had mended my heart back to its original form. A heart I wasn’t even sure existed before they came into my life.
Little did I know that when I stepped on that plane a few years ago, I was going on a journey that would change me forever, s
haping my future into something I never expected. So much had happened in the time that passed. I had moved to England, and we were living in Kate’s house. This was Thomas’ home, the place where Kate had intended him to grow up, and I oddly felt a strange connection to it as well. I presented all these facts to Theo as to why we should stay here, and after a little convincing, he put his house up for sale.
The three of us had made ourselves into the perfect little family. It wasn’t your textbook family like I had envisioned my entire life—mother, father, and two kids who were biologically their own. Instead, it was something unique, which made it even more beautiful.
Theo wanted to make it official and proposed to me a year ago. We married one month later in Kate’s favorite spot in her garden on a beautiful autumn afternoon. The gorgeous vintage dress Kate had left me finally got to experience something special. It was as if Kate were there with us, watching it all take place.
There were days I had to pinch myself to believe it was all real—I was Theo’s wife, and along with that title, I was Thomas’ aunt and guardian. I didn’t stress anymore about not being able to have a child of my own, because I had learned through my mistakes that all that matters is having the ones we love.
I adored this new life I had created. I still missed home, but we made sure to visit often. My mother and stepfather had been over to visit, as well as DeAndre and Louis. It seemed as if I saw the people I cared about more now that I was an ocean away.
I had made some new friends as well. Jo and David went without saying, and also some moms from Thomas’ preschool who I immediately clicked with. I video chatted with Evan’s parents twice a week, making sure they didn’t miss out on their grandson growing up. They were planning a visit at Christmastime, and I was super excited for them to be able to give Thomas a real hug and kiss instead of virtual ones. I was still doing marketing work remotely for two companies in New York and had also picked up a few businesses locally who requested my services. Theo had scaled back greatly with his business travel. He was still dedicated to his work, but he had shifted his main focus of importance to Thomas and me, and I was so thankful for that.